Her Second Chance
by lilienprinzessin
Summary: This is a story told from Emily’s POV. It’s a little AU and takes place some years after Lorelai left her. Emily sees a young pregnant girl in the mall, who reminds her of her daughter.
1. The Mall

**Her Second Chance**

**Disclaimer: **I own nearly nothing. The characters belong to Amy Sherman – Palladino, except Lilly, who's my own creation. No copyright infringement is intended and no profit will be made from this story.

**Author's Note: **_This is a story told from Emily's POV. It's a little AU and takes place some years after Lorelai left her. _

I want to thank my great beta **caffeination, **who helped me with grammar and answered my questions. Your work is much appreciated.

I dedicate this story to **Inca** – I'll miss you, when you're away.

**Chapter 1: The Mall**

I'm on my usual way through the mall. Not that I need anything, but shopping turns my mind off things I don't want to think about. And I like to try on new dresses, looking out for jewellery hoping to get exactly the piece I want for our next anniversary. And thanks to my husband's generosity I can buy everything I want, though I do get some comments from time to time. But that's much better than the restricted money most women get from their husbands.

Three dresses, two skirts and a blouse later, I decide that it's time to go home, but then something catches my eye. A young girl is sitting in front of a store begging for money. Usually I hate such a sight. They shouldn't allow them to be here disturbing people, it's not like there aren't enough churches and organisations who would help them. Hell, I even belong to some organizations like that. Why can't these people go there? Why do they have to sit here ruining the shopping? I think technically it isn't allowed, but as long as no one complains, they'll continue to beg. I thought of complaining before, but not this time. This time it's different. The girl has dark long curls, piercing blue eyes and she's pregnant. Very pregnant. I know immediately of whom she reminds me. She doesn't seem much older either.

She doesn't say a thing. At least she doesn't annoy people with her begging. She just sits there, an old hat in front of her and does nothing.

I realize that I'm slowing down as I pass her and I even look at her for longer than a second. As soon as our eyes meet, she looks down again. When I decide that this once I can make an exception and give her some money, I've gone well past her. I don't know what it is (well, to be honest, I do know exactly what makes me turn around - her looks, and the person of whom she reminds me), but I pretend that I have forgotten something at a store so that I have to pass her again. This time I have a $5 bill in my hand which I quickly put in her hat, which holds mostly $1 bills and some coins. She looks at me, surprise in her eyes, and while I'm walking away, I hear her say, "Thank you."

This '_Thank you'_ echoes in my head all the way home. It kind of haunts me. '_Thank you' _for $5. I easily could have given her more. But what does she do with the money? What does she do anyway? Where does she sleep? What does she eat? How will she take care of her baby? She can't have a good education. And most importantly, why am I still thinking about her? Maybe I shouldn't have given her anything, but I know then my thoughts would haunt me even more.

It doesn't help that Richard is away on a business trip and I'm all alone in this house. When he calls, he seems to sense that something is wrong, but I deny it. What should I tell him, anyway? _'Richard, I saw a pregnant beggar, who reminds me of our daughter?'_ Certainly not.

Even in my dreams I can see her, and in them she looks even more like Lorelai. Suddenly I see Lorelai and a toddler, starving and wearing dirty clothes. I wake up startled, with cold sweat all over my body. I haven't seen my girls in ages. No, I have to stop this. It was her decision. She didn't want my help and I can't change that. If I start to think of her now - what she's doing, how she looks - I'll go crazy again.

The next day I go to the mall again. This time I'm not looking for dresses or jewellery; this time I'm looking for her. I have to know how she is, if she's still there. I'm surprised at how relieved I am to see her still sitting there. Passing her I put a little note in her hat and immediately slow my steps to give her time to read it:

_If you're hungry, follow me._

From the corner of my eye I see her surprised look and how she unfolds the paper. She looks at me unbelievingly and I nod shortly to her before walking in the direction of the next bistro. I see, or rather, I feel when she stands up and follows me.

A minute later, she steps into the little bistro. I took a table which can't be seen from outside, but none of my friends would come here anyway. Still I don't need to be seen with her. She approaches me shyly, looking lost.

"Sit down," I encourage her and she obeys. We look at each other for a second before she looks down again. "What would you like to eat?" I ask her.

Finally she dares to look at me again and I see her big blue eyes looking at me puzzled.

"Why are you doing this, ma'am?" she asks me.

"Aren't you hungry?" I counter.

"Yes," she admits, still looking at me questioningly.

"You should eat properly, in your condition," I state simply and she immediately caresses her belly. "Orange juice would be good for you; it has vitamins. Would you like some orange juice?"

"Yes, ma'am," she replies, now looking at me gratefully.

I nod. When the waiter arrives I order two orange juices, fruit salad and some bagels for us. She's not saying anything and I don't know what to say either. Why did I do this? It's ridiculous. But every time I look into her eyes and see her hand on her belly, I know why I'm doing this.

"What's your name?" I demand.

"Lilly," she responds quietly.

"Lilly…?" I want to inquire further.

"Just call me Lilly, please," she says softly. To be honest, it's more a demand. This young girl really is something special, that she has the guts to demand anything in her situation. But she does it in a gentle way, so I'm not offended by it. Still, she doesn't want me to know her full name. Maybe she ran away, too? Maybe Lilly isn't even her name. She looks at me as if she wants to get up and leave, as if she's scared that this is a trap.

"All right," I say quickly, and add, "that's a beautiful name." I don't dare ask her more until our breakfast arrives. While she's busy eating, I again try my luck at getting her to talk.

"How old are you, Lilly?"

"16," she answers defiantly. Just as I thought. I smile lightly at her, and she continues eating.

"What are you doing?" She looks at me confused. I decide to jump right in now. "Do you have a home, a job? How will you support your baby?"

Her eating slows down and she tries to hide a tear that escapes her eye. But she doesn't answer any of my questions. I look at her. She could be a beauty, but despite her belly, she's too thin. And her eyes, her Lorelai-like eyes, aren't happy at all.

"Where did you sleep tonight?" I quietly ask.

She looks at me, searching my eyes for trust. After a while, she whispers, "In the mall."

"But they close the mall and all the stores." I try to reason with her, but even while I'm saying it, I know that this didn't stop her. She probably waited somewhere to be locked in. She slowly resumes eating the rest of her salad. When she's finished she gives me a sincere look.

"Thank you, Mrs. …" and it's then that I notice that even though I interrogated her, she doesn't know anything about me. Not even my name.

"Gilmore," I say quickly.

"Thank you, Mrs. Gilmore," she says again. "I don't know when's the last time I had a breakfast as good as this one. Thank you." With that, she starts to get up, but I hold her back.

"What did you do with the $5?" I inquire. I thought about that for half the night. I just have to know.

"I bought some shampoo and went to the indoor swimming pool to shower," she replies and I notice that her curls do look better than yesterday. "Thank you," she adds again.

I begin to feel ashamed. I didn't ask to get another '_Thank you'_, but because I was curious what she'd need most. She looks at me expectantly, as if waiting politely for my next question. I'm struggling about what to do. But before I can decide for sure, she asks me softly, "May I leave now, Mrs. Gilmore? You know, the store I sit in front of is the best heated store around here and I don't want to loose my place. Plus the owner doesn't chase me out."

Even more touched, I quickly say, "Of course you may leave, Lilly." I can't bring myself to add something that I'll regret for the rest of the day.

She stands up, nods at me and thanks me again for my generosity. I'm thinking about giving her another $5, but I see some pride in her eyes and I leave it as it is. I look after her, her dirty dress and pantyhose with holes and her pregnant belly.

After paying, I leave the mall and when I look at her place I'm relieved that no one else is already sitting there. She smiles at me and I leave the mall. But not without stopping to get myself new perfume first.


	2. Home

_Thanks for all the reviews, they really make me smile. I never thought of this as a one-shot, but now that some of you mentioned it, I see that it very well could've been one. However I have some more scenes in mind. I don't know the end yet – which is strange, usually I do – so I'll see where the story takes me. I'll try to write as much as I can this month, since I don't think I've much time come February. Thanks again for the reviews, I never thought this story would've such a response. And special thanks goes again to **caffeination, **who's a wonderful beta. You're great. And now back to the story. _

**Chapter 2: Home**

As hard as I try, I can't get her out of my mind. I switch between thinking it's ridiculous that I even bought breakfast and thinking that I should have taken her with me and made sure she had a bed for the night.

The next night I keep seeing pictures of her in my mind, mingled with pictures of Lorelai and an unknown child, who resembles Rory as a toddler, which was the last time I saw her. I'm so relieved that Richard will be back today. Hopefully I can sleep better with him by my side.

Sadly, I won't have him by my side, since the minute he comes home, he announces that he has to leave again. I try to hide my disappointment, but I know I haven't succeeded.

"I'm sorry, Emily but I have to go. It's just one more week,"

One more week. Right now it seems like an eternity.

"Maybe even shorter," he adds and I try to smile at him. He kisses me and I want to relax, but I can't.

"Are you sure everything is alright with you, Emily?" he asks again.

"I'm fine. Don't you worry," I say, being the supportive wife I've learned to become.

"I'll get you a nice little surprise from Montreal," he promises and when I start to say my obligatory _'That's not necessary,'_ he hands me a little jewellery box with gold earrings in it that he brought me from his current trip.

"Do you like them?" he asks.

"They're beautiful, Richard. Thank you," I say and before I can help it, my words remind me of her '_Thank you'_. Richard shoots me a suspicious look, but before he can ask anything, I take over, demanding to know his schedule for the next week. When he finishes it's nearly time for him to go again, and he's forgotten about my week. At least, he doesn't ask about it again. As he kisses me goodbye, he whispers into my ear that hopefully he will be home next month. All of next month. I smile at him and swallow my _'give me that as my present'_ remark.

* * *

The next day Julia Thermon asks me to go shopping with her. I want to avoid the mall and at the same time, I desperately want to go there. I take this as fate's signal to me that I should go. 

I nearly freak when I can't find her. She's not in front of her store. _Her store._ How ridiculous. She doesn't own it. Then she wouldn't have to beg. I feel an inner panic taking over me.

"…Emily? Emily!" I hear, and look into Julia's concerned face. "Are you alright?"

"Yes. I'm sorry, I was lost in my thoughts. What did you say?"

I manage to make small talk and help her pick presents for her daughter – she still has a daughter to buy presents for. But during all this, I can't get my mind off Lilly. Has she already given birth? Was she that far along? Or did the baby come early? Why didn't I ask her how far along she is – that's the first thing you ask a pregnant woman. So stupid. I'm tempted to ask the storeowner, but no, I can't do that. Maybe she's only showering again. It must be a long shower, because we are at the mall for hours and she doesn't appear. I again regret not having taken her with me before.

As soon as I get home, I know that I have to go back to the mall tomorrow. The plan to take her home with me is taking form in my mind. What would Richard say? Well, he's away and I won't discuss that over the phone. It's not my fault that I'm a grass widow nearly half the time. Well, half the time is exaggerated, but Gilmore women tend to do that.

* * *

She's at her usual place again, thank God. She doesn't look good. Her dress seems dirtier and her pantyhose has another hole beneath her knee. I quickly disappear into the nearest store to buy her new pantyhose. I open the package and put another note in it, this time simply saying: _Follow me._ I'm not sure if I've thought enough about this, but I know that I have to do something or those dreams won't stop. When I approach her, I smile at her and hand her the bag. She recognizes me, returns my smile and says her well-known "Thank you," this time adding a "Mrs. Gilmore". 

I slowly retreat to the exit and it doesn't take her long to catch up with me. But she's cautious and always some steps behind me, which I don't mind. I don't need to be seen with her. When I reach my car, I turn around and point at the passenger's seat.

"Where do you want to take me?" she asks doubtfully.

"I want to give you dinner and a bed," I say, and with that I open my door and get behind the steering wheel. In the rear mirror, I can see her hesitate, but finally hope or curiosity gets the better of her and she gets into the car. Only then do I notice the small bag she carries with her and suddenly it seems crazy to me that this is all she has.

"I want you to spend the night at my house". There I said it. No more retreating or second-guessing my decision. "If you need to get something else, I can wait."

I see her blush a little and regret that I ever thought she might have more things hidden somewhere. "I don't need to get more, my belongings are in here," she nearly whispers. Since I don't know how to respond to that, I simply start the engine and we head home.

I see her eyes getting bigger and bigger as we approach my home. When we finally arrive, she doesn't say a word. Nina, my current maid, greets us at the door and can't hide her surprise. Her eyes are even a little accusing, as if to say, _'You made me clean the room for her?'_ but I ignore it. She won't be here for long anyway.

I lead Lilly upstairs to the room next to Lorelai's. I could never give her Lorelai's room, but the one next to it works just as well. I went through Lorelai's closet to find a maternity dress, though. Lilly really can't wear her ragged one any longer. Lorelai's old dress is already laid out on her bed.

"I hope you like the dress. I thought you might want to shower and change before dinner. We eat at seven. Or do you need to eat something first?" I ask her.

She's still taking in her new surroundings. When she notices me looking expectantly at her, she blushes again. "I'm sorry, ma'am. What did you ask?"

I smile slightly. "Nothing important. I just said that maybe you'd like to shower and change before we have dinner at 7."

"Sure. I will. Thank you."

"If you need something, I'm downstairs. Just call me or Nina, the maid."

She nods and I leave the room. Did I do the right thing? I don't know her at all. Maybe she doesn't deserve my trust. Maybe she'll steal and also run away. But someone has to take care of her and her baby.

When I see her, I see Lorelai. Lorelai never let me take care of her. Even when she was little, she rebelled against everything. But maybe Lilly rebels as well? Maybe she and her mother share the same story as Lorelai and I? But then, I'm not her mother and up to now she's seemed grateful. She should be, a pregnant teen in her situation – the best that could happen to her was for someone with decency to find her and take care of her.

At 7 o'clock sharp, she comes down the stairs. At least she's punctual – Lorelai never was. She looks much better in this dress, and the new pantyhose and shower also help, though her face and arms are still too thin considering her condition. She comes into the dining-room hesitantly. I smile at her.

"Please sit down," I say pointing towards her place. It's the one opposite where Lorelai always sat. I can't bring myself to give her Lorelai's place. Some part of me still hopes that suddenly the door will open and Lorelai will yell her _'Watch out - I'm here' _… Stop it, Emily. You know that won't happen.

"The table looks great, Mrs. Gilmore," Lilly says, pulling my mind away from those thoughts.

"Thank you," I reply. "Nina, please serve dinner now."

I've never seen anyone eat as fast as Lilly. It's as if the breakfast I bought her three days ago was her last meal. It was probably her last decent meal, actually. But why didn't she tell me, if she was that hungry? I asked her if she needed to eat first – oh yes, that was when she didn't listen. I must've forgotten to ask her again.

It seems like she fears this, too, will be the last meal she has for several days. Doesn't she know I plan on having her stay? Well, maybe she thinks it only is for one night?

"Don't gorge," I correct her and she looks at me defiantly. "It's not good for the baby," I try to soften my reprimand.

"How do you know? Are you a mother?" she asks me suspiciously.

I don't know how I looked to her, but the next second she looks down and mumbles, "I'm sorry, ma'am". For a while, she doesn't dare look at me again, but she does slow down her eating.

_Am I a mother?_ Biologically, yes, I am a mother. For about 20 years now. But I haven't seen my child in ages. _Am I a mother? _Right now, I'm not mothering my child, how can I? Even when she was here, back then, was I a mother? When Lorelai became a teenager, it was more that both of us endured each other. We didn't really talk. We lived in the same house, but in different worlds. I always wanted her in mine, I still do. I don't know if she ever wanted me in hers; I guess not. I was just annoying to her. So am I a mother if I am an annoyance to my daughter?

When Lorelai was little, I was a mother, maybe even a Mommy. For some glorious moments in between nannies, when I would put her to bed, hold her when she cried, yes, then I was a mother. I'd even say I was a mother when I reminded her of her manners countless times, because isn't that what mothers do? Make sure the child behaves?

But now? I really don't know. I'm a wife, a society lady, but a mother? Oh, I want to be one. Since she left me, I think about it every single day – being a mother and a grandmother. I am one and yet I'm not.

Lilly's fork makes a noise when she puts it on the dish and that pulls me out my thoughts. I won't answer her; I can't. It's too difficult and she's still a stranger in some ways. In other ways, she isn't.

"Do you want more? Though I'm not sure if it's good for you to eat so much when you haven't eaten a lot during the last days."

"You're probably right. I'm OK. It was delicious," she replies and with that last comment, she smiles at me for a second.

"Good. Whenever you're hungry, you can eat something. Breakfast is at 8 am, lunch at 1 pm and dinner at 7 pm. If you're hungry in between, there is always something in the fridge or some fruit in the kitchen. Just go in there and take something if you feel like it."

"Thank you, Mrs. Gilmore. Does that mean I will stay for a while?" she asks me hesitantly, barely looking at me.

"Yes," I state.


	3. Lilly

_Thanks again for every review. They really make me smile and motivate me to write more. I'll be gone from Friday until Monday evening, so don't expect another update over the weekend._

_Thanks to **caffeination**, for proofreading and never being tired to answer my questions._

**Chapter 3: Lilly**

In bed, I remember that I still don't know how far along she is. Tomorrow, I'll try to get to know something more about her, and I'll definitely find out when she's due. She should also see a doctor as soon as possible.

I wake up feeling relieved, having not had a single nightmare the previous night. I feel light and I'm looking forward to this day.

When I go downstairs at 8 am, I find breakfast already on the table, Nina in the kitchen, but no Lilly.

"Have you seen my guest? Is she awake already?" I ask her.

She grunts before she answers "No, Mrs. Gilmore." I send her a glare and after some time she looks down.

So she's still asleep. I decide to let her sleep this first day. Usually I don't encourage sleeping in, but heaven knows she needs some sleep in a decent bed. "Then it will be only me this morning. You can serve coffee now," I address Nina again and turn around to go back to the dining room. I hear Nina muttering under her breath and even though I can't understand her, I know it's about Lilly and Nina's lack of understanding why I've taken her in.

"If I hear that one more time, you can leave," I say coldly. "And the same goes if I hear any gossiping about this," I add sternly. I look at her, but she can't stand my gaze. "Do you understand me, Nina?"

"Yes, Mrs. Gilmore," she finally answers. I stare at her a little longer. Before I go to sit down at the breakfast table she addresses me again, "Coffee will be ready any minute, ma'am."

After breakfast, I plan my day. I do this every day. Well, mainly the day is already planned, but I go through every detail, making sure I haven't forgotten anything. Today, the list has nothing important, so I can focus on Lilly. Besides her due date, I'd like to know more about her background - her family, the father of her baby and why she was on the streets. I still haven't decided how to get her to talk when she comes down the stairs at 10:30 am, wearing the same clothes I gave her yesterday and blushing a little when she looks at the clock above me.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Gilmore. I wanted to be downstairs for breakfast, but I slept so well that I didn't even wake up when it got light," she says.

"So you slept comfortably?" I ask.

"Wonderfully. The bed is so comfortable, it's the first morning in ages my back hasn't ached."

"I'm glad," I reply, smiling slightly. "What do you want for breakfast? Pancakes?"

"If it's not too late, yes, pancakes would be great."

"You need to eat properly. Of course it's not too late," I say, and tell Nina to make some. She's not muttering under her breath any more, but I can tell that she doesn't like this.

I decide that the best strategy for interrogating Lilly is to do it while she's eating. So as soon as the pancakes appear, I end the small talk and get to the topic I want to know most.

"When is the baby due, Lilly?"

"Five weeks, ma'am," she replies. Well, that was easy.

"When was the last time you saw a doctor?"

This time, it takes a little while, before she answers. "I went to the doctor when I was 3 months pregnant – to confirm the pregnancy. That's when he told me the due date."

"So you haven't seen a doctor in months?" I ask, not really surprised. She nods and continues to eat. "How come?" I ask, although I know that in some way it's a stupid question, because I can tell that she doesn't have any money or insurance. But it will lead into my next question – who paid for the visit she did make and why isn't that person taking care of her anymore.

"I couldn't afford it," she says quietly, "and back in the old days, women didn't need doctors to have their babies, so why should I?" she adds, looking at me defiantly.

"Back then, many women and their babies died in childbirth or shortly after. I suppose that's not what you want to happen to you or your baby," I say sarcastically.

"No," she whispers and I regret my sarcasm immediately, but her look, her defiant look, ticked something off in me.

"But apparently you could afford the first visit, so who paid for it?" I demand. She stops eating and doesn't look at me. "Lilly?" I say more softly after some time, but still I get no reaction. "Your parents? . . . Or your boyfriend? . . . Or you?" I prod further.

Suddenly she gets up, looking angered. Tears glisten in her eyes. "Stop the cross-examination. I can't tell you. What do you want? Why are these things important? I'm 16 and pregnant. The baby is due in about a month. Why do you need to know more?" She's crying by now, and I'm in a state of shock. "Why can't you leave me alone? I can't tell you." With that she storms out of the dining room and runs upstairs.

I've barely recovered when Nina enters the room and asks with a smug smile if I want more pancakes. She's fired before I hear Lilly slamming her door upstairs.

After Nina leaves – when I fire someone it goes rather quickly – I slowly go upstairs. She had no right to blow up at me like that. I have every right to know a little about her, when I take her in. I have to know something about her background. What is she thinking, talking to me like that?

I hear her sobbing through the door. I knock and then enter the room, not waiting for any kind of response. She is sitting on the bed, facing the window and crying.

"Lilly…" I start, trying to sound stern, but she stands up, interrupting me.

"Just tell me where my dress is and I'll leave," she says, obviously upset.

"I don't have your dress any more," I admit. "I told Nina to throw it away."

"How could you? That was my dress. You had no right whatsoever…" she starts, but this time I interrupt her.

"You couldn't possibly wear it any more. It was so dirty, it never would have become clean again. I guess you wore it for weeks. The best I could do was to decontaminate it," I say, just as upset as her. It's rich that she's talking about me having no right to act that way. She's the one who's misbehaving here.

"Decontaminate," she whispers, "it's that easy for you, isn't it?"

"I beg your pardon?" I ask, thinking of my manners, I really shouldn't lose my temper like she does.

"Well, then, I have no choice. I have to take this dress with me," she states.

"But where?" I ask her, puzzled.

"I don't know, but you can't possibly want me to stay after my outburst."

Finally she admits that she was wrong. "I never said you have to leave," I answer. Don't think I'm not used to such behaviour. I'm very well used to it. Even missed it a little.

"No," she admits, "but you can't seem to accept me for who I am. So I have to leave. I'm really grateful for everything you did for me, it was wonderful to sleep here for a night, to have dinner and breakfast, but I should go."

"Of course I can accept you for who you are. You are a pregnant teenager. I knew that when I took you with me," I say, and I can feel myself getting upset again. I never imagined that she'd want to leave. That I'd throw her out because she'd misused my trust, or that Richard would be so upset about her that he'd make me tell her to leave, yes, those are things I'd thought might happen, but not that she'd be the one to leave me on her own. Especially not after just one night. But I've been left before. Luckily, she interrupts the dark thoughts which are rising in my brain.

"But you need to know more. And I can't give you more, I'm sorry," she states.

"Isn't it understandable that I asked these questions? That I wanted some background information?"

"It is understandable. That's why I'm leaving," she says simply.

"I never thought you'd be stupid, but it seems I was wrong," I proclaim.

"Stupid?" she asks, surprised and kind of angry.

"Yes. I'd call it stupid, if a pregnant girl, whose baby is due next month, who has nothing, no clothes, no home, no doctor, prefers the streets over a nice house, nice clothes and some decent food."

"You forgot to add the cross-examination," she reminds me why she's leaving.

"So if I stop that, you would stay?" I ask.

She looks at me for a long time, before answering, "Yes."

"All right. No more cross-examination," I say, but she still looks at me doubtfully. "I promise," I add, and at the same time I'm asking myself why. Why am I doing this for a girl who probably has some dark secrets in her past that she can't share with me and who blew up at me the morning after I took her in? "But do we agree that it wasn't crazy of me to ask these questions? It's only natural that I'd want to know something about your background," I say.

"Agreed, ma'am," she says, and smiles a little at me. "So really – I'm allowed to stay?" she asks unbelievingly.

"Yes. I can only hope you deserve my trust." She nods. "May I ask you one more question?" I can't seriously believe I'm asking her if I'm allowed to ask questions. But the ghost of being left, the thought of that happening again, made me cave.

"You can ask me anything, I just can't promise you an answer. All I ask of you is to accept this."

I nod before asking the question that's been on my mind ever since we had breakfast in the bistro. "Lilly – is that your real name? I'm not mad, if you lied to me - well maybe a little disappointed - and you wouldn't have to tell me your real name, I'd just like to know…"

"It is my real name," she ends my rambling.

"Good," I smile at her. We look at each other for a while, before I start talking again. "Lilly, I'd like to call Joshua, he's been my doctor for years and I really think he should examine you. What do you say?"

"That's okay, thank you."

"All right. I'll call him now. I'll be right back," I say, and turn towards the door, but she holds me back.

"Mrs. Gilmore?"

"Yes?" I turn around again and look at her expectantly.

"I shouldn't have yelled at you. I'm sorry. It won't happen again." I can't help smiling knowingly at her. "At least I promise that I'll try to watch my temper," she adds and smiles shyly back at me.

"I'm glad to hear that," I reply.


	4. Richard

_Thanks for the reviews, they're great, all of them. Keep them coming. And thanks again to my beta **caffeination**. I'm sorry this took a little longer, but I hope it was worth the wait. Enjoy!_

**Chapter 4: Richard**

Lilly and her baby are fine. I can tell that Lilly is just as relieved as I am about Joshua's results. She didn't want to know the sex of her baby, so he only advised her to go for a walk every day. I told her she could either go around the garden or take a walk around the block. She chose the garden. It seems like both of us don't feel the need to expose her to the neighbourhood. I'm not sure if she really feels safer in here, or if she just felt it would be easier for me this way.

The days until Richard's return go smoothly. No more outbursts. But two scenes occur, which I can't easily forget.

One afternoon Lilly is standing in front of the picture of Richard, Lorelai and me. When she hears me come in, she turns towards me and whispers, "You are a mother, aren't you?"

"Yes," I answer, and try to swallow the knot I feel in my throat.

"Is she dead?" she asks.

"No." I pause. "She lives somewhere else," I manage to say, and before she can ask more questions, I add, "and this is something I can't talk about." With that I leave the room and go upstairs into my bedroom.

On my way out, I hear her say, "Okay."

I have to say that she hasn't tried to get to know anything about Lorelai since then. She respects that this is my secret, and I, too, don't interrogate her any more about her past. We've come to a mutual agreement to respect each other's privacy.

Another evening I find her in the music room, looking longingly at the piano.

"Do you want to play?" I ask her.

"Oh no, I couldn't. But I've always loved music. Can you play something?"

I want to decline, but then I remember reading somewhere that classical music – especially Mozart – is good for unborn babies, so I start playing _'A little nightmusic'._ She sits down and seems lost in the melody. After 20 minutes, I stop and sit down next to her.

"Thank you," she whispers, and suddenly she laughs.

"What is it?" I demand.

"The baby wants more, just like me. It's kicking like this is some kind of sport. Wanna feel it?" Before I can decide, she has already grabbed my hand and put it on her belly. Lorelai never offered to let me feel her baby, though I would've loved to feel Rory. I didn't dare to ask her either. Sometimes I knew exactly when she was kicking. Lorelai would get an absent smile on her face. Just as I did when she kicked me. Suddenly I feel a strong kick, and I have to smile as well.

"Wow, that's a fighter you have there," I state.

"I know. The baby doesn't let me sleep through the night anymore, despite the comfortable bed."

"It didn't kick when I was playing?"

"No, only between pieces."

"All right. I'll play one more. But I guess it will only delay the kicking," I laugh.

* * *

Today Richard will return. As time goes on I'm getting more and more nervous about his reaction. I fear – no, I know - that he won't understand. I have to tell Lilly about him coming home. When we're drinking tea, I know that I have to fill her in now.

"My husband will come home this evening," I open the conversation and we share a look.

"And he doesn't know about me, does he?" she asks quietly.

"No, he doesn't," I admit.

"Oh," she replies, and it seems as if she's thinking about what to say next. "Do you want me to be somewhere else?"

Somewhere else? Is she talking about leaving or just being in her room? "I think it would be good if you stay in your room until dinner. He's supposed to get back at 6 pm. I'd like to talk to him and explain everything, before you meet at dinner. Just come downstairs at dinner time."

"Will do," she says. Again she's thinking and absent-mindedly caressing her belly. I love to observe her. She's only been here one week, but she looks much better now. Her face and her arms aren't thin anymore. Her cheeks are rosy and her eyes have a little happiness in them, though right now they're thoughtful. She wears a new blouse that fits her perfectly. I bought her some more maternity clothes, which she reluctantly accepted when I told her I didn't want to see her in the same dress every day. "Will he be angry?" she asks me hesitantly, and I wish I could say _'No,'_ to her, but I can't.

"He will be surprised," I reply, but I know she knows that this answer means, yes, he could be angry. She's not dumb.

"Do I have to pay attention to some things? Like not saying certain things or behaving in a certain way?" she asks, seeming honestly concerned.

"No," I answer, "just be yourself. Don't worry about him. He'll be fine," I finally tell her, saying it even though I'm not convinced myself.

* * *

"Hello, Emily! I'm home," Richard calls out, and I descend the stairs to greet him.

"Hello, Richard. How was your trip?" I ask, and lean in to kiss him hello.

"Great. It's all done now. If nothing happens, I really should be home for the next month." Usually such a comment would make me happy (and a little doubtful), but right now I have other things on my mind. One hour, I only have one hour. "How was your week, darling? Did anything happen? Do we have a new maid already?" he teases me.

"Interesting. Yes and yes." I reply, and get a confused look. Now, pull yourself together Emily and get it over with. "I need to talk to you, Richard."

"All right," he replies, and gives me a concerned look.

"I'd prefer to talk in your study," I say, and he leads me into it.

"Emily? What happened?" he asks with a serious face. "Something bad?"

"No. Don't worry. It's just… We have a guest. Lilly. She's upstairs, next to Lorelai's room. She'll have dinner with us." I start my explanation, hating myself for doing such a poor job with it.

"Lilly. Who's that? Should I know her?"

"No. Richard, listen. I'll tell you everything, but promise me, you'll listen to the whole story, before commenting. Please." He nods. We both sit on the couch, opposite his desk. I take his hand. I don't want him to interrupt me, but I need to get some reaction from him, while explaining, and holding his hand will certainly help. It will also calm him down. "I went to the mall and saw a young, pregnant, girl begging. Before I knew it, I'd given her some money. She seemed very grateful, and I couldn't get her out of my mind. I even dreamed of her," I say, and look down to collect my feelings. I have to go on with the story, no use getting lost in past dreams. I feel Richard squeeze my hand, encouraging me to go on. I look at him and continue. "The next day I invited her for breakfast at some bistro there. Even then I thought of taking her with me, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I felt sympathy for her, this somehow proud, defiant, but also helpless young girl, who resembles…" I stop. I didn't mean to say that. But he's not stupid. One look at her and he'd knew everything anyway.

"… Lorelai," he finishes for me, and I nod.

"She even looks a little like her," I admit. There's no use hiding it. Better he knows that beforehand. I don't want her to know that she looks like my daughter, and maybe Richard would make some comment, when he saw her at dinner. "That was the day before you left for Montreal."

"And you didn't tell me. I knew something was wrong," he says, and his squeeze on my hand weakens.

"You were home for like an hour. I couldn't possibly tell you. Besides, I hadn't decided anything then," I defend myself. "Richard, please, I don't want to fight about it. Just let me finish." He nods. "The next day she wasn't at the mall and I nearly freaked. I don't know why, but she became important to me. I had to make sure that she was okay. So I went there again and felt honestly relieved that she was back. Then I took her home with me. She needs someone to take care of her, Richard. She's a pregnant teenager. I had to do something," I finish.

"How old is she?"

"16," I answer, and he makes a grunting noise.

"What a coincidence."

"Richard, please…"

"So, what's her full name? Where does she come from? Why was there no one else to take care of her? How far along is she?" he starts shooting questions at me.

"The baby will be born next month," I answer. He looks at me expectantly.

"And?" he looks at me questioningly, waiting for more answers. Answers I can't give. "Emily, don't tell me you haven't asked those questions?"

"I have. But she didn't answer them," I admit.

"Well, then she can't stay," he says, and withdraws his hand.

"Why not? Is it that important to know that she comes from a certain family, from a certain state? Isn't it enough that she's a young girl in need?

"We know nothing about her, Emily. Nothing except that she's pregnant, doesn't answer your very valid questions and resembles our daughter. For all we know, she could steal, run away, be a criminal, whatever, she could do just about anything. Haven't you thought about that?" he asks, getting upset and standing up.

"Of course I have. But she seems grateful. You haven't even seen her yet. She needs our help. She's a nice girl, I trust her."

"Why?" he asks, and I can't answer him. Because I don't know myself.

"I just do. I need to. Please, Richard. At least wait until you see her before you judge her," I say, walking towards him.

"Let's be honest here, Emily. We both know you never would've taken her with you if it weren't for Lorelai. You wouldn't have even noticed her, if she didn't have Lorelai's looks. You're betraying yourself here. She's not Lorelai and whatever you do, she won't come back," he says, and turns away from me.

That stings. Who does he think he is? He's barely home. Admittedly, he stayed home after Lorelai left, I wouldn't have survived without him back then, but now I'm alone in this house more and more. He doesn't know what I do all day, what I'm thinking. "Of course I know she's not Lorelai. Don't you say, I can't separate them. She doesn't have Lorelai's room, her place. She's not Lorelai. But she needs a place to stay. And this is her place," I say, getting upset, and I feel tears coming into my eyes.

"Do you think her mother feels the same way?" That comment stings even more. Of course I've thought about her mother.

"Don't patronize me, Richard Gilmore. Of course I've thought about her. And I came to the conclusion that she'd prefer her daughter to be in a nice home rather than on the streets." I look at the clock – nearly seven. "She'll stay," I conclude.

Richard turns towards me again. "So you're making the decisions here now?" He has a dangerous look in his eyes. I have to bite my tongue. Otherwise we'd start fighting again and that's the last thing I want. An angry Richard would drive Lilly away. I want us to have a pleasant dinner.

"No."

"Ah. It's only an illusion. My wife opening our house to some stranger, without even asking me," he says sarcastically.

"I told you, there was no time…" I begin.

"I called you every evening. There was plenty of time," he interrupts me.

"I didn't want to tell you over the phone."

"Of course you didn't. Because you knew that I'd be against it," he says, sounding upset.

"Yes, that's right. I knew you'd be against it," I say loudly. I close my eyes for a moment and sigh. "She'll be downstairs any minute now. She's the kind of person who'd leave in an instant if she knew you didn't want her here. I'm asking you to be nice to her. You're angry, because I didn't tell you. I understand that. But it's my fault, not hers. Don't take your anger out on her. Give her a chance –give us a chance. After dinner, we can continue this argument. Please," I say, looking at him with pleading eyes. The grandfather clock strikes 7 o'clock. I managed to hold my tears in, but now, facing defeat, a single tear does escape my eye. And while I hate myself for this weakness, I think I should be grateful for it, since this does him in. He slowly walks up to me and wipes it away with his hand.

"All right. We'll have dinner. But this discussion isn't over, Emily. I'll meet her and then we'll decide what to do."

"Thank you," I whisper, and stand on my toes to give him a short kiss. Anything to put him into a better mood for dinner.


	5. Dinner

_Thanks again for every review. They make me happy. And special thanks to my beta **caffeination**. I'm glad I could give you a fast update this time, especially since I don't think I can do much updating come February. But we'll see. Enjoy it as long as it lasts. _

**Chapter 5: Dinner**

As we step into the foyer, Lilly comes down the stairs. She looks shyly at Richard. I pray that he'll be nice to her. I look at him again, before I turn to Lilly.

"Lilly, this is my husband…"

"Richard Gilmore," he interrupts me, extending his hand to shake hers. While this seems nice, I can see through it. He emphasized his whole name and wants her to do the same. But she doesn't do him the favour.

"I'm Lilly," she replies, and shakes his hand.

Before anything bad can happen I lead them both to the dining room, talking about dinner. It doesn't take long until Maya – the new maid – serves it. Glad that Richard doesn't ask any questions right now, I start some small talk about weather – what it's like in Montreal versus Hartford. This way, everyone can participate. After soup, Richard suddenly turns to Lilly.

"How are you?"

"I'm fine, thank you, sir," she answers politely.

"And your baby?"

"Fine as well, I guess. Your wife was so kind as to call your doctor and he said everything is fine and since I haven't felt anything happen since then, I'd say everything is all right," she begins to ramble.

"Yes, and we're all relieved about that," I join in. "Joshua only advised her to take a daily walk and to eat healthy food and, well, that's a given," I add, and smile encouragingly at her.

"What do you plan to do once the baby is born?" he continues.

"Richard," I say firmly, giving him a look that tells him to stop it.

"What? She must have a plan," he defends himself. "You do have a plan, don't you?"

She looks down at her plate and I can see her blushing.

"Richard, please, we're eating."

"I didn't know some questions for our unknown guest are forbidden," he says sarcastically, and I close my eyes for a moment and sigh. "I still don't have an answer, by the way," he adds, looking at Lilly again.

Just when I want to chime in again, she says quietly, "I don't know what to do, sir. My main concern right now is to give birth to a healthy baby."

"Sure," he replies. "But haven't you ever thought about what you want to do? What did you plan to do before you got pregnant?"

She looks harried. I have to jump in. Didn't he listen to me at all in the study? "Richard, this isn't the right time to discuss this, remember?" I say, giving him another warning look. Before this can go any further, Maya serves the main course – beef with potatoes and peas. I'm glad for the interruption.

"Isn't the beef too salty?" I ask to break the silence.

"I like it. Everything is delicious Mrs. Gilmore," Lilly replies cautiously, when Richard doesn't say anything.

"What do you think? . . . Richard?"

"Hm?"

"The beef? Is it too salty?" I ask again.

"Seems fine to me," he grunts.

"Well, it must be me then, when you two agree on this," I say lightly.

The conversation lags again. This is not how I imagined it would be, and yet, I know it could be worse. "The baby likes Mozart, Richard," I try once more to start a nice discussion. "Doesn't it, Lilly?"

"Yes. Mrs. Gilmore played Mozart on the piano and it felt like it was applauding," she explains to Richard, and I'm glad she doesn't seem to be completely intimidated by him. He only nods in return. I don't even know if he heard us.

Before dessert, Richard seems to wake up again. "So you expect us to take care of you and your baby?" he addresses her again.

"I don't expect anything from…" she starts, and I can feel that she's about to flip.

"Lilly, do you mind eating dessert upstairs? I'll tell Maya to bring it to you. Please," I interrupt her.

"Yes ma'am," she replies, and stands up to leave the table. "Sir," she adds with a look at Richard, before ascending the stairs.

"How could you…" I start, looking darkly at him. "How could you do this, after everything I told you?"

"Everything you told me? Hmm, I may be forgetful, but I don't remember you telling me any details about her past or future," he says angrily.

"I told you she would leave if she got the impression you don't want her here. For all I know, she's packing her things right now."

"Oh, please, Emily, she won't leave us. She's more than lucky you picked her up. Why would she go back to the streets? No, she never would do that."

"She already did," I inform him.

"What do you mean, she already did? You don't know what she's doing right now," he states.

"After one day of being here, she wanted to leave."

"And why was that? . . . Emily, I'm serious if you're leaving me out of what's going on in my house, she'll leave – and not because she wants to, but because I say so. What happened?" _His house._ But I won't comment that. There are more important things to discuss right now.

"We had an argument when she didn't want to answer my questions about her past. She thought that I'd want her to leave. But I didn't. I told her to stay. If I hadn't done that, she'd have left nearly a week ago," I summarize. He only shakes his head. "What, Richard? You don't believe me?"

"Of course I do. But this … this is ridiculous Emily, don't you see it?"

"You're impossible. I asked you to be nice to her, but you couldn't. You just couldn't. Excuse me," I say, standing up to leave. Maya comes in with dessert and I turn to her. "Please bring Miss Lilly's dessert upstairs and take mine back to the kitchen," I say, before going upstairs. She follows me up the stairs, keeping her distance.

When I'm in our bedroom, I hear her knock at Lilly's door, then she goes downstairs again. I can't believe Richard. Yes, I knew he wouldn't be happy, but he didn't even give Lilly a chance. Not even one normal dinner, without interrogating her. I'm at a loss about what to do. I know that when he insists on her leaving, I will have to give in eventually. So what am I going to do? More pleading? Seduce him? I'm still trying to think of a strategy when he enters the room. I decide to be rational and to appeal to his sense of duty.

"You really want to send her back on the streets? How can you possibly want that? And how can you not think of Lorelai and Rory when you look at her?" I ask him.

"Of course, I think of Lorelai when I see her, she looks like her sister. But she isn't, Emily. She isn't," he states simply.

"I told you, I know that. That's not the point," I reply, and have to be careful not to get upset. 

"I think partly it is. And I wouldn't send her back to the streets, but to a nice home for pregnant teenagers," he says.

"But she doesn't want that," I tell him.

"I don't think she has a choice," he states.

"She does. She already chose the streets. She won't go to some impersonal home. I'm glad she wants to stay here."

"But why?" he asks again. And again I don't have an answer. "Emily?" He starts to walk towards me.

"Excuse me," I say, and go into the bathroom. I won't let him see me cry another time. I sit down on the edge of the bathtub and allow some tears to run down my cheeks. I know she's not Lorelai, yet I see her in her. After a few minutes, Richard comes in and I quickly wipe away my tears. He kneels down next to me.

"Why is it so important to you, Emily? To take care of her?" he asks gently.

I try to regain my composure and sound as normal as possible. "Lorelai never let me take care of her. Lilly does, in a way. I know Lorelai was here when she was pregnant, but she excluded me from everything possible. And when she went away, she shut us out completely. Lilly needs me. She doesn't hate me. You don't know how it is, being in this house all alone," I finally am able to describe some of my feelings.

"I told you, I'll be home next month," he replies.

"Until the next call comes," I mutter. He sighs. "Please, Richard. What do you have against her? She's done nothing wrong so far." He looks at me for a long time.

"All right. She can stay for the time being. But as soon as she doesn't deserve your trust anymore, she'll have to go."

I nod. "And you will be nice to her? You accept that for some reason she can't tell us about her past? You won't harass her with questions about her future?" I inquire.

"If it's that what will make you happy, yes," he finally says.

"Thank you, Richard. Thank you," I whisper in his ear, and embrace him. It's so good to feel him close to me. After a while I retreat and look up at him. "I'll go check in on her. I'll be right back – to thank you some more," I say seductively, and wink at him. He can't help, but smile and shake his head at this.

I'm glad to find her on her bed and not in the middle of packing. She's just sitting there, staring into space. She barely looks at me when I enter her room. She seems a little pale. The dessert sits untouched on her nightstand.

"He wants me to leave, doesn't he?" she opens our conversation.

"No," I reply. "He just has to get used to it. He won't question you like that again." She doesn't seem to believe me, but she's quiet. "It's difficult for him," I add. She looks up at me.

"Why?"

"That's unimportant. Besides, I do understand his concern. We don't know you. Well, I do a little now, but he just learnt about you for the first time a couple of hours ago. That's my fault. I didn't tell him earlier. He needs some time. I've had days to think about this. He'll get used to it. I trust you and I've convinced him that you're worthy of it. So he agreed to give you a chance. Don't worry about it, Lilly. Concentrate on your baby. That's what's important right now." I smile encouragingly at her, and she responds a little. "Everything all right?" She nods. "You promise you won't disappear in the dark of the night?"

"I promise," she says.

"Good. Then eat your dessert."

"Yes, ma'am," she replies, and takes the bowl and the spoon.

When I go back into our bedroom Richard awaits me. "And?" he asks.

"She's fine," I reply, and he looks at me as if to say that this doesn't surprise him. I go to him and lay my hands on his chest. "Thank you, Richard."

"You're welcome." We look at each other for a moment before he starts to grin. "I hope that wasn't what you meant when you said _'to thank you some more'_?"

"No, it wasn't, Mr. Gilmore," I purr. "That was something more along the lines of this," I say, and start to kiss him.


	6. Disappointment

_Thank you for your reviews on the last chapter. It's great to get to know your thoughts. I guess by now you know that I also have to thank my great beta **caffeination** for her work. I wrote this chapter in January and as far as I can tell now, you'll have to wait longer for updates in the future, but I hope to update every now and then – I should have some time on weekends. Hope you like the next chapter._

**Chapter 6: Disappointment**

Richard has kept his word. No more interrogations. I think he's getting used to having Lilly around. But Lilly is getting more and more restless. I'd attribute it to her progressing pregnancy, but on top of that she seems dissatisfied in general. Once in between maids, she made the ridiculous suggestion of doing the cleaning herself. As if I'd let a pregnant woman, clean windows or do the laundry or anything of the sort. I made it very clear that this won't happen. While she agreed at last (not that she had any choice), she seemed seriously disappointed.

She also seems to be constantly on edge when I ask or tell her something, though I do see her trying to keep her temper in check. And mostly she succeeds. No more yelling at me. I guess once the baby is born, her spirits will get back to normal, but a little voice inside me says it's not only the upcoming birth that's causing her moodiness.

One day I come home early from a DAR meeting. Half the women were sick, so we cut it short. The baby is due to be born any moment now and there's a constant tension in the air. I go straight upstairs to check on Lilly, when I see the door to my bedroom open. That's strange, Richard and I always close it, maybe the new maid forgot … but the view I get as I reach the door sends a jolt through me. Lilly is in our room and she's standing next to my commode, my jewellery scattered around. To be honest, it looks more like she's about to steal it than just take a look at it. And even that would be obnoxious. "What are you doing?" is all I can manage to say, and my voice isn't steady.

She turns around, looking like a deer in headlights. My emerald necklace slips out of her hands, and thus my 10th anniversary gift lands on the carpet. "I … I …" she stammers, sinking on the ground as well, my wedding present – a necklace with a single diamond – still in her hands. I grab it from her. I can't believe it. She really wanted to steal, to rob me. Richard was right after all. Richard. What did he say? _…if she doesn't deserve your trust anymore, she'll have to go._ And I agreed. Of course I agreed. She has to go. Moreover, I should call the police.

"How could you?" I ask her again, and I really want to know the answer. The answer to why she's robbing the person who took her in, who did everything for her and her baby, and even accepted her ridiculous condition not to ask questions.

"I'm sorry, ma'am," she whispers weakly.

"No. I don't want to hear any of that nonsense. I demand to know why you did this. How could you do this to me? What did I do to deserve this?" Another question is in my mind. _What did I do to deserve this?_ First Lorelai, now Lilly.

"You did nothing," she admits, saying what I already know.

"Then why?" I demand again, and look sternly at her. She barely dares to look at me.

"I don't know what to do. I know I can't stay here forever. I have nothing. And you have so much jewellery, I thought it wouldn't matter, maybe you wouldn't even notice," she says meekly.

"We never said you have to leave. Whatever you want, you just have to ask for it. And you thought I wouldn't notice? That I have so much, it wouldn't matter? This is my wedding present! You think I can do without it?" I rage, holding up the necklace in front of her face. "Or without my 10th anniversary present?" I go on, picking up the emerald necklace. "All these pieces have a history. I know each one, where I got it and when. And you think you have the right to take some of them from me, because I have jewellery and you don't? You want me to believe that?" I ask her angrily. She starts to sob. "No, you will stop this right now, you have no reason to cry," I add, and she really tries to get herself under control.

"I just thought about my future and that I don't have anything and need something to start a new life. And when I wanted to help out around here, you wouldn't let me do it either…"

"So this is my fault now? Because I refused to let a very pregnant woman clean my house? That's rich. You know what, I've enough of this, I'm going to call the police, right now," I say, and turn around to go to the phone when she grabs my hand.

"Please, don't. Please, Mrs. Gilmore," she begs, and I stare at her hand holding mine. She gets it and let go of it, but not without pleading with me again. "Please, ma'am. I'll leave today, but please, no police. What will happen to me … and my baby… please, don't." She's crying again and this time I don't tell her to stop. Instead I pick up the necklaces and return them to their boxes. I don't know what to do. I should call the police, but looking at her … She's a picture of misery. A pregnant picture of misery, with the baby to come any minute. Maybe tonight. I sit down on my chair with a little sigh, while she's still kneeling in front of me. "I'm sorry, Mrs. Gilmore, and I know that's not enough, but I don't know what to say. It was stupid," she says between sobs.

"Oh, yes, it was. Very," I state.

"I know. And I know I have to leave, and I will, but please, don't call the police, ma'am. I swear I won't take anything from you. I'll just go back to the mall. I'll take this dress though, but please, no police," her lips start to quiver again, and another batch of tears flows down her cheeks. So what would happen if I call the police? Would they take her to prison? Would they drag up some other dark secret about her past? Is that the reason she's so concerned?

"Do the police know you? Is it that why you're so concerned? Did something like this happen before?"

She looks at me with big eyes. "No. No, I swear, ma'am. This was the first time I did something so stupid. They don't know me, I never did anything against the law. Please, believe me," she says vehemently. She really looked surprised at my question.

"What is it then? Do you think you'll go to prison, because of attempted thievery?" I ask.

"I don't know. Maybe not. But I know for sure, that they'll put me into some kind of home for difficult teenagers and I'm done with them. Maybe they'll even separate me from my baby and please, that can't happen. Please," she begs again, putting her face in her hands.

"All right," I say quietly. "No police."

She looks at me, an unbelieving look on her face. "Seriously? You won't call them?" I nod. "Thank you. Thank you so much, Mrs. Gilmore," she goes on and on, while she starts crying again. I don't know why I did this, and I still don't know what to do now. I can't let her go back to the mall, when her baby is due any minute. But can I trust her? Can I ever leave her alone again, without worrying about my jewellery? And what about Richard? He'll never agree to this again, not when he knows what happened today. "I'd better leave now, as long as it isn't dark outside. Thank you again for being so kind, for not calling the police and for everything else you did for me. I'm sorry, I didn't deserve your trust," she says after calming down, and she's about to stand up, but I hold her back.

"You're not leaving," I say simply.

"I beg your pardon?" she asks surprised.

"I won't let you go. The baby is due any minute. You won't go back to the mall. You'll stay," I state.

"But how can you ever trust me again?" she asks.

"I didn't say I would. I just know that I can't let you go right now. We'll have to see what happens after the baby is born."

"But Mr. Gilmore, he'll … "

"What about me?" Richard asks cheerily, coming into the room and instantly getting a serious look on his face, when he sees Lilly kneeling in front of me, and some pieces of jewellery still lying on top of the commode.

"You'll love the necklace, Lilly helped me pick out for my new dress," I lie, and I feel badly about it, but it's the only thing that comes to mind right now. I just can't risk him sending her away now. I look at Lilly and see her tear-strained face. I have to think of something else. I stand up and help Lilly to get up as well. "Now, don't worry about the birth, Lilly. Yes, it's bad, but I survived it and so will you. Don't be scared. If you want me to, I'll go into the delivery room with you." _I'll go into the delivery room with you? What am I saying?_

Richard looks confused, as does Lilly, so I lead her out of our bedroom as soon as possible. Inside her room, I let go of her. "I really don't know why you're doing all of this for me," she mumbles.

"Me neither," I reply a little bitterly, and she looks down in shame. "The emerald one," I add, before turning around to go back to face Richard again.

"Pardon me?" she asks, confused. Maybe she didn't even listen to my lie.

"We picked the emerald necklace to go best with my new dress, in case he asks," I explain, feeling bad again about the lie. She nods. "I don't think I have to point out that Mr. Gilmore mustn't know about this. He wouldn't make the same decision I did." She nods again.

When I leave her room, I hear her whisper another "Thank you," and in a strange way it reminds me of her first one.

I tighten my shoulders before entering our bedroom again. Richard has a questioning look on his face. I ignore it. "How was your day, darling?" I ask, smiling at him.

"Fine. And yours?" he says shortly.

"Half my DAR ladies have the flu, we didn't get anything done. And then coming home – well, you witnessed it," I start, and try to chuckle a little. I'm afraid it sounds fake.

"What?" he asks further.

"Lilly freaking out about childbirth. I don't think we have to worry, though. It's pretty normal. I guess she read some rabid description somewhere. Anyway, I wanted to distract her, so I showed her my jewellery and asked her opinion about some things."

"You did?" he questions me.

"Yes. I just told you that," I reply, irritated.

"And what did you decide?" he demands further.

"The emerald one," I say, a little too fast.

"To go with your new dress?" he inquires.

"Yes. Richard, you've never been interested in my clothes that much," I state.

"Well, I just wonder … Why was she kneeling in front of you?"

Damn. "She was?" I ask surprised.

"Yes," he states.

"Oh. That must be because she dropped the necklace and wanted to pick it up. But I was faster. Then she had trouble getting up again and therefore stayed like that for a few seconds and then you came in," I finish the lie.

"As long as you have an explanation," he mutters.

"I beg your pardon?" I ask.

"So that's what happened. Nothing else?"

"Of course nothing else," I say, unable to look at him. I have to get out of here. I know I can't lie to him much longer. "If you'll excuse me, I have some more calls to make. The sick DAR ladies, you know?" I say, and give him a quick peck on the cheek before going outside. He doesn't follow me. I pray he won't go to Lilly either. After some minutes, he goes into his study.

After dinner, which was rather quiet, I'm sitting in the living room. When Richard comes in, he gives me a look that tells me he knows I lied to him. He'll be even more sure when I don't protest as he kisses me rather inappropriately. Usually I'd protest that the maid could see us or something like that, but not tonight. I lied to him and I regretted it the minute it happened, yet I can't tell him the truth. Because I know the consequence would be Lilly leaving. While he's still kissing me, I ask myself what the consequences of my lying will be. Will he be able to trust me again?


	7. The Birth

_Thanks to **caffeination** for proofreading and thanks for all your reviews. They're much appreciated. I hope you like the next chapter and I'm glad I managed to update this weekend._

**Chapter 7: The Birth**

The next morning, Lilly is late. Richard and I share a rather quiet breakfast. Not that this is very unusual, as he is almost always lost in his paper. He's about to leave for work when she finally comes down the stairs.

"I'm sorry I'm late," she says, sitting down. She looks pale.

"Are you all right?" Richard asks, before I can.

"I guess. I didn't sleep very well. I have a feeling the baby will come soon," she explains, and I'm glad she added the last sentence. I wonder if it's the truth or if she said that so Richard wouldn't ask any more questions about why she couldn't sleep.

"Hmm. Well, I have to leave for work. Goodbye, ladies," he says, and gives me a quick kiss on the cheek.

"Are you sure?" I ask Lilly, after he's left.

"No. It's my first baby. I don't know the signs, but I do feel strange."

I nod. So she didn't make it up. "We'll see," I reply. Silence fills the air. For the two of us, that's unusual. I have a feeling she wants to say something but doesn't dare, maybe because the maid is constantly going in and out. I don't know what to say either. I look at her. She really looks like Lorelai. This morning everything seems fine, except the silence, but when I think of yesterday, of what she did – well, nearly did – I ask myself the '_Why' _questions, again. Why did I take her in? Why did I agree to not call the police? Why is she still in my house, after she made it clear she doesn't deserve my trust? And the '_What/Where'_ questions. What did I get myself into? And where do we go from here? Well, I told her she could stay until the birth, but since this seems about to take place pretty soon, I should make up my mind about the future, quickly.

She finishes her breakfast and turns towards me. "I think I'll go around the garden now, if you don't mind."

"Of course I don't. After all, it's what the doctor told you to do," I answer. She never asked before, if she was allowed to take her walk. Again, I have a feeling she wants to say more but can't bring herself to. "Anything else?" I ask her.

She looks at me for a few seconds before she shakes her head and goes outside.

She's been in the garden for a while now and I begin to worry. She's never taken such a long walk before. Did something happen? Is she really that close to giving birth? But, no, she'd definitely be able to come in by herself. Still I'm concerned, so I decide to go look for her. She's sitting on the bench on the other side of the garden beneath an oak tree.

"Are you all right?" I ask as soon as I'm close enough for her to hear.

"Yes, ma'am. I'm sorry I stayed out for so long."

"There's no need to be sorry about _that_," I say, emphasizing the last word.

She sighs. "I know. I meant to say something to you this morning, but I just didn't know where to start," she says, looking down.

I sit down next to her. "Then just say what's on your mind. Start anywhere," I reply.

She takes a deep breath. "I want to apologize for yesterday. I'm very ashamed of myself. I want you to know that I didn't plan it. If someone had told me yesterday morning that I'd do that only a few hours later, I wouldn't have believed them. I'm really sorry I lost control …" she starts, and I'm not sure whether to be relieved that she's not cold enough to plan something like this, or to be even more concerned, since on the other hand this means that it could happen again anytime. She still can't look at me, and instead fumbles around with her skirt. "I know it's not enough. And I know that whatever I say or do, I can't undo what happened. I just feel that you deserve to know that I didn't plan this, and you definitely deserve a proper apology. You deserve to be asked for forgiveness, even though I know I can't expect you to forgive me. And I don't …"

Another break in which I think about her words. I'm not sure if I have forgiven her. I guess if it weren't for her baby, I would've thrown her out yesterday. Her apology sounds sincere; I believe that she's sorry. But I don't trust her. Not yet. "Why?" I finally ask her. "Why did you do it?"

She shrugs. "I panicked. I thought about what to do once the baby is born. I can't live here forever without contributing anything … "

"So you stole? You can't accept what we give you, so you take what we don't give you?" I cut her off, feeling the anger return again.

"I know it was wrong. I freaked. I can't explain it any other way . . . I'm sorry," she concludes, and I see tears glistening in her eyes.

I nod and touch her hand lightly. "Let's go back inside." I know quite well that I haven't said I accept her apology, nor did I say I forgive her. I can't bring myself to do either yet. As she stands up, she winces in pain. "What is it? Contractions?" I ask her.

"I guess it's show time," she answers, supporting her back with her right hand while she caresses her belly with her left.

"Then I'll better take you to the hospital," I say. I know it might still be ages seeing as this is her first baby, but then, you never know. Plus, she felt strange last night too. I don't want to risk anything. I'm about to turn around when she holds me back.

"Mrs Gilmore?"

"Yes?"

"Were you serious yesterday?" she asks, and I stare at her blankly. "About coming with me into the delivery room," she whispers. I give her a surprised look. "I'm scared as hell," she admits, but quickly regains her composure. "I'm sorry, you probably just said it as a distraction, I'm sure I'll be able to get through it by myself. I should be used to it, by now," she adds.

Though she tries to look confident, I can see through her. She _is_ scared as hell and I can relate to that. "You don't have to go through it all by yourself. I'm here," I assure her.

Again, I find myself thinking about her past. Is she only referring to the weeks or months before I found her, or was she on her own for years? Yesterday, she said that she was done with homes for difficult teenagers. Does _difficult_ equal pregnant? Was she in one of those homes during the first part of her pregnancy, or was she in such an institution before she got pregnant? Maybe got pregnant because of the bad influence other difficult teenagers had on her? Well, now's not the time to think about this. We quickly grab some of her things, before driving to the hospital.

Inside, we first have to fill out the papers. Richard and I will pay the bill, but she still has to give some personal information. I can see her struggling when she sees that she has to give her full name. "I guess it's not enough to give you my first name and the address where I'm currently living?" she asks the nurse.

"No, miss. We need your full name. And the baby needs a last name as well," the nurse reminds her.

"Yeah, right," she mumbles, and finally fills out the form.

_Kingston._ Her last name is Kingston. Or so the paper says, but I'm sure she wouldn't want her baby to have the wrong name. My mind is searching for information about Kingstons I know. There is a Kingston family in Hartford, but I would know if they had a girl only a few years younger than Lorelai. That can't be her family.

"I'm not from this area," she says to me, guessing my thoughts. I nod. Before I can ask more, the nurse comes back and takes the papers.

Hours pass. It goes very slowly. I called Richard to tell him what happened and that I won't be home for dinner. Earlier we walked around the hospital garden, but by now she's mostly in bed. The contractions are getting stronger and I can see her fighting the pain. Sometimes I leave the room to get some coffee or fresh air, but never for long. She doesn't say anything, but I can see the relief in her eyes every time I come back in.

My thoughts go back to Lorelai. She didn't want me to be there. She wanted to do it on her own. She always did. Richard and I waited outside the delivery room. I never was one for patience, and with time I began to worry about her. The nurse would only tell me that she was all right, and that babies take time. Finally, she came to tell us we were grandparents. I still remember seeing Rory for the first time. She was in Lorelai's arms and Lorelai looked exhausted but very happy. Well, I guess every mother with a healthy child does. We'd had an argument right before she was wheeled into the room, but all was forgotten when I saw the tiny girl, looking so much like my tiny girl 16 years ago. I couldn't believe it when Lorelai actually allowed me to hold her. I loved Rory from the first moment I saw her, as I did with Lorelai.

A scream pulls me out of my thoughts. I shouldn't think about that anyway. It only makes me sad and gets me thinking about how long it is that I haven't seen either of my girls. Lilly has sweat all over her face. It seems as if finally the end is in sight.

"Push," the nurse is telling her.

"I can't. I can't do it anymore," she answers weakly.

"I know it's been a long time, miss, but you have to," she encourages her.

"I can't," she simply says, and falls back to her pillows.

"Oh yes, you can. And you will," I say firmly. She looks at me, too weak to respond. "Well, you don't want it to stay in there forever, do you?" I ask her. I see some strength coming back to her eyes. "Now, push a few more times and get it over with. Squeeze my hand if you must," I offer.

She accepts the offer and soon I can't feel my hand anymore. But it's done. Just before midnight, we hear a baby make its first scream. Looking at Lilly, I see tears of joy on her face. I'm touched myself. "Is the baby OK?" is the first thing she asks.

"Yes, miss. Your little baby girl looks fine," the nurse says.

"A girl," she sighs, and opens her arms to hold her. "It's a girl, Mrs. Gilmore," she says to me.

"I heard," I reply. "And a beautiful one," I add. She smiles and carefully kisses the little head. "Congratulations, Lilly," I say.

"Thank you," she answers, but her full attention is on her little girl.

"Miss, we have to take her to check some things and bath her," the nurse tells her. Reluctantly, she gives her back to the nurse. "It won't be for long," the nurse assures her, before taking the baby back into her arms. "Do you want to come with me?" she asks me.

I look at Lilly and she nods at me. "Yes," I say, and go with the nurse.

Everything is fine with the baby. I'm relieved. It seems that the lack of proper food during the pregnancy didn't harm the baby. After her bath, she looks even more beautiful. The nurse asks me to hold the baby and bring it back to Lilly and I agree. When I get back to her room, she looks a little better as well, still exhausted, but happy and without any sweat on her face. I carefully place the baby in her arms.

"Thank you, Mrs. Gilmore," she says. I nod at her. "The nurse asked me about her name," she continues.

"And?" I ask her after a pause.

"I thought about Rebecca. I'd call her Becky."

"Becky . . . Rebecca Kingston. A fine name," I answer.

She nods. "About her middle name . . . I thought about, well, only if you don't mind …" she trails off.

"Yes?"

"I thought about naming her Emily - after you. _Rebecca Emily Kingston_. Who knows where she would have been born if it weren't for you. However, if you think it's inappropriate in any way, then I won't do it," she says, sounding insecure.

"I think it's a lovely idea. But you don't have to do it. I'm glad I could help you," I answer.

"I know, but I really want to. You did so much for us, and I can do so little in return. Besides, Emily is a nice name. I like it."

"Rebecca Emily Kingston. Yes, I like it as well," I say slowly.

"Good. Then that's settled," she states.

The nurse comes back and tells Lilly to rest a little. "And you look tired, too, Mrs. Gilmore," she adds, and I notice that she's right.

"You really should go home now, ma'am. I kept you here for too long. You must be exhausted as well. Thank you so much for being here for me. It meant a lot to me, not having to go through everything on my own," Lilly says.

"You're welcome. You did a great job. I'll come back tomorrow," I tell her. The nurse takes Becky and leaves the room, so Lilly can get some sleep. Before I close the door, I turn back towards Lilly and say quietly, "I do accept your apology."

"Thank you," she whispers, and the tear running down her cheek is the last I see of her, before heading back home.


	8. The Lie

_As always thanks for the reviews. It's great to get your opinion. I'm away for the next week so I can't write any further. Therefore you shouldn't expect the next update next weekend. I hope you enjoy this chapter. And as always thanks to **caffeination** for proofreading._

**Chapter 8: The Lie**

When I arrive home, Richard is still in his study. I knock before I enter. He looks up at me.

"Lilly had her baby. Rebecca Emily Kingston. She's beautiful," I say to him.

He nods. "Kingston," he murmurs. Of course he's thinking about her last name, but it hurts a little that he doesn't even comment on her middle name.

"Not the Hartford ones," I say.

"How do you know?" he asks me.

"She told me," I reply.

"And you believe her?" he asks me.

"Yes," I answer. He doesn't seem convinced. "Plus, I'd know if they had a daughter her age," I add. That seems to convince him.

"So where is she from?"

"I don't know," I admit.

"You didn't ask?"

"No, Richard. She was in labour. I didn't discuss that with her," I say, getting annoyed. Before this can go any further, I announce that I'm going to bed. I really am exhausted. And he still hasn't commented about her middle name. "Are you coming?" I ask him.

"In a while. I have to finish the Melvish case," he says. I nod, and turn around to leave. "Emily?"

"Yes?" I reply, turning around again.

"I mean, her middle name, she's named after you?" he asks.

"Yes," I say, smiling a little. "She even asked if that was OK with me."

He has a look on his face I can't read. After some time, he just says, "It's a nice name." Then he goes back to his case.

I'm so exhausted that I don't even hear him come to bed. When I wake up the next morning, he's already downstairs. By the time I get dressed and come down, he's emerging from his study, ready to go to work.

"Aren't you a little early?" I ask him.

"Yes, a little," he admits.

"You already had breakfast?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry I slept so long," I say.

"Well, you needed your sleep," he states. Silence falls, and just when I'm about to get breakfast for myself, he starts to speak again. "So, what will happen now?"

"What do you mean?" I ask, playing the innocent, though I know exactly what his question is about.

"You know what, Emily - Lilly and her baby. What …"

"Becky," I chime in, hoping to delay the inevitable talk that will take place now. He looks at me confused. "Becky, that's what she calls the baby," I explain to him.

He nods. "Well, then, what will happen to Lilly and Becky? They can't stay here forever," he states.

"But they can't live in a mall either," I counter.

"What are you thinking, Emily?" he demands.

"What do you mean?"

"What are you thinking, taking in a strange girl and her baby?" he repeats.

"I already told you. I think they need help. Help I can give them," I explain. "And you already agreed to that," I add, but as soon as I look into his eyes, I know I shouldn't have said it.

"It was only Lilly then, and you know just as well as I do that our agreement isn't valid anymore," he states, looking at me firmly.

I take a look at the clock. "You'll be late for work, Richard. And I should get ready to visit them," I say. I want to turn away from him but he grabs my wrist and holds me back. "Richard, what do you think you're doing?" I start to protest, but he's already released me.

"I think we should talk, Emily," he says.

"Now?" I ask him weakly.

"Maybe I've already been quiet for too long. Don't you have anything to say to me?" he asks, looking at me with some despair in his eyes.

I know that now would be the moment to admit my lie to him, but I can't. Despite knowing how wrong my behaviour is, I can't change it. "Please, let me go to the hospital, Richard," I whisper, but he ignores it.

"You lied to me," he states simply. I swallow and look down at my feet. I can't bear to face him. After a short while, he continues. "You're not denying it?"

"No," I whisper. He puts his finger under my chin and forces me to look at him. I know that I have tears in my eyes, but I'm surprised and feel incredibly guilty when I see some in his eyes as well. Even if I wanted to say anything right now, I couldn't. I swallow again, hoping to get rid of the knot I feel in my throat. I don't succeed.

He seems to get a hold of his emotions faster than me. "What happened?" he inquires further.

Finally I'm able to speak again. "You already know," I answer.

"But I want to hear it from you. Don't you think I deserve that?"

I take a deep breath. "When I came home from my DAR meeting, I found her in our bedroom. It seemed that she was about to steal my jewellery," I start.

"It seemed?" he questions.

"Well, I didn't see her putting it into her pocket, but it didn't look like she was only viewing it. She didn't deny it either. At first I wanted to call the police, but she pleaded with me and I looked at her and her belly… She promised me she'd leave the same day if only I didn't call the police. She was afraid they would separate her from her baby and I gave in. But I just couldn't send her away, so when she wanted to leave, I told her to stay. That's pretty much the moment you came in …"

"And you lied to me," he says again.

"I was afraid you'd send her away," I defend myself.

"We had an agreement. You lied to me. You didn't even tell me yourself today."

I don't know exactly why, but suddenly my mood changes. I don't feel only guilty and sorry, but also angry. He played along. "Because you knew it," I say to him.

"That's not the point," he replies.

"Oh, yes, Richard, it is the point, at least partly. Yes, I lied to you. And I regretted it the moment it happened. But you knew it. You knew it right away. So don't play the martyr now," I say vehemently.

"You knew it as well."

"What?" I say confused.

"If this is your argument, it also applies the other way round. You knew that I knew you'd lied."

"And your point is?"

"That you have no point. It doesn't matter if I knew or didn't know. You lied to me. That's the fact we have to face. And you don't even seem to be sorry," he finishes sadly.

"I am sorry," I say quietly, "but …"

"…you'd do it again," he says, reading my thoughts.

"Yes," I have to admit. No more lying. He goes away. "Richard …"

"You're right. I am already late for work." He reaches for the doorknob.

"Richard," I say again and a tear is running down my cheek.

"No, Emily. You made your priorities clear. I'm not one of them. Neither is honesty. I can't trust you, and I can't talk to you right now." The door slams shut and I'm left crying.

* * *

I drive around aimlessly, trying to suppress my tears before I reach the hospital. I go into the ladies room to wash my face and apply new make-up before going up to Lilly. When I walk into her room, she's sitting in bed, Becky in her arms.

"Hello, Lilly," I greet her. "And hello to you too, little Becky," I coo at the baby.

"Hello, Mrs. Gilmore," Lilly says. "Do you want to hold her?" she offers immediately.

"Of course," I reply, and take the baby in my arms to walk around with her. "She really is a sweet little baby girl," I say. "Did you sleep well?" I ask Lilly.

"Yes, ma'am. I was so exhausted, I think I couldn't _not_ have slept well," she laughs a little.

I stare out the window, still cradling the baby in my arms. I had no choice. I had to do this. I lost Lorelai and Rory, I won't lose these two. Richard has to understand that, he simply has to. I have to talk to him again.

"… you're all right?" Lilly asks me, and I notice that I only caught the end of her sentence – maybe sentences.

"Pardon me?" I say, turning around to look at her.

"Are you sure you're all right?"

"Of course, I'm all right," I reply, but I can't prevent a little sigh slipping my lips.

"It's because of Mr. Gilmore, isn't it?" she asks, and I look at her shocked, because she hit the nail on the head. I want to deny it, but I can't lie again. "He doesn't want us to come back, right?" she whispers.

"Oh, Lilly, don't worry about that. I want you to come, you and Becky. I'm so looking forward to it. A baby in my house – again," I say, and she looks at me surprised but doesn't ask any questions. For a short moment, I wonder if she suspects that I have not only a daughter, but also a granddaughter.

"I should look somewhere else. I don't want you to fight because of me. But it would be great, if I could come home with you tomorrow, because I really don't know where to go right away, now that I have Becky," she says.

"I already told you not to worry about it, Lilly. Of course you'll come with me tomorrow. We wouldn't send you and your baby back on the streets," I say, hoping that Richard will agree with me. He just has to. He can't be so cold as to throw her out when she just gave birth. Not even when he's angry with me – or with us. "Maybe it would help if you'd open up about your past a little," I say, and she looks down. "But you don't have to. I'll talk to Richard, don't worry about him," I say, and I don't know if I'm trying to calm her or me. I really have to talk to him as soon as possible, and I can only hope that our next talk will end better than the last one did.


	9. The Talk

_Thanks again to my faithful beta **caffeination** and thanks for every review. They motivate me to go on and right now I really need it since so much else is going on in my life. So I guess it's more realistic to await a new chapter every other week instead of weekly updates – but we'll see. I hope you enjoy the newest chapter!_

**Chapter 9: The Talk**

I'm restless. When I got home, I told the cook to make Richard's favourite meal. Then I spent an hour trying on different outfits that he likes on me. I finally decided to go with the blue dress he bought on our last vacation. He likes me in blue, and I want to do everything possible to set the stage for our next confrontation.

I hear his car and, shortly after, the front door opens. He doesn't call out to me like he usually does. Instead, I hear him go straight to his study. I take a deep breath and make my way downstairs. When I knock on his door, he doesn't even answer. Now, I know that he's mad, but that's outright impolite. I knock again – a little louder this time – but still there's no answer, no sign that anyone is inside. I carefully open the door and quietly step into the room. He barely glances up at me, before going back to his papers. This is going to be much more difficult than I thought. I fear that if this goes wrong, our marriage will face a major crisis. I don't pray often, but right now I'm sending a prayer to whoever is out there.

"Richard?" I start cautiously. He doesn't answer. I ignore my brewing anger over his rudeness and try again. "Richard, please. I'm sorry for disturbing you, but this is important." He gives me another brief glance. "We need to talk. If you're busy now, I can wait, but it has to be today. Please," I say, looking at him.

"I have nothing to say to you, Emily. But I know you. You won't go away until you get your talk, so talk," he says, somewhat aggressively.

I try to hide my hurt feelings. "I told you it doesn't have to be now. I'm sorry for interrupting your work. All I'm asking for is a few minutes of your time tonight. I don't think that's too much to ask. Just tell me when you're ready," I defend myself, turning to leave.

He sighs. "Let's just get it over with, shall we, Emily? What do you want to say to me?"

"Thank you," I say, and swallow. Suddenly it's not so easy anymore. All the different ways to begin that I thought of earlier have disappeared from my mind. So I start saying random things. "I was in hospital today and Becky is such a sweet baby, you should've seen her Richard, so cute. She even has some hair, dark hair, just like Lilly and …"

"Emily," he interrupts my rambling.

"Sorry," I murmur and take a deep breath. "I never meant to hurt you, Richard. I'm sorry I did," I begin. He looks down at his papers. "I apologize. I was scared to lose her. I was scared you wouldn't understand how important she is to me …"

"More important than me," he says quietly.

"That's not true, Richard," I reply.

"Isn't it? What would you call it? You had the choice and you chose her," he states.

"It wasn't an equal choice, Richard. I was never afraid I'd lose you - though maybe that was wrong. I never meant to push you away. Please, tell me I didn't push you away." He doesn't say anything. "I wouldn't know what to do without you, Richard," I say desperately, and he looks at me again. I have to fight the tears now. "I knew lying to you was wrong. I knew you would be mad, but I didn't know I would alienate you like this. I knew you'd throw her out and I wasn't ready to go through that again. You know how it was the last time," I continue, and he nods.

I walk over to the window. It's a nice fall day outside. The sky is bright blue, the leaves on the trees are just starting to change colour, some birds are singing. It's such a contrast to what's going on inside me and inside this room. When Lorelai left, it was a nice day as well, also in the fall. Whenever I think about that time I get emotional and I know Richard can't bear to see me cry. I don't want to take advantage of him, so I turn away to the window and the perfect day outside. Still, I'm sure he knows why I'm facing the window. After a short while, I get myself under control again. Is that a dark cloud on the horizon? I'm not quite sure, but now isn't the time to think about nature and how it seems to reflect our life.

"Richard?" I start again.

"Yes, Emily?"

"They'll be released from hospital tomorrow," I say, turning back to look at him. "She doesn't know where to go. Please, we can't send her back to the streets," I say.

"Emily. You'll grow attached to them – you already are – and some day they will leave. You know that. I don't want you to get hurt again," he objects.

"She won't leave like Lorelai did," I say, fighting my emotions again. "When she goes, I'll know where she goes. She'll stay in contact with us, well, maybe …"

"You don't know that, Emily," he says quietly.

"I am attached already, Richard. It doesn't matter if she stays longer."

"Oh, yes, it does. It will only get worse," he states.

"So that's why you're against her? You don't want me to get hurt again?" I ask.

"That, and her mysterious past and her attempt to steal. Yes, those are the reasons I'm not particularly fond of her," he admits.

"She apologized for that several times, Richard. And I accepted her apologies. Please, Richard. Don't worry about me. Let me bring them here tomorrow. I mean, where else can they go?" I ask him. He still doesn't answer. After a while, he sighs and starts talking again – slowly and barely audibly.

"Do you think I don't miss them? Do you think you're the only one who thinks every day about how it would be if they hadn't left?"

I swallow. Yes, I know Lorelai hurt him as well, but I was always more focused on myself and so was he. He did everything to make me feel better. Until I finally realised that he'd break down completely if I didn't pull myself together. I survived because of him and I survived for him. Watching him now, he looks so vulnerable. He rarely lets me see this side of him. I don't know how to comfort him. Slowly, I walk towards him and lightly touch his shoulder. I know that when I start talking now, tears will spring to my eyes again, but I have to.

"I know she hurt you as well. But I admit that I tend to forget just how much. You're always so strong. I can depend on you, and I tend to forget you were hurt too." I can feel him breathing in and out, trying to get his emotions under control. "But, you know, Richard, you're away so often. I feel lonely here, waiting for you to return. I have so much time to think about them, while you're away on your business trips …"

"Maybe I'm away so much so I don't have to think about them," he interjects.

I want to give him a pass, but I can't.

"You were always away, Richard. It didn't start when they left. It's always been like this. You stayed home for me immediately after they left and I'm very grateful for that, but after a while you returned to your old ways."

"I suppose that's true," he murmurs. "But I'm doing this for us," he continues.

I sigh. It's not the first time we've had this conversation. "I know, Richard. It's just sometimes I wish you'd be home more often. I know we agreed on following your career. I know those business trips are mandatory if you want to move forward. I know I agreed to support you in everything and I still do. It's just that sometimes I want you to be home when I'm lonely." He takes my hand and kisses it. Some weight is falling off me. It seems we can work this out, though we haven't decided anything. I start again to bring up the sore subject. "Lilly and Becky …"

"…aren't Lorelai and Rory," he chimes in quickly.

"I know that. I really do. But they take my mind off things."

"Are you sure? Are you sure they don't make you remember more?"

"Richard, there hasn't been a single day where I haven't thought about them. I don't think there is a _more_. But with Lilly and Becky, I feel needed. I feel I have something useful to do. Something on a different level than planning functions, parties, balls or whatever."

We share a look. Maybe he finally understands - really understands - why I'm doing this. And after saying it out loud, maybe I do as well. He's still holding my hand and it calms me to feel his presence. To know he's at my side even when I screwed up. For better or for worse. We always took that very seriously. I feel confident enough to go on. I need his agreement.

"There is still the question of where they should go, Richard. They'll be released tomorrow. We can't just say they can't come here. Where would they go?" I look at him and I know he's about to give in. To fully convince him, I add more, something I swore to myself I'd tell him today. "I promise you, I won't lie to you again. Whatever crap she does, I'll tell you about it. I know that's not something I should promise you, because it should be a given … please, Richard." Finally, he looks me straight in the eyes.

"All right. But only because I can't send a new mother out on the streets. For the time being she can stay, but this isn't a _'Yes'_ for forever," he says. "I still have to think about the situation and get to know her better."

"Thank you, Richard. Thank you," I say gratefully, and caress his shoulders. It's not exactly what I wanted to hear, but it's a start. And I'm grateful for the way our talk went. "Can you promise me something as well?" He looks at me questioningly. "I know you don't have to, but can you promise me that you won't throw her out? That you'll talk to me, before you talk to her?" I ask him, unveiling my worst fear - that one day they'll be gone without me knowing about it.

"I won't throw her out without your knowledge," he agrees.

"Thank you, Richard." I bend down to kiss him. "I'll let you get back to your work now."

He nods. "I should be ready in time for dinner," he replies.

I smile at him. "I told Susanna to make your favourite meal," I say, and he smiles back at me. I'm nearly out the door, when I turn around to ask him about what's still bothering me. "Richard?"

"Yes?"

"Do you trust me again? I mean, I'd understand if you don't, but …

"I do. You were right, I knew it all along. And since you knew that I knew, then maybe it wasn't a lie, since we both knew," he says, and smiles some more.

"That's good logic," I say.

"Well, it wasn't mine," he replies, and winks at me.


	10. Doors

_Thanks for the reviews. And thanks to **caffeination**. I really appreciate your work, since I know you're busy too. It's birthday week for me, so if you don't know what to give me – think fast. ;-)_

**Chapter 10: Doors**

I'm in bed and I can hear Becky crying. They came home today. Richard kept his distance, but I think Becky enchanted him. But he's cautious, very cautious. I'm just glad he was nice to Lilly and Becky. I'm also glad that he doesn't seem to hear her crying now. Some things never change. Richard was always able to sleep when Lorelai or Rory cried. Listening to his calm breathing and Becky's distant crying, I think back on the day.

I went to the hospital to get them, and Lilly was so happy when we got back and she saw her room. I'd put our old cradle in there and decorated the room some more. I also bought Becky some cute clothes and a soft teddy bear with a music box inside that plays _Sleep, baby, sleep_. Becky slept a lot during the day, which is why she's awake now, I guess. Lilly was tired as well. After all, it's not even a week since she gave birth.

The baby has been crying for half an hour and it sounds like she's getting more upset instead of calming down. I'm tempted to go see what's going on. Maybe Lilly needs my help. I don't think she'd dare come and get me, even if she was desperate. After thinking a while, I decide to go see. I quietly get out of bed – not that I have to be considerate of Richard; when he sleeps, he sleeps – grab my robe and slip out of our bedroom. The crying is getting louder, and Becky sounds really agitated. When I reach their room, I knock before quietly opening the door.

Lilly is walking back and forth with Becky in her arms, desperately trying to soothe her. Becky's little face is all red. Lilly looks up at me and it seems she hadn't heard my knock, since her look is one of surprise and guilt.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Gilmore. She just won't calm down," she apologizes.

"So I hear," I say, smiling a little, but Lilly doesn't seem to notice my smile, since her look gets even guiltier.

"I'm sorry," she mumbles again.

"There's no need to be sorry," I assure her. "Babies cry. We just need to find out why, since this little girl seems quite upset."

"I have no idea what's wrong with her," Lilly admits, sounding defeated.

"Does she have a new diaper?" I ask.

"Yes."

"Then I guess she's hungry. She does sound hungry," I state.

"I tried to nurse her, but she didn't drink."

"Then try again," I say. She just looks at me. "Don't be ridiculous. I was there when you gave birth." I look at her and she gives in. I take Becky as she sits down and opens the buttons of her nightgown. As I take the baby, her cries subside a little, but not for long. "She definitely sounds hungry," I say again, giving her back to Lilly.

As soon as Lilly tries to nurse her, I see the problem. I had the same problem with Lorelai; in fact, I thought this might be it as soon as I saw Becky's face, but I wanted to be sure.

"See, she won't drink," Lilly says to me.

"She can't," I explain.

"What do you mean, she can't?" Lilly replies, looking confused.

"You have to hold her differently. The angle is wrong. She can't get enough milk this way. You have to hold her like this," I say, walking towards them. I carefully adjust Becky's head, and suddenly you can hear her smacking.

"Ow," Lilly gasps. "Yeah, I guess that was her problem. Thanks."

"You're welcome." I watch them for a while. It's such a peaceful sight, though it looks like the feeding is still a little painful for Lilly. It definitely brings back memories. I'm really glad Hope convinced me to breastfeed back then, even though no one I knew did it and it was a little painful at first. At least during those times it was only Lorelai and me. No nannies, no Trix – just the two of us.

"How did you know?" Lilly asks after a while. It takes me a minute to emerge from my thoughts and realize what she's talking about.

"I have a daughter as well. And I read some books and it seems we're not the only mothers with that problem. I'm surprised the nurses at the hospital didn't tell you," I answer.

"Yes. Well, I think they were always in a hurry."

"Well, now you know. It's all about the angle. The baby needs to have full access. That's the most important thing you need to know. I can give you the book tomorrow if you want," I offer.

"That would be great. Thank you."

"I think I should get back to bed now. Good night," I say, caressing Becky's cheek carefully.

"Good night, Mrs. Gilmore. And I'm really sorry we kept you awake. Please tell Mr. Gilmore I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about Richard. He's fast asleep. And don't worry about me either," I say, and go back to bed.

* * *

During the next few days, things fall into a routine. I enjoy having them here. Lilly has no objections to me holding the baby. I can have her practically whenever I want. So if I happen to be there when she cries and Lilly isn't, then I take her. Nursing isn't a problem anymore. I sometimes see Richard looking wistfully at Becky when he thinks no one is looking, but otherwise he's friendly, yet distant. Lilly and I get along very well. Whenever she needs advice she asks me, and she seems very grateful to be here.

One afternoon I go to the club after my hair appointment, intending to meet Julia, but when I get there they give me message that she's sick. Since no one else is around whom I feel like spending the afternoon with, I return home early just in time to catch Lilly leaving Lorelai's room.

"What were you doing in there?" I ask her harshly.

"I … I wanted to get this," she stammers, seeing my anger and holding up a book with trembling hands.

"So you've been in here before?" I ask incredulously, grabbing the book from her hands. It's a childcare book for new mothers and I remember buying it for Lorelai. I also remember my surprise when I found out she'd actually read it.

"Once," she admits. I give her a stern look. "It's true. I was in here once before, after you told me you had a daughter. I guessed this was her room and I was curious …," she trails off.

"So you just went inside." I still can't believe it.

"You never said it's forbidden," she defends herself.

"Yet, you only went in there once," I counter.

"Because I knew you wouldn't like it," she admits.

"But you did it nonetheless," I state.

"I didn't know for sure at first. And today I only went back because Becky gave me a hard time and I remembered that book and I hoped it could help me. I'm sorry, Mrs. Gilmore."

"Did you touch anything else?" I inquire.

"No, ma'am," she says, shaking her head. Becky starts crying, but Lilly doesn't jump. She knows we're not finished yet.

"I hope so. And just to get this straight: I don't want you to ever go in there again. I don't want you to snoop around. This is none of your business, do you understand me?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Do I have to lock the door or can I trust your word?"

"I promise you, I won't go in there ever again. But of course you can lock it, if you don't trust me," she says, looking a little hurt.

Becky is getting louder and Lilly glances in her direction.

"All right. You should check up on your daughter," I dismiss her.

"Thank you, ma'am."

She's about to go, when I notice I still have the book. "Lilly?" I say, and hand it to her.

"Are you sure you want me to have it?"

"I don't think Lorelai needs it right now," I say, kind of sadly. When I see Lilly's surprised look, I realise that she knows Lorelai's name now.

While Lilly sees to Becky, I go into Lorelai's room and quickly check everything. Lilly seems to have told the truth. Everything looks the same as it did before. The dollhouse, Lorelai's make-up, some of Rory's toys and her clothes, magazines… the room was tidy by Lorelai's standards when she left it - only the book is missing from the nightstand. After a last look at everything, I slowly go out and close the door, without locking it.

* * *

"Yes, Kingston is her name. Lilly Kingston. Maybe it's short for Elizabeth, but that's for you to find out," I hear Richard saying through the door of his study. Lilly is outside taking Becky for a walk. I didn't accompany her, because I didn't feel too well this morning. I can't help but eavesdrop even though I already know what this is about. He hired a private investigator. I can't believe it. Well, I can, but he didn't even tell me.

"Sixteen years old and just had a baby. I want any information you can find. Her family, her background, if she ever got in trouble other than getting pregnant. Well, just everything. … Yes, and make sure to give any information you find to me, only me, you understand?" he goes on. So he still doesn't trust me.

"Bye." With that he hangs up and I stand there stunned. I decide not to play hide and seek, but to let him know that I know. I open the door without knocking. There's an accusing look on my face. "Emily," he says, puzzled. He looks into my eyes, then looks down in shame for a moment. That's at least something. But it doesn't last long. When he looks up, it's gone. "Are you feeling better?"

"You wouldn't have told me?" I ask him, letting my disappointment show.

"I knew it would upset you," he sighs.

"I can't see why," I say sarcastically.

"Emily, things may be fine for you, but I need to know more," he replies.

"So you just hire a private investigator," I state.

"Well, I had no choice. It's not like she says anything," he defends his move.

"You know what you promised me, Richard," I remind him.

"Yes, I do. And I stand by my word. I won't throw her out without talking to you first, but I need more information. And she must have parents, Emily. Think of them. I'm sure they want to know that their daughter and granddaughter are fine."

I suppose that's true. "I still don't like that you're doing this," I answer. "Everything's going fine right now. I don't want you to ruin it."

"She doesn't need to know. I just want information. When we find out where she comes from and that there's nothing wrong with her background, we won't even have to tell her."

"We? So you're letting me in on your oh-so-precious future information?"

"Only if you want."

I'm not sure if I want that, but I'm too curious to refuse. "All right, but I still don't like that you're doing this." His phone rings and since I don't have anything more to say, I gesture for him to take it. I really hope she doesn't have a criminal record or anything else that would make Richard change his mind about letting her stay. I can't lose them.


	11. The Letter

_Thanks for the birthday wishes. I was on a roll, so you already get the next chapter. Also, because my great beta **caffeination** was fast this time. Thanks to you, too. Not sure when the next one will be up, since I'm in the process of moving. I hope you enjoy it!_

**Chapter 11: The Letter**

„Are you christened?" I ask Lilly. It's one of the last nice days of fall and we're sitting outside. Lilly has Becky in her arms and looks at me in surprise at my question.

"Yes. Why?"

"I thought about Becky's christening and then I realized I don't even know whether or not you're Christian, but then that's settled," I say satisfied.

"What's settled?" Lilly asks me, looking puzzled.

"That she'll be christened as well," I state the obvious. Lilly wants to say something, but before she has a chance, I go on. "We'll get her a lovely little white dress. She'll look gorgeous in it. And I know the minister here. It will be no problem to get a date. Richard and I are very generous in our contributions to his church. I could even invite him to dinner if you want to get to know him." She still looks as if she wants to object so I add, "Or do you want to get her christened in your hometown?"

"No," she replies quickly.

"Good," I nod. "Then I'll talk to him soon." I look at her and her baby. I remember what Richard said about her parents. "Do you want to invite someone?" I ask her slowly.

"No," she answers quietly. She's looking at Becky and she starts playing with the baby's tiny hands. Lucrezia – my newest maid, horrible name, she should sue her parents – brings us tea. When she's gone, Lilly suddenly looks at me. "So you'll be her godmother?" she asks, a little defiant.

"What?" I ask. This time it's me who's taken by surprise. How could I have forgotten that part of the christening? Of course she needs a godmother.

"Well, she needs one, if you want her to be christened," Lilly explains the obvious. "So in case you haven't decided on someone yet – and I most certainly won't ask anyone from my old life – there's only you. Besides, she already has your name, it would fit," she says, sounding a little accusing at first, but towards the end her tone becomes more forgiving.

I've never been a godmother before. In our generation and society, the aunt or uncle took that job. Richard doesn't have any siblings and Hope doesn't have any children. "I'd love to be her godmother," I answer.

Lilly smiles. "See, you'll have a godmother soon. Mrs. Gilmore will be your godmother, Becky," she coos at the baby, and I can't help but smile as well.

* * *

"Mr. Gilmore wants to see you in his study, ma'am," Lucrezia tells me.

"Thank you, Lucrezia." I take one last look at the invitations for our next charity ball before going to his study. When I enter, he hands me some papers. I knew it would be about that private investigator and what he found out about Lilly. For a moment I feel sick. Do I really want to know this? But I know that I want to.

"Don't worry. It's nothing bad," he says, guessing my thoughts.

Relieved, I skim the papers. No criminal record. Thank God. She's from Boston. Single child. Daughter of John and Lydia Kingston. John is the headmaster of a private school and Lydia is … well, his wife. Involved in charity work and functions. She sounds a lot like me – only she isn't in the DAR. Her parents come from Austria. Lilly was in a home for young mothers. It looks like her parents sent her there when she got pregnant. After a few weeks, she ran away. It doesn't seem like they searched for her. How could they not have done that? And why did they send her to such a home in the first place? They seem to be quite wealthy as well. Were they that embarrassed? I mean, I was embarrassed too, but I never even considered sending Lorelai away.

"And?" I ask Richard, looking expectantly at him.

"What do you mean, 'and'?" he shoots back.

"What are you going to do with this?"

"Nothing. I told you, I just needed some information. She seems to come from a good family. The only thing she did – besides getting pregnant - was run away from that home she was sent to. We don't know why she hasn't had any contact with her parents, but that's none of our business."

"And what would've been our business? What did you expect the private eye to find?" I challenge him.

"I didn't expect anything. I just needed to be sure. I know you can't understand that, so let's just leave it. Be grateful my investigator didn't find anything that would have forced us to act. And please, don't start a discussion about what could have been or about me hiring him in the first place," he sighs.

There are still some things I want to say on my tongue, but I swallow them. I'm grateful she can stay. But still, the fact that he would have thrown her out, if the report had contained other information, and the patronizing tone of his words … but it's not worth it. "All right," I finally say. "But can I be sure that this was the last time? No more snooping about her past?"

"Agreed."

While skimming the papers one last time, I notice that she went to her father's school before she got pregnant and was transferred to that home. Then I hand them back to Richard.

That night I lie in bed, thinking about Richard's words. _Her relationship to her parents is none of our business._ Is that true? If she were my daughter I'd want to know that she was all right. I'd want to know that I had a granddaughter. Sure, I don't know what happened between them, but I don't think that I deserve Lorelai's treatment of us either, so maybe Lydia didn't do anything bad. Maybe they just didn't get along – like Lorelai and me. I can't tell why, because Lilly and I get along great, but then I am not her mother and that simple fact can change a lot.

The christening will be in a few weeks. I don't know how I'd feel if I had missed Rory's. I keep thinking about writing a letter to Lilly's mother. I know that it would be some kind of betrayal towards Lilly, but maybe they'd reconcile and then she'd be grateful. But then, if they really did reconcile, I could lose them. It's a double-edged sword.

I'll be Becky's godmother, so I'd still be in contact with them, no matter where they lived. As her godmother, I wouldn't lose her - well, I shouldn't. I'm Lorelai's mother and I still lost her. It's no guarantee.

If they don't reconcile, Lilly will most likely be mad at me. But where can she go? She has no one besides Richard and me. Sure, she'll be mad, but that will pass, I think. I mean, she has to understand that it's kind of cruel to not even inform her parents that they've become grandparents.

Why did they send her away? It had to be because of embarrassment. It was his school and his daughter got pregnant. God knows what rules he set up there. But why didn't they even look for her? Are they that callous? I went crazy when we couldn't find Lorelai at first. It's bad enough the way it is now, with her and Rory being away from us, but at least I know they're _'safe'_. Not knowing where they were – those were the most horrible days of my life.

I drift off to a restless sleep. I dream about a lonely woman who doesn't know where to find her daughter and unknown granddaughter. The woman looks a lot like me. She's sitting in her bedroom and a pregnant Lilly walks away from her. Suddenly, the woman turns around and gives me an accusing look. She points her finger at me.

I wake covered in a cold sweat. This time it's in my hands. I can change it. I can let her mother know she's safe. I could even play peacemaker. Even though I know that it's betraying Lilly, even though I could lose her, I know the right thing to do is to write to her mother. So the next morning I sit down, get out my finest notepaper and pen and begin to write. I start over again several times before I'm satisfied with the result:

_Dear Mrs. Kingston,_

_I know you don't know me and you're probably surprised and curious about the content of this letter. _

_My name is Emily Gilmore and I found your daughter Lilly at a mall some weeks ago. I took her home with me and she's been living here ever since. A couple of weeks ago she gave birth to her daughter. She's such a cute little baby. _

_I don't know why you don't have any contact with them, but I felt you should know that they're all right. _

_Your granddaughter will be christened in two weeks and maybe you'd like to partake in this event._

_Lilly doesn't know about this letter, but you're welcome to come and visit her anytime._

_Sincerely,_

_Emily Gilmore_

I thought about mentioning Becky's name but decided against it. Lilly should tell her. I was also tempted to include a photo of them, but again, that would be going too far.

I still have doubts when I take the letter to the mailbox, but they vanish when I think about me and Lorelai. I would have been grateful if that Mia woman had sent me such a letter or an open invitation to come and visit them.

The next night, I tell Richard about it.

"How could you do this, Emily?" he demands.

"_How could I do this?_ You started it. Without you, I wouldn't even know their address," I reply.

"But I told you that's none of our business," he says.

"It's not? I would have been grateful to get such a letter. Hell, I still would be. You're the one who brought up her parents, and I agree they have a right to know she's safe. Think of yourself and imagine if we didn't know where Lorelai and Rory were. Do you still think I did the wrong thing?"

He sighs. "Maybe not. But I'm not sure any good will come of this. I mean, they didn't even search for her," he reasons.

He's right. And that's odd. "I had to try, Richard," is all I can say in response. And that's true. It's as simple as that. I had to try. Otherwise it would always have haunted me.

"And I guess telling me _after_ sending it, is also something you had to do," he quibbles.

"Yes. Because I knew it was the right thing to do. Besides, you didn't consult me before hiring that private eye," I quip back. We share a look, before I say, "You either would have talked me out of it or we'd have argued about it. This way I avoided both scenarios," I finish.

"So you wouldn't call this an argument?" he asks.

"No," I reply, just for the sake of disagreeing.

"Then what would you call it?" he asks, enjoying the game.

"A simple exchange of facts," I say, happy that I've found another fitting description.

"Well you're a smart woman," he replies, a mischievous look on his face. The next minute he puts his arm around my waist and pulls me towards him.

"Richard!" I protest. "What's gotten into you all of a sudden?"

"I'm tired of talking about all of this," he states and kisses me.

"But…"

"I said, don't talk," he commands, turning us around so that he hovers over me and kissing me again, this time more passionately. When he's sure I won't start talking again he continues to kiss other parts of my body. As much as this came out of the blue, I'm definitely not complaining. Not at all. And that night, I don't have any nightmares.


	12. Mrs Kingston

_Happy Easter! Thanks for all the reviews. ) And special thanks to **Inca**, who helped me months ago to come up with Lilly's past and who helped me again with this chapter. So this chapter is especially dedicated to you. _

_This chapter is rather important. I hope you like it!_

**Chapter 12: Mrs. Kingston**

I'm in the living-room, when the doorbell rings. "Lucrezia! The door!" I yell, and amazingly only seconds later I hear her hurrying to the door.

"My name is Lydia Kingston. May I speak to Emily Gilmore?" I hear a female voice say. I quickly put my book away and get up while the maid is letting her in. So she came.

"Mrs. Kingston? I'm Emily Gilmore. Nice to meet you," I greet her, not knowing if I'm really that pleased to see her, and extend my hand, which she shakes quickly. I guess she's in her early forties. She has dark hair, which is combed back and makes her look rather stern. She wears an elegant red costume with a light beige coat above it. Her clothes definitely suit her dark hair and slim figure. Everything of her appearance fits together. Her red lipstick, the red nail polish on her perfectly manicured hands and her make-up. Yes, she definitely could be one of the DAR ladies – if only she had the ancestors. "May I take your coat?" I offer, while giving Lucrezia a quick glare.

"No, thank you. I'm here to see my daughter. Is she here?" she asks me directly.

"Yes. She's upstairs nursing B-, nursing the baby," I correct myself quickly. For a moment I can see her considering whether or not to intrude on that, since she's frowning slightly, thus destroying the perfect appearance of her face for a tiny second. "I'd be happy to offer you some coffee or tea, while we wait for her to come down," I continue. Now she's quirking her left eyebrow.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Gilmore, but I'm not here to make small talk. I'm here to talk to my daughter, so I'd appreciate if you'd lead the way," she demands.

That's seriously some strange woman. Doesn't she even want to get to know me? The woman who helped her daughter and granddaughter? Not to mention that she didn't thank me once for writing the letter or taking them in. I wonder if she's hiding her real feelings behind that mask of perfect appearance. Maybe she's stressed and confused about all of this and this is her way to cope. I wasn't in the best state either back then.

"Well, she's been upstairs for a while. Maybe she's finished by now. Follow me," I say, beginning to climb the stairs slowly. Every third step I think I should start the small talk she's so uninterested in, but every time I don't follow through with it. In front of her door I stop and turn towards my guest.

"She's in there. She has no idea I contacted you. At least give me a second to announce she has a visitor," I say.

"Very well," she agrees, stepping back a little, a snotty look on her impeccable face. Somehow that look is reminding me of Constance Batterton.

I knock at the door. "Come in," Lilly says, and I open the door. Thankfully she finished nursing. Becky is already lying in the cradle.

"Lilly, here's someone to see you," I say. Lilly looks at me surprised. I step into the room, but before I can say anything further I know Lydia entered the room as well. Not because I heard it, but because of the look of utter shock on Lilly's face.

"Mother!" she exclaims, while I quickly withdraw. It doesn't look very promising, but this is their moment. I wouldn't want anyone to witness it either. So I go back to the floor and close the door behind me. I know I shouldn't eavesdrop, but as soon as I hear their voices, I know I'm glued to the spot.

"What are you doing here?" Lilly asks.

"Mrs. Gilmore was so nice to write me about your whereabouts, so I talked to your father and we agreed to come forward with a proposal," Lydia says, and I wince when I hear my name. Not that Lilly wouldn't have figured that one out.

"What proposal?" Lilly asks suspiciously, and I'm curious as well.

"You come back with me and the child will be given up to adoption," Lydia states emotionless, and I breathe in sharply. It won't work. And there's nothing I can do about it.

"Goodbye mother. As always it was lovely to talk to you," Lilly says.

"You don't even think about it?" Lydia asks incredulously. "There are tons of decent couples who can't get any children and would love to get … yours. But that's typical, you were always stubborn, you only think about yourself, everything always had to be your way," Lydia starts a sally, which sounds memorised.

"Right back at ya," Lilly mumbles.

"Fräulein – " Lydia threatens, but is interrupted by Lilly.

"No mother. Leave. Just leave me alone. I don't even know why for a nanosecond I thought you'd actually came here for me," she says upset.

"That's exactly what I came here for - to get you."

"No, you want to get your dream-daughter. The one who didn't screw up and embarrassed you. I don't know what, but I'm sure father and you already made up a plan to make everyone forget about what I did. But that's not me. I did screw up. I do have a daughter and you have a granddaughter – one you're not even interested in seeing or getting to know her name. You're only concerned about the family name and how to undo the damage, but you couldn't care less about my baby – and me. Hell, you didn't even want me to have her," Lilly yells, and I can only imagine the tears in her eyes. Did they really demand that she –

"You shouldn't swear, dear. That's not what I taught you. And yes, I didn't want you to have her. I still think you would be better off without her. I mean look at you. Not only did you lose your nearly perfect figure, but you have nothing. If it wouldn't be for that Mrs. Gilmore, where would you live now? And what do you think you'll do for the rest of your life? Living here, off the mercy of some strangers? You had every opportunity, but you threw them all away. At first you refuse the abortion, which your father and I would've covered. Then you ran away from the home we found for you and now when I got your father to agree for you to come home you refuse that as well? I really can't believe you," she goes on and on. She really wanted to kill her granddaughter. I can't believe it. From all the noise Becky begins to cry. I can hear some movements and I guess Lilly took her – well, I'm sure that's her. The witch doesn't even want to look at her.

"See whom you would've killed? That you even dare to go to church or social gatherings anymore. I made a mistake, yes, but the one you wanted me to make weighs a thousand times bigger. And now you can't even look at her, you're not asking anything about her, about me. Go mother, just go," Lilly says, first upset but in the end surprisingly calm.

"If you let me go now, I won't come back," Lydia states.

"I hope so," Lilly replies, and I think I hear the faintest tremble in her voice. When I hear Lydia going to the door, I step away quickly and run to my bedroom. She storms out of Lilly's room and descends the stairs. I go after her.

"Mrs. Kingston. Wait," I shout after her, still not fully comprehending everything I just heard. In the foyer she stops, turns around and looks at me coldly. "How can you leave like that? She's your daughter," I try to reason with her. For a tiny second it seems that my words have some effect on her. She squints and can't stand my gaze anymore. The mask is about to fall, but she's hiding it.

"I don't have a daughter anymore," she replies quietly with the slightest quiver, still looking down, before she turns around to walk outside.

"And your granddaughter?" I yell provokingly after her.

"I never had one," she answers steadily again, without turning around. With that she disappears and I'm too shocked to follow her. I wouldn't know what to say anyway. Those two are clearly lost. She really wanted to force her own daughter to murder her baby. I could've scratched Straub's eyes out when he made the suggestion back then. Never, never would I have allowed abortion. And Lorelai never had such a thought as well. Compared to them, Lorelai and I could even have a chance - despite our disagreements.

Sighing I make my way upstairs again and I'm not quite there when I hear a screaming Becky and a crying Lilly. I guess everything she suppressed in the presence of the witch comes out now. I don't even want to imagine what she'll feel for me right now. I don't bother to knock – they wouldn't hear it anyway. She just looks at me accusingly, crying and unable to speak. Becky's little face is all red. I cautiously make some steps towards them and hold out my arms. "Hand her to me," I say quietly.

"No. You won't get her. Go," she yells, a fresh batch of tears flooding her face.

"Lilly. Be reasonable. Becky can't calm down when you're so upset. And you have every reason to be," I add quickly, but she's still pressing the baby to herself. "Lilly. Becky shouldn't suffer because of this."

"It wasn't my idea to invite her," she spats.

I sigh. "I know. Lilly, please. Look at the face of your baby. She needs to calm down. And you're in no state to make that happen. I promise you, I won't leave the room. I won't take her from you. I just want to calm her. Please," I say, making another step towards them. She doesn't retreat anymore and I slowly take her from her arms. As soon as I have her, I scoop her up and whisper quietly into her ear. I start humming some melodies and wander around with her - a little away from Lilly, who still can't calm down, but always near enough for her to see us. Suddenly, she gets up and disappears in the bathroom. After a while I really manage to calm Becky and lay her in her cradle. When she's asleep – I guess she was pretty exhausted from all the screaming – I go to the bathroom, from where muffled sobs are escaping. I knock. No response. I peek into the room and Lilly sits in front of the bathtub. I quietly slip in. She glances briefly at me.

"I'm sorry, Lilly," I offer, sitting beside her.

"How could you ever have thought it would be a good idea to write to my mother? How could you've ever thought this would go over well?" she accuses me.

I sigh again and breathe in deeply. I guess it's time. "Because I would have wished something like that for me and Lorelai," I admit, and her head shots up. I can see that she's all ears, waiting for me to continue. "Lorelai left me when Rory was about a year old," I start, seeing her eyes widen. "Yes, I have a granddaughter. They left. I didn't throw them out or wanted them to go somewhere else. She just left. Some evening they simply weren't there anymore. For some time we didn't even know where they went," I say hoarsely, making a small pause before continuing. "Anyway, eventually we knew about her whereabouts. I just would've wished for someone to write a letter to me, to invite me to go over and visit her, to play mediator. I thought I could help you, but well, I was wrong. Would I've known what she'd demanded – I never would've sent that letter," I finish.

Lilly is quiet for a while. Finally she looks at me again. "When did she leave?"

I sigh. "It's been nearly three years."

"So you never saw her, since she left?" she asks.

"I went there twice, but it always ended in disaster. She doesn't want me in her life anymore. That's the sad fact I have to face," I say, getting up, before the emotions can overwhelm me. "I hope you don't hate me now," I add, reaching the door.

"I don't hate you," she answers.

I smile weakly at her. "Thank you."

"Mrs. Gilmore?"

"Yes?"

"Where did you have their address from?" she asks the inevitable question. I look down. "You hired someone, right?" I look up at her again. "I'm sorry, Lilly. We shouldn't have done that," I reply, covering for Richard. Not that he deserves it, but I don't want their relationship to get worse.

"_We?_ It was Mr. Gilmore's idea, wasn't it?" she asks. She's smart, and I can't outright lie to her.

"Yes. But try to see it from his point of view. He had to know. You wouldn't tell us anything – " I start to defend his action, but get interrupted.

"And what would there have been to tell? That my father runs this school with Victorian rules? Who ban a girl if she gets in trouble? That my parents wanted me to abort as to not embarrass them? That I refused and they sent me off to some terrible home, before I could show, far away from them of course, telling their friends god knows what. That I couldn't bear to be there anymore and ran off to anywhere but where they sent me?" she says upset, tears springing to her eyes again. "Sorry," she mumbles, before wiping them away.

"You have every right to be upset," I say, reaching out to put a strand of hair into place. We go back to her room. Becky is still sleeping.

"Thanks for calming her down," Lilly whispers.

"Well, it was my fault, she was upset."

"No, it wasn't. It was my damn mother's fault," she mumbles. I wish I could say something against it, but I can't. After watching Becky sleeping peacefully for a while Lilly turns to me.

"Do you have pictures of them?" she asks me, and my heart skips a beat.


	13. Pictures

_Finally ff let me update. Thanks so much for every review. You rock! Honestly I'm very glad you liked the last chapter, because I think it was a major one. Hope you like this one as well. _

**Chapter 13: Pictures**

_Do you have pictures of them? _The sentence is echoing through my head. Yes, I do have pictures of them. Of course, I have. They're my greatest treasure. Hidden in the top drawer of my nightstand. Every once in a while I look at them, just to put them away quickly as to shield them from my tears. Lilly is still looking at me expectantly. I could say no, but therefore I hesitated too long already. She wouldn't believe me. She probably would accept it, but would it be fair? She just opened up to me a little. Finally I know about her past. I told her a little about me as well. If I reject her now, would I destroy everything? The bonding we just had in her bathroom? But what if I do show them to her? What if she sees Lorelai and how similar they look? Deep down I know it's inevitable. If Lilly stays with us for a while – and that's how it's looking right now, with her mother being so stubborn and cold – she will get to see a picture of Lorelai or hear about their similarity from someone sooner or later.

"Yes," I answer tentatively. We share a look, before I slowly make my way to my bedroom, motioning for her to follow me. I feel that she's short of telling me I don't have to show her, but her curiosity wins the better of her. I reach for the top drawer and take the album in my hands. I flip through it.

The first picture is of Lorelai and Rory in hospital one day after her birth – Lorelai looking lovingly at her. Another one shows me carrying baby Rory. Richard, Rory and me – of course Rory is in my arms. Richard was always afraid babies could break in his. Lorelai and Rory in the garden. Rory's christening. She looks lovely, like a princess. A picture of the four of us. Christopher, Lorelai and Rory. _I wonder who Becky's father is. I still don't know about that. _Rory and her favourite stuffed animal. Some rooster, which Lorelai gave some silly name. General or Colonel something… Lorelai having Rory in her arms, looking exhausted. That was the time where she barely slept during the nights. Rory crawling. Lorelai feeding Rory her first pap. I remember scolding them for making such a mess. _Why did I do that?_ Rory sucking her thumb. Rory looking at her first baby book. Finally the official photo. I had a professional come to make photos, including one of Richard and me with the girls – Lorelai having Rory on her arm and standing in front of Richard and me. They look darling. Both in similar pink dresses. I remember fighting with Lorelai about it. She wanted jeans. I won. Of course, I did. Looking closely at her, she doesn't smile – not really, her eyes don't. She looks happier on the photo, where she's exhausted and couldn't sleep properly for days. Even happier on the one where she's covered in pap. On this one, we look proper. She hated these photos. I didn't. But maybe I do now. Maybe pink dresses is why she left. But that's ridiculous.

I feel someone fidgeting behind me. I nearly forgot about Lilly. I turn around and hand it to her. There's no reason to separate some out. I can see her eyes widen, shock overtaking her. She's flipping through it, looking at me puzzled.

"She … she looks like me," she whispers, and I don't dare to look at her. She's going through it again, this time looking more closely at the pictures. "How old was she?" she asks.

"Sixteen," I answer, and she swallows.

"She's me," she states numb.

"No," I say firmly.

She laughs bitterly. "You don't want me, you want a copy," she says, shutting the album close.

"That's not true," I say.

"Of course it is, how could I have ever believed anything else?" she mutters, handing the album back to me and leaves.

"Lilly Kingston! You won't leave this room without hearing me out," I cry. "That's the least you owe me," I add more kindly. She stops in her tracks and glares at me, but I can see the hurt. I go to the couch and motion for her to follow me. She doesn't sit down next to me. I sigh. "I admit that your look is the reason why I paid attention to you. I saw Lorelai in you back in that mall, that's right," I start, and triumph is mixed into her hurt look. "I thought about Lorelai and how I'd feel if she were out on the streets back then. So yes, it is your looks that caused me to pay attention to you that caused me to help you. But I always separated you from her. You're not the same person and don't you dare telling me I can't separate that. If I couldn't why wouldn't I want you to go into her room? Why aren't you sitting on her place at the table? Why did I make the attempt to reconcile you with your parents? I couldn't know about the state of your relationship. I could've lost you and Becky, yet I risked it. If I wanted a copy of Lorelai, you'd stay in her room, have her place at the table and I'd call you Lorelai. But I don't, because you're not her and I know that. And while you may look like her, your personality, your attitude towards me – it's different. Of course it is. You're not my daughter. So don't ever say again you are," I finish, tearing up.

Tears spring into her eyes as well. She comes over and sits down next to me, cautiously putting her hand on mine. "Are you sure you really want _me_ to stay? Still?" she asks me, sounding insecure.

"Yes, I am sure," I confirm, putting my other hand on top of hers. We're silent. But it's not a bad silence after all the emotional turmoil we went through in the last hours.

"Thank you for showing me the pictures," she says after a while.

"You're welcome," I reply.

"I like most the one of you and – what was her name – Rory?"

"Yes, Rory," I say, my thoughts going out to her and her upcoming birthday. Her fourth one.

"If only…" she starts, but doesn't finish, so my attention goes back to Lilly.

"If only?" I repeat.

"Nothing," she says, standing up. But I saw it, the wistful look on her face. And I figure it out. If only Lydia would look the same way at Becky as I did with Rory. If only Lydia had demanded a family picture.

"It's not your fault, sweetheart," I try to comfort her, putting my hand on her back for a moment. _Sweetheart. _When was the last time I've called Lorelai that? _Sweetheart._

She straightens her shoulders. "Thank you." And there it is again, her _thank you_.

That evening I tell Richard all about her past. He gives me his I-told-you-so look, but at least he doesn't comment anything.

"I know you said, nothing good would come out of this," I admit. "But at least we know about her parents now," I finish.

"That's right," he says, going over to me to caress my back.

"Poor Lilly," I say.

"Well, she has you, so she's not completely poor," he replies.

"She has _us,_" I correct him, interested in his reaction.

"That's right, dear. Us and Becky."

I'm more than satisfied with that answer. I smile at him and we kiss. "Thank you, Richard," I mumble into his mouth.

"Mrs. Gilmore?" Lilly asks me, with a serious look on her face. I'm sitting in the living room, writing some letters.

"Yes?" I say, looking up.

"I need to talk to you. But I can come back later, if I'm disturbing you now."

"You're not," I reply. I'm way too curious what it is that makes her look that way.

She takes a deep breath. "I thought about what my mother said yesterday," she starts, and I sigh.

"Oh, Lilly. If I'd known – " I interrupt her, but she cuts me off as well.

"No. It's just, that she's right with one thing. I can't live off your mercy forever."

"That's okay, Lilly. We told you, you could stay. Even Richard has agreed to this by now. It's no problem. Don't worry about it," I try to dismiss her thoughts.

"It's not that I'm worrying. And it's not that I'm thinking of leaving, because I wouldn't know where to go anyway," she says, and I'm relieved. "But it doesn't feel right to always take things from you, without giving back anything."

"You're giving back more than you can think of. Don't worry about that either," I try to assure her.

She again takes a breath. "Still, it doesn't feel right. And I'd like to offer you more than just my presence. I want to be useful. I want to work for you," she finishes and exhales.

"As what? A maid?" I ask, not believing that this is really what she's thinking about.

"Yes."

"You can't be serious, Lilly. Do you know how long a maid lasts in this household?" I try to joke with her.

"Exactly. I could start in a few days tops," she counters.

"I'm serious, Lilly. I don't think this is such a brilliant idea. Besides are you even able to work as a maid?"

"Well, I admit I can't cook. But sometimes you do have both - a maid and a cook. And I'm sure I can clean, greet guests or set the table – "

"The table you're eating at?" I say, trying to tell her how ridiculous her idea is.

"That's for you to decide," she says quietly. "I understand if that isn't possible anymore by then."

"Oh, Lilly. Stop it."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to annoy you. But I'm serious as well. I want to do something. You don't have to pay me. You're doing enough in taking care of me and Becky."

"If you work for me, you will get paid," I answer, realizing too late, that I'm already talking as if I have accepted. She lured me into a trap. "That doesn't mean I have decided that you'll work for me," I add quickly.

"Please, think about it."

"Aren't you at all scared that our relationship will change? That maybe we don't get along so well, when you're my maid?" I ask her, telling her of my fear - the reason why I'm mostly against this.

"Why? Do you have an allergy against them?" she jokes.

"I'm not joking, Lilly," I scold her.

"Sorry. I think it could work. At least we could try," she says, looking at me pleadingly.

"But you should go easy on yourself. It's just a few weeks since you gave birth," I play out my last trump.

"I'm fine. I could start with some light work. Please, think about it. That's all I'm asking. That you seriously consider it." Again she's begging me with her eyes.

"All right," I give in.

"Really?" she asks, sounding disbelieving.

"Yes, really," I reply.

"Thank you, ma'am."


	14. Gifts

_I'm so busy, but since yesterday went very well for me job-wise__, I was in the mood for an update, even though the next chapter isn't ready, yet. I usually only update when it is, but well, I'm in the mood. Especially after the new DC. _

_Thanks to all for your reviews. The alert function wasn't working and I thought at first you wouldn't like the story anymore, but then I checked the ff page – and voila, there they were. You're really great. Thanks so much. Enjoy this!_

**Chapter 14: Gifts**

We're at the mall, shopping for a christening dress. It doesn't seem right to give her Rory's. We also agreed to try the maid thing after the christening. After we found a beautiful dress – Becky will look like a princess – my eyes and feet are wandering to the toys.

"What are you looking for? Becky can't use any of these things for a long time," Lilly says, as I'm about to flip through a book suited for a child who goes to kindergarten.

"It's not for Becky," I reply, going over to some dolls in pink dresses and with pink bows in their hair. Beautiful. Every little girl would love it.

"Oh. So it's … it's for Rory, isn't it?" she asks me hesitantly.

"Yes. Her fourth birthday will be on Tuesday after the christening. I always send her a gift," I explain.

"So you don't go over and visit them?"

"No. Well, I did at first, but as I told you, it didn't turn out so well. Now I'm sending something over and in return I get a phone call. From Rory," I say, trying not to sound bitter.

"I'm sorry."

"Well, it's not your fault," I dismiss her attempt to comfort me before turning to some puzzles. "If I just knew what to pick. She's smart. Already knows the state capitals," I mutter. It's these things our phone calls are about. _Look, Mom, Rory already knows the state capitals – she'd love to show you. _And then she'd hand Rory the receiver – just to get away from me. I even wondered if maybe she teaches her these things, so she has an easy excuse on the rare times "we" talk.

"Maybe you should try again. Bring it to her in person," Lilly suggests.

"Here's a puzzle that shows America. But then, if she already knows the states … maybe I should go with a doll. Which little girl doesn't like a doll?" I babble, ignoring her suggestions. Lilly sighs.

"Well, if you say she's smart, why don't you get her a book? At one of the pictures you showed me, she also had a book, and she wasn't even a year back then."

That's true. "But what kind of book? A story book? One where she learns something?"

"Can't you give her one of each?" she asks.

"Of course, I can." And that's what I do. In the end I got her Cinderella, a book about how the first settlers came to America – made for children of course - and the beautiful doll. I know Lorelai will complain again that it's too much. That is, if she even talks to me, but I can't change it. I know so less about Rory, that I can't know what she'll like most. So she'll get everything. Well, not everything, but two books and a doll.

* * *

"Do you want me to take it to the post office? I'm going for a walk with Becky anyway. It would be no trouble," Lilly asks me, pulling me out of my thoughts. I look wistfully at the package in my hands, trying to imagine Rory's face when she opens it. But how to imagine her facial expression, when I don't even know her face? At least not her four-year-old face. She grows so fast. I sigh and look up at Lilly.

"That would be nice," I reply, handing it to her. "Are you sure you don't want to go out to lunch tomorrow after the christening? I'm sure I still could get a table," I offer again.

"No, thanks Mrs. Gilmore. I'd like to eat here."

I nod. "But then you decide what we'll have for lunch. Just go and tell Marietta."

"I will. Anything else you want me to pick up for you?"

"No, thanks." I again look wistfully at both of them leaving with Rory's gifts. If only I could see her again. Maybe I really should just go there again. But no, I'm not even sure she'd recognize me.

* * *

"Thank you, Mrs. Gilmore, that's a beautiful dress," Lilly says to me, when I give my gifts to Becky – my godchild – after the christening.

"You're welcome," I smile at her.

"And here's a little something as well, might come in handy later," Richard says, giving Lilly an envelope containing a bankbook. I decided to pay in something every month, so that Becky isn't completely penniless, when she's grown up.

Lilly gasps. "That … I can't accept that. It's just, it's just too much," she stammers.

"Nonsense. I want my godchild to be secured. Don't you dare refusing it," I threaten Lilly, pointing my finger at her before taking Becky from her arms. "Right? You need a little money when you're grown up. So tell your mama to stop acting silly and to accept it," I baby talk with Becky, but my eyes are resting on Lilly.

"All right. Thank you. Both of you. I honestly wouldn't know what to do without you," she says, tears in her eyes. I look at Richard and he puts his arm around me. "Look out! She's going for your necklace," Lilly cries suddenly, and I have trouble freeing Becky's fingers from my pearls.

"At least she has good taste," I joke, after I rescued my pearls.

"Seems like it," Richard chimes in. "Excuse me ladies, but I promised our man in Japan to give him a call," he says. I give him an accusing look. "I'm sorry, it won't be for long." Yes. Sure.

"Lilly?" I address her, after Richard went to his study.

"Yes, Mrs. Gilmore?"

"Please ask Marietta how long it takes until lunch," I say to her, debating with myself whether Richard needs half an hour or even longer for his 'not-so-long' phone call.

"Yes, Mrs. Gilmore," she replies, leaving for the kitchen.

"Lilly?" I call her back.

"Yes?"

"I don't think '_Mrs. Gilmore'_ is appropriate anymore. After all Becky is my godchild now. Call me Emily."

I can see her hesitating. "I don't think I should do that. I'll start to work as your maid tomorrow. I should call you _'Mrs. Gilmore'_."

I sigh. "I always was against that," I mutter, but she's interrupting me.

"Please, ma'am. Let's leave it as it is. It wouldn't sound right otherwise. It would be disrespectful."

"If said with respect it's not disrespectful," I counter. "Besides, do you want my godchild to call me _'Mrs. Gilmore'_?"

"She can't talk for some time. According to you, I'll stop being your maid a long time before Becky is able to talk. Let's face that problem, when she starts talking. But for now, I'd really feel better calling you _'Mrs. Gilmore'_," she finishes.

"Fine," I resign. "Would you please check up on Marietta now?" I ask her again.

"Of course. Sorry," she replies leaving.

"You won't call me _'Mrs. Gilmore'_, I'll make sure of that," I whisper to Becky.

Surprisingly both - lunch and Richard - are ready within the next minutes. It's a nice time for all of us. After lunch the doorbell rings and the photographer comes in.

"But … Who?" Lilly stammers confused.

"You don't think I'd go without pictures on a day like this, don't you? I'm not becoming a godmother everyday. And we're all dressed up anyway," I explain, looking at Lilly's green flowing dress, who covers the signs of her recent pregnancy. I'm glad I convinced her to accept it.

Lilly's eyes are shining. She comes to me and Becky, who's again in my arms, pretending to smooth her christening dress. "Thank you, Mrs. Gilmore. You don't know what that means to me," she says gratefully.

"Maybe I do," I reply, quickly touching her cheek to wipe away the one tear that fell from her eyes. "But now, try to smile," I encourage her.

"Yes, ma'am."

The pictures will be beautiful. Becky. Lilly and Becky. Becky and me. Lilly, Becky and me and all four of us. Yet I know that she misses her family. It's not that she says anything or complains in any way, but the look in her eyes. I know it all too well. It still hasn't left mine.

* * *

I finished several phone calls with DAR ladies, concerning our next charity event. Sometimes I wonder where they left their brain or if they had one to begin with. Why is it that if you want something done properly, you have to do it by yourself? It always comes back to that.

"Mrs. Gilmore?" Lilly is interrupting my thoughts.

"Yes?"

"I'm finished with the ironing."

"Good. I'll look at it later. Then you can start cleaning the windows," I give Lilly her next job. She hesitates. "Do you think that's too hard physically? I can think of something –"

"No. It's not that. I'm sure I could manage. I was just wondering…"

"Yes?" I still have to check with the caterer. It would be a miracle if there wouldn't be any problems with him.

"I was wondering, if maybe you'd allow me to leave for a few hours," she says, sounding relieved that it's out.

"What?" I ask perplex, giving her my full attention now.

"I know, I have yet to work for two hours. And I will. In the evening. As soon as I'm home. But I need to do something first. Please. I know the timing is bad," she says contritely.

"I'd say it is. Where do you want to go anyway?" I demand.

"I can't tell you," she says, looking down.

"Well, that's just the answer I wanted to receive," I reply sarcastically.

She sighs. "Please. Just for today."

"And what about Becky? Do you plan to take her with you to your mysterious place?"

"I thought maybe you could take care of her," she says, biting her lip.

"So let me summarize: On your first day of work – and _you _wanted to work – you ask me to leave early, don't say why and want me to take care of your daughter in the mean time. Did I get that right?" I say a little passive-aggressively.

"Pretty much. I will catch up on my work as soon as I'm back," she replies quietly.

"I knew we shouldn't have started this. It's not going to work," I state.

"Yes, it is. It was only a question. It's up to you. If you don't allow it, I'll stay. Simple as that," she says.

I look at her and she seems sincere. Yet I see that she desperately wants me to let her go. I could look after Becky I don't think I have to leave the house… "But you really want to go? It has to be now?"

"Yes, ma'am. But as I said, it's your decision."

"And you can't tell me where you're going?" I ask again, knowing I'm repeating myself and only prolonging everything.

She shakes her head. "I'm sorry."

"What if something happens to Becky?" I ask the last thing coming to my mind.

"I won't be gone for long," she promises.

I sigh. "If it's that important – go." She looks at me and I nod at her. "Don't worry about Becky."

"I won't. Thank you. I promise I'll finish my work as soon as I come back," she says happily.

"That's not necessary," I dismiss.

"Oh yes, it is," she insists.

She thanks me some more, goes upstairs to change into a jeans and a red blouse, kisses Becky, thanks me again and leaves.

When she comes back two and a half hours later – the caterer of course had also some mistakes in the menu - she looks defeated. Without a word she nurses Becky, before going back to her work. I wonder if it's something about her family. But the look in her eyes – I don't dare to ask.


	15. The Surprise

_Many__, many thanks to my faithful reviewers. As with the last chapter I got more reviews on this story than on Crisis of a Marriage - and that one has 40 chapters. You rock ladies (well, I just assume that my readers are female)! Enjoy the next one. _

**Chapter 15: The Surprise**

Lilly's mood didn't get better during the last two days. I'm close to question her about her mysterious Monday afternoon, but some weird feeling is holding me back. She did her work quite well so far. This morning her task is to clean the guestroom.

„I'm finished, Mrs. Gilmore. What do you want me to do next?" she asks me, coming into the living room.

Wow – that was fast. I can't believe she got everything cleaned in half an hour. "We need some things from the grocery store. Ask Julia what exactly she needs and then you can go with Becky for a walk and while you're out there anyway you can buy the groceries," I reply, looking at her slightly falling apart hairdo.

"Yes, ma'am," she answers, turning around to get Becky.

"And fix you hair," I shout after her. If I'm not mistaken, I hear her grumbling a response. I'm tempted to scold her, but I let it go. If only I knew what happened on Monday.

When she leaves ten minutes later – hairdo fixed – I go upstairs to check on the guestroom. As I thought she couldn't manage to clean it properly. The glass-table still has some chains on it. I need to talk to her. Whatever happened, it's no excuse to neglect her work. Especially since she doesn't even need to work in the first place.

Going downstairs, I pass Lorelai's room. I didn't hear from her or Rory. Usually she calls one day after her birthday – at least Lorelai has the common decency to teach her daughter to make _'_Thank you calls' - but not this time. Did something happen? To them? To my gift? Lilly brought it to the mail in time. It had to be there on Tuesday. But then you never know. Sometimes those things take longer. Now it's Thursday. Maybe they were busy yesterday. I know I'm certainly not Lorelai's number one priority. And if something did happen to them? But no – then I would know about it – I hope. The phone rings. I practically run to catch it. Disappointment. It's only Sarah McLoudy. Calling because she can't help me to pick out flowers for our next charity event. Her daughter is sick. „Yes, I understand … Yes, I'm able to handle it myself." Of course I am – who does she think she's talking to? It will go far quicker this way anyway.

I look outside, watching two birds fighting over a worm. I remember Rory showing me a worm. As much as I love gardening I never was too fond of worms and insects. I did it all because of the flowers. I remember telling her to throw it away. I had to tell her twice. She didn't get why grandma wouldn't like this present, since I always admired everything else she brought me. She cried when I took her in my arms to clean her hands.

I hear the front-door open. Lilly and Becky are back.

"Hello, little Becky. Did you have a nice walk with your mommy?" I say to her, picking her up. „When you've brought the groceries into the kitchen, please come to the guestroom. I need a word with you, Lilly," I address her.

"Yes, Mrs. Gilmore," she replies irritated. I take Becky upstairs, freeing her from her jacket. I'm already in said room, when Lilly appears. "Yes, ma'am?" she asks me.

„Do you really think this room is cleaned properly?" I ask her.

She looks around. "Why – yes. Otherwise I wouldn't have told you I was finished with it," she says, rather defiant.

"There's no need for that tone," I scold her, and she looks down, but without saying anything. "Take a look at the table," I ask her. She obeys, but I don't get an answer. "And?" I prod.

"Well, I did clean it, really," she defends herself.

"That only makes it worse. Would you call it clean?"

"I did clean it," she mumbles again, and I'm about to lose my temper.

"That's not what I asked," I say impatiently, changing Becky's position from my right to my left arm. "Did you clean it from above and below? It's glass, in case you haven't noticed. It needs to be cleaned from both sides."

"Sure," she grumbles.

"Lilly," I threaten her. "I'm warning you the last time – don't take that attitude towards me. I take it you haven't cleaned it from below – hence the stains."

"Those tiny stains – you barely can see them," she mutters.

"I saw them right away. And I'm tired of discussing this. They're here and they shouldn't be. You had a task which you didn't fulfil properly – end of story," I say a little louder. Becky starts to fidget and I make a mental note to calm down. I caress her tiny body.

"So what? Are you saying I can't do anything right? I'm trying, I really am, but nothing is good enough for you. My hairdo, the guestroom. Some tiny stains. A whole room and you make a fuss about some little stains, when no one is going to spend the night here anyway. I'm sick of it, sick and tired," she yells, before running away.

I'm left behind – shocked. Maybe she has more in common with Lorelai than I thought. They could both enter the competition for best drama queen. I try to soothe Becky who of course started to cry when she heard her mother yell. Within a few minutes she's asleep in my arms. I'm really good at this. I look at the table some more. I really don't get what upset her so much. She's the one with an attitude. Not me. I hear her sob, but I won't go to her. Not this time. This time she has to come to me. Since I don't want to go into her room, I take Becky downstairs to lay her in her stroller. Shortly before lunch I go upstairs. While I say to myself it's because I need to check if the costume I want to wear tonight is in perfect state I know it's also because I secretly want to check on Lilly. When I pass the guestroom I see her kneeling next to the table cleaning it – from below.

"Lilly – when you're finished here, I want you to come to my room. I need to talk to you," I say to her.

"Yes ma'am," she replies, looking up at me. We share a look, before she goes back to her cleaning and I go to my bedroom.

Ten minutes later I hear a knock.

"Come in," I say. She doesn't look good. You can see that she cried.

"Mrs. Gilmore -,"

"I know what you want to say Lilly. But let me say it again. You don't have to work for me. Obviously it's too stressful. We can stop this right here and now."

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Gilmore. I lost my temper. Becky was quite the task tonight. That's no excuse, I know. I apologize. You were right, it wasn't cleaned properly. I did it again, you can look for yourself. I hope I took care of everything now, but if you still find any fault I'll do it again. I know I should have done it right the first time though," she says, looking down. "I'm really … I don't know how else to say I'm sorry. But please give me a second chance. I know I can do it. I just – please give me a second chance. And please accept my apology," she says, barely taking a breath.

"I appreciate you saying these things and cleaning it again. But I want to make it clear that I will not be spoken to like this in my house. And certainly not from my maid. When I tell you to do something you don't question it. It doesn't matter if the room is in use currently or not. This house will always be prepared. If you were any other maid you'd be fired by now, I think you know that. You know also that I was against this arrangement from the beginning on. And this morning proved me right," I say fiercely. Lilly looks down in shame. "Look at me when I'm talking to you," I demand, and she slowly looks up at me, tears shimmering in her eyes.

"I'm sorry for the way I talked to you," she whispers, her lower lip trembling. "I really am."

I nod. "You said you were sick of it, sick and tired. We can stop this Lilly. It's too much. Becky is still so little she needs you around the clock. It's only natural that it's too much for you."

"But I know I can do it, please ma'am. Please give me a second chance. I promise I won't beg for a third or fourth. If I lose it one more time I won't object anymore," she pleads with me.

Becky starts crying. „See, we don't even have time to talk properly," I counter.

"We have. I'll let her cry. She has to learn anyway that I won't come the second she starts crying." I look at her. She's serious, she doesn't move a bit.

I sigh. „One last chance. And now go check on your daughter," I dismiss her.

"Thank you, thank you, Mrs. Gilmore," she says gratefully, curtseys and turns around to pick up Becky.

I go to the guestroom. It's fine now. No more stains. When I turn around to go downstairs I see her standing in the doorway, a calm Becky on her arms. "It's ok now," I smile lightly at her.

She nods. When I go past her she whispers again, „I'm really sorry, ma'am."

I stop to look at her. She looks so young, so vulnerable, with that little baby on her arm. "Let's put it behind us, shall we?" I ask her, touching her cheek lightly.

"Yes, ma'am," she replies, and from her look I know that she knows this is my way of telling her I accept her apology.

After a few steps I turn around again. „Lilly?"

„Yes, ma'am?"

„You did bring Rory's gift to the mail on Saturday, did you?"

"Yes, ma'am."

„And there was no problem with it, none at all?"

"No, ma'am. Everything was fine. I would have told you, if there was a problem of any kind."

"Of course, you would have," I end the conversation in going downstairs. If I'm not imagining things I hear her again whispering "I'm sorry," but I know this time she isn't talking about her behaviour.

* * *

It's Friday morning. By now I'm really worrying about my girls. Maybe I should call the inn? Even Richard seems to sense my concerns.

"What's wrong with you, Emily?" he asks me, putting his arm around my shoulder, kissing my temple.

"Nothing," I reply, freeing myself from his embrace to make my way to the bathroom.

"Emily. I know you. Something is wrong. Can't you tell me?" he calls after me. I jerk to a halt. Can't I tell him? What would he say? Would he get worried too? Would he understand me? He knows I'm sending her gifts every year. If he paid attention he would also know that they call after receiving them. "It's about Rory, isn't it?" he asks me quietly. So he did pay attention.

"It's two days, Richard. Usually she'd have called me on Wednesday," I admit my concern.

"Oh Emily – I'm sure they're all right. Maybe they went away for a few days," he tries to soothe me.

"Yes, maybe. Probably you're right," I smile at him. At least I try. Where could they go? It's not that they swim in money to make vacation. I decide right here and now that I won't leave the house today. I have to be here when the phone rings.

"You know what? If we haven't heard from them by Sunday, we'll drive to the inn," he says, and I look at him with a mixture of relief and skepticism. "Just to check on them – too short to get into a fight," he adds, seeing my look.

He's really able to read my mind. "All right. Thank you Richard," I say, leaning forward to kiss him. Then I go into the bathroom to get ready for another day of waiting.

It's afternoon. I'm sitting outside with Becky. The days are getting colder, but fresh air is good for babies and with the right clothes it shouldn't be a problem.

"Mrs. Gilmore?" Lilly asks me, unusually chipper. I really hope she got over her depressive mood for good.

"Yes," I reply, putting my book in my lap.

"Here's someone to see you," she says, again all smiles.

I can't believe my eyes, but stepping outside is no other than my daughter Lorelai, followed by a little girl, half-hiding behind her mother – Rory. "Lorelai!" is all I manage to say, barely noticing the book, which is hitting the ground with a thud. To be honest, I think I only notice, because Rory steps a little forward, eyeing it.

"Hello, mother," Lorelai says.


	16. Lorelai

_Thank you as always for the reviews. They make my day. __Can't wait to hear what you think of this one. Enjoy!_

**Chapter 16: Lorelai**

I just stare at her. My daughter. She came. To my house. Her home. I can't even think in complete sentences. She came. After three years she came. With her daughter. Rory.

Rory. She's still eyeing the book. And me. She has grown so much since the last time I saw her. She doesn't look like a toddler anymore, but like a little girl. Soft brown curls, porcelain skin, blue eyes – she looks beautiful. And her mother. My daughter. Lorelai. 20 years old. Dark curls, blue eyes and hands that have seen work. They look stronger than four years ago. I look into her eyes and I can't read her. I don't know what she's thinking. Why she's here.

_Why is she here?_ And then it hits me. Lilly. Her mysterious Monday afternoon. Her bad mood, and then her chipper '_Mrs. Gilmore_' just a few minutes ago. She went to see Lorelai. I look around, but I can't find her. She gave us our private moment – maybe she's hiding behind the curtains, but she's nowhere to be seen.

I don't know what to say but I know that it's getting more awkward by the second. I really don't know what to say to Lorelai, so I focus on Rory. "Hello Rory. Happy belated birthday," I say to her, while bending down to pick up the book. When I address her, she nestles to Lorelai's leg, putting her arms around it and hides her face.

"Rory," Lorelai says softly, freeing her leg from her and caressing her hair. "Say hello to your grandmother."

"Hello, Grandmother," she says shyly, looking more at my book than at me.

"Do you want to take a look at it?" I ask her, holding the book out to her. She looks at me, pondering whether or not she should risk to leave her mothers side. It hurts a little to see that she seems to be afraid of me. I wonder what Lorelai told her. I glance briefly at her.

"Do you want to take a look at grandma's book?" she asks her as well, probably as grateful for the distraction as I am. I wonder if Lorelai also noticed Rory's formal '_Hello, Grandmother'_ and decided to call me grandma instead. Grandma sounds much nicer.

Slowly Rory moves towards me and I give the book into her tiny hands. I kneel down beside her. "It's called – "

"A … A r – o – o – m, ro-om," Rory starts, and I can't believe my ears. She can read already. I look up at Lorelai, amazed and Lorelai looks proudly back at me and Rory. "w – i – t – h," Rory says, frowning, "wit?" she says, looking questioningly at Lorelai.

"_with_, honey. It's '_t' _and '_h'_, so it's called '_th'_ as in _the_," Lorelai explains to her.

"with," Rory nods. "A … room … with … a … v – i - e – w," she sighs.

"Well, that's a very complicated word. It's pronounced _view," _I say the word slowly.

"View," Rory repeats. "_A room … with a … view_."

"That's right. Very good, Rory," I praise her, and she smiles at me. "I didn't know you started reading already," I add, looking at Lorelai.

Lorelai tries to ignore my pointed remark. "Rory can do a lot of things," she says, looking proudly at Rory.

"I'm sure she can," I reply.

"What is '_A room with a view'_?" Rory asks me.

"A view is when you look out of the window of a room, what you see there is called the view," I explain to her.

She seems to think about it. "So the book is about one room and what you can see when you look outside?"

"That's the title of the book. But it's about much more. About a young girl named Lucy, who makes vacation in Florence, Italy. And Charlotte and George and Cecil," I say, asking myself why. She's four. It's not a children's book.

"Are they all in the room?" she asks me.

"Not every book is only about its title, Rory." I reply.

"But _Cinderella_ is. It's all about Cinderella," Rory says, and I'm grateful she changes the topic and also delighted to hear she already read it.

"So you read it already?" I ask her happily.

"Sure, often – "

"Rory, remember why we're here. You wanted to say something to grandma," Lorelai interrupts her. Rory looks back and forth between Lorelai and me.

"Oh yes. Thank you Grandma. For the books and the doll."

"You're welcome, Rory. And which one of them do you like most?"

"The book about the first settlers. I love Cinderella, but I knew it already," she says, chattering further about the doll and how she likes it, but she loves books more. My face falls slightly and I see Lorelai closing her eyes.

"So you already have _Cinderella_?" I ask her finally.

"No. It's in kindergarten. Sally reads it to us often."

"Oh," I say, shooting an accusing look towards Lorelai. That's what happens when I know nothing about them. In fact I didn't even know about kindergarten. "I can buy you another one, one you don't know. You just have to tell me which books you do know already," I say.

While Rory starts listing the books she knows, Lorelai interrupts her.

"That's not necessary. Remember you were happy about having _Cinderella_ at home. And grandma already got you another book you didn't know and a doll." Rory falls silent.

"I don't mind buying her another one," I say.

"I know you don't, but as I said, it's not necessary," Lorelai says. "You were very generous with your presents and we came here to thank you," she adds. Very generous. Two books and a doll. It's not that I bought her fancy dresses, children's jewellery or anything of the kind.

"Yes, thank you Grandma," Rory whispers. "I really like having _Cinderella_ for myself. I learn to read with it. It's easy, because I know what happens."

"Good. – Well, why don't you sit down," I say, noticing we're still standing. "What about some milk and cookies?" I ask Rory, and she nods eagerly. "And coffee for you Lorelai?"

"We don't plan to stay that long," she chimes in.

"Not long enough for a simple coffee? You don't want to tell me you just came to thank me, therefore you wouldn't have to come. At least you never did," I say, cursing myself for getting so sharp-tongued. Before she can reply anything I shout for Lilly.

"Yes, Mrs. Gilmore?" she says, coming out mere seconds after I called her. I knew she would be somewhere close-by.

"Please get some cookies and milk for Rory and coffee for Lorelai and me."

"Yes, ma'am," with that she turns around and leaves to get the things I ordered.

"Please, sit down," I say again to Lorelai, softer this time. Reluctantly she agrees. Silence. Awkward silence. Why didn't I agree for them to leave? – Because I want to have them here, even if it is beyond awkward. "How are you?" I finally say, using the most simple small talk start.

"Fine," Lorelai replies shortly.

I nod. "And you?" I turn towards Rory. "How was your birthday? Did you have a nice day?"

"Yes," she says excitedly. "I woke up and my presents were already there. Moms and yours," she starts and I'm touched that Lorelai at least gave her our presents in the morning as well – not as an afterthought. "And then I could decide what to wear and I chose the new dress mom made me, it's beautiful, it's this," she continues, pointing at her dress. It's a blue one and if Lorelai really made it herself, then I have to say it's not that bad, nothing fancy, but decent. "… and then we went to the kitchen, because we were hungry and Sookie made me the best birthday cake ever, chocolate, with candles. And everyone sang me _"Happy Birthday". _And I got more presents from Mia and Sookie and then we went outside for a picnic and then Lane came and we had so much fun – mom, Lane and me."

"Who's Lane?" I interrupt her.

"My best friend. I met her in kindergarten."

"Ah – I'm glad you had such a nice birthday," I say, noticing that she didn't mention Christopher or any kind of present from him.

"I had. Remember Mom, when we wanted to make the fire, and it didn't work?" she giggles.

"A fire?" I ask Lorelai.

"Yes, on our picnic. Mom thought she could do it, but she couldn't. So we had to go back to the kitchen and ask Sookie to help us cooking," Rory still chuckles.

"You wanted to make a fire – with two 4-year-olds?" I ask her incredulously.

"Well, it didn't work out, Mom. No need to get upset," she shots back. Rory becomes silent. I bite my tongue as well. Why does Lilly need so long? At least with coffee I would've something to hold onto. Suddenly Becky starts to cry. I quickly go to pick her up. I start to soothe her and bring her back to the table.

"Who's that?" Rory asks with big eyes.

"That's Becky. The daughter of my maid," I add, trying to prevent that Lorelai draws a wrong conclusion. But she snorts already. I glare at her. Finally Lilly comes back. After she set everything on the table she turns towards me.

"I'm sorry. I can take her now so you can enjoy your coffee," she says, and I wonder if she's being sarcastic. But I guess she is that naïve. Reluctantly I hand her over. "If you need anything, let me know," she says, before turning around and taking Becky with her.

"Where do you go?" Rory asks her, her eyes still on the baby.

"Inside - to play a little with her. Do you want to come with us?" she asks, and I can't believe my ears. Looking at Lorelai's horrified look, we are at least this once thinking the same.

"May I, Mom?" Rory asks Lorelai, looking pleadingly at her.

"But your milk and the cookies?" Lorelai says. Rory takes some sips.

"I can take the cookies with me. Please Mom, I really want to see where they're going. I'll be back soon," she promises.

"All right, but not for long," Lorelai gives in, shooting Lilly a look. "But you have to ask grandma if you're allowed to take the cookies with you," she adds.

"May I, Grandma?" she asks me. How could I say no to these eyes?

I nod. "Yes, you may," I reply, ignoring Lorelai's mumbled words about suddenly being allowed to eat wherever one wants.

"Thanks. I'll be back soon," Rory says with a last look at Lorelai, before she bounces after Lilly and Becky.

Another silence.

"She loves babies," Lorelai tries to explain. "Since this couple with a newborn baby stayed for a week at the inn, she won't go anywhere else, when she spots one. I guess it's a phase," she excuses her half-jokingly.

I'm not sure if she really feels the need to excuse Rory, if she's just unsure of what to say or if this is one of her jokes. Since I have no clue about her, I simply nod. More silence. Coffee sipping. Finally I can't bear it any longer. "Why are you here, Lorelai?" I ask the question, which entered my mind the moment I saw her. And I want more than _Lilly came to me_ as an answer.

"I wanted to see if it's true," she blurts out, as if she'd only waited for me to start.

"If what is true?" I ask.

"That I've been replaced – no that we've been replaced," she corrects herself.

"You've not been replaced," I counter.

She snorts. "Of course we have. I mean look at her. She's the spitting image of me. Only more obedient, I'd say. How convenient, Mom. Isn't that what you always wanted?"

You have no idea what I want. I want you. You and Rory. But that's not what I reply. "Watch your tongue, missy," I say tartly.

"Sure, that's what it always was. If you can't deal with it, you just tell me to shut up. Well, not anymore, Mom. I'm not living here anymore, thank God I'm not. You can't send me up to my room or ground me or whatever crap you dished out, when you couldn't deal with me. You're sick to take in another girl – another me, and a baby, pretending they're your family. Oh I know she's your maid, you're still concerned about appearances, aren't you?" she exclaims.

"Stop it," I yell. "You have no idea what I want. Lilly was in need. She still is. She would've given birth God knows where, if I hadn't seen her. You can't hold it against me, that I'm helping a girl in need." Lorelai snorts again. "What do you want Lorelai? You left! You chose to be somewhere else. Then be somewhere else. What do you care about what's going on here?"

"You're right, I don't," she yells, standing up to leave.

"Running away again, are you?" I shout after her, tears glistening in my eyes.

"I just do what you told me to – being somewhere else," she says defiantly, before taking off. It feels like three years ago. We haven't changed a bit.


	17. Aftermath

_Thanks so much for your reviews – the ones who always do and the new ones. __It's great even new people are reviewing. I love to hear your opinions. I'm glad you thought the fight was in character and that you got both POV's. I was thinking a lot about how to describe it. _

_Sorry this update took longer, but yesterday was a big day job wise and it went very well, and well so here's your update. I finally had time to think about this story some more and to write it down. I hope you enjoy it!_

**Chapter 17:**** Aftermath**

I watch my daughter leaving. Again. No, not again. I didn't watch her the first time. She didn't give me the courtesy of saying goodbye. But I did watch her walking away from me several times. Though this time I feel that I won't see her again for a long time, it's no 13-year-old-storming-out-of-the-rom-Lorelai, who will be there again for dinner it's my 20-year old daughter who came home after three years and who's leaving now, because we had a fight – again. Because I told her to go. How could I say something like this to her? For a moment I consider going after her, at least saying goodbye to Rory, who I won't see for a long time either, but I can't. One more look at them and I'd break down. And I won't break down in front of them. I won't show her how weak and vulnerable I am when it comes to her. How much she hurt me and still does. Suddenly loud voices are interrupting my thoughts.

"But you can't leave like that," Lilly exclaims.

"Watch and learn," Lorelai replies sharply, and it hurts even more. Now she wants to take Lilly and Becky away from me as well. Part of me wants to go inside to tell her to just leave us alone, but I'm petrified.

"What happened, Mom?" Rory asks timidly. I feel the lump forming in my throat. I try to swallow it with all my strength, but I don't succeed.

"We're leaving," Lorelai simply answers, calmer, but determined. Rory doesn't question her. Lorelai always questioned me. No matter how determined I was.

"Don't do this," Lilly pleads with her. "Don't walk out on her like this. She doesn't want you to leave – "

"Oh, she wants us to leave. She said it right to my face, you can ask her. Besides she has you, she doesn't need the two of us," Lorelai replies upset.

No, I only need you. Surprisingly that is what Lilly tells her.

"She doesn't want you to leave. No matter what she says to you. You didn't see her looks, you didn't hear her talking about you – "

"I heard enough. She has you, the spitting image of me. She has a new baby. She has everything she needs."

"I am not you. When I saw pictures of you I thought the same, but I'm not you. And Becky isn't Rory. I accused her of the same things, but she made it clear to me that we aren't the same. That she's not replacing anyone. No one sits on your place at the table. I'm not allowed in your room. She cares for me and Lilly, because we're not as lucky as you were. I wouldn't know what to do without her. Please don't leave. She'll be mad at me for going to you anyway, but if it ends like that…"

"Then what? She won't throw you out. In case you didn't know I left, she didn't throw me out. You have to take care of yourself if you don't want to be oppressed for the rest of your life. Leave while you still can, before she turns you into something you don't want to be. Come Rory!"

It seems that they're leaving. Suddenly I hear Lilly shouting after them.

"You don't know how lucky you are. I would kill for my mother even looking at my daughter the way your mother looks at Rory. I would do everything to have a mother who'd want to take care of me and my daughter. Who wouldn't want to force abortion upon me." For a moment I hear Lorelai's steps stopping. "Yes, you heard right. She wanted to kill her granddaughter. You may think you have the worst mother in the world, well I have news for you, you're wrong. I have," Lilly says, and I can hear that she's close to crying.

"Still I have to leave. We'd only fight again," Lorelai says calmly, maybe even a little sad and sadly she's right. We would fight again if she came back now. I hear the front door closing and Lilly running upstairs. She's gone. For some glorious minutes I had my girls back. I can't help but cry. I barely notice that it gets darker. I barely notice that it's mizzling. I just sit there, staring at some point ahead of me, thinking about how I've lost them again. How I had the slightest of chances and didn't use it. But I wasn't prepared. How could she go to them like that? Without telling me, without warning me. My mood changes constantly from being angry at Lilly to pitying her. She only meant well, I know that, but still.

"Emmy? Dear?" Richard says, and I flinch. I just stare at him, my tears mixed with the soft rain. He squeezes my shoulder. "You'll catch a cold, Emily. Come inside," he says, helping me to get inside. He brings me to our bedroom, runs me a bath and tells me to take it to get warm again. Not a word about Lorelai. Not even a question. Why isn't he questioning me? Does he know already? Did he talk to Lilly? But I can't talk about it. So I take the hot bath with a scent of lilies and eat the chicken soup he set on my nightstand. At least I think he put it there. Just when I'm finished he comes in again. "Better?" he asks me. I nod weakly.

"How did you know?" is all I manage to say.

"I talked to Lilly – she told me," he starts, apprehensive of saying too much. I nod.

"How is she?"

"Like you – crying," he replies, and I can't help it, but the tears flow again. I let myself fall in his embrace.

"She came Richard. She came. With Rory. She was so cute. And then Rory left with Lilly and it was the two of us and we started fighting. Of course we did. She thinks I replaced her, that I have everything I need now. And I told her to go. I told her to go, Richard," I sob. "How could I say something like this?" He just caresses my back, saying soothing words. After some time I take a step back, wipe the tears from my face and look up at my husband. He has the worried look, the look he had three years ago and guilt is flashing through me. "Don't worry, Richard. I'll manage," I assure him. He kisses my forehead.

„If there's anything I can do, Emmy, anything at all," he starts.

"Just be here for me. Just hold me when I need you. You're doing enough, Richard." And please don't blame me. He lifts his hand to wipe the last traces of my tears away with his thumb. Then he slowly bends down to kiss me. A long soft kiss. Assurance that I'll never be alone.

"I'll always be at your side, Emily. Always," he says, and looking into his eyes I see only love. I kiss him back.

"Thank you, Richard." Suddenly I remember Lilly. She's all alone - well she has Becky, but other than that... Richard told me she'd be crying. "I'll be right back," I say and he nods knowingly.

When I go down the hallway I hear that he said the truth, she is crying. Did she cry all the time? I knock and enter. She lies on her bed, trying to lessen her sobs with the pillow. Becky is asleep in her crib. "Lilly," I say, and she looks up, getting in a sitting position.

"Mrs. Gilmore," is all she can say for a long time. I'm not sure what to say either. Part of me is mad at her for doing this behind my back, but part of me feels for her, even more when I look at her. I just can't decide how to start, whether to scold or comfort her. "You hate me, do you?" she says finally, and I know what to do. I go to her bed, sitting down beside her. She flinches a little when I come towards her. Is she really scared? Even Lorelai told her I'd never throw her out. I take her hand and look into her glistening eyes.

"I don't hate you." She swallows. "But I'm not happy either," I continue. She nods.

"I'm sorry," she whispers.

"Why did you do this? How could you think this would be a good thing?" I ask her.

"You thought the same," she replies.

"Pardon me?"

"You also thought you could reconcile my mother and me."

"Yes, and didn't we learn from that?" I say, trying to lighten the mood. It doesn't work she only gives me a weak smile in return. "Seriously Lilly, why did you do it? Is it some sort of get back? Because I wrote to your mother?"

"No," she says vehemently. "I saw how unhappy you were, how much you missed them. And you're doing so much for me that I wanted to do something in return and I thought Rory's birthday would be a sign. So I went to Lorelai and asked her to come. I told her how nice you were, what you'd do for me and Becky – for strangers. And that you'd love to see them." Suddenly she stops. For a minute I ponder whether or not I want to know the answer to my next question.

"What did she say?"

"She said this would be none of my business and told me to go. I asked her to please think about it. Also for Rory. Finally she said she'd think about it, but I thought she'd only said it, so that I'd leave. I didn't think she'd come."

"Yes, well. Seems you were more convincing than you thought."

"What happened?"

I sigh. "We'll never see eye to eye," I say in a tone which makes it clear this is all I'll say about the matter. I can't bring myself to tell her Lorelai's words. She'd only blame herself.

"I didn't mean to cause more hurt. I meant well. I thought, because you love them, that if you'd just talk to each other, it would work out. I'm sorry," she says again.

If we'd talk to each other. We say words to each other, but we never talk. Not really. I guess that's our problem. Or we talk on different levels. Never on the same page. The story of our lives. Even when she was little we seldom were, but back then it was easier to make her following my way. I look at Lilly and slowly raise my hand to wipe away her tears. "You tried. It's not your fault. However I would've preferred if you hadn't done this behind my back." She nods. "All right. Go to sleep. Goodnight."

"Goodnight, ma'am."

I stand up ready to leave when she calls me back.

"Mrs. Gilmore?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you. For coming."

"You're welcome."

Coming back to our bedroom, Richard lies already in bed. I join him and rest my head on his chest. It feels so good to be so close to him, to be in his embrace.

"Emily?" he asks cautiously.

"Yes?"

"You don't have to tell me, if it's too hard…"

"Tell you what?" I ask, though I guess I know what he's referring to.

"How are they? Lorelai and Rory. You mentioned Rory was cute. How exactly?"

I take a deep breath before I start to tell him everything about our beautiful granddaughter. Her looks, her dress, her birthday party and mostly her interest in books and her reading attempts. How smart she is. When it comes to Lorelai my description is way shorter – it's just too hard. Richard senses this, since he doesn't pressure me to tell him more. After I finished he kisses my hair.

"Thank you, dear," he says with a thick voice and I don't even need to look at him to know that he's also crying.

After some time we fall asleep, arms around each other. I'm in the garden, reading _A room with a view. _It's a nice day. I look up and see Rory. She came to me – again. I sit her on my lap and read _Cinderella_ to her. I want her to read the book, to show me what she's learned already. She doesn't answer. I encourage her again. When I look at her I don't see Rory, but Becky. The book falls to the ground. I see Cinderella's stepmother and she has my features. She locks Cinderella into her room. Cinderella has Lorelai's eyes. She runs away from her stepmother. She runs away from me. Suddenly I awake with a jolt.


	18. Sadness

_I'm sorry this one took so long, but somehow I lost inspiration. __Plus I went on vacation. I really hope inspiration will come back. Thanks as always for the reviews – though you were lacking a little as well. I hope you'll like this one._

**Chapter 18: Sadness**

The nightmares are back. The content changed a little, but the overall meaning is the same – me loosing my girl(s). I try to put on a smiling face in front of Richard, but I know he sees through it. I try to flee from my depressing mood in going shopping. It doesn't help that the girls of my friends are college girls now and - spending much less time with her mothers because of being away during the week - accompany them to the mall when they visit at the weekend. It hurts every time. To see how they get along. How their mothers buy nice clothes for them. How they laugh together, eat ice-cream, just everything. Every single thing they're doing mocks me, reminding me of what I've lost – no, to be honest of what I've never had. Not that they rub it in my face. They avoid talking about Lorelai – at least my real friends, of course there are always some bitches who fake to have forgotten about Lorelai not going to college, but mostly they're nice. Though I see the pity in their eyes. And I hate it. Sometimes even more than the fake smiling bitches. Little Becky is my only joy. Even though I know it's not her I want – not really. But she's so cute, that she makes me forget for a while.

"Alicia, don't sit down there. You'll get your dress dirty," I hear a young mother say to her six-year-old daughter. The little girl wears a fluffy white dress and has chocolate ice-cream in her hands. I look at the place she wanted to sit down and see there's some dirt on it.

"But I want to sit next to you, Mommy," the little girl replies, looking up to her mother.

* * *

"_Lorelai, sit down," I say for the third time to my daughter. She wears her new dress and wanted to eat ice-cream. I shouldn't__ have bought her some she just doesn't know how to handle it. _

"_Mom –"_

"_Lorelai, you don't eat that while running around. You'll get yourself dirty. Now for the last time, sit down next to me and eat your ice-cream," I say annoyed._

"_But I don't want to sit down next to you," she exclaims, and I look around shocked. Why must she be so loud?_

"_Lorelai!" I hiss._

"_I want to see where the music comes from, Mom. Please," she pleads._

"_You can look at that later. But you won't go running around with ice-cream in your hands."_

"_But later it might be gone. I won't get myself dirty, please Mom. Let me go," she begs. Oh yes, you'll get yourself dirty._

"_You have the choice Lorelai. Either you give me your ice-cream and you can go look after the music, or you'll sit down, eat your ice-cream and we can take a look at it on our way out," I suggest._

"_It might be gone by then," my daughter objects._

"_What is so important about it anyways?" I ask annoyed._

"_I want to see it," she simply states, as if that would explain everything._

"_Then give me your ice-cream. And now stop this theatre," I say threateningly._

_Suddenly Lorelai throws her ice at my feet. My new shoes are ruined. _

"_There. And now I'll go look after the music!" she exclaims._

"_You will do no such thing, Missy," I hiss, grabbing her by the arm. "We'll leave," I state, dragging her behind me, shopping bags in the other hand, ice still on my shoes._

"_You're hurting me," she whines._

"_Too bad,__" I say mercilessly, continuing to tug her to the car._

_Arriving at home I__ send her to her room. At dinner time I go upstairs, knock and enter her room. We stare at each other._

"_Do you have anything to say to me?" I ask her._

"_No,__" she shoots back._

"_Then goodnight, Lorelai," I say, empty her drawer with sweets and turn around to have dinner downstairs – alone. _

"_But I'm hungry," she protests._

_"And I'm angry," I counter. "I guess neither will change tonight." With that I'm leaving her room. _

"_I hate you!" she shouts after me._

_For a moment I stop in my tracks a cold shiver running down my back. __I hate you__. It only took her seven years to say. Since she doesn't say anything further – why should she – I just leave the room, the words haunting me._

_The next morning, we barely talk to each other. After school she asks me to go playing with her friend Anne. "Do__n't you have anything to say to me?" I ask her again._

"_I want to go playing with Anne. Finally the sun is shining," she replies stubbornly._

"_Go to your room Lorelai."_

"_So if I apologize, you'd let me go playing?" she asks._

"_So you'd only apologize, because you want to go playing? Not because you think you misbehaved yesterday?" I ask her back._

_She looks down. "I'm sorry. I just wanted to see where the music was coming from. I thought maybe it would be a clown."_

"_That's not the point Lorelai. I even gave you the choice. You could've just given me your ice – the one you wanted so badly a minute earlier - and everything would've been fine. You were disrespectful and very off-hand. You should be ashamed of yourself for behaving that way."_

"_Are the shoes damaged?" she asks out of the blue, as if she hasn't heard me._

"_Yes. I already threw them away,__" I answer._

"_I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ruin them," she admits and sounds at least a little sincere._

"_But you did,__" I counter inexorable._

"_It won't happen again,__" she promises._

"_I hope so." Silence. My daughter looks down. I know she only apologized because she knew she had to sooner or later. Because she wants to go playing. "Look at me, Lorelai," I demand and she slowly looks up._

"_Are you really sorry? Do you acknowledge that your behaviour was rude? Can I be sure never to be witness of such a scene again?" I ask her sternly._

_She nods after every one of my questions. "Yes, ma'am."_

"_Do you have anything else you want to say?"_

_She looks at me confused. "I'll be home for dinner," she says after a while._

_I nod. "Nothing else? Nothing you want to take back?" I prod, trying to give her a hint. She looks even more confused. I'm sure she doesn't even remember._

"_What do you want me to take back?" she says, making clear she only wants to go outside._

"_It doesn't matter. Go," I dismiss her._

"_Does that mean I'm allowed to go playing – until dinner?" she asks insecure, which surprises me a little. Usually she'd be faster outside than I could tell her to put on her jacket. _

"_Yes."_

"_No more punishment?" she asks again, looking hopefully at me. Maybe our fight got more to her than I thought. Maybe she does remember what she said after all._

"_No TV for a week,__" I state. _

"_Mom –"_

"_What? You said yourself, finally the sun is shining. So go outside and play. That's what you want right? You ruined my shoes Lorelai. My new shoes. You caused a scene in the mall. I think one week without TV is rather too less than too much."_

"_Yes, Mom," she says, looking down again._

"_Now go playing – and don't forget your jacket," I call after her. _

_I'm sure she doesn't remember. She doesn't remember how much those three words hurt me. How much they still sting in my head. She's just a child. She was upset. But as much as I try to talk myself into her not meaning it, I can't forget._

* * *

I still haven't forgotten. It wasn't the last time she said them to me. And if we'll ever have more contact again, I'm sure I still haven't heard them for the last time.

It's close to Thanksgiving. I told Lilly to get some groceries, while I watch Becky. Suddenly I remember that I forgot to tell her to go to the dry cleaner to pick up Richard's suit for this evening. At first I wait for her to return, but she really needs long this time. She should've made it back and forth to the store twice by now. The clock moves forward and forward and I fear if she's not returning soon, I'll have to go, if I want Richard to wear this suit tonight – to the "DAR Thanksgiving ball" as we call it. It's held every year around this time, to collect money for the less fortunate – mostly children. To make sure they at least have a decent meal on Thanksgiving. And I want Richard to wear this suit – it fits perfectly to my new dress. Finally I resign, pick up Becky and head to the dry cleaner myself. When I pass the bus station I see Lilly exiting the bus – the one who came from Stars Hollow. I can't believe it. I'm so shocked I nearly would've hit another car. I apply the brakes and Becky starts to cry because of the sudden jolt. I try to find soothing words and a comforting tone, but it's hard to manage while I'm boiling with rage inside. How could she? Didn't I make it clear, that she shouldn't do such things behind my back? Does she really think she's helping? I quickly pick up the suit and head back home.

"Lilly?" I shout out for her as soon as I opened the door. "Lilly!" I yell again.

"Yes, Mrs. Gilmore?" she asks, coming from the kitchen and taking Becky from my arms.

"Where were you?" I demand.

"I picked up some groceries – as you told me to do," she replies.

"Oh please. Do you really want to tell me you picked up groceries for over two hours?" Don't think I'm that stupid.

"They ran out of some of them. I had to hit another store," she lies. I'm sure she is.

"They ran out of what?" I ask. Two can play this game.

"Bananas," she answers, and I can't believe she's lying to my face.

"So if I'd go to the store now, I wouldn't find any bananas, is it that what you're telling me?" Ridiculous game. I should just confront her.

"The store is closed now. You wouldn't find anything," she replies cheekily.

"Don't you dare to take that attitude with me. And now stop lying. Where were you? And I swear to god, if you lie again, you'll regret it – bitterly," I exclaim.

She looks down.

"Answer me," I bellow, and she flinches. "You visited Lorelai. Isn't that right? Isn't that right, Lilly?"

„Yes," she mumbles.

„Yes, what? I can't hear you," I shout in the same way my teacher always did.

"Yes, ma'am."

"I can't believe it. I can't believe you went behind my back again. After I specifically told you not to. How could -"

"You didn't tell me."

"Don't interrupt me. Did or didn't I make it clear that I didn't approve of you going to Lorelai behind my back?" I ask her threateningly.

"You made it clear," she says meekly.

"That's right, I made it clear. I always thought you'd be a smart girl and not some fool for whom I've to spell out everything, but maybe I was wrong. And stop contradicting me," I say, still loudly. I'm talking myself into a rage. "And the worst is that you lied to me. Right to my face. I can't even begin to tell you how upset I am right now. Go to your room," I command.

"But –"

"Lilly, this isn't the time for 'but'. Why are you so unmanageable today? I told you to go upstairs. Get out of my eyes I don't want to see you again today."

She still doesn't move.

"What?" I shout again and Becky starts to cry. Immediately guilt is flashing through me.

"I have to serve dinner," she whispers.

"Oh, you have to? You think I'm incapable of setting the table? I tell you what – I'm not. And if I were you I wouldn't aggravate me any further."

Finally she turns around and flees upstairs – a crying Becky on her arms. Somehow I feel better after venting my anger, but I admit that I came close to losing my temper. I can't remember the last time I was shouting like that. I'm sure it was during a fight with Lorelai. The only one I feel for is Becky.

When I go upstairs to change after dinner, I see Lilly coming out of her room. I can't believe it. Obviously neither can she, since she turns around immediately when she spots me on the stairs. For a second I consider going after her, to give her a piece of my mind – again – but I let it slide. I need to be in a better mood for the event. When I'm all dressed up, I leave my bedroom to remind Richard to go change as well. I still have to do my hair and make-up though. I nearly run into Lilly. She looks at me, scared and curtseys.

"Becky is crying and I can't calm her. I left her pacifier in the kitchen. I just want to get it, nothing more. I'm sorry," she explains herself quickly, looking at my shoes all the time.

"You always should have one up in your room," I reply coldly.

"Yes, ma'am. May I – "

But I don't want to talk to her, so I just go into the opposite direction. I hear that she's going downstairs. I hear that Becky really is crying. I feel guilty again. I go inside, pick her up, trying to soothe her. She gets a little calmer, but doesn't calm down completely. When Lilly appears again I hand her her daughter and leave.


	19. Fear

_Some inspiration came back – so here's the next chapter__ already. Thanks for your reviews. Though I have to say that this new function where you get a mail, when someone adds your story to his/her faves is a little frustrating. You sit there all happy to read a review and then only that note. Is it asked too much to tell me why it's one of your faves, when you even go through the process of adding it? I guess so. A pity. Anyway I hope you enjoy the next chapter._

**Chapter 19:**** Fear**

I couldn't really enjoy the ball. I have to think about my outburst constantly. Lorelai will think I send her. Though I didn't even know what Lilly did there. I didn't even give her time to explain herself. But then, what is there to explain? She went to Lorelai behind my back – again. Despite me telling her she shouldn't.

"Emily!" Richard says, grabbing my arm, turning me towards him.

"What?" I say, more annoyed than I intended.

"What's wrong with you?" he asks.

"Nothing," I reply, trying to walk away, but he doesn't let me. "Richard!"

"Emily, you don't have to win any race here – at least I don't see any other ladies exiting the ball on their way to their cars, running like Tiffany's has a sale on the parking lot."

"Not funny," I state.

"Emily," he says soothingly. "It's not _nothing_. You didn't even hear my question, did you?"

Crap. I didn't. I haven't the slightest idea what he's talking about. And I guess there's no way to get out of this one. "I'm sorry," I say, breathing out, trying to calm down. "Please ask me again – I'm all ears now."

"It wasn't that important," he dismisses it.

"Ha, so this was a trick question," I say, turning away from him. I'm not in the mood for such games.

"No it wasn't. It's just that right now I'm more interested in getting to know what put my wife – my beautiful wife who loves events like these – into such a bad mood that she couldn't enjoy herself for the whole evening."

"I'm sorry, Richard. It will be better next time," I promise, while at the same time avoiding his initial question.

"Why can't you tell me, Emily? It's something about Lilly, isn't it? She wasn't there during dinner. What happened?" I sigh and look around to see if we're really alone. The parking lot doesn't seem to be a good place to talk. He seems to sense this. "What about a walk in the moonlight – during the park?" he suggests. "That is if you don't run away from me", he adds chuckling and I can't help to smile a little. I don't know how he does it, but he always can make me smile.

"All right," I agree. "I promise I'll walk slowly enough for you to follow me without getting out of breath," I reply.

"Well, that's nice to hear," he says, laying his arm around my shoulder and leading me to the park. I'm thinking of a way to tell him. "So?" he encourages me after a while.

"So…," I start, and tell him about Lilly and her store lie, about her going to Stars Hollow again – behind my back, about me flipping out and banishing her to her room.

"Well, that's something," he comments.

"Yes. I mean I don't even know what she did there, or what Lorelai said. Though I can imagine both," I add bitterly.

"You should ask her."

"I know," I say quietly. "I overreacted, didn't I?"

"Well… "

"I know, I did," I state, sighing again.

„But she was wrong as well, Emmy. She knew you didn't want her to do this, she knew she went against your wishes –"

"And I didn't even care that Becky was on her arm, hearing me yelling," I mumble.

"Talk to her tomorrow," Richard says again, kissing my temple. "I'm sure everything will be all right," he tries to comfort me.

"I guess so," I answer, not really convinced and lean my head onto his shoulder. The air is clear; the stars are twinkling above us. Under different circumstances this would be the perfect night.

"We should do this more often – a walk in the moonlight," he says.

"Yes, we should," I agree. He stops and bends down to kiss me. I respond.

We're getting nearer to the ball again. They're playing a waltz a right now. "Mrs. Gilmore, I think you owe me," Richard suddenly says.

"Owe you what?" I ask, raising my brows.

"A waltz – a waltz, you're able to enjoy, because you're not thinking about the unpleasant things, like you did all evening."

He got me. I'm looking down guiltily. „I'm sorry," I mumble again.

"Don't be sorry, waltz," he says, and starts to dance with me. "Relax, Emily," he whispers in my ear. And after a while I'm able to. I'm able to forget everything around me. I only see his outline, his eyes in the darkness which surrounds us. I'm dancing in circles, round and round. When the waltz stops Richard steadies me and kisses my hand. "Thank you for this dance, Madam," he says. "My pleasure, Sir," I reply and curtsey. We kiss again.

* * *

Coming home the house is quiet. So Becky finally calmed down. Going into our bedroom I see a note on my pillow. Fear is creeping into me. Flashbacks to another note are entering my head. _Dear Emily and Richard _it started. Telling me that my only daughter left, taking my only grandchild with her. What if Lilly left? I clearly overreacted. How could I not even hear her out? I'm not able to open it. I look at Richard and he can see my fear. I'm literally shaking. What if Becky hasn't stopped crying? What if she simply isn't here anymore? "I can't," I whisper, and Richard rips it open.

"She's still here," he says and relief is flashing through me. With trembling hands I take the note from him.

_Dear Mrs. Gilmore,_

_I really only wanted to get the pacifier. Also the time before, when you saw me coming upstairs. Otherwise I wouldn't have left my room. I understand that you didn't want to see me. __I'm sorry about lying to you. It was stupid. I never should've done so. I apologize. __I know you're mad that I went to Lorelai again. I know you didn't want me to do so. You have every right to be angry. Still I felt I had to do it. Please believe me that I didn't do this to hurt you. I'm sorry, if I did. If you still don't want to see me tomorrow, let me know. Just write it on a note and stick it through my door, then I won't leave the room (well maybe shortly to get something to eat for Becky and me, but other than that, you don't have to see me). _

_Please don't be mad, _

_Lilly_

_P.S.: I'm sorry, I ruined your evening. I know you were looking forward to it._

"I told you everything will be all right," Richard says, kissing my hair. I'm not replying. I'm still too shocked from the thought that maybe she would've left me as well. "Talk to her tomorrow, Emmy. Talk to her and everything will be all right. She seems to be sorry," he says. Finally I snap out of my daze.

"Well, yes, about the lying sure. About going to Stars Hollow…"

"Talk to her," he says again. Yes, but how to start that talk?

* * *

The next morning she serves us breakfast rather timidly – she eats in the kitchen. She only comes out for as long as she has to, avoiding eye contact with me. Pouring us coffee I see she's slightly shaking. By now I hate myself for yelling at her.

"The table looks beautiful, thank you, Lilly," Richard says, and we both look at him gratefully.

"You're welcome, Sir," she replies. She still doesn't look at me. Richard excuses himself because of a phone conference. After clearing the table Lilly finally turns towards me.

"Is there anything else you want me to do? If not I'll go upstairs. I wasn't sure if you wanted me downstairs…"

"I think we should talk, Lilly. I got your note. Thank you. And I want to see you. Please sit down," I say motioning to the chair right of me. She sits down. "I was upset yesterday. Too upset," I admit. "I just couldn't believe you would go there without my knowledge again and then lying to me on top of it," I defend my behaviour, and she looks down – ashamed. "Still, I overreacted. I'm sorry. Especially that Becky witnessed it. I didn't mean to upset her," I apologize, and Lilly glances briefly at me, nodding. "I never gave you the chance to explain yourself. But I'd like to know now. Why did you go to Lorelai and what did she say?" I ask her. Finally she looks up at me.

"I felt responsible for what happened. I thought if I'd only talk to her, telling her how much of a difference there is between you and my mother – cause I think she really thought about my comment about mother when she left – that maybe she would come around and come here again. And you could get another chance to talk and to listen to each other. I know I shouldn't have done it behind your back, but I was afraid you'd forbid me to go to her," she answers.

"Well, I would have," I say.

"Lying to you was wrong. I'm sorry, I did. And I really wanted to stay in my room. I didn't mean to aggravate you any further."

"I know. You already wrote that in your note. That's behind us," I dismiss her. "But what did Lorelai say?" I ask, afraid of the answer.

„She said that she came to you. Now it would be your turn. I'm sorry. She won't come. But I think if you could decide to go to her, she'd listen. I hope. But she won't come again," she replies resigning. I nod.

"Did you see Rory?"

"Oh yes, she immediately asked about Becky," Lilly laughs. Becky. Not me. I stand up and go over to the window, while smoothing some fake wrinkles out of my black skirt. Lilly seems to get it now too, since she mumbles "I'm sorry. I didn't see her for long. I'm sure she would've – "

"It's okay," I manage to stop her pitying. I can't stand it.

"Are you still mad at me?" Lilly asks. I take a deep breath and turn around.

"No. But disappointed. You know I don't want you to get involved into this," I say.

"But why not? Is it worse now than it was before?" she asks.

Is it worse now? That's a good question. I saw Lorelai again and Rory. I had a nice moment with Rory. These are definitely plus points. But then I had to go through the pain of Lorelai leaving again. That's a minus. I'm not sure how often I'm able to bear such scenes. The hope and joy that she came only to be followed by her leaving me again. But is it worse? Lilly is still waiting for my answer. "I don't know," I admit.

"And why is it so bad I went there yesterday? She either would've come here again or she wouldn't have listened to me. Would I've had a better plan, you wouldn't have known about it," she says, and I raise my brows. She blushes and looks down.

„I saw you exiting the bus," I say.

"Oh."

„Does that mean you wouldn't have told me about your meeting?" I ask.

"The way it went now, yes I would have told you. In a way I think she expects me to tell you that it's your turn and I think that she's even waiting for you to come. I believe that she wants a better relationship with you," she says.

"How can you say that?" I want to know.

"She doesn't behave like someone who doesn't give a damn about her parents," she says, and I look at her expectantly. "It's hard to explain, but the way she looked. There was a sadness, that wouldn't be there, if she didn't care at all about you," she explains.

"So she's waiting for me…" I mumble, looking into space. After a while I realize that Lilly is still in the room as well. "Maybe it wasn't that bad that you went there," I admit, and she starts to smile. "Maybe," I emphasize again.

"So we're good?" Lilly asks shyly.

"Yes, we are," I reply relieved. Just when she's about to get something from the kitchen I call her back. "Did I scare you yesterday?" I ask her.

"Yes," she admits. "I never heard you yelling like that before. I was sure you wouldn't be too fond of me going there at first, but that you would be that upset … I wasn't sure what you'd do…" she says quietly.

"What do you mean?" I demand.

"It's stupid," she dismisses it.

"Please tell me," I say softly.

"I don't know. I thought maybe you would lose your temper and beat me or throw me out, something like that. I told you it's stupid," she finishes blushing.

"I'm sorry I made you feel that way. I would never do any of these things," I say.

"I know," she says, and we share a look. I think she believes me.

"You scared me as well, you know?" I say.

"Huh?"

"When I saw your note, I was afraid that you'd left. Lorelai left a note back then – though not on my pillow – still for a moment, I thought that I reacted so badly you would've gone away," I say, asking myself why I'm being so open to her.

"I'd never leave without telling you face to face. That's the least you deserve after everything you've done for me and Becky. You don't have to worry about this," she assures me.

"Thank you," I say, noticing that this time it's me thanking her. Maybe I told her to hear exactly this answer.


	20. Bedroom talk

_I never thought this would become such a long story. __Chapter 20 already. Thanks for all the reviews. Enjoy it!_

**Chapter 20: Bedroom talk**

She's waiting for me. Lilly's words are stuck in my head. Lorelai is waiting for me to come. Somehow she's right. She came to me, now it's my turn. But on the other hand, she was the one who left, so she should be the one coming to me. But I know my daughter, she's stubborn, and I know that if I want to have any kind of contact to her or my granddaughter then I have to go to her. Still it's hard for me to make this step.

Lilly and I get along fine the last days. No more yelling, no more lying – just respectful and polite interaction. Lilly doesn't bring up Lorelai again and I'm grateful for that.

"Richard?" I say quietly, hoping he isn't asleep already.

"Hmm," he growls.

"Did I wake you?" I whisper contritely.

"Hmm."

"Sorry." Silence.

"What is it Emily?" he asks sleepily.

"Nothing. Go back to sleep. I'm sorry I woke you up," I say.

"Well, you did, and since I'm awake now I want to know what made you do it," he says putting his arm around me to pull me closer. "What's going on in the mind of my wife?" he asks, kissing my hair.

"Lorelai," I admit quietly, and I hear him exhaling a sigh. "I told you to go back to sleep," I say, turning in his arms to give him a light kiss on the cheek. I try to roll over to my site again, but he stops me.

"And what is it this time?" he inquires further.

"Lilly says she's waiting for me to come. Maybe she's right. I can imagine Lorelai thinking this way. I just don't know what to do. I mean even if I want to go over there, what should I say, how should I react?"

"Well, that's a difficult topic," he answers, sighing again. "Especially for this time of the day or - may I say - night."

"I told you I'm sorry. Just go back to sleep," I reply, but instead he switches on the light.

"No. It's on your mind and you need answers. I just need to be awake for this. However I'm not sure if I'll be of much help, even when I'm awake," he adds. I smile at him gratefully. He really looks dozily. "So Lorelai is waiting for you to come?" he repeats me.

"That's what Lilly says she said. Lorelai came here the last time, now it would be my turn," I explain her logic.

"Makes sense," he agrees.

"But then Lorelai is the one who left – shouldn't she be the one coming to me then?"

"Makes also sense."

"Richard!"

"What? Both make sense, it's just the point of view which varies. But if you both persist on your point of view nothing will change. And since right now you're the one who wants to see her – that's right you do want to see her, don't you?"

"I guess. I always want to see her," I mumble.

" – then you should be the one changing to her point of view, meaning fact is you should go to her," he concludes.

"Well, that was the minor point. The major point is what do I do when I'm there?"

He sighs again. "What do you want?"

"What do you mean?" I ask him confused.

"What do you want to achieve with this meeting?" he asks.

What do I want to achieve? I have to think about this. "Well … I want us to talk again – not to fight. To get in some kind of contact with her. To be able to talk without fighting. Maybe seeing her on a regular basis or at least Rory. Well – in the end I'd want her to come home, but I know that will never happen. So - a peaceful meeting, that's what I want," I finish.

"Then you should tell her that," he says.

"Like I told you? Never."

"But tell her you want to talk. And if she doesn't have time now, that you'll come back later." Yes, that's good. "And then you have to think about what you want to tell her. If you want to say something about your last fight or if you want to ignore it. Or if you want to ask her to see Rory regularly."

I don't think I could do that – I'm too afraid that she'd say no. "I think I want to tell her that I didn't replace her. I hope she lets me explain and believes me. And…" I trail off.

"And what?" he asks me after a while.

"I'm sorry I told her to be somewhere else. I never meant to say that. She should know that she's always welcome here. But…"

"Your pride," he states.

"Yes, my damn pride," I mumble. He kisses my temple. "I don't think I could tell her that."

"Well, maybe just that she's always welcome here," he suggests. I really love him. No reproaches at all. I nod.

"Thank you," I say, kissing him gently. "I just hope that we won't get into a fight again," I whisper. He squeezes my shoulder. "You don't think you could come with me?" I whisper even more.

"Do you think that's wise? Then it would be two against one. She could feel threatened." I sigh. "Don't get me wrong, if you really want it, then I'll come I just think that she won't view it as me supporting you, but maybe the two of us, wanting something bad from her. She always expects the worst from us," he says sadly.

"I know. But you could hold me back before I say something stupid again."

"I'm not so sure about that," he chuckles. "You can be very fast and unpredictable." I look remorsefully at him. "I'm sure you can handle it Emily. Just think about what you want to tell her and don't let her provoke you. And when you see it's getting out of hand, then excuse yourself and go. Or suggest a break or whatever." I nod again. Still I'm not convinced. I'd feel so much better with him at my side. "If you really want it though, I'll come with you. It's your decision," he offers.

I look into his eyes. His loving eyes. I bite my lower lip, thinking about his words. "I think you're right," I whisper after some time. "She would view it as two against one. It's better I go alone. I just hope that I can control my temper – and she as well," I say.

"I'm sure you will," he assures me, kissing my hair again. We sit like that for a while. "Ready to sleep?" he asks me.

"Sure," I answer, kissing him again. "I kept you awake for too long, you have a busy day tomorrow," I add guiltily.

"Don't worry about it. I survived with less sleep before," he replies, switching off the light and putting his strong arms around me. I snuggle into his embrace. "Goodnight Emily." Another kiss on my hair.

"Goodnight Richard."

* * *

I'm on my way to the inn. I have the feeling it will go bad. I don't know why. I park my car and go towards the inn. I still can't believe that my daughter is working here. That she prefers this to her home. If only I could convince her to come back. I take the few steps towards the lobby. At the reception I ask for Lorelai. The concierge tells me to wait. I sit down and muster the inn. It's a nice inn, sure, but certainly not a home. Suddenly Rory comes in. She stops when she sees me.

"Rory!" I greet her. She slowly comes towards me.

"Grandma?" she asks astonished.

"Yes. How are you, Sweetie?" I ask her.

"I'm fine," she replies. I notice the book in her hands. _Cinderella_. She really seems to love it when she's carrying it with her.

"Do you want me to read it to you?" I ask her, motioning towards her hands. "Or do you want to read it to me?" I correct myself, winking at her.

"Sure," she replies. I sit her on my lap and slowly she starts reading. I'm so proud of her.

"Mom," Lorelai interrupts us. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to see you," I reply. I guess Rory feels the tense atmosphere since she slips off my lap. I'm disappointed. "I want to talk to you. However if you're busy now, I'll come back later," I say, remembering Richard's words.

"Well, I could be ready in a few minutes. Rory, would you like to show grandma the porch? I'll come when I'm ready," she says. So she doesn't want us to talk in the lobby. Maybe that's wiser. Rory nods and takes my hand. I ask her about her friend Lane and kindergarten and she's very chatty. Suddenly Lorelai is there. I didn't hear her coming.

"So what Mom? What do you want to talk about?" she asks aggressively.

"Is it so weird that I want to have a nice talk with my daughter? Especially since our last one ended badly?" I ask her.

"Yes. I can't remember it happening before," she counters.

"Things change. At least I hope so."

"Sure," she grunts.

I take a deep breath. "Lorelai, please. I didn't replace you. And I didn't send her to you," I start my talk.

"And you want me to believe that? Of course you sent her to me. With that sad story about her mother wanting to abort Becky. How her mother is oh so bad and compared to her you're an angel. How – "

"Stop it Lorelai," I exclaim. I can feel my anger rising. It's worse than I expected.

"Or what? You'll send me to my room? Guess what, that doesn't work here," she shouts back. I take another breath and suddenly my eye catches a teary-eyed Rory.

"We shouldn't fight in front of Rory," I say. I see a guilty look flash across her face.

"Rory, go inside," she says calmer. Rory looks from her to me. "Say goodbye to grandma and go inside, please," Lorelai repeats.

"Will she be gone soon?" she asks.

"Yes," Lorelai answers, before I can say anything.

"Goodbye Grandma," Rory says.

"Goodbye Sweetie," I reply, caressing her hair, while trying very hard to hold back my tears. She goes away. I turn to Lorelai again. "Why can't we talk without fighting? I came here to make peace, but you just have to destroy it, have you?"

"Oh so it's my fault we're fighting? Who told me to go and be somewhere else? And then you follow me. You can't leave me alone, can you? Just leave me alone mother," she cries.

"I knew it would be wrong to come here. I don't know why I believed Lilly. You don't want to have a relationship with me. You hate me. Why don't you admit it again?"

"I hate you," she exclaims.

_I hate you. I hate you._

* * *

"Emily! Emily! Stop screaming. Emily I'm here. Shh. Shh. Emmy." I'm in Richard's arms. "Shh. It will be all right." It must have been a dream. I'm still in our bed. I'm sweating.

"I – Lorelai," I stutter.

"It was just a dream. It will be all right. Calm down," he goes on soothing me, and after a while I'm able to calm down. I tell him about my nightmare, except the ending. I can't repeat her words.

"I'm not sure if I should go there. What if this was a warning? What if it will be like that?"

"No, it won't. She won't attack you that way," he says. How can he be so sure? But thinking rationally I don't think so either. It was just a nightmare. "If you want me to I'll come with you," he offers again.

Should he accompany me? Is it that what the dream wants to tell me? "I'm not sure. I'll have to think about it," I reply.

"I still think you should go alone. And look at it this way – now you know what can go wrong," he says winking. I give him a weak smile in return.

A look at the clock tells me we have to get up in 30 minutes anyway. So we decide not to go back to sleep. He puts his arms around me and caresses my body, talking soothingly to me. How much I love him. He gives me back my strength and takes away my fear – at least almost. I don't know how to thank him for his patience and support tonight. I don't know what I'd done without him. Thank God he isn't away on business. While he's still comforting me I ponder about whether or not I'll go to Lorelai today.


	21. Rory

_Thanks for all the reviews. __They make me smile. This chapter is especially dedicated to __**Ellie**__. Your reviews are the best. You rock! I hope you all will enjoy this one. _

**Chapter 21: ****Rory**

After a lot of thinking, assurance from Richard that I should go and affirmation from Lilly that Lorelai really seemed sad about our situation I decide to go to her – despite my nightmare. And as Richard said, I know what can go wrong now.

"I really hope it will go well. Good luck!" Lilly says to me as I'm heading outside to my car.

"Thank you," I reply. "And you really think – "

"Yes. I think you're doing the right thing," she says. I nod and get into my car.

I'm so nervous I don't even remember how I got here, but now I'm here, in front of the inn. I take a deep breath and exit my car. Inside I turn towards the reception.

"Is Lorelai Gilmore here? I'd like to speak with her," I ask the concierge.

"Yes, she is. She's upstairs cleaning the rooms. She should be finished any minute. Do you want me to get her or do you prefer to wait for her? It really shouldn't take long," the blonde woman assures me.

"I'll wait, thank you," I reply. That gives me some more time to think about what I want to say to her. I wander through the lobby mustering everything. But I can't concentrate on anything. Suddenly I catch her voice. She's coming downstairs, talking to someone.

"… this is really ok with you? If not I'll stay home. I don't have to go – "

"Nonsense. Of course you'll go. You're working so hard, you deserve some fun time. And I'll take care of this little lady, don't you worry," some woman cuts her off.

"I don't. Thank you, Mia. I wouldn't know what to do without you," Lorelai says.

"Am I staying with Mia, when you're at the festival?" Rory asks happily.

"Yes, you are. And we'll have a great time, won't we?" The strange woman called Mia says to my grandchild.

"Yay," Rory says, bouncing into the lobby. "Grandma," she says astonished, stopping in her tracks. She looks cute with her ponytail.

"Hello Sweetie," I say, trying to swallow my jealousy.

"Mom?" Lorelai comes into view and is even more surprised.

"Hello Lorelai," I greet her. It hurts to see her in a maids outfit. That's not what she should be. My eyes go to the other woman – Mia.

"Uh – mom, this is Mia. The owner of the inn. She took me in," she laughs nervously. "And this is my mother – Emily Gilmore," she says to Mia.

"It's nice to finally meet you," Mia says, coming towards me, extending her hand.

"It's nice to meet you, too" I manage to say, shaking her hand shortly.

"What are you doing here, Mom? Did something happen?" Lorelai asks.

"I'd like to have a talk with you. However if now is a bad time, I'll come back later," I say, remembering to give her the choice. At least I knew I'd come, but she didn't have any time to prepare.

While Lorelai is contemplating this, I see Mia resting her hand on Lorelai's arm for a second, sharing a short look with her, before excusing herself. I'm glad she's gone.

"All right. I just need some time to change. Maybe in the meantime Rory can show you around. Rory why don't you get one of your books and show grandma the porch? I'll come there when I'm ready," Lorelai suggests.

I freeze. The porch. Rory and a book. This is turning into my nightmare. Lorelai is about to leave when I call her back. "Please, Lorelai, if you don't mind, I'd rather not see the porch," I croak, hating my voice right now. Lorelai looks puzzled.

"But Mom, the porch is more private than the lobby. Do you want everyone to overhear us?" she asks incredulously.

No I certainly don't want that. "No," I admit. "But I can't have this talk on the porch. I know it sounds insane – "

"It does," she mutters, and I'm getting more desperate with every second.

"Please, Lorelai. I can't explain it. I have my reasons. Not the porch. I'm not trying to get things done my way. You can pick any other place, your room, some place in town, a walk, chose whatever you want, I'll go there, but not – "

"the porch," she concludes. She looks at me, really looks at me and I can't hide my despair. "Okay," she agrees, and I exhale a quiet sigh. She gives me a strange look. "So, Rory, why don't you show grandma around the grounds and the lake," she asks Rory, who nods excitedly. "I'll catch you wherever you are, but make sure not to come by the porch," she says pointedly, but I don't care. It won't become my nightmare.

"Thank you. Thank you Lorelai," I say gratefully. She gives me another strange look.

"Come Grandma, I'll show you my favourite place," Rory says, tugging on my arm.

I follow her. She leads me to the lake. It's a nice place. She shows me a creek, where it's easy to hide because of the high grass, but you're able to get a view of the inn and its surroundings. "This is my fave place, Grandma. But it's kind of a secret, only mom and Mia know about it," she informs me, and I become emotional. While yes it stings that she's so familiar with this Mia-woman, it warms my heart that she so freely shares her secret with me as well. Looking at her I realize she waits for me to say something.

"I won't tell anyone about it," I assure her, taking a conspiratorial voice. She smiles up at me and goes a step further. "And this," she continues, pointing to a stump, "is where I'm sitting at, reading," she says proudly.

"It's a very nice place Rory. I can see why you like it so much. Thank you for showing it to me." She looks up at me smiling again. "I'll tell you another secret. We call this place _Laura's nest_," she whispers.

"Laura's nest?" I repeat, raising my brows. She nods.

"It's because of _Little House on the Prairie. _Laura Ingalls also had her favourite place in front of her house next to their creek," she informs me and I nod knowingly. "And we picked _nest_, because – well it looks like a nest, doesn't it?"

"Yes, it does," I agree.

"But only mom and me know about the name, so don't tell anyone," she instructs me again.

"I promise," I say, fighting to choke up. I can't believe how generously she shares everything with me. The shyness from when she first met me some days ago seems completely gone.

"Do you believe in fairies?" she whispers to me.

"Yes, I do," I whisper back. She lightens up.

"Sometimes they come here as well. But only people who believe in them can see them. Maybe we find one, though usually they come in the twilight," she says looking around. I imitate her. Suddenly she tugs at my skirt. "There," she whispers, pointing ahead of her, "there is Flora. Can you see her?"

"The tiny one with the wings?" I ask her quietly, enjoying her game.

"Yes," she says excitedly. "You really can see her. What dress does she wear?" she asks nonetheless, wanting to be sure I can see her.

"A yellow one," I try, but Rory shakes her head.

"It's red Grandma," she says sadly. "Flora always wears red," she informs me.

"Oh, then I must be seeing another one. Or they're using their special fairy skill on us," I whisper to her.

"Special fairy skill? What's that?" she asks me intrigued.

"But make sure not to tell anyone," I warn her.

"Not even mom?" she asks hesitantly.

"Well maybe her, but no one else," I say. Rory nods.

"Fairies have the skill to change their appearance for different viewers. It's like they wear what you want them to wear."

"So you wanted her to wear yellow?" Rory asks seriously.

"Well, it seems so. It happens subconsciously."

"Subconsc - ?" she looks questioning at me.

"Subconsciously. That means it happens without your notice. You do something without realizing that's what you're doing," she still looks confused. I try to think of an example. "A little like breathing. You do it, but you don't really think about it anymore. So the fairies can sense what we want to see her in. For me that must've been yellow." I finish.

She nods slowly. "It's true, now it's yellow," she exclaims suddenly. "I thought of yellow and now Flora wears yellow."

"See?" I smile, not pointing out that it isn't subconsciously then.

"I really like playing with you," Rory says. My heart is melting.

"Me too," I say, squeezing her tiny hand.

We go a little further along the lake, towards a bridge, which leads to the town, as she tells me. "Rory, I don't think we should go there, your mother will probably be ready any minute. We should go back."

"But she said to show you around and that she'd find us wherever," Rory winks. "Let's hide," she giggles. It's hard for me to deny her, but I don't want to aggravate Lorelai.

"Maybe at a later time. I need to talk to your mother and I don't want her to be mad at us. She also only mentioned the lake and the grounds – not the town. Please let's go back," I say to her.

She immediately agrees, not discussing it any further. Lorelai never would've done so. On our way back she tells me about kindergarten, the town and everything that's on her mind. I enjoy being alone with her. Only for these few minutes it was worth coming here. I can't remember the last time I was alone with her. Probably some night where I carried her around, trying to get her to sleep and to disburden Lorelai who of course refused a nanny. When we're half-way back towards the inn, I spot Lorelai coming towards us. I arm myself for what's to come and listen only half-heartedly to Rory's story about how Lorelai wanted to cook a simple dinner and failed. She giggles and seems unaware of my tensing up.

"There's mom," she suddenly exclaims. I think she'll run to her any minute, but I'm wrong. She's happily bouncing beside me.

"So here I am," Lorelai greets me, and I nod. "Did you show grandma around?" she asks Rory.

"Yes, I did," she replies.

"She was the perfect guide," I say, and Rory beams at me.

"I even showed her _Laura's nest_," she winks at her. Looking closely I can see surprise flicker across Lorelai's face, but she doesn't say anything.

"It's a very nice place," I say again.

"And she can see fairies," Rory exclaims excitedly. "She even knows about special fairy skills," she continues, looking up at me a little guiltily.

"You can tell her about that later," I assure her. Rory looks relieved.

"Do you want to talk to mom now?" she asks me.

"If your mom's ready, then yes I'd like to do that now," I reply, looking at Lorelai.

"I'm ready. Question is if this place meets your standards," she says sarcastically, but I ignore it and turn to Rory.

"Will you please give us some private time Rory? I want to talk to your mother alone," I say. I'm surprised to see that she looks timidly from me to Lorelai.

"Haven't you heard your grandmother?" Lorelai asks. "Please go to the inn and give us some time." She still doesn't move, but is close to tear up. "What is it Rory?" Lorelai asks her softly.

"Will you yell at each other?" she whispers. Poor thing. She's scared we'll fight again. Though I have to say, her fear has a reason, since I'm scared myself. But looking at her right now is heartbreaking. I hate that we did this to her. Another reason, why this meeting has to go over well.

"Why do you think we'll do that?" Lorelai asks her.

"Because you did it the last time. When I left you started fighting. I shouldn't have left," she mumbles. Lorelai kneels down, before I can do anything. She hugs her.

"It's not your fault, honey," she soothes her.

"Your mother is right," I chime in, caressing her hair. "It's not your fault. And I didn't come here to fight, quite the opposite, so don't you worry," I calm her concerns. If only I'd believe fully in this. I hate that she got to witness all of this. That she feels guilty. That we burden her with our incompetence to talk to each other. A four-year-old. I wonder if Lorelai feels the same way.

"So you won't yell at grandma?" she asks Lorelai. Lorelai looks up at me.

"I won't yell at her. I promise," she says to Rory.

"And I won't yell at your mother," I promise to Rory. If I'm not imagining things, Lorelai shoots me a grateful and relieved look.

"And now go," Lorelai says to Rory, standing up again. But she's still hesitating.

"Will I see you again before you leave?" she asks me. I wonder if she doesn't believe us.

"Yes, you will," I say. "I'll come to say goodbye," I assure her. This seems to allay her, since she finally turns around to leave us alone. So she remembers as well, that we didn't have time to say goodbye the last time. We really have to be more considerate of her.

"See you later," she shouts back.

"But you'll go to the inn – not _Laura's nest_," Lorelai shouts after her. "I know you can witness everything from there."

"Yes, Mom," she shouts back, and disappears.

Now it's the two of us. The moment I dreaded. We turn to each other, both not sure of what to say. Whether to comment Rory's fear or not. I take a deep breath, praying that this will go over well.


	22. The walk

_Okay __**non-reviewers:**__ You know what is even more frustrating than getting an email telling me my story got added as fave story by someone, without a review? Getting two emails from the same account, telling me I got fave author on top of it – yet no review. Sad. _

_**Reviewers**__: Thanks for your reviews. I'm glad you liked Emily/Rory. _

_And though while I appreciate your enthusiasm, 3 reviews for 1 chapter, mainly telling me to update, is a bit much, don't you think? It's not speeding up the process, just in case you thought it would, I have to disappoint you on this. Sorry. If you still think it does, because I am updating fairly quickly now, I have to tell you it's because I have vacation. And this chapter is a special birthday treat for __**Alise**__. Happy birthday!_

_Now here's the chapter you all have – more or less patiently – been waiting for so long. It was very difficult to write, hence all the "obstacles" that came up before – anything to prolong writing this chapter, lol. I hope it will fulfil your expectations. Enjoy!_

**Chapter 22:**** The walk**

We're both looking at the lake.

"So – no yelling," I say, cursing myself for such a stupid start.

"Do you think I lie to my daughter?" Lorelai says pointedly.

"Lorelai," I sigh sadly.

"Sorry," she mutters. "So, is it ok with you to walk along the lake?" she asks me. I look at her to check whether she's making fun of me again, but she seems sincere. I really hope it stays that way and that she too is making an effort.

"Yes, it is. Thanks again for agreeing to talk to me here," I say.

"No problem," she says. We walk a little more. We're running out of small talk and well, partly that's good, since I want to come to the point, yet I fear it.

"Please promise to hear me out, will you?" I ask Lorelai. She nods. I take a breath. „You have not been replaced Lorelai. I never could do this. Your room is still your room. You're welcome there anytime. When I was at the mall I saw Lilly sitting in front of a store, very pregnant. I admit that she caught my attention because she looks so similar to you. I thought what if she had been you. If you'd run away earlier," I say, but it's hard for me to talk about it. I make a little break, but she doesn't say anything, feeling that I'm not finished yet. I decide to give her the short version. "After some talk with her and thinking about that she couldn't possibly give birth in the mall I took her with me. Of course we had our difficulties," a snort escapes Lorelai, which I ignore, "but she's grateful to have a place for her baby and herself," I continue. Here Lorelai shoots me a look. I hope she isn't offended. I quickly go on. „Well she gave birth and we couldn't send a young mother with her baby back on the streets. I tried to reconcile her with her mother, but failed."

"Is it – sorry," she says, remembering not to interrupt me.

"It's okay. What do you want to know?" I encourage her.

„Is it true, her mother wanted her to abort?" Lorelai asks me.

"I'm afraid so," I say. Lorelai nods slowly, looking down again. But I don't want to be in comparison to this bitch so I go on. "Anyway, it was clear she couldn't go back home so it got more and more permanent. She doesn't want favours, so she convinced me to work for me. I was against this."

"Fearing, you'd fire her, right?" she grins.

"Yes. But she wanted it so badly and well it works fairly well – to my own surprise, I may add. Though she doesn't cook or anything, just some light work around the house. After all she still has Becky to take care of." I fight with myself whether or not to tell Lorelai about Becky, but I want to be honest. I want her to believe me, so I have to be honest. "Lilly asked me to be godmother to Becky and I agreed," I say, and I hear Lorelai taking in a sharp breath. "But that doesn't mean that Rory isn't important to me or that you and Rory aren't my family anymore. I never wanted you to go. There may be similarities between you two, but she's not you, and I can separate that. Both your father and Lilly accused me of this as well, but it's not true. And they agree with me now. Lilly will never be my daughter. I only have one daughter – you." I finish, proud of myself that I was able to tell her this. It's no _I love you_, but close.

"Otherwise you wouldn't get along so well, wouldn't you?" she jokes.

"Does everything have to be a joke?" I ask her quietly.

"Sorry," she says. She's quiet now. I know joking is her way to handle things when she's unsure, still it hurts, when this is the first thing she says, after I opened up to her. "All right, she's not me, I get it, but can you understand how it must feel for me, seeing you with them? Isn't it understandable I think you've replaced us?"

"Yes, I think I know exactly how you feel," I say. She looks at me puzzled. "Don't be a hypocrite, Lorelai. You replaced me first. You left me and turned to some other woman, who's doing the things I should do," I say bitterly.

"That's right. She's doing the things you should do; the problem is you never did those things. You didn't encourage me to go on with my life. You wouldn't tell me to go to the festival, while you'd take care of Rory. You wouldn't let me provide for myself. Furnishing the room the way I want it. Raising Rory the way I want it – "

"You were so young. I only wanted what's best for you. I just wanted to give you some advice – "

"No mother. You didn't give advice. You gave commands – "

„That's ridiculous," I say.

"It's not. If someone would've come to us, wanting to speak to me, you would've told me to go speak with him. Did you notice what Mia did?" she asks me. Yes I do remember that scene. "For the record, Mia isn't against you. She did encourage me to go to you. So when you came now, I knew that she wanted me to talk to you. To give you a chance. But she just touched my arm lightly, looked at me, thus letting me know her opinion, but then she left. It was up for me to decide. And had I said no to all of this, she wouldn't tell me every day how wrong my decision was. Maybe once subtly, but that would be it. She treats me as an adult. You never did," she finishes. While she got louder she isn't yelling.

"Because you are my child," I state.

"This is your excuse?" Lorelai asks.

"It's an explanation. I've known you since you were a baby, even before. Obviously it's harder for me to treat you as an adult, since I only know you as a child. I see that with Lilly now. I didn't know her as a little girl, so all I see is the teenager. With you I still see the little girl."

"And that gives you the right to constantly treat me as one?"

"You're living on your own for three years now, I wouldn't call that treating you as a child," I reply.

"But whenever we meet, you do it."

„You mean the rare occasions when you grace me with your presence?" I ask pointedly.

"Mom – "

I sigh. "So this is the problem here? Me treating you as a child?" I ask.

"I don't know. Partly I guess."

We're quiet again. We're way past the bridge, some more time and we circled the lake.

"And now?" Lorelai asks after a while.

"I don't know," I say, stopping and turning towards her. "Do you believe that you have not been replaced? I heard what Lilly told you and it's true. She's not allowed in your room, no one has your place at the table… "

"I guess so," she mumbles looking down, but I wait until she looks up at me. "Yes, I believe it. And that's it? That's why you came here?"

„That was a big point, yes. I wanted to have a talk with you, a peaceful talk. I wasn't even sure if we'd be able to do such a thing, but I'd say until now it went fairly well, didn't it?" I ask her.

"I think so. So you came here to tell me that I have not been replaced," she repeats, as if she's contemplating this.

"Yes. It's important to me that you know… " I stop. I'd like to tell her that she's loved, that I'm sorry about what I said, maybe even that she thinks I was so commanding back then, which I'm still not sure of, but I can't.

"It's important to you that I know what?" she asks me.

"That you have not been replaced," I answer stupidly, "and that you're always welcome to come home," I add, to not sound like a complete idiot. "I know however that you don't want that," I add again.

"It's not that simple," Lorelai says.

"It's not? Then explain it to me," I challenge her.

"I can't. I know you wouldn't understand. I need my own life. I need to be independent. I don't think I could have that at home. I know this life isn't what you want for me, but right now it is what I want. Maybe you can accept that sometime," she says.

"I'll try," I answer. She gives me a weak smile. We pass some weird Thanksgiving town meeting poster. While I don't have the slightest clue what this is about it gives me an idea.

"Lorelai, you don't have to decide immediately, but maybe you and Rory could come for Thanksgiving. That is if you don't have other plans. Your father would like to see Rory as well. We'd be happy to see you," I invite her.

"I'll think about it," she says. That's more than I hoped for. She declined my first Christmas invitation. That was my worst Christmas ever. I don't even want to think about it. I didn't try to invite her ever since. And she didn't come on her own as well. Of course I've always sent them presents and she always thanked me, but that was it.

"Thank you." We pass _Laura's nest_. "I'm sorry that we scared Rory," I say, remembering her timid expression.

"Me too. I should talk to her."

I nod. "We should be more considerate when she's around," I say.

"I agree." We look at each other. „Wow, we're agreeing a lot today, don't you think?" she laughs, and I chime in. "And you really know about special fairy skills? I didn't know that," she teases me.

"You don't know a lot about me," I reply. She looks down. The atmosphere is going down as well. "Well, yes, but they're very secret. Though maybe Rory will fill you in," I try to rescue the light mood.

"She seemed like she had a good time with you," Lorelai says.

"Unlike you?" I ask her, before I can stop myself.

"I didn't mean it like that," Lorelai says.

"Sorry. Yes, I had a nice time as well. She's really cute. You raised her well so far." Lorelai shoots me another look. "And I'm sure you'll do so in the future. You know she wanted to go into town to hide from you. But I declined and she went along with it – no discussion at all," I praise.

"Unlike what I'd had done," Lorelai says. And it's true, so I don't reply anything. But she's looking expectantly at me.

I sigh. "Yes," I answer the truth. "You loved discussions even as a child. But that's you. And well, it's not that you always misbehaved." She snorts. "You know, Lorelai, we had good times as well. It wasn't always bad. Don't you remember anything?" I ask her kind of desperate. She thinks about this for a while.

"I remember the dollhouse," she says. While that is at least something, it's far from everything.

"There was more than just the dollhouse," I reply.

We're reaching the inn. I'm quite satisfied with our talk. Lorelai looks as if she's contemplating what I said. Inside I see Rory waiting for us in the lobby, a book on her lap. This time I'm not afraid of seeing her with a book – it already went well. When she sees us, she runs towards us, eyeing us for a moment. She seems satisfied.

"Grandma, can we read this together? I still have trouble with the difficulter words –"

"- more difficult –" Lorelai chimes in absentmindedly.

"more difficult," Rory repeats. "Will you read _Cinderella_ with me?" she says turning to me again.

"Yes, I will," I say, picking up the book and sitting down on the couch in the deserted lobby. While we read, Lorelai tries to find things to do around us. I know she's observing us. Rory and I have a nice time reading. When we've finished Lorelai turns to Rory.

"It's getting late honey. Time for dinner. I'm sure grandma has to go as well." A look at my watch tells me she's right. I have to hurry to make it in time.

"Your mother is right," I say standing up. "Thank you for showing me your secret place," I whisper the last words, "and your reading is very good Rory, I'm impressed. I don't think I've seen a four-year-old that good at it before." Rory blushes.

"Will you come back?" she asks me anxiously. "To tell me more about fairies?" she adds hopefully.

I'd love to come back, but I'm not sure about Lorelai. Sure our talk was good, but it was only a small start, I know that. "We'll see," I reply cautiously, shooting Lorelai a look who avoids to look back at me. "Maybe you'll come to visit me again, as well," I say, glancing again at Lorelai.

"Are there fairies in your garden, too?" Rory asks.

"Oh of course," I say, smiling knowingly. "Would I know about their special skills otherwise? Years of observing," I add conspiratorially. She looks at me in awe.

"Come Rory, we'll bring grandma outside," Lorelai says.

In front of the inn I turn towards them. "It was nice being here, thank you," I say. "Goodbye Lorelai."

"Goodbye, Mother," Lorelai replies, looking as if she wants to add something, but she doesn't. I look down at little Rory who looks a little sad.

"Goodbye, my little fairy," I say winking at her and caressing her hair. My attempt to cheer her up works, since she's smiling now back at me.

"Goodbye, Grandma," she says. She reaches inside her pocket and gives me a folded paper. "I made this for you," she says.

"Thank you, Rory," I say touched, unfolding it. She coloured many little fairies in all kinds of colours upon it. "It's beautiful, thank you, Sweetie," I say again. She smiles. I'm close to tears, so I quickly turn around.

I get into my car and open the window, looking at the two of them. Just when I'm about to drive off, Lorelai runs to me, leaving Rory in front of the steps.

„Mom, you have not been replaced either," she says through the window. "Mia took me in, yes, and we get along better, but she's not my mother. And she'll never be," she finishes, going back to Rory before I can reply anything. Maybe she does remember more than I thought. Driving away I can see them waving. I'm so happy, that I even honk. All the way back my smile isn't leaving me.


	23. The flyer

_Thanks as always for the reviews.__ I'm glad that you liked the talk and them getting along fairly well. Who needs drama all the time, lol. And I'm happy you like little Rory. Here's the next one, though I think my next update won't come too soon – but I did pretty well the last times, didn't I? Enjoy this one. _

**Chapter 23: The ****flyer**

„It was a real good talk," I say happily to my husband. I'm still over the moon that we didn't get into a fight.

"I told you, it wouldn't be like your nightmare," he replies. "I'm happy for you," he adds.

I look at him, feeling a little guilty. I want him to be happy as well. He stares at the ceiling. "You know, I invited her and Rory for Thanksgiving. Maybe they'll come. I'm hopeful. I don't think I'll invite others this year. Luckily I'm a little behind with invitations anyway. What do you think?" I ask.

"That's fine with me. But don't get too hopeful, Emily," he warns.

"I won't." I look outside – full moon and some stars. "Richard?"

"Hmm," he replies, turning towards me. I gaze into his eyes.

"Thank you. I know I wouldn't have been able to go through with it, without you. You were amazing that night. Your advice, your comfort, patience and support – thank you," I say sincerely. He caresses my cheek.

"For you anytime, my darling," he says. I take his hand, kissing it.

"I love you," I say simply. We don't say it out loud often. He bends over giving me a long, gentle kiss.

"I love you too, Emmy," he responds. I snuggle up to him, kissing him then planting lots of light kisses onto his chest.

"Emily?" he looks at me surprised.

"I think I'm not done thanking you yet," I answer, winking at him.

* * *

"Thank you," I say, as Lilly hands me the mail. When she doesn't go away, I look up at her. "Yes?"

"Nothing," she says, going some steps away, pretending to dust the cupboard. As if I wouldn't see through it. It's not her task today anyway.

"What is it, Lilly?" I demand to know, after some time.

"Have you looked through your mail already?"

"Why? Do you read my letters?" I ask. She blushes and looks down.

"No, ma'am. It's just that this flyer stood out. I couldn't but read it, when I was sorting the mail," she says apologetically. I have to smile inwardly, while searching through the mail.

"This one?" I hold up the DAR flyer. Why they sent it to me, I don't know. I'm in the committee who plans this event, they should know better than to send me one. As if I wouldn't have it already. She nods. "What about it?" I ask her confused.

„Well… "

I look at my watch. I don't have time for this. We have a meeting in half an hour. "Lilly, please. I have other things to do today. Just say it," I urge her.

"Well, it's a tea, right?"

"Yes, it's a tea, that's what it says," I reply impatiently.

"A tea for DAR ladies and their granddaughters…," she trails off. I think I know what this is about now. „Are you going?" she asks me.

„Of course I'm going. I'm one of the ladies in charge," I answer.

"I mean with Rory," she finally says.

I admit that I thought about it. To bring her with me would be my dream. But I know better than to dream. Lorelai would never allow this. She hates such events. I always had to drag her with me, when she was a child. She never came voluntarily. There was always some bribing or threatening involved. I sigh, not wanting to remember these scenes. "No," I say.

"Did you ask her?" she goes on.

"It's not about asking Rory, it's about asking Lorelai and she never would allow it," I state.

"But your talk went well," she objects.

"And I don't want to risk what we have achieved."

"You said you and Rory got along wonderfully. I'm sure she noticed that. Rory deserves to get to know you," she says.

"Tell that to Lorelai," I mumble.

"That's exactly, what I'll do," Lilly says.

"No, you won't. Lilly, don't," I warn her.

"Why not? I'll tell her I found the flyer – which is true – and suggest that she'll allow Rory to spend some time with her grandmother. I can even mention that you were against me asking her," she says, her eyes sparkling. I sigh. "What's there to lose?" she asks me.

„We just got along quite well. Maybe they'll come for Thanksgiving," I reply.

"Well, you can't wait that long. The tea is two days prior to Thanksgiving."

"I know that, in case you forgot, I'm planning the tea," I snap at her, regretting it immediately. "Lilly – "

"It's okay. I get that you want her to come for Thanksgiving. But what do you really have? The fact that your last talk wasn't a fight. While that is an achievement, it doesn't mean much if that was your last talk for a while. Maybe she'll come to Thanksgiving, but does that mean she'll come again? I don't want to be mean, or spoil your hope, but maybe she's waiting for you to reach out. Maybe Rory is the key. That if you get closer to her you'll reach Lorelai as well."

"Lorelai hates all things where the DAR is involved," I state.

"But it's not her who would have to attend, but Rory. Please let me go to her. I promise I won't push her or anything. I'll just give her the flyer, saying I think she should let Rory go, if Rory wants to go, and that you didn't dare to ask her, because you don't want to risk what you've achieved so far."

"I think you have some clothes to iron," I say. We stare at each other for some seconds.

"Yes, ma'am," she curtseys, turning around. She sounds a little hurt.

"Lilly?" I call her back. „I'll think about it. But promise me not to go to her, unless I give my okay," I demand.

"Yes, Mrs. Gilmore," she promises.

I'd love to take Rory with me, to finally introduce her to my friends. But I just know that Lorelai will hate it. She took Rory away from me and my lifestyle. She won't let her come back. And well if I follow Lorelai's logic, she has to come to me next time. I came to her. I even invited her. Now it's her turn. But then I'd love to introduce Rory to the ladies. Rory loves me. She'd like to go, I'm sure. At least if Lorelai won't tell her too much „horror stories" about the ladies.

Lilly wants to go and ask, but do I really want her telling Lorelai I didn't dare to ask her? Do I want to appear that weak? I have to find another solution. I'm thinking about this all through the meeting, nearly missing that the ladies really want to serve jelly.

"Ladies, please," I chime in. "We want to introduce our granddaughters to a proper tea, not some birthday party of a kindergarten friend. Cucumber sandwiches it is," I state, looking around. No objections, as I thought. I really should focus more on the conversation, or this will end up as tea with Barbie.

Coming home I call out for Lilly who comes downstairs immediately. I finally made my decision on my way home. My desire to spend time with Rory has won over the fear of annoying Lorelai.

"You can go. But you'll do as I say. Do I have your word?"

"Yes, Mrs. Gilmore," Lilly replies joyfully.

"So you'll tell her you found the flyer when giving it to her and that you think Rory should be allowed to go, spending time with her grandmother. However you won't mention that I didn't dare to come. You'll simply say I send you because I'm busy. You may add however that you think I'd really like to go with Rory. But that's it. Understand?"

"Yes, ma'am," she says, still smiling.

"Good," I nod. She still looks questioningly at me. "Yes?"

"When do you want me to go?"

"Whenever you want. Now for all I care. I'll take care of Becky. I'm home for the end of the day," I tell her.

* * *

I'm waiting by the window, looking out for Lilly. Why does this take so long? She shouldn't say more than what I told her. But looking at the clock I know she's not late. I'm pacing the room, commuting between a sleeping Becky who I took downstairs and the window waiting for Lilly to return. It's pathetic, but I can't focus on anything. Not even on the beauty of a sleeping baby.

* * *

"And what did she say?" I ask Lilly, as soon as she steps foot into the house. It took all my will power not to run outside as soon as I saw her entering the driveway.

"She'll think about it," Lilly replies, not succeeding in hiding her smile at my curiosity, but I don't care.

"That's all?" I ask incredulously.

"Well," she begins, putting her coat away.

"Lilly."

"She looked at it. Didn't seem to like it. I told her I think Rory deserves some time with her grandmother. Same for you with your granddaughter. I told her coming to her was my idea – "

My eyes are widening. She improvised. „Lilly," I say threateningly.

„What? I couldn't possibly only say those four sentences. I promise I didn't say anything you wouldn't have liked me to say."

"Then what did you say?" I inquire.

"Well, that coming to her was my idea, that you know I'm here, and agreed that I'd come, that you're busy, but that I have the feeling you'd love to spend some time with Rory," she ends.

_Love_. She said _love_. I said _like_. Doesn't she know the difference? I close my eyes.

„What?" Lilly asks.

„I said _like_," I whisper.

"And?"

"You said _love_," I repeat her.

"Your point being… ?"

"Don't you see the difference? _Love_ is so strong. I sound desperate," I reply.

"That's silly," she says. I shoot her a warning look. "I'm sorry, ma'am, but _love_ or _like_, the result is you want to go with her," she says. She's going to Becky, who's still sleeping in the living-room.

"Was she upset?" I ask her quietly.

"No. I don't think so. Really, you shouldn't worry too much. I'm not sure if she'll say yes to this, but I'm sure she's not angry."

"So she only said she'll think about it?"

"Pretty much."

"Lilly!"

"I'm sorry, I didn't memorize the conversation. She didn't say much more. And the result was she'll think about it. And I think she will," she says, picking up Becky.

"Did she say anything about Thanksgiving?" I ask her.

"No," she says, caressing Becky. "I didn't ask about it either," she adds, looking a little guilty.

"Oh, that's all right. You shouldn't ask about it. That's all right. Was Rory there?" I ask. I wasn't sure whether it would be good or bad for me if Rory witnesses it. Good, because I'm sure she'd want to come. Bad, because Lorelai could feel pressured. So I decided not to give Lilly instructions on this and await, what fate had in stock for me.

"No, she wasn't."

I nod. Becky is waking up and Lilly is carrying her around. Before she goes upstairs I stop her.

"Thank you, Lilly."

"Anytime," she smiles, before she starts cooing with her daughter.


	24. Short visit

_Thanks so much for__ the encouraging reviews. Come August I'll face the hardest time job-wise so far, so I don't think I'll manage to update as often as before. The other solution would be to write an early end to this story, but I like it too much and I still picture some scenes so I ask you to be patient. I'm not forgetting this story however. I hope you enjoy this chapter._

**Chapter 24: Short visit**

The doorbell is ringing. Since Lilly is in the garden I open the door myself. To my surprise Lorelai and Rory are standing there.

"Lorelai! Rory! How nice to see you. Come in," I say surprised, stepping away to let them pass.

"Hello Mom."

"Hello Grandma," Rory says, smiling at me. Her smile warms my heart. But I force myself to focus on Lorelai.

"Let me take your coats," I offer.

"Oh that's not necessary. We won't stay long," she dismisses, and I feel panic rising inside me.

"But surely long enough to take off your coats and leave the foyer," I manage to say. Rory is giving me hers. I turn to Lorelai.

"It's all right Mother, I think I still know where they belong," she says, taking Rory's from my hands and putting them on the wardrobe. Just when I want to invite them into the living room my eyes fall on the flyer in Lorelai's hands. I swallow. Now she'll tell me what the hell got into me. Lorelai notices my staring.

"So you're in charge?" she asks.

"Yes," I nod.

"And you sent your maid to me?" she continues.

"It was Lilly's idea, but yes I knew that she'd ask you," I reply. She nods.

"What exactly will go on there?" I notice that Rory's paying attention now as well.

"Well, it's a tea. The ladies and her granddaughters. We'll eat, there will be some games, something for charity, nothing unusual," I explain.

"So the usual stiff thing," Lorelai remarks. I think I don't even want to know what she told Rory.

"Lorelai," I say in a reprimanding voice. She sighs. I don't like this talk, especially not in front of Rory. I decide to force it to an early end. "As I said it was Lilly's idea. Of course I thought about it as well, but I knew you'd never allow it. I know your opinion of these events. So when you came to say no, just say it," I finish.

"I didn't come to say no," Lorelai replies.

"Oh." That one caught me off guard. We're still eyeing each other. "So what did you come to say?" I ask her finally.

"I wanted to know more about it. I saw you and Rory getting along pretty well. Yes, you're right, I never liked those events, but if Rory wants to go, she may," Lorelai says.

I'm pleasantly surprised. I didn't think she'd give in so quickly. Maybe she really does remember that not everything was bad and maybe she realizes that we don't deserve the treatment she gave us for the past three years. "Of course only if she wants to go. I wouldn't force her to do anything she doesn't want to do," I quickly say.

"I guess that's one advantage of being the _grand_daughter," Lorelai says pointedly, and she's right. I would've forced her. I look at Rory.

"So Rory, would you like to go with me?" I ask my granddaughter, trying to sound chipper.

"To a tea with games?" Rory asks. Lorelai snorts. I shoot her a look, before taking Rory's hand and sitting down on a nearby chair, so that I can look into her eyes, and she doesn't have to look up to me.

"Kind of. You know, I'm a member of an organization called _Daughters of the American Revolution_. We have several meetings and charity events, but this one is especially for our granddaughters. We want them to get to know each other, to introduce our granddaughters to the other ladies and to show them what we do. And because many of you are children we also play some games, yes," I explain.

"Why doesn't mom like it then?" she asks. I look at Lorelai.

"It's right that your mother doesn't like it. I think she doesn't like the people, the things we do," I realize that I can't explain this properly, because I have no clue what exactly it is what Lorelai dislikes so much. "And she never was fond of fancy dresses and everything. But well, you probably should ask your mother this question." Lorelai doesn't say anything. Rory is thinking.

„But you like it?" she asks.

"Yes, I do. When I was your age, my grandma took me with her. Even back then the ladies would've tea with their granddaughters. We value tradition. My mother was a member as well. We do many good things. Helping poor people - yes, I like it," I notice that she looks at me questioningly. "Yes?" I ask her.

"What is tradition?"

"Well tradition is, when you continue to do things people already did many years ago. This organization is very old and we still cherish what our ancestors – that is our great-grandmothers and theirs and so on – did." Rory seems to contemplate this. "It is only an invitation. I'd like to take you with me, but if you don't want it's all right as well. Maybe we can do something else then," I say, looking at Lorelai who nods slightly.

"I can't come with you," Rory whispers. I'm stunned as seems Lorelai. It looked as if she'd want to come. Why else would Lorelai have taken her here?

"What do you mean you can't? That you don't want to?" I ask.

"No. I can't," she states, if I assume correctly a little sad. Lorelai comes towards us.

"But why?" I ask a little perplexed.

"Mom told me about the dresses and you just said yourself that everyone wears fancy dresses. I don't have any," she whispers, looking down. Lorelai seems a little shocked. I put my hand under Rory's chin, forcing her to look at me.

"That's not a problem. We still have time. If you really want to go I'll go shopping with you. In fact, I'd love to take you shopping. It will be fun," I say, getting excited.

"Really?" she asks.

"Really," I reply. She looks at Lorelai.

„If you want to go, that's fine. I don't think you'll enjoy it, but if you want to go with grandma, that's fine with me," Lorelai says in a defending tone.

Rory looks back at me. "Then I want to go," she says. I can't but smile.

"Thank you Rory. I'm sure you will enjoy it," I add, glancing at Lorelai who is rolling her eyes. I give Rory a short hug, before standing up. "May I offer you anything to drink?"

"No thanks, Mom. As I said we don't have much time. I have to be back for the evening rush at the inn," Lorelai says. I nod.

"Thank you for coming," I say. I can't believe how easily this went. Maybe she really feels sorry for keeping Rory from us. They're already going to the door again, when I remember Thanksgiving. "Have you thought about Thanksgiving already?" I ask her, hopefully in a casual tone.

"Yes, I have," she replies. I look at her expectantly. "Who else will be there?" she asks. In this moment Lilly and Becky are coming back in.

"Hello Lorelai, Rory. I didn't know you're here," Lilly says. „Is there anything I can do?" she asks me.

"No thank you Lilly. In fact they're just about to leave," I say.

"Oh, okay," Lilly says. Rory's eyes are on Becky. Lilly kneels down. „You can caress her, if you're cautious," she says to her and Rory slowly goes to Becky, stretching out her little hand and caressing the baby. Becky immediately smiles at her. Rory smiles at us.

"Well, seems that she likes you," I say. Lorelai clears her throat and I remember her question. „I'm sorry, Lorelai. Well as a matter of fact I didn't invite anyone else. It would only be Rory and you, your father and me, and of course Lilly and Becky," I answer her previous question. For a moment I think I saw a jealous look in Lorelai's eyes. Just when I thought I'd only imagined it, Lilly says something which makes me wonder whether she saw it too.

"Becky and I can stay in the kitchen. Then it would only be the four of you. Of course I'll serve dinner, but I won't eat with you," she says.

"Nonsense," I dismiss her, but I watch Lorelai. She doesn't say anything, but stares into – well nothing actually. At some fix point next to Lilly.

"Well if my staying has anything to do with Lorelai's decision, I want to make it clear that I don't want to be in the way," Lilly says.

"I don't think this is necessary. Lorelai? Do you want them to stay in the kitchen?" I ask her. She doesn't react. "Lorelai!"

"Sorry – what?" she says, finally taking her eyes off the space she was staring at.

"Lilly suggested that she wouldn't come to Thanksgiving dinner. I don't think that's necessary, but it's your decision. Do you want her to stay in the kitchen?" I repeat.

„No, of course not," she says quickly. Maybe too fast?

"And you will come as well?" Lilly asks her.

"Yes, we will, right Rory?" Rory nods excitedly, but quickly turns her attention back to Becky. When Lorelai is going to get the coats she's motioning for me to come with her. "Mom, promise you won't force her to do anything she doesn't want to do," she says, while putting on her coat.

"Of course not," I say.

"And when she doesn't like it, promise me to leave early," she continues.

"Lorelai, please. I'm in charge, I can't leave early. And I'm sure she'll – "

„Then allow her to wait in the car," she interrupts me.

"Lorelai, I'm sure that won't be necessary."

"Mom, please."

"You really think she'll hate it, do you?"

"And you really think she'll love it, do you?" she says back. I sigh.

"Waiting in the car isn't proper behaviour," I state.

"That's what I'm talking about. Please don't go all _proper behaviour_ on her. If she's miserable, don't force her to stay." She's really paranoid.

"All right. If she's truly miserable, I'll find a way to get out of there or I'll allow her to wait for me – in the car. Still I don't think it will be necessary."

"But you promise?"

"Oh please, Lorelai," I say getting annoyed, but she looks seriously concerned. "I promise," I say, even holding up my hand. This is ridiculous.

"Thank you. Oh and Mom, when you take her shopping. One fancy dress. Only one."

„Do I have to make a promise for that as well?" I ask her sarcastically.

"Well, since I don't want to make you a promise-breaker I'd rather say we skip this one," she mocks me. Before I can say anything back she calls out for Rory.

"Come on honey. We're already late," she calls.

"Do you need a ride?" I offer. Lorelai looks at her watch.

„If we hurry we'll get the bus. But thanks."

"Rory, please, say goodbye and come," Lorelai calls for her again. Rory says goodbye to Lilly and Becky.

"Well, I have something to do in the kitchen. Goodbye Lorelai," Lilly excuses herself.

"Goodbye Lilly," Lorelai replies. It's not very noticeable, but somehow her voice got a touch colder. I wonder if I really have to worry about those two or Thanksgiving. "Goodbye Mother," she says to me.

"Goodbye Lorelai. Thanks again for coming. I'll call you for a date to take her shopping." She nods. "Goodbye Sweetie," I say to Rory, caressing her hair.

"Goodbye Grandma. Too bad I couldn't see any fairies today," she sighs.

"I told you we wouldn't have time for this," Lorelai reminds her.

"I know," she says.

"We'll take a look at them later," I promise.

"After shopping?" she asks.

"Yes. After shopping. And now hurry. Your mother is waiting for you. I'll see you soon," I call after her.

"See you soon, Grandma," she calls back, waving at me.

"If you missed the bus come back, then I'll give you a ride," I yell to Lorelai. She nods, takes Rory's hand and they run off together. This time I'm not sad. I know, I'll see them again soon.


	25. Shopping

_Thanks so much for all the encouraging reviews. __I guess I wanted to write as much as possible before work starts, so here's the next chapter already. I hope you enjoy it._

**Chapter 25: Shopping**

"Why did you offer to eat in the kitchen?" I ask Lilly. I just have to know if she thought the same.

"Well, I wasn't sure if Lorelai would feel comfortable with me around. You know this is her home, she wasn't here in a long time, I just don't want her to feel weird," she says slowly. I nod.

"But this is your home now as well," I say.

"Thank you. But still…," she stops.

"Still what?" I prod.

"As you said, she's your daughter. Rory and Lorelai are your family. Not us. And I really wouldn't mind to stay in the kitchen. So if you change your mind – "

"I won't," I interrupt her. "Besides, I'm godmother to Becky. That doesn't make you exactly my family, but close. Anyway, thanks for the offer. I appreciate it, but it's not necessary." She nods and is about to go back to her work again, when I notice that I still don't have the answer to my question. "Lilly?" I call her back. "So that was your reason? Nothing more to it?" She gives me a confused look. "I mean the reason for your offer, was it just general concern, or was there something what made you concerned?"

"I don't know. General concern I'd say, but then…" she looks down.

"What Lilly? This is important to me, please be honest," I encourage her.

"Well, I'm not sure, I'm really not sure," she emphasizes, but I look expectantly at her so she continues, "maybe I saw something in Lorelai's eyes. Some kind of jealousy. That she wouldn't want me to be there. But I'm really not sure about this. Maybe it's only my imagination. What I would feel if I'd be in her place," she finishes, looking down again.

"Thank you," I say. So I didn't imagine it. At least I don't think we both did.

* * *

When I arrive at the inn Lorelai is outside, cleaning the porch. 

"Rory, grandma's here," she yells, before I even reach her. Some seconds later Rory bounces into view.

"Hello Grandma," she greets me happily.

"Hello Sweetie," I reply. "Hello Lorelai," I greet my daughter.

"Mom," she nods at me.

"So are you ready to go?" I ask my granddaughter. She nods excitedly. "I'll bring her home this evening," I say to Lorelai.

"Yes, thank you. Rory, be a good girl, will you?"

"Yes, Mom," she says, kissing her goodbye. Then she comes back to me.

"I'm sure we'll get along very well," I say, taking her hand. She smiles up at me. "Goodbye Lorelai."

"Goodbye Mom. Leave something for the other people, will you?" she adds in a mocking tone.

I just roll my eyes, while leading Rory to the car.

* * *

"So which one do you like most?" I say, holding up two dresses. One of them is white, fluffy, with a little petticoat underneath and little pink roses scattered over the dress. The other one is light blue, also petticoat and has white lace upon it. She looks beautiful in both. Rory is looking at both intently. 

"I'm not sure. I like them both. I could wear both to the tea, right?"

"Yes," I agree. "They would both fit perfectly."

"May I try them on again?" she asks me.

"Of course. We have time," I say, handing her back the white one. Lorelai never offered to try them on again. After changing and twirling once more – somehow Lorelai must've told her about twirling – she looks at me again.

"I'm really not sure. Which one do you like more, Grandma?"

"You look cute in both of them, but I think I like the white one a tad more," I answer, seeing that she won't decide that all by herself. And well she's only four.

She looks at them again. "The white one," she states. So that's settled. We walk through other parts of the store – where the more daily clothes are. I'll be damned if that one fancy dress is everything I buy for her. And after all, everything Lorelai said was only one fancy dress. And I won't buy her two fancy dresses. I know very well that she has no occasion to wear them.

"Would you like something else, Rory?"

She looks at me with big eyes. "What do you mean?"

"Well, do you like some of the skirts, dresses or shirts here? Anything? Just tell me and I'll buy it as well." Immediately she's looking through the clothes. It's so much fun to watch her, how excited she is by picking whatever she wants. Trying clothes on, giggling, it's refreshing to watch her. I feel younger myself. But I know that I shouldn't overdo it, so in the end I get her one more dress – this time a plaid blue one, and a jeans skirt with a white blouse. She looks darling.

"May I wear the blue dress now?" she asks me. I have to think of myself as a kid. I always wanted to wear new clothes as well immediately.

"Of course you may," I reply softly. After changing into it again she comes up to me with a big smile on her face.

"Thank you so much, Grandma," she says, taking my hand and bouncing next to me out of the store. We go for some ice-cream now. Rory of course doesn't run around with it, when I tell her not to. As we're going along the windows I suddenly notice that she stopped. When I turn around I see her standing in front of a boutique, looking at some dress. A woman's dress I'd never wear. Too funky and colourful.

"Rory? What are you looking at?" I ask her.

"Mom's dress," she replies.

"Your mother's dress? Does she have the same?" I ask. I mean I could picture her wearing something like this, Lorelai's taste was always unconventional to put it nicely, but when I look at the price I wonder that she'd buy this. I didn't think she'd have the money for it.

"No, but sometimes we come here. We mostly look at things, and well mom likes this dress. And she always says that some day she'll wear it. So we call it her dress. And then I look for something I like, though I want mostly books. And sometimes mom buys them for me. But she doesn't buy things for herself. Mostly her things are gone when we come back again, so we look for something else. And we think of things we'll buy later, when we have more money." I nod. For a second I'm tempted to go into the store to buy it for her, but I leave it.

As we go further along the windows we also come by a toy store, which contains some kids books. Inside, her eyes are glancing at everything, but the real sparkle gets into it, once she found the books. She touches them nearly reverently. In fact I have to suppress a smile. "Grandma, look," she says suddenly very excited. I turn towards her. She has a copy of _Sleeping Beauty_ in her hands.

"But don't you know it?" I ask her. After all Flora is one of the fairies in _Sleeping Beauty_. I thought that's where she got the name from.

"Yes, but this one is so much prettier than the one we have in kindergarten. And look more pictures. See Flora is the red one - though I know that she can wear other colours as well when we want her to," she adds conspiratorially. She's looking at the other pages, trying to read some of it. After a while she puts it back, giving it a longing look. I wonder whether Lorelai told her not to ask for too much.

"Would you like to have it?" I ask her.

"Yes, but you already got me so many things," she replies quietly. Maybe I was right.

"Well only clothes. I don't think some other thing will be too much," I state, picking up the book and buying it.

"Thank you, Grandma," she says sincerely.

"You deserve it," I reply. "You didn't complain once."

"Why should I complain?" she asks me incredulously.

Yes, that was my question as well, when Lorelai complained pretty much every time I took her here. I never understood it. But of course I can't answer that. "Well, some children don't like to try on clothes," I simply answer.

"I thought it was fun. And mom was right. The twirling is great," she says. "Can we go to your garden now, looking for fairies? And reading the book?"

"Of course we can do that now," I reply and together we leave the mall. Both very satisfied with the result. Though I can't get one particular dress out of my head.

* * *

At home I call Richard, telling him that Rory and I will be here for another hour before I bring her back. I know he wants to see her as well and he replies he tries to come home in time. Then I take her to the garden. 

"So, where are they usually?" she whispers.

"Over there," I say, pointing towards some bushes to the right. We quietly go there. I watch her. She seems excited, it's very cute.

"How many are coming to this place?" she whispers.

"If we're lucky three," I whisper back, thinking of _Sleeping Beauty_. We're coming close to the point I showed her.

"As in _Sleeping Beauty_?" she asks excitedly. I nod. I knew she'd make the connection. We watch the place for a while. She's looking intently, but not saying anything. Perhaps she's waiting for me, since this is my place.

"See, there the first one comes, behind that leave, do you see her?"

"Yes, I can see her. She's beautiful. What colour do you see her in Grandma?"

"Violet, and you?"

"Green," she giggles. "And there is another one, and there, you were right Grandma, three fairies. You must be so happy to have three of them in your garden," she sighs. I have to suppress a smile again. I am happy, but not because of the fairies, but because of my angelic granddaughter who is so adorable. After watching them some more, I put my hand on her shoulder. Cold wind is coming up.

"Let's go back inside. It's getting too cold here," I say.

"I'm not cold, Grandma," she replies. I look at her. She can't stand my watch and looks down. "Please, just a tiny bit longer, Grandma, one minute more," she begs.

"But we wanted to read your new book, have you forgotten about it? And I have to bring you to your mother soon," I say.

"Please," she whispers again. Then looking up she states, "See they're dancing now, I guess it's their fall dance." For a second she glances up at me, checking if her strategy works.

"One minute," I state, feeling her leaning into me. We watch their dance for a little while. Rory is even humming a little. "Come Rory, be a good girl and come inside now. We can look at them again next time you come," I say.

"Promised?" she asks me.

"Promised," I reply. Reluctantly she's following me inside.

Lilly brings us milk and cookies and we settle down to open the book. She starts reading a little and I'm helping her. Then when I notice it's getting too exhausting I read it to her. Suddenly I hear the door and some well known footsteps. Richard is home. I knew he would come.


	26. Grandpa

_Thanks so much for the shower of reviews. I'm happy you like Emily/Rory. Work is great, but also a lot to do. I hope you enjoy this chapter._

**C****hapter 26: Grandpa**

"Emily, I'm home," Richard calls out and I feel Rory pressing into me. She looks a little scared.

"We're in here," I shout out to him. "Your grandfather is home, Sweetie. Come let's greet him," I say, putting the book aside and standing up. I take her hand and she's clinging towards my leg. Richard is coming in and I see some hurt flicker in his eyes once he notices that she's hiding her face in my skirt. But then, when was she ever around men? And Richard is tall I can imagine he seems intimidating to a little girl. I even have to admit that part of me likes that she's clinging towards me after such a short time, but looking at Richard I feel sorry for him. I know how I felt when she was hiding herself behind Lorelai because of me. "Hello Richard," I greet him, going some steps towards him – Rory following me like she's glued to my leg – and reaching up to kiss my husband hello. Maybe when she sees this, she won't be so scared anymore. And right, she is peeking at him now.

"Hello Emily," he says, kissing my cheek obviously realizing what I started.

"Rory," I say softly, caressing her hair, gently loosening her grip from my leg and kneeling beside her. "This is your grandpa." I motion for Richard to kneel down as well.

"Hello Rory," he says. She's still staring at him. I caress her back.

"Say hello to him, will you?" I finally say.

She's quickly looking at me, before quietly saying, "Hello, Grandpa." Richard shoots me a helpless look.

"Why don't you show your grandfather what I bought you today?" I ask her. She goes to the couch to get the book. Both of us are standing up again, following her.

"_Sleeping Beauty_," she says to him, holding up the book. "Oh and this," she points to her dress. "And a fancy dress, a skirt and a blouse," she finishes.

"Why, those are beautiful gifts." She nods. "Were you reading it when I was coming?" he asks her. She nods again. "So how far did you get?"

"Until the fairies want to make a cake and a dress for Aurora," she says, showing him the page. He sits down on the couch to get a better look at it.

"You know what? Why doesn't your grandfather continue reading this to you? I have some things to check in the kitchen. Maybe you can show him what you can read already as well. I'll be right back," I say, winking at a slightly scared Rory. She's still standing next to him.

"So you can read already?" Richard asks her impressed, while I'm leaving.

"Just a little," she replies.

"So what does this mean?" he asks her.

"_And_ – that was an easy one," she replies.

"Well, it's a word nonetheless. And this one?"

"_Au-ro-ra_," she reads.

"Very good," he encourages her. I knew I'd never make it to the kitchen. "So what do you think, should we continue reading this together?" he asks her. Peeking around the corner I see that she's sitting down next to him now, the book on both their laps. Richard is changing his voice when he's reading the different people; talking high for the fairies deep for the prince - it's lovely to watch them.

"Why don't you read the parts when Aurora is speaking?" he asks her. "Your voice seems perfect to fit a princess," he adds. So charming.

"Okay," she answers, smiling shyly up at him.

I try to remember the last time Lorelai looked at him this way and I can't. I try to remember Richard reading to Lorelai and some faint memory appears. When she was little he sometimes had time for her, played with her before disappearing into his study. But I know those were rare times and when she grew up they vanished completely. He was just so busy and it seemed that he didn't know what to do with her once she could read for herself and well Lorelai always was so independent – or at least she claimed to be. Some giggling gets me out of my thoughts and it's better this way. I can't change the past anyway and I don't want to get sad now. I enjoy watching the two of them getting along. After some time I go back to them, sitting next to Rory and offering to speak the fairies. It really is fun. Rory is giggling more and more at our voices.

A look at the watch tells me that I should bring her home now. We didn't set a specific time, but I know Lorelai's waiting. After all I didn't tell her that I'd bring her after dinner. For a moment I consider asking Lorelai if she can stay for dinner, but I stop myself. I already bought her more than she'll approve of. I have to take this slowly. There are still some pages to read though.

"Rory," I start cautiously, "I think we have to stop now. I have to bring you back, it's getting late," I say. Both are looking at me disappointedly.

"Please, Grandma, let's finish the book," she pleads.

"But you know how it's ending, and your mother is waiting for you," I say.

"But I never had so much fun reading it, please," she pouts.

"Don't you think we can finish it?" Richard chimes in. I shoot him an accusing look.

"I don't want to aggravate Lorelai," I say.

"Well, I guess then – " he starts, but Rory interrupts him.

"Let me call mom, I tell her I'll be late," Rory says.

"Sweetie, I'm afraid this isn't how this works," I say.

"But you didn't say a certain time, did you? It's only some more pages, please Grandma," she begs again. She's a smart one, catching that we didn't set a certain time, but still.

"She expects you home for dinner. We're already a little late. Rory believe me I'd love to read more to you, but we have to delay it. We will finish it though, I promise."

"When?" she asks.

"Well, next time you're coming. After the tea," I say.

"Is Grandpa here then?" We share a look. Probably not. "See, we have to finish it now," she says, and starts to read the next sentence, even though it's not her part.

"Rory," I say firmly, taking the book and closing it. Now she's shooting me an accusing look and for the first time I see Lorelai in her. She looks exactly like Lorelai when I took her old ragged teddy from her, declaring she couldn't possibly bring this one as her favourite toy to kindergarten, but should take the new doll instead. Lorelai got one of her famous tantrums and only my threatening to take away the teddy completely got her to stop immediately. The same accusing look – though not as strong – is staring at me from the eyes of my granddaughter now, eyes so similar to Lorelai's. For a moment I'm scared that everything will go wrong again. But no, it won't. I can't always give in. That wouldn't be fair to Lorelai either. "I promised we'd finish it and we will – at Thanksgiving. And yes of course your grandfather will be present then," I add, before she can protest again.

"But you said we would read it," she mumbles.

"Which we did, I never said we'd read it all though. And well we spent a long time watching the fairies too, you didn't want to leave them either," I remind her. She's still pouting. In a way I feel mean. She enjoys our time together and so do I, but we have to start slowly. And she has to know that when I say something I won't change my opinion because of begging. "Rory, you have to know that I don't approve of begging. Now be a good girl and get your coat. As I said we're already late and I don't want your mother to be mad." I can see her open her mouth again. "Rory, now," I say with the strictest voice I can manage, looking sternly at her.

She slowly gets off the couch. I look at Richard and I guess he looks as troubled as I feel. I'm not really mad that he didn't support me. He just got to know her. He puts one arm around my shoulder and kisses my temple before going after Rory. A moment later I pick up the book, following them. Richard is helping her into her coat.

"You know, you have to understand your grandmother, Rory. We want to have you here as often as possible, but therefore we have to bring you home on time, do you understand?" She looks up at him, with sad eyes, nodding slowly.

"Is she mad at me now?" she whispers, and it breaks my heart.

"No, she isn't," he replies. "She loves you very much."

"Your grandfather is right, Rory," I say, approaching them. "I'm not mad at you, but we really have to hurry." She's smiling a little at me. Then she turns to Richard.

"Goodbye, Grandpa," she says.

"Goodbye, my little princess," he replies, winking at her. She giggles a little. I'm relieved.

"Here," I hold out the book to her.

"I don't want to take it with me," she says. I'm taken aback.

"But why not?" Is she still mad? Is she worried about Lorelai's reaction?

"It's true that I never had so much fun reading it, I don't want anyone else to read it to me. I'll wait for Thanksgiving," she finishes.

"All right," I say, handing Richard the book. "I'll be back soon," I say to him, before going outside.

When I make sure that her seatbelt is closed correctly I lean over her. "Are you mad at me, Sweetie?" I just have to know. She looks at me.

"No," she says slowly. "I'm just a little sad." Nothing more.

"Because you have to go?" She nods. "Me too. But that's the way it is. And I'm sure you're looking forward to tell your mother all about today. The mall, the fairies, your grandpa. See how much we experienced today. And we can look forward to Thanksgiving and the tea of course. Isn't that something?" I ask her, trying to cheer us up.

"Yes, it is," she replies, looking a little brighter. "I'll tell mom it's my fault I'm late."

"That's okay, you don't have to," I dismiss her, giving her a kiss on the cheek. I'm about to close the door, when she's looking at me again.

"I'm sorry, Grandma," she says quietly. "Mom told me to obey you."

"It's all right, Rory. Don't worry about it. As I said I'm not mad at you. And you did obey in the end. I'd love to have you here longer, but it's not possible today."

On the ride back I think it's interesting that my daughter, little miss I-do-what-I-want-you-don't-have-to-tell-me-anything, told her daughter to obey me. I try to get into a talk with Rory pointing towards several things we pass, but she doesn't say much. I mostly get one word answers and I don't reprimand her, telling her that's no way to reply to a question. With time I give up and it's a silent drive back. I sometimes look into the rear-mirror only to catch a rather pensive look. Somehow I have to think of children of divorced parents who're stuck between two worlds. In a way it's the same here. We have to pay attention not to burden her with our disagreements. Though I didn't think that was the case today. It's simply that we had a nice time and she has to leave. At least we know we'll see each other again, but maybe she's thinking ahead? Maybe she's thinking about what'll happen after Thanksgiving? Is that too forward to think for a four-year-old? I don't know. I don't know what Lorelai said about us in her presence either.


	27. The Promise

_As always I'm very grateful for all your reviews. As you have noticed I am busy now. Work is very time-consuming, so I guess the next chapter will take some time as well. I hope you'll still read and enjoy the story though._

**Chapter 27: The Promise**

Arriving at the inn Lorelai is outside again, I knew she was waiting for us. Rory is running towards her and I follow with the shopping bags, which Lorelai eyes suspiciously.

"I'm sorry we're a little late," I say.

"Did she have dinner?" Lorelai asks me. I look at the watch. 7pm.

"No, that would've been a little early. Now's dinner time," I reply.

"And you're here," Lorelai points out.

"Yes, as I said we're later than I intended to be," I say a little defensively.

"We couldn't even finish _Sleeping Beauty,_" Rory complains.

"Well you know I promised you we'd finish it at Thanksgiving," I remind my granddaughter.

"Or you can finish it the day when the tea is," Lorelai suggests.

"No, grandpa won't be there then," Rory says.

"Grandpa?" Lorelai asks looking at me surprised.

"Yes, he makes the funniest voices," Rory giggles. "Grandma isn't bad either," she says, looking at me.

"Is that so?" Lorelai asks incredulously. "Well then I guess you have to wait until Thanksgiving," she says, looking at Rory. "So is this the dress you'll wear at the tea?" she asks Rory, pointing at her new dress.

"No, this isn't a fancy one," Rory laughs. "Grandma bought me this one as well. Do you like it? I picked it myself," she says proudly.

Lorelai gives me a glance then looking back at Rory, seeing her sparkling eyes she replies, "Yes, it looks nice."

"Mom, do you want to see what else grandma bought me? Grandma, may I try it on to show mom?" she asks me.

"Yes," I nod, giving her the bags.

"Will you help me with the buttons?" she asks me.

"Sure," I reply. We're just about to go off into one direction, when Lorelai stops Rory.

"You can change in the downstairs bathroom, Rory. I just cleaned it," she says. "It's the nearest place," she says towards me. Before I can think too much about it, Rory drags me there. She still looks darling in the white fluffy dress. When she comes out she twirls in front of Lorelai, giggling.

"See Mom, you were right, it is fun to twirl. Do you like it?"

"You'll fit right in with this one," she says, smiling a little sadly. Rory picks up on her sad tone and stops smiling as well. I hate that Lorelai is ruining her moment. Just when I'm about to chime in, she comes to her senses. "You look beautiful, Rory, honestly." She even musters a smile.

"Grandma got me another outfit as well, I'll try it on now," she says, going off to the bathroom again. Before I can go after her Lorelai says to me, "So this is your definition of only _one_ fancy dress, huh? I guess, it's good I didn't make you promise after all."

"As you will soon see, I got her only one _fancy_ dress. Everything else she can wear here as well," I reply, going after Rory to help her out of the white dress and into the skirt and blouse. I take the white dress and put it carefully back into the bag as Rory goes out again, presenting herself to her mother.

Lorelai comments on Rory's beauty once more. When I join them she asks her daughter, "And did you thank Grandma for her generosity?"

"She did," I say.

"Rory, why don't you go looking if dinner is ready?" Lorelai asks. Rory runs off. "Mom, don't do this. Don't shower her with gifts," she says firmly, turning to me.

"I'd barely call this _showering her with gifts_. I just got her a few clothes, things she can use," I defend myself.

"Oh and what was that talk about _Sleeping Beauty?_" she asks me a little angrily.

"Well, what about it? Do you see it anywhere?" I snap back, knowing how stupid I am, since Rory will confirm the purchase immediately if asked.

"No, but I know it's not one of my old child-books and I know that Rory is into fairy-tales right now," she replies, and for a short moment I wonder if she's jealous. Jealous she didn't have it as a child – though she had everything she wanted to have - and even more jealous that she can't buy everything she wants for her daughter. "Mother, I'm serious. I don't want you to spoil her. I don't want her to think she'll get everything she wants from you," she continues.

"Well, if you'd accepted our help, you could get her everything she wants," I say back.

"That's not the point, Mother. I don't want her to have everything she wants - at least not everything materialistic. I want her to feel loved, not bought. I don't want her to be me," she finally blurts out, and I can't mask how hurt I am about this. So this is how she felt. Didn't she know how much I loved her? How much I still and always will love her? I know I should ask her these questions, at least telling her she always was and always will be loved, but I can't. I look down, avoiding her eyes, trying to cover up my hurt as far as possible. Lorelai must've realized how much she hurt me, because she's looking down too, not going on about it anymore. But not apologizing either. Finally I pull myself together and look up again.

"Lorelai, don't you understand that this was my first time in the mall with my granddaughter. Don't you understand how nice it was for me to actually have her with me when buying things for her, not having to guess what she'd like?" I ask her quietly.

She sighs. "All right. But still, next time she sees you, don't buy her anything." I nod. Rory comes back.

"Rosa likes it as well," she says happily. I don't even know who Rosa is. I don't ask either. "Oh yes, and dinner is ready soon."

"Why yes, I have to go as well," I say.

"I hope you were a good girl?" Lorelai asks Rory, who glances briefly at me before looking down.

"Of course she was. You'll tell your mother all about it, will you? The mall, the fairies, the reading," I say, trying a convincing smile. Rory nods, smiling at me. "Goodbye Rory. I'll see you soon." Rory hugs me.

"Goodbye Grandma," she says. The feeling of her little hands touching mine while she's stepping out of the hug makes my skin tingle. After some seconds I force myself to focus on my daughter and the tea again.

"Lorelai, I think I'll take the white dress with me, she can't wear it for the whole day anyway. Would it be okay, if I come at 11am already?"

"Why so soon? The tea is in the afternoon, isn't it?" she asks me surprised.

"Yes, but I have to be there a little early, and this way Rory and I could've lunch before changing. And maybe I'd make her a nice hairdo as well, so we need a little more time," I explain.

"Mom, don't overdo it, she's not a porcelain doll," Lorelai objects. No she isn't. But she could certainly look like one.

"And let her wear a blouse. This way we don't have to damage it while changing," I say ignoring her.

"Mother –"

"Lorelai, please," I say, and we share a look. After some seconds Lorelai breaks away from it, sighing.

"So would you like a fancy hairdo as well?" she asks Rory, who nods. "Fine. But she'll still be in kindergarten at 11am."

"Then I'll pick her up from there." I say.

She nods. "I'll tell them you'll get her that day," she says.

"Thank you. Goodbye Lorelai." With a last smile at Rory I leave the inn.

When I'm opening the door to my car, Lorelai startles me. "Mom, wait," she says, running after me. I turn towards her, surprised. She stops in front of me. I know she wants to say something, but she doesn't. I'm getting impatient.

"What is it, Lorelai? As you already pointed out it's dinner time and I'm here and your father is waiting."

"Mom, promise me – "

"Oh please, I won't buy her anything next time," I interrupt her annoyed.

"That's not what I wanted to say," she says, an angry tone in her voice. Before I can comment on that, she continues, more calmly, "Promise me not to force her to do things she doesn't want to do.

* * *

"_No,"__ my 10-year-old daughter is yelling at me._

"_Lorelai," I warn her._

"_No, I won't do this. It's stupid."_

"_It's not stupid. And you will do as I say. You will be the perfect little lady I raised you to be. I don't understand why you're so fractious. It's like three times a year. When I was your age, we always curtsied - especially in front of the elder ladies. Then it got less and less popular and by now it's down to some rare events and only in front of the old ladies and you will treat them with respect. And that is addressing them as "ma'am" and curtsying in front of them when you're introduced to them," I berate her._

"_I might address them as "ma'am", but I won't curtsy. Never," she stomps her foot._

"_Lorelai Victoria Gilmore," I say, grabbing her arm. "You will do so. You won't embarrass me. If you dare to humiliate me in front of the ladies it's this room and school only for a very long time. And don't you stomp your foot again in my presence. Do you understand me?" I hiss at her. She looks at me stubbornly. I really don't understand her. What is so horrible about being respectful? "Lorelai, I swear if you let me wait even longer for your answer I'll talk to your father and there will be no circus at the weekend!" I threaten, tightening my grip on her arm._

"_But Daddy promised to take me – " she cries, trying to get away from me, but I don't let her._

"_Not when you're misbehaving. I give you one minute. Do you understand me?" I ask again. __She loves the circus. Another thing I don't get. __I know Richard promised to take her, but I also know he'll cancel it, should I tell him about her behaviour. Richard is always on my side._

"_Yes," she says grudgingly._

"_Yes, what?" I insist, but let go of her._

"_Yes, ma'am," she spits. I flash her a threatening look. She looks down. I continue to glare at her until she repeats her last sentence more calmly. _

"_Good," I say leaving her room._

_I hear her throwing herself onto her bed – another thing she shouldn't do, but I let it go – and crying in frustration._

* * *

"Mother, please. Promise me not to force her. If you want her in any way to enjoy it, don't force her," she practically pleads with me. I wonder if she remembered the same scene. In the end she did curtsy, but you could tell she only did it by force. I had to flash her several of my death glares. Some years later she outright refused to curtsy. Not even punishment could change her mind. Circus wasn't that popular anymore and she sneaked out of the house whenever she wanted to anyway when being grounded. I look at my daughter again. She knows very well she already allowed Rory to go with me, she can't just take it back. Today curtsying is even less an issue than in Lorelai's days, though some girls still do it at the grandmother tea, given the old ladies that are present and the tradition this event follows. I'd love for Rory to be one of those polite girls. But then do I want her to run away from me as well? "Mom – "

"All right. I promise," I say.


	28. Preparations

_Thanks so much for all the motivating reviews. __They are a reminder not to forget about this story, despite my busy life. I'm really sorry updates are taking so long now. I hope you still enjoy it._

**Chapter 28: Preparations**

„I'm sorry, I'm late," I greet my husband, when arriving at home. "Rory wanted to show Lorelai the dresses and well, that took some time."

Richard is coming towards me, a gentle look on his face. He helps me out of my coat – 8 pm, it really got late, I have to tell Lilly to warm up dinner as soon as possible – and kisses my hair, before I can head to the kitchen. "Thanks for calling me, Emily. You were right, she is adorable," he says.

"She is, isn't she? I'm so glad she warmed up to you. She really enjoyed the reading. She even told Lorelai about it," I say a little proud.

"I'm sorry, I didn't support you. I – "

"It's all right, Richard," I say, putting my fingers on his mouth, looking up to him. "I understand. You just got to know her." We share a look. I slowly withdraw my fingers. "And thank you for going after her and talking to her," I add. He nods, before bending down to put a light kiss on my lips. "It really is time for dinner now," I say, going off to search for Lilly.

* * *

Richard is still in his study, finishing some important calls while I'm already upstairs in my pyjamas on my bed. I open the drawer of my nightstand and take Rory's drawing out of it. The fairies with the different colours. I have to smile at the memory. She's really a cute child. And while today I got a glimpse of her being really Lorelai's daughter, I'm still doting on her. And well if she'd always obey without any questions she wouldn't be a normal kid either. Though of course I'm glad that she didn't inherit Lorelai's need to question everything I say.

Lorelai. Her words are engraved in my mind. _"Don't force her."_ As much as I'd like to instruct Rory on the proper behaviour as Emily Gilmore's grandchild I come to the conclusion that I'll follow Lorelai's request. Not only because I'm afraid she'll cut us off again should she find out I'd go against her wishes, but because deep down I know that forcing Rory will drive her away. Lorelai was right with that. Though I never would admit that to anyone. I sigh. I won't force her. However maybe she won't have an issue with curtsying. Maybe she isn't like Lorelai but more like me. I never minded to curtsy. No harm can be done in mentioning this to her. After all Lorelai made me promise not to force her, I never promised not to talk about it at all. Maybe that's what she meant, but that's not my problem. Yes, I'll find a way to bring it up and maybe she won't refuse me. But as soon as she says no, I'll drop the subject.

Satisfied with my decision I take a look at the clock. Nearly midnight. I wonder how long Richard will work tonight. I put the drawing into my nightstand again, turn out the light and settle into my pillows, waiting for my husband, but drifting off to sleep, before I hear him coming upstairs.

* * *

The kindergarten isn't hard to find. When I arrive the kids are outside, playing in the sandbox. I'd consider the weather a bit cold, but well, this town seems a little strange. I saw some rather chubby woman taking a cat for a walk. And the cat wasn't even walking but in a little wagon.

"Grandma!" Rory shouts, as soon as she sees me. She comes running towards me, her hands all covered in sand.

"Rory, wait a minute," I say, keeping her at arms lengths, pulling out my handkerchief and cleaning her as far as possible. I notice her strange look, but honestly this sand won't be all over my costume. After finishing I allow her to hug me. "Hello Rory, I'm so happy to spend the day with you," I whisper into her ear and get a smile in return.

"Grandma, I have to show you everything. My friend Lane, and my place and everything," she says excitedly and drags me with her. "Lane, Lane, look who's here, my grandma," she says, stopping in front of an Asian girl. I didn't know about that. Well, she seems shy and polite.

"Hello, Mrs. Gilmore," she greets me.

"Hello, Lane," I reply. "Rory told me a lot about you. I'm glad to hear she has a nice friend here," I add. When the girls want to show me more of the place, the kindergarten teacher finally shows up. A nice looking girl accompanied by a rather strange looking boy.

"Kirk, I told you, the toys are for the kids, we're here to watch them," she says exasperatedly.

"And to play with them," he objects.

"Yes. When the toys are made for adults as well. But if you sit on a swing clearly made for four-year-olds, it's not surprising it's crashing. Same with the rocking horse. You will have to pay for those," the young woman continues.

A rocking horse? The man sat on a rocking horse and destroyed it? Is Lorelai sure this is the right place for her daughter? But looking at Rory and Lane, I can see those two clearly giggling at the exchange taking place just a few meters from us.

"It's not fair I have to pay for it, the insurance should cover it," the man whines.

"Kirk!" the woman shouts, before looking into my direction and stopping abruptly. She comes towards us. "You must be Mrs. Gilmore. Lorelai told me you'd get Rory today. I'm Lulu, so sorry you had to witness that," she apologizes.

"Yes, well – " I say, still unsure what to think of the young man.

"Come Grandma, I want to show you my place," Rory repeats.

After the tour through the kindergarten I decide that maybe the place isn't so bad after all. Lulu seems very nice and Kirk – well, the kids think he's funny. Though I still think I should mention him to Lorelai.

* * *

On the ride to our house Rory is very chatty. I'm glad that she's in such a good mood and clearly looking forward to spending the day with me. Though when talk of the tea comes up I also hear some shyness and maybe even fear in her voice. But I assure her that everything will work out fine and she goes back to chatting about this new game Lane and she invented again. I'm really glad I got to know her best friend. It's nice to have a face in mind whenever she's talking about her.

I'm also glad Lorelai obliged to my request and dressed her in a blouse. This way nothing destroys the wonderful curls my hairdresser makes Rory. When she's whining a little, because it hurts, I tell her how beautiful she'll look when it's all done and hand her a mirror so she can watch the result so far. This makes her endure the procedure without further complains. When she's all done she looks like an angel. Well, with the white dress she surely will.

"Can we go look for the fairies now, Grandma?" she asks me.

It's hard to resist her look, but the wind outside convinces me to refuse her. Her hairdo would be all messed up otherwise. "I'm sorry, Rory, but the wind would destroy your hair," I decline her.

"But you promised me, we would have a look at them," she says stubbornly.

"We'll take a look when we come home – after the tea, okay?"

"Hmm… why can't my hair be normal?"

"But you liked it. You look like a princess," I exclaim.

"Yes, I do like it. But it's stupid when I can't play," she states. "What about the games at the tea? Can I play them?"

"Of course you can," I assure her, but that only makes her look sceptical as well. Maybe she wonders about the kind of games and if they can be fun at all, when nothing gets messy. I'm asking myself if Lorelai told her more things about DAR events. "You know what? Sometimes the fairies dance in front of the kitchen window – do you think we should take a look?" She nods and we go downstairs. I sit her down on the counter, so that she can look outside. Just when I want to announce the fairies did in fact arrive she turns to me.

"It's not the same. I guess I'll wait for after the tea," she sighs. I nod, helping her down again.

I look at her. It's now or never. When I don't ask her now I never will. I'm not sure if she'll do it – not being able to watch her beloved fairies took her down a peg or two. "Rory," I say, looking seriously at her and taking her hand, "I'm very happy you'll accompany me today."

"I like being with you," she says genuinely. I'm hopeful again.

"Do you think you could do me another favour?" I ask her.

"Sure," she replies, and I realize that it was a little mean to start this way. She's an innocent child, she doesn't even know to what she agreed. Of course she wants to please me, being the nice girl she is.

"You know, when I was your age and went to this tea with my grandmother – and other events like that – we had a special way to greet the other ladies. We would curtsy and address them as _ma'am_. It's not so common today anymore, but some children still greet the old ladies this way – especially on occasions as the grandmother tea. Do you think you could be one of these girls?"

She looks as if she's thinking about it. "Addressing them as _ma'am_? Sure," she says.

"Yes – and the curtsying? Do you think you could do that as well?"

"What is curtsying?" she asks, and I finally understand her strange look.

"It's bending your knees a little. I'll show you," I say, positioning myself in front of her to perform a little curtsy. "See? So when another lady shows up, I'd introduce you as my granddaughter and when she greets you, you'd take her hand, curtsy and say something like _It's nice to meet you, ma'am,"_ I say. She looks at me, saying nothing. I remember Lorelai and quickly add, "But only if you want to do it. If not that's fine as well."

„I'd do it, but I'm afraid I'll do it wrong. I never did this before," she says.

"Do you want to practise a little and decide then?" I offer. She nods. I show her again and she slowly repeats me. A little unsteady, but not bad for a first try. "Well, Rory that was quite good considering it was your first time. Try again," I encourage her and she gets better every time. After a while Lilly comes in.

"Are you practising to curtsy?" she asks.

Rory nods. "Can you do that as well?"

"Sure, I sometimes do it in front of your grandmother," Lilly says.

"You do? Why? Because she's old?" Rory asks, and Lilly and I can't but laugh.

"No, because I want to show her my respect. She did a lot of good things for me and Becky," she explains to Rory, and I give her a warm look before focusing on Rory again.

"Oh – grandma asked me to do it in front of the old ladies – but they didn't do anything for mom or me," Rory says. I have to interfere now – not that she gets a completely wrong picture here.

"Rory, it is right, that the curtsying today is because we want to show respect to the elder ladies, because of everything they achieved in their life. Everything they did."

"So they did many good things as well? Like you?"

Her question caught me off guard. Did I do so many good things? Lorelai clearly wouldn't think so. "They did good things, yes. They deserve respect. So what do you think? Will you do it? It's your decision, Rory. If you don't want to, that's okay. As I said, not every girl will do it anyway."

"But you want me to be one of the respectful girls, do you?"

"Not to curtsy doesn't mean you're disrespectful. However, yes, I'd like for you to do it, but I won't force you. It's your decision," I say again.

"Can we practise again – like everything? What I have to do and what to say? You can be one of the old ladies and Lilly can play you?"

And that's what we do. It's delightful to watch her. She's perfect. Perfect little curtsies combined with polite phrases like _It's nice to meet you, It's my pleasure _etc. When she wears her white dress and we practise a last time I can't but think that she's the perfect little angel, the way I always pictured it. But another thought comes into mind, that it's too perfect. That she's behaving like a doll and that maybe this comes with a price. That maybe I don't want a trained granddaughter after all. That I don't want her to lose her childlike behaviour. The Rory who believes in fairies and is giggling with her friend about some strange behaving man – though I know these things are not necessarily a contradiction. Or that Lorelai will be mad as hell when she finds out.


	29. The Tea

_To those who reviewed – thanks so much. __It's great to know your thoughts. To those who just added my story to story alert – is it really that difficult to tell me shortly why you did this? It's just frustrating to get mail from ff, thinking you have a review and just the stupid "your story has been added" message appears. To the ones only reading this – I'm interested in your opinion as well._

_Now on to the chapter some of you have waited for so long and which I guess took me so long to write, since I never knew how exactly it would play out.__ I hope you like it._

**Chapter 29: The T****ea**

"It's a pleasure to meet you. It's nice to meet you, ma'am," I hear my granddaughter mumbling the polite phrases on her back seat. Looking into the rear mirror, I can see her chewing on her lip.

"Don't be nervous, Rory. I'm sure everything will be fine," I assure her. She nods slightly, but not very convincingly. "You look like an angel, everyone will love you," I try again.

"I just want to do it right," she replies.

"And you will, don't worry. You know we'll be the first to be there. So you can get to know the area." She nods once more. A minute later she starts with the phrases again. I feel guilty for putting so much pressure onto her.

When I help her out of her car seat I take her tiny hand into mine and look into her blue eyes. "Rory?"

"Yes, Grandma?"

"You always can decide to stop with the curtsying if you feel uncomfortable. I want you to enjoy this, too. Do you understand me?"

"And you wouldn't be mad, if I didn't?" she asks, not completely convinced.

I shake my head. "No, I wouldn't be mad at you. I'm happy already that you're here with me," I say, helping her to step out of the car.

"But you want me to do it, right?" she asks again, with her big blue eyes. And I can't deny it. It would be my dream come true – only one generation late.

"It would be nice, yes, but you decide," I finally say.

"In front of the old ones, right?" she asks me one more time. I nod, and she practises again on the parking lot.

"You're perfect, Rory. Nothing will go wrong. And now let's check if the caterers did their job," I say, taking her hand and going inside with her.

* * *

The decoration and food seem fine so far - who would've thought. Natalie is the first to arrive. She's a few years older than me and married even younger than I did, her daughter imitated her and so it happens that she has grandchildren already as well. She comes onto the patio with her granddaughter Jane, who's a year older than Rory, following her.

"Everything looks lovely, Emily. You've outdone yourself as usual," she greets me. "And is that – "

"Natalie, this is my granddaughter Rory," I say proudly, putting my hand on Rory's back to guide and calm her. "And Rory, this is Natalie Swope, a good friend of mine," I say to Rory. And even though Natalie isn't one of the real old ladies, I guess she seems old enough to Rory, since she performs the perfect curtsy.

"It's nice to meet you, ma'am," she says.

"Oh, aren't you sweet," Natalie says, kneeling down in front of Rory. "You look just like your mother did, when she was your age," she says to a beaming Rory, but the mentioning of Lorelai gives me a little sting. I'd rather not think of her right now. I'll have to deal with my daughter soon enough.

"And this is my granddaughter Jane," Natalie says, standing up again and introducing us. "Jane, this is Emily Gilmore, the lady who's responsible for all of this," she says, winking at me. Natalie likes to come up with some names for me, but gladly she's now distracted by her granddaughter. After Rory's performance, Jane looks a little irritated at me, but decides to skip the curtsy and just greets me in a very polite manner. She wears a pink dress and has blonde curls. I have to admit that she looks adorable as well – though my Rory is of course prettier. "Why don't you show Rory around, Jane?" Natalie suggests, after the greeting is over. Rory looks up at me and I nod at her. The two girls head off.

"She's a lovely girl, Emily," Natalie says to me. Natalie was always more than only a DAR lady - almost a friend.

"Thank you," I reply proudly.

"So you and Lorelai…" another twitch in my heart. I sigh and look at Natalie.

"We're in contact again, yes," I answer her unspoken question.

"Well, more than contact I'd say. She hated all of this. She does know you took Rory here, does she?" she inquires.

"Of course she does," I reply curtly.

Natalie puts her hand on my arm. "That's good. I'm happy for you Emily. You deserve it." I'm close to tearing up.

"Yes, well… Why isn't there any music playing? I specifically requested _Beethoven_ to be played in the background. Really if you don't press the button yourself, nothing is working as it should," I say, walking briskly away to get the music started. I literally can feel her shaking head and caring eyes on my back.

* * *

Everything works out fine so far. I got the musicians to play decent classical music. Rory seems to have found a friend in Jane and she's just perfect in greeting the other ladies. Everyone praises her. I'm in heaven. Her table manners aren't perfect, but well, she's only four and there was no way to practise that as well. After the tea she tugs on my skirt. I look down at her.

"Grandma, when will the games be?" she asks me.

"They'll start soon," I reply. Some minutes later I announce that the colouring competition will start any second. Rory participates, but I guess she had other games in mind. She looks a little bored. Observing her, I think the only time she really has some fun is when Jane and her tie their legs together for a special running game. They get the 2nd place.

"Grandma, did you see us? We were the 2nd to come in. And the first ones were much older so it wasn't really fair," she announces, running towards me.

"Yes, I saw you, Sweetheart. You were very good," I reply, trying to put her hair back into place. That's why I'm against these wild games. It destroys the perfect appearance. Rory looks slightly annoyed, but doesn't say anything.

"What's next Grandma?" she wants to know.

"A story," I answer.

"What kind of story?" she asks, eyeing me suspiciously.

"The oldest lady will tell you from her youth. When she was a child. That way we never forget about the past," I explain. Rory nods. I take her hand and we get to our seats. At first she seems interested, but even I have to admit that this part goes on for a little long. Rosa never learned to cut a story short. After thirty minutes Rory yawns. I quickly pull her to me. "Hand in front of your mouth," I whisper to her, and she gives me a startled look. Before she can say anything I put my hand on her mouth. She wants to push it away, but my look silences her. After some seconds I take it away. A little while later, Rory leans against me sleepily and I embrace her, caressing her shoulder a little. Much better than fighting. When Rosa finally finished and everyone is applauding, Rory looks up at me again.

"Can we go home now, Grandma?" she says, quickly hiding another yawn. I'm quite impressed at how fast she's learning, especially when being tired.

"Soon." I say.

"When exactly?"

"Rory, I organized this tea. I have to stay until everyone is gone," I say, seeing a panicked look. "But that will be soon, since it's practically over now," I add quickly.

"I'm tired," she complains.

"I know, Sweetheart. I'm sorry, it was a long day." My promise to Lorelai comes into mind. That she wanted for Rory to wait in the car. But I don't want to leave her in the car. If something would happen to her…

"Grandma – " she whines.

"Rory," I hiss, more sharply than I intended. I see her eyes getting watery and curse myself. I kneel down in front of her. "Please, Rory. Just go sit somewhere I'll try to be quick."

"Rory, do you want to come to the teeter-totter with Jane?" Natalie asks. I send her a grateful look.

"Yes, why don't you go with them? I'm sure when you come back I'll be nearly done," I say, caressing her cheek. Rory goes with them.

I'm relieved when I look outside the window to see that she has fun with Natalie and Jane. I do feel a little guilty for leaving her with them though. Finally everyone is gone and Rory and I are driving home.

"Can we go see the fairies now, Grandma?" Rory sleepily asks me.

"But aren't you too tired, dear?"

"No. You promised," she reminds me.

"I know. We'll go see them now."

And that's what we do. It's hard to admit for me, but this is the real fun. The tea was nice, Rory was perfect, I loved to show her off, but watching her now, talking to some imaginary fairy in my garden, trying to hide her sleepiness – this is the moment I love most about this day. Just watching her and playing with her. After a long while I can't put it off any longer.

"Come on, Sweetheart. We'll have to get you changed and then I'll drive you to your mother," I say to her.

"Why do I have to change? Can't I go as I am? I'll only go to bed when I'm home anyways. I won't play in the dress, I promise Grandma."

I look at her. My princess Rory - granted a little dishevelled now, but Lorelai would still get the picture of how she looked. But looking into her sleepy eyes, I give in. The curls wouldn't go totally away anyway and why torturing her in brushing them out.

"All right. Then let's go," I say, taking her hand. I can already see a "but" in her eyes, despite her being tired, so I quickly add, "Thanksgiving will be soon. Then you can visit them again." She nods.

"Grandma, can you carry me to the car?" she asks me. I'm about to say that she's old enough to walk - tired or not – but then I'm thinking off all the years where I wasn't allowed to carry her. Where I would've given anything to feel her little head on my shoulder. So I stretch out my arms and pick her up. She leans against me immediately, entwines her legs around my waist and I can't even begin to describe how good this feels. Her soft, warm cheek against mine.

"Thank you for spending the day with me, Rory," I whisper into her hair.

"I love you, Grandma," she mumbles back sleepily.

_I love you._ I don't even know when I've heard those words the last time except from Richard. It's a long time ago. But it feels marvellous. To be loved unconditionally by this little person. Yes, she liked Jane and she had a little fun at the tea, but I know she did it all for me. "I love you too, Sweetheart," I say, gently placing her into the car seat.


	30. Thanksgiving I

_I'm overwhelmed reading your reviews. I think especially since I wasn't completely satisfied with the last chapter, though then decided to post it nonetheless, since I didn't know exactly what to change either and it's just great to know that you loved it. Anyway those reviews put me in such a writing mood that I forgot about work today and wrote the next chapter immediately__. An event some of you are waiting for a long time as well – Thanksgiving. _

**Chapter 30: ****Thanksgiving I**

When I arrive at the inn Rory is asleep. Lorelai is already waiting for us. She peeks into the car, seeing her sleeping daughter before I'm out of the car. As soon as I get to her she gives me her look.

"So, seems she's completely worn-out." Before I can decide how to react to that remark she takes a closer look at her. "Oh, my, she does look like Snow-whites daughter – if the prince was a blonde," she says sarcastically.

"Lorelai, please," I reply, rolling my eyes inwardly. She sighs.

"Then I guess I'll get her out of the car," she says, carefully opening the seat-belt and carrying her outside. Rory just mumbles a "Mom," before she leans onto Lorelai like she did with me thirty minutes ago. "I should get her into bed, Mother. We'll see each other on Thanksgiving," she says to me, and I get the hint that she wants me to go. Well I had Rory the whole day, I shouldn't complain. Lorelai is already going towards the inn, when I stop her.

"Lorelai?" She turns around. "Thank you." She nods.

"So everything went fine?" she asks me.

"It did." We share a look, neither really knowing what to say. I guess we're both thinking of our DAR experiences and that practically none of it went fine. Something was always off.

"Mother, I really should – " she starts after some time.

"I know. Get her to bed," I interrupt her.

* * *

"Emily, just sit down," Richard scolds me. "Everything looks lovely," he adds. I sigh.

"I want tonight to be perfect. It's the first time we're celebrating Thanksgiving together since – "

"I know," my husband says. "But the roses being one millimetre to the right or left won't change the outcome of this evening. You're just making everyone nervous. Even Becky," he finishes. My head shoots up.

"What do you mean '_even Becky'_," I snap.

"Don't be angry, but I think she's unusually whiny today. And you running through the house as if you've lost your head, making everyone nervous, could be the reason. You know I've read an article in the _New York Times_ saying that babies pick up easily on stress," he lectures.

"Since when are you a baby expert," I mumble, walking away to push the fork a little up.

"Emily," he says, taking my arm.

"Richard," I hiss, turning around to glare at him. He steps a little back. I sigh. "I'm sorry." He takes my hand, dragging me with him. "Richard! Richard, what do you think you're doing?" I inquire. In the foyer he hands me my poncho.

"I'm taking you for a walk. Fresh air will be good for you. It's still an hour before they'll arrive," he says, before I can object to this. Still I'm not convinced. "Please, Emily. Just for some minutes."

I turn around. "Lilly!" I cry out. She appears on top of the stairs.

"Yes, ma'am?"

"We're going for a walk. We'll be back _soon_," I say, emphasizing the last word.

"Okay," she replies, before Richard leads me out the door.

"And now take a deep breath," Richard says to me.

"Richard, please, I'm not a child nor sick or anything," I counter. I take the deep breath nonetheless. He puts his strong arm around my shoulder and I lean against him.

"Around the block or the garden?" he asks me.

"The garden," I reply. I don't want to be seen right now. We walk a little in silence. He was right the fresh air does calm me.

"Still nervous?" he asks me after some time. I look down at the leaves we're going through - red, yellow, green and brown. Yes, I am still nervous. I'm not sure what Rory told Lorelai about the tea, if she'll be mad about the curtsying. Sure I didn't force Rory, but still. I didn't tell Richard about this though. I think I just hope that for some reason she'll let it go – if she knows about it. But she will. My worst fear is that they won't even show up. I sigh again. „Aw, Emily. I'm sure it will go fine. She agreed to come. You said you had a nice talk with her. I'm sure she wants this to work out as well. At least for Rory," Richard says. Rory. Yes, we have to make this work at least for her.

"Do you think we'll see her after today?" I ask him. He looks at me startled. "I mean if today doesn't go well, I'm not so sure of it," I admit my fear.

"But it will," he assures me. I'm asking myself if he really is that certain or if he's just putting on a mask to calm me.

"I hope so," I mumble. He stops and turns my face towards him. Then he slowly bends down to kiss me. The best way to reassure me. It's a long soft kiss. When we break it I lean my head onto his chest and he caresses my hair.

"Calmer now?"

"Yes," I reply. And it's true. „Thank you."

„Then I guess we should practise _Sleeping Beauty_ a little," he says jokingly, and I laugh with him. It's good to feel a little easier. Slowly we're walking back to the house.

* * *

"Mrs. Gilmore?" Lilly says, coming towards me.

"Yes?"

"About today…"

I look at her intensely. "Yes? What about today?"

"It's just – I want to say that's it's no problem for me to eat with Hannah in the kitchen. Becky and me, we don't have to be at the table," she says.

"Nonsense," I reply. "We already talked about this. You'll eat with us," I state. She nods.

"It's just, when you have the feeling I shouldn't be there anymore, you can say so. I mean, I don't want to be in the way. It's no problem at all. I mean, Lorelai will be coming here the first time to celebrate and I don't want to ruin it," she rambles. "What I really want to say is that when you'll say anything to me today, I'll do it immediately. No questions asked. Promised," she finishes.

"That's a very nice offer. Still I don't think it's necessary. Becky is my godchild. I want the two of you to be with us. Especially since… do you miss your family?" I finally ask her what I wanted to know all day. I didn't dare to get in contact with her family again, but I can imagine how she feels. I know it all too well. Lilly looks down. After a while she takes a breath.

"Becky is my family now. Excuse me, please," she says, going upstairs again. I curse myself for bringing it up. I should've known better. Some minutes later I follow her, knocking at her door. "Come in," she says.

"Lilly, I shouldn't have –"

"It's all right. I'm grateful to be here," she smiles at me. Such a brave young girl. I can't but feel protective of them.

"You look lovely," I say. She's wearing the dress I bought her for the christening. "Both of you do."

"Thanks," she smiles at me. Yet I see the sadness in her eyes.

* * *

The doorbell rings. They're here – finally. It seemed like every second was as long as a minute and every minute turned into an hour today. I go to the door to open it myself. Somehow I have the feeling that's better than sending Lilly to greet Lorelai and I just have to know how she's feeling.

"Grandma," Rory literally jumps into my arms. "Happy Thanksgiving."

"Happy Thanksgiving," I say to her, bending down to kiss her cheek. Looking up at Lorelai my mood sinks a little. It's one of those days where I can't read her at all. "Happy Thanksgiving to you, too," I say a little tentatively.

"Happy Thanksgiving, Mother," she says curtly. Or am I only imagining this?

"Please come in and give me your coats," I say. When Lorelai hands me hers I look at her. "Thank you for coming," I say, and she nods. I hate myself for it, but my feeling doesn't get any better.

"Grandpa," Rory shouts out. "Happy Thanksgiving."

I have to smile at the repeat. She sure does love us. Maybe Lorelai only came for her. "Happy Thanksgiving my little princess," Richard winks at her. He then looks up at Lorelai as well. "Happy Thanksgiving, Lorelai," he says to her, and I hear that he's a little unsure. Only then I notice that for him it's the first time to see her in a long time. Now I know it was only a mask I saw the whole day. How could I've been so self-absorbed?

"Happy Thanksgiving, Dad," Lorelai greets him. Dad. I'm _Mother_ and he's _Dad_. She's mad at me, I know it. That or I'm paranoid by now. Both are possible.

"Can we read _Sleeping Beauty _now?" Rory tugs at my skirt. I'm pleased to see that she's wearing one of the dresses I bought her. Even Lorelai looks half-decent. The neckline is a little too low and the skirt a little too short for my taste, but I swallow those remarks.

"_May_ we read," Lorelai corrects her. "And be patient, we're not even here for a minute."

"We'll read it soon," I promise her. And we will. Before dinner. Because I still have this strange feeling and I want to keep my promise. I look at both my girls. I never would've thought that Lorelai would correct her like that, to be honest, she sounds like me, but then Rory doesn't seem to mind. And I have to admit that she's raised well, so maybe Lorelai does pay attention to these things, even when I'm not around.

Lilly descends the stairs with Becky on her arms. "Happy Thanksgiving Lorelai, Rory," she greets them. They both greet her back. Rory happily, Lorelai more distant. Rory immediately goes for Becky. I invite everyone into the living-room for drinks. The atmosphere is slightly awkward and I'm relieved when Rory tries it again, a cautious look to her mother.

"May we read it now, Grandma?"

"Of course. Look, I even laid the book out – it's over there," I say, pointing to a table nearby. Rory goes and gets it. She settles down between Richard and me. "So – where were we?"

"Where the raven saw the magic," Rory says. I seem to remember that we were even a little more along.

"Really? Weren't we already reading the fight?" I ask her.

She blushes. Then she nods. "But you were so funny there and I thought maybe we could read the whole fight again? Please?" she says, finally looking up at us.

"Of course we can do that," Richard says. And that's what we do. I take the fairies, Richard all male parts plus the mean Maleficent and her raven and Rory is Aurora – who hasn't much to do, right now. She's giggling at our voices. Lorelai is watching us from afar, a strange look in her eyes.

"Grandma? Can't you read the raven as well?" Rory asks me. "It would be funnier when he's talking to Maleficent."

"You want me to be the raven?" I croak, and she's laughing again. So I'm the raven now as well.

Sadly all good things come to an end and the book is over soon enough. Luckily Hannah informs us that the turkey is ready, before the awkwardness can come up again. We're all going to the table. Rory is happily chatting about kindergarten and I'm grateful for that. I'm close to ask Lorelai about her work, but honestly I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear how she's throwing all the opportunities away we could give her. I'm calling out for Hannah to bring us more wine. She's not coming and I'm getting impatient.

"I'll get it," Lilly offers.

"That's not necessa -"

"I don't mind," she says, going to pick up the bottle of wine and offering everyone some more. I guess she needs something to do as well.

Another silence. Lilly and Lorelai aren't exactly talking. I think Lilly doesn't dare to say much and Lorelai – well, I guess she's still a little jealous.

"And everything is going ok for you, Lorelai?" Richard suddenly asks her. She looks a little surprised at him – as do we all I guess since he was quiet for some time.

"Yeah, thanks Dad. I'm doing fine," she replies, and he nods.

"Good. Cause you know if you'd need anything – "

"I know. I don't need anything."

More silence. I look at Rory, who's sitting next to me and remember her not so perfect table manners. She's sitting a little slumped again. "Sit straight, Rory," I admonish her softly, putting my hand shortly on her back. She immediately sits up.

"Mother, can you please refrain from that," Lorelai snaps at me.

"From what? Showing her correct table manners?" I ask.

"From forming her into your ideal little lady. I've had enough of this," she spats.

"What do you mean?" I'm really not sure if she's only referring to this incident or the tea.

"What you couldn't accomplish with me, you're putting on her now. I don't want that, Mother and you know it. Yet I let her go with you to the tea. Because you said she'd deserve some time with her grandmother," she snaps at Lilly. "But no, you had to do it your way again," she turns back to me now. "You promised – "

"And I kept the promise," I chime in.

"Sure," she grunts.

"Lorelai, Emily," Richard says firmly, looking at a helpless and timid Rory.

"Come Rory, I'll show you some of Becky's toys," Lilly says, standing up and stretching her hand out for Rory to take.

"Don't you dare taking my kid away as well," Lorelai cries out, and Lilly steps back.

"Lorelai, be reasonable. This isn't anything Rory should witness," he states. "Come Rory, we'll go with Lilly and Becky," he adds, picking her up.

"Mommy," Rory says, looking helplessly at her mother, and I can see Lorelai getting up to get her back, but Richard is faster.

"Your mom and your grandma have something to talk about. We'll be back soon." The look he gives Lorelai silences her. Richard always had an aura, where even Lorelai wouldn't object anymore. I give Richard a pleading look, because I know that Lorelai and I alone in one room will only lead to disaster. But I agree that Rory comes first. And she surely shouldn't witness this. Richard gives my shoulder a soft touch, before I'm alone with my daughter.


	31. Thanksgiving II

_Thanks for the reviews. I did not know it's Thanksgiving in Canada – how fitting. This will be my last quick update – but I couldn't let you hang there too long – because my vacation sadly is over now. As always I'm interested in your thoughts – they make me not forget about this story._

**Chapter 31: Thanksgiving II**

"I kept my promise, Lorelai," I say, trying not to yell.

"You made her curtsy you know how much I hated that," she screams, standing before me.

"Correct – you," I point at her. "Not Rory. Don't you see she's different from you Lorelai? I asked her to do it, but only if she wanted to. I didn't force her," I scream back, also standing by now.

"No, because you didn't have to. Rory would do anything to please the people around her," Lorelai retorts, pacing.

"Like I said, she's different from you. Her life-goal isn't to make me miserable," I cry out, and even if I don't want to admit it, I see a hurt look on her face now. We're quiet for some seconds.

"Mother, curtsying is old-fashioned," she replies finally, and I can see her trying to keep herself in check. "I asked Rory, most of the other kids didn't do it. I don't want you to turn her into a puppet. And if you can't accept that, she won't come with you again anymore."

There she said it. My worst fear. Won't I see her ever again or is she only referring to DAR meetings? "To get that clear, my girl, I kept my promise," I say, standing up straight. "I didn't force her, that's all I promised. You didn't specifically say _no curtsying_. And if you're questioning her, you can ask her that just as well. I told her several times that she doesn't have to do it, if she wasn't comfortable. I know she did it for me, because she's a sweet girl. Because she cares about me. Why do my feelings never count to you? What I want couldn't matter less to you – "

"Whoa, you don't care," she bursts out. "What I wanted never counted in this house. It was all about you and appearance. Don't turn this around, Mother. I had to do what you wanted or I was punished – "

"- still you didn't do it and you sneaked out when being grounded."

We're both yelling at each other and close to tears now. "Yes, to get away from this madhouse. Because _your_ life-goal was to make me miserable," she yells, and now I'm taken aback and hurt. Richard comes back.

"Everyone can hear you," he says sadly.

"Not anymore, I won't take this anymore," I say angrily, going to the stairs to get into my room.

"Emily – " he tries.

"No, Richard. I don't know why I even thought this would be a good idea," I snap, before running upstairs. I don't want to cry before being in my room.

"Lorelai – " I hear Richard say.

"No, Dad. It's always the same with her," she says equally upset.

Sure. Back at ya. I slam the door of my room and finally the tears spill over. I knew it wouldn't go over well. I had a bad feeling all day. How dare she speak to me like that? Her own mother. She has no respect at all for me. And the worst is that Rory witnessed this. At least the beginning and I'm sure she heard the rest.

Even though I think that Lorelai is more at fault, I feel guilty because of Rory. I so wanted to avoid such a situation. Slowly I'm calming down and the tears stop. But then I hear someone else crying – Rory. I feel a lump in my throat. Please not. But it's there. Quietly I open the door and it's confirmed. My little angel granddaughter is sobbing.

"Can't I say goodbye to Grandma?" she asks – I guess – Lorelai.

"Honey, Grandma went upstairs. I don't think she wants to see anyone," Lorelai replies.

Well that's what you'd prefer, right? To take her away, no goodbye at all, just like you did the last time. No way. I quickly wipe away the tears and go to the banister. "Just a moment Rory. I'll come to you in a minute," I say, seeing her looking upstairs and trying to stop the crying. I try to get the tears out of my face as far as I'm able to, but I guess Lorelai will see them anyway. But I don't care right now. Right now all I care about is Rory. She shouldn't feel bad because of us. I slowly descend the stairs. Rory is standing at the bottom, Lorelai a little away at the door. Where else could she be. Always at the point from where to flee best. Richard is between them. When I reach the bottom I kneel down in front of Rory.

"Mom says, we're leaving," she says with quivering lips.

"I know, Sweetie. Thank you for saying goodbye to me," I say, hugging her to me. I try to hold on to that feeling – who knows when I'll be able to hug her again.

"I'm sorry, Grandma," she whispers into my hair.

I pull back, wipe her tears away and take her face into my hands. "Rory, look at me," I say, and she obeys. "What happened today between your mother and me is not your fault. Do you believe that?" She looks at me intently.

"But you said my name," she objects cautiously.

"Because that's the one point where we agreed. That you're the sweetest girl," I say, and even though I swore to myself not to look at my daughter I do so in this moment. We have to assure Rory that it's not her fault. Lorelai seems to get it, since she takes a few steps towards us.

"That's right, hun. It's not your fault Grandma and I had a fight. What we said about you was that you are a good girl," she tries.

Rory doesn't seem convinced. I look at her again. "It's not your fault, Rory. You did everything right. You're the sweetest granddaughter I could wish for. Promise me, you believe that it's not your fault," I say again. She nods slightly. "Really?" I ask her again.

„I promise, Grandma," she says sadly, and I take a deep breath. I hope that's true.

"Come, Rory, we should go," Lorelai says, and my heart breaks. I don't dare to ask her to see Rory again.

"Can we say goodbye to the fairies?" Rory whispers into my ear.

How much I want to say yes, she can't even imagine, but I know that when I want to see her again it's best to give in to Lorelai now. Besides, I don't think we would reconcile today, even if we'd try. We hurt each other too much. "I think you can go through the garden on your way home. You should catch them there," I reply finally.

"But _you_ have to be there. I was in the garden with Lilly and they didn't come. I think they only come when you're around," she says, taking my hand. To hell with Lorelai. If fairies will make her smile again, she'll get her fairies.

"Then we'll go there," I say, standing up and going to the garden with Rory. To my surprise no one calls us back. We're going to the bush next to the hedge. A place the fairies love. After some time I turn towards my pensively looking granddaughter. "Can you see them already?" I ask her. She shakes her head. "But I'm sure they're here somewhere. They have to celebrate Thanksgiving as well, don't you think?" I say, trying to sound chipper. I guess nobody can imagine how hard this is for me. Going through the garden with her, not knowing when I'll see her again and trying to not make her sense my thoughts. "Maybe over there," I say, going towards the oak tree. "Maybe that's their place for celebrations." Standing under the tree, Rory looks up at the remaining leaves. Just when I'm about to say that I found Flora, Rory speaks up.

"They're not here, Grandma. Do you think I'll ever see them again?" she asks, with trembling lips and a tear rolling down her cheek. Oh Rory. You're having the same worries I have. I feel my eyes getting watery once more. Again I kneel down onto the leaves, hugging her to me. The same leaves I went through with Richard just a few hours ago. Where we were laughing about _Sleeping Beauty,_ trying to believe in the illusion that everything would go over well. "Yes, you will," I promise. And right there I swear to myself, that I'll do anything to keep it.

"Rory, hurry," I hear Lorelai calling from the patio. She seems agitated. I wonder if Richard tried to talk some sense into her. But she doesn't come over. Rory looks at me.

"I don't want to go, Grandma. I want to be able to see them again," she says.

"I know, Sweetie. But you have to go now. Otherwise your mother will be angry and we don't want that, right?" I say, noticing how weird that must sound to her, since Lorelai is angry right now because of me. But she doesn't say anything. I caress her hair and wipe her tears away again. She slowly stretches out her hand to wipe away the single tear I wasn't able to hold in. That little gesture is getting me close to more tears. "Come, Rory, be a good girl and go to your mother, now," I say, what I don't want to say.

"Won't you come with me?" she asks.

"No. It's better for me to stay here," I state.

"Can't you make up? Lane and I argued as well once, but then I went there to apologize and Lane apologized to me and now we're friends again," she says, looking at me with her sad blue eyes. If only it were that simple.

"It's more complicated with your mother and me," I reply.

"Why?"

"You're too little to understand," I answer lamely. But it's better not to burden her with our history.

"So you can't just say you're sorry?" she asks.

"Rory, now!" Lorelai shouts, and I close my eyes. It's hard not to hate her right now. Rory looks over at Lorelai. I stand up, shoving her in Lorelai's direction.

"I am sorry, Rory. I'm sorry that this was your Thanksgiving with us. It should've been better," I say, and stop. I won't go any further. "Go Rory," I manage to say, and finally she goes away. "Rory?" I call her back one last time, and she turns around again. "Tell your mother you want to come to see the fairies again. Tell her, maybe not today, but later," I advise her, hoping Lorelai will give in to her, when she's in a better mood. She nods, looking at me for a moment before going back to Lorelai.

I want to turn around, not to witness what's to come, but if she turns around again, I want her to see my face, so I remain standing under the tree. Lorelai takes Rory hand, - at least she doesn't seem angry with her - and Rory says something to her. Then they go inside. At the door Rory turns around one last time and waves at me. I wave back. As soon as they're gone I run deeper into the garden, crying silently. I stop behind the pool-house, sitting on some old stump. I don't care at all about my clothes. I take my face into my hands. How could it have gone all so wrong? How did it start? I don't know anymore. Well, yes. Me asking Rory to sit straight. What's wrong with that? How can Lorelai tick off because of something so innocent?

I don't know how long I've sat there until I finally hear the familiar strong footsteps next to me. They don't sound so strong right now though. The wind plays with my hair and the leaves. I can only hear it, because I don't dare to look at him. I ruined it – again. He sits down next to me, putting his arm around me. I'll never understand why he doesn't get mad at me. More tears are flowing. I know he knows that I'm crying because my body is shaking – I can do nothing to prevent that. He caresses my back, but doesn't say a thing. It's not necessary. There is nothing to say. Except – "I'm sorry, Richard," I finally manage to whisper. He hugs me to him, kissing my hair.


	32. Contemplating

_Okay, I did it – I squeezed in another chapter this weekend. Thanks as always for the reviews. And for the record – I did cry writing the last chapter – can't remember that happening before. So anyone who actually cried reading the last chapter? _

**Chapter 32: Contemplating**

"You'll catch a cold Emmy," he finally says. I don't know how long I've been sitting outside on the stump next to the pool-house. "Come," he says again, standing up and taking me with him. I let him lead myself back to the main house. It's all a blur to me.

_Because your life-goal was to make me miserable._

That's not true. She only said that because she wanted to yell something back. Because she wanted to hurt me the way I hurt her. It's not true. Or is it? No, it wasn't my life-goal. I only wanted the best for her. The best education, the best schools, the best social standing, the best start in life. She had it all. It certainly isn't true. But maybe she really believes it, and that's just as bad.

"Do you want to sit by the fireplace or go to bed?" Richard asks me. Despite the early hour I choose the bed. I want to end this horrible day as soon as possible. He understands. He always does. He puts his hand on my shoulder, turning me around, forcing me to look at him. "Do you want some alone time?" I think about it. I don't know. I don't want to talk about it, but to be alone? I shrug. I really don't know what I want right now and that's a state I hate. Usually I have everything under control, everything planned. Emily Gilmore always knows what she wants. "All right. I'll stay with you. If you want to be alone, just tell me," he adds, and I nod grateful at him.

_Her life-goal isn't to make me miserable_

I saw the hurt look right away. Did I go too far? Would she honestly deny this? Sometimes it really felt that she did things just to spite me. But maybe _life-goal_ was a little too far out there.

Why are we so complicated? Why can't she just like the things I like, the things every lady should like? What did go wrong? Where did I fail? I raised her the way my mother raised me, the only way I knew. Why can't she be like me? But then I knew she wasn't like me when the present she liked most for her sixth birthday was some ridiculous noise making toy her nanny got her. Not all the dresses and dolls I got her, but some five dollar gift. Even when I wanted to overlook it then, praising my gifts, showing her how beautiful they were I saw the look in her eyes. And deep down, I knew that something was wrong. That there was something I didn't understand and probably never will. The Nanny was fired the next day.

We pass Lilly's door and suddenly she comes to my mind again. I totally forgot about her. Richard seems to get my shocked look. "I'll go look after her if you want me to," he offers, and I accept. It would be too much for me right now, but someone should look after her. So Richard knocks on her door while I get into our bedroom.

Lilly and Lorelai. I think back a few hours. They were both at my table. Both looking so alike in appearance, but yet so different in behaviour. One always trying to please me, the other with a bad mood all along. One having a baby next to her, the other being the mother of my beloved grandchild. One being something more than my maid, the other being my daughter. One seeming to understand me, the other one not knowing me at all. Sadly it's exactly turned the wrong way. I sigh.

Maybe it's good we yelled at each other. Maybe it's good we both let it out. But no, it can't be good. She took Rory away again. Who knows when I'll see them the next time? It would only be good if we learn from it, if we make up, but we won't.

_So you can't just say you're sorry?_

What if I said I'm sorry? Would it have been as simple as with Lane? An apology and everything would be fine again? No, it's more complicated, but what if I wasn't so damn proud? What if I went to her, saying I'm sorry? What would have happened? Would she have apologized as well? Would we have talked? Even made up? Reconciled? Gotten a better relationship? I don't know. But it's a moot point. We're both too proud and stubborn to go that way.

Richard comes in. I ask him about Lilly. He says she looked a little white and sad, but played the brave one. I'll talk to her tomorrow.

* * *

"Richard?" I ask into the dark.

"Yes?"

"What did you say to Lorelai when I was in the garden with Rory?" It's what I thought about the whole time. Lorelai was upset when she came outside. Not that I blame Richard, but I want to know the reason.

"I tried to get her to talk to you in a decent manner. To stop yelling. To listen to you. I told her I'd ask you do to the same with her. But she didn't want to hear a word about it. I think I even upset her more. I'm sorry," he says. I roll over to him.

"Richard. It's not your fault. This whole evening is my fault – well my and Lorelai's, but certainly not yours," I reply. He puts his arm around me. I can hear him breathe. "It was the first time you saw her," I whisper after a while. He doesn't respond. "I'm sorry, Richard. I didn't think about that. I – "

"What's done is done. We can't change it Emily. We can only influence the future. Do you already know what you'll do?"

"No. I think I'll give her time to cool off," I say. I don't say that I'm too afraid to talk to her. Afraid to be rejected again. "I told Rory to ask her to come to us again. Maybe she'll give in to her," I add hopefully.

* * *

_I'm going down the mall a happily bouncing Rory next to me. I buy her ice-cream. Suddenly she gets a tantrum throwing the ice at me and my shoes are ruined. Looking up I see my 20-year old daughter standing in front of me. "You ruined my life!" she cries. I look around me. Lilly comes towards me with Becky on her arms. We're in our dining-room. She takes Rory's hand. "Don't you dare taking my kid away as well," Lorelai cries. I look at her, but she's leaving with Rory. "No," I cry. "Don't do this, Lorelai. Don't __you__ dare to take her away from me again. No!"_

"No!"

"Emily! What is it?" I look around me. It was a nightmare. Of course. I sink back into my pillows, Richard giving me a concerned look.

"It's nothing. Just a nightmare. I'm ok. I'm sorry I woke you up," I say.

"Don't worry about that," he dismisses it. "Are you sure you're ok?" he asks concerned.

"I'm fine, Richard. Don't you worry," I assure him, closing my eyes. He observes me a little more before I hear him settling into his sheets as well. Just when we're about to drift off to sleep again it hits me. "She's jealous," I say into the darkness.

"Hmm?" Richard grunts. I feel slightly guilty for keeping him from sleep, but I'm afraid I won't remember this anymore in the morning so I have to share it. "She's jealous, didn't you notice?"

"Who's jealous?" he asks puzzled.

"Well, granted I didn't notice it right away as well, but now I dreamed about it and now I realized that it wasn't a dream, it was what she said today," I ramble.

"Emily, please – "

"It's obvious Richard. Tonight at dinner when Lilly wanted to take Rory with her so she didn't have to witness the ugly scene which surely was to come, Lorelai said _Don't you dare taking my kid away as well. _And she said it to Lilly. _As well. _So she's referring to something that already happened. And what does Lilly have that she should have? This home. Us. Yes, she left, it was her decision, still she's jealous," I say a little triumphantly.

"And that means?" Richard asks, still being confused.

"At least it means that she still cares about us." And even though this doesn't have to mean anything it's a comforting thought. A comforting realization. Comforting enough to get some more sleep.

* * *

Richard is in his study already returning calls. Seems there's no Thanksgiving in Asia. I go into the dining-room, trying to avoid thinking of last night. The table is already set for breakfast. Grapefruit, juice, coffee, croissants, jam… When I sit down, Lilly comes in from the kitchen. Seems she also tries to avoid something. She doesn't look at me. I can hear Becky's gurgling noises from the kitchen. Lilly quietly takes my cup filling steaming coffee into it. "Thank you," I say, looking at her. She nods, not looking at me. "And good morning," I add.

"Good morning, Mrs. Gilmore," she replies, blushing, but still looking down. "Is there anything else I can get you, ma'am?" she asks me.

"No, thank you. You thought of everything," I answer. She retreats to the kitchen and I don't call her back. I need coffee first. And I need to think about the upcoming talk. I call her, when my cup is empty. She comes in, the coffee already in her hand. Really, even if she were only a maid, she'd be a good one. When she wants to leave again, I call her back. "Lilly?"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"Get yourself a cup of coffee and sit down," I say.

"But Becky – "

"Seems to be satisfied right now. Or just bring her here as well, whatever you want, but I want to talk to you," I state. Her face fells.

"Yes, ma'am," she says acquiescently. She comes back carrying another cup, pouring herself some coffee.

"Lilly – "

"I'm sorry," she cuts me off. I look at her, our eyes meeting for a second, before she looks down again. "I'm sorry," she repeats.

"For what?" I ask her. I can imagine, but I want to hear it from her. And yesterday certainly wasn't her fault. She did everything right.

"About yesterday," she answers.

"But yesterday wasn't your fault, Lilly. You did everything right. You even knew when to take Rory away, when to leave us alone. I want to thank you for that," I say.

"Yesterday wouldn't have happened if I didn't interfere. I went to Lorelai, I brought her here. I talked you into spending time with Rory… I thought you were different. I thought you could have what I don't. I thought I could reconcile you with your daughter, but I only made it worse. That wasn't my intention, honestly," she says, looking at me pleadingly.

"I know that Lilly," I say, slightly choking. "You didn't make it worse."

"Oh yes. You got to know Rory and now she's away again. I gave you hope and now it's destroyed – "

"Because of Lorelai and me. And I still hope that I'll see Rory again… soon," I add. I have to change the subject or I'll cry again. Don't think about Rory, Emily. Focus on Lilly. "I got many nice moments thanks to you and your interference. You brought us back together, but you didn't tell us to fight," I finish.

"No, but I didn't saw it coming. And I should know from experience that there's nothing you can do. But I got to know you and I thought so often if only my mother were more like you, but I guess I can't judge this. I shouldn't. I'm not Lorelai. I might have thought to know what she's thinking, but how can I? That's my mistake. Because of our similarities I thought I'd know her, but I don't. Not at all. I had no right to interfere and to hurt so many people. Especially Rory."

I put my hand onto hers. „Look at me, Lilly," I demand. She slowly obeys. "In the end it comes down to this. You had the best intentions and you got us to talk again. I got to know my granddaughter – at least starting to – and I still hope that this isn't over. Without you, none of this would've happened. Yes, we fought again, but that is not your fault. Or would you say it's my fault that the gardener got a bee-sting, because I planted the roses some time ago?" I look at her expectantly. She seems to be torn.

"No," she finally says.

"See? I set the foundation in planting the roses. They made some people happy who looked at them and their beauty. Then a bee comes along. Thomas shouldn't have slapped after her. It was his decision not to just walk away, but to 'fight' with the bee. He could've ignored the bee. He decided not to. It's not the roses or my fault the bee gave him a sting. Yet the bee probably wouldn't have been there without the roses. Do you understand?" I look at her intensely. She seems to get it.

"Yes, ma'am. Thank you," she says. And for the first time she really looks at me.

"And now give me a smile," I demand. She smiles at me. "That's better," I say, drinking more coffee.

"Still, if there's anything I can do…," she says.

"I'll let you know. Thank you," I reply.

Becky gets whiny and Lilly excuses herself. Being alone again my thoughts become darker. I'm glad that she doesn't feel guilty anymore, but I have to admit that I'm not as convinced as I told her about seeing Rory again soon. I really hope Lorelai will think of Rory and not of me when she makes her decision.


	33. Trying

_Thanks for all the reviews and the answers. And special thanks to new people discovering this fiction and taking the time to review nearly every chapter – that's amazing. As you've noticed I'm busier again. Not sure when the next update will be, but I hope you like this one._

**Chapter 33: Trying**

A week and nothing happened. I didn't dare to contact her in any way. The atmosphere around here isn't great either. I try to be cheerful around Lilly and Becky, but I guess Lilly sees right through it. She seems a little gloomy, too, but she's not referring to Lorelai, Rory or Thanksgiving in any way and I'm grateful for that. My only joy and the only moments where I can really forget about this mess is when Becky is smiling in her cute way at me or trying to say something, grabbing my fingers or anything else of these cute things babies do. It's nothing special or extraordinary, but coming from them you'd think the world changes around you. I noticed several times that Lilly was observing us. And I know that she sometimes lets me pick Becky up, even when she is around. I think she knows what Becky does to me and I'm grateful that she's giving me these opportunities.

Richard had to go out of town for a couple of days. The way he looked at me when he left I know that he was thinking of not going, but I couldn't let that happen so I put on my cheerful mask in front of him as well. I'm sure he saw through it, too, but at least it showed him that I'm not breaking apart. Now he's back and I'm glad for that.

I listen to his breathing while I'm lying awake, still thinking about Thanksgiving and how it changed my new found relationship with Lorelai. If we could even call it a relationship. Usually having Richard sleeping next to me puts me to sleep as well but not this time. And that's when I make my decision. Tomorrow I'll go to Lorelai. I swore to myself to fight for Rory and that's what I'll do. She had enough time to cool off. If she hasn't by now she never will. And if it goes over really bad Richard will be here to comfort me. Yes, it's decided, tomorrow I'll go there. What I'm going to say – I don't know. This is one talk I know even I can't plan.

* * *

I'm parking a little away from the inn for a while now, trying to find the courage to go in. It's late afternoon. I purposely picked a time where I knew Rory would be there. At least seeing her, talking to her would be worth to come here. And I'm right, she's coming outside with that woman right now. That woman. Every time I think of her it stings. Sure Lorelai told me that I wasn't replaced, that I'm her mother, but right now I'm not feeling any of that. Ever since I got the knowledge that someone – another woman – was there to take care of her I felt replaced, even more so than with the nannies. Yes, deep down I have to admit that sometimes I was jealous of them. That's why none of them stayed for long. But at least I was there, too back then – but now? Replacement – a bitter feeling that I felt early in my motherly life and that I guess will never go away. When that woman goes inside again I take a deep breath and get out of the car. Now I at least can have a little time with Rory.

"Grandma!" she cries out, quickly covering her mouth with her hand and looking around her. So I guess Lorelai is still mad. When no one is coming outside Rory runs to me. I kneel down to hug her.

"Rory, I missed you, Sweetie," I say, pressing her to me.

"I missed you, too, Grandma," she answers.

I step back a little to look at her. "You look beautiful," I say, and she smiles slightly. But it's a sad smile.

"I did as you told me to," she nearly whispers. "I asked her to visit you, but she said no," she says sadly. I close my eyes for a second. I had hoped that Rory didn't dare to ask, that this was the reason I hadn't heard from them, but deep down I knew that it was Lorelai. "I'm sorry," she adds.

"It's not your fault, Sweetie. Not at all. I'll talk to your mother. That's what I'm here for. Where is she?"

"In the kitchen," Rory replies.

"The kitchen? She's doing kitchen-work?" I ask astonished, raising my brows.

"No," Rory says, giggling a little. "She's having coffee with Sookie."

"Would you go inside and tell her I want to talk to her?" I ask Rory. I think it's better to talk outside, where we're not witnessed and won't become the center of gossip.

"O-kay," Rory says, a little reluctantly.

"You don't want to do it?" I ask her.

She looks at me. "Will you fight again?"

I sigh. Probably. I can't promise her we won't. "I hope we won't," I reply. Rory looks at me. "You don't have to tell her I'm here if you don't want to, just bring her outside. Though I think it would be better if she knew," I say. Rory nods.

"I'll tell her," she says finally.

"Thank you, Sweetie," I say, caressing her hair.

"Grandma?" she says, before turning around.

"Yes?"

"I really missed you. And Grandpa…," she says. I think she wants to say more, but she isn't able to. So she hugs me again, kissing my cheek before running off to Lorelai. And I swear again, that I'll make her come back. She shouldn't suffer.

The minutes I wait for them seems like hours. Then Lorelai appears enraged. In her maid outfit. I guess it will always sting to see her clothed like this, but I should get over it. I focus on her angered face.

"What do you want, Mother?" she asks me.

"I want to talk to you," I reply. "Please, give us some alone time, Rory," I add.

Rory looks from me to Lorelai. "Go inside, Rory," Lorelai demands as well. At least something we agree one. She shouldn't witness this. Rory still looks unsure.

"Please, don't fight," she says quietly.

"Go inside, Rory," Lorelai repeats, softer this time. Slowly Rory turns around and goes away. "What do you want to talk about?" she asks me again, as soon as Rory disappeared.

"Please, Lorelai, can we go for a walk?" I ask her. It worked out the last time. At first I think she wants to decline, but after another "Please," from me, she gives in.

"So what?" she asks me after a while, and I know that I have to say something. Why didn't I make any plans? Even if I couldn't stick to it completely, I would've a beginning. Stupid.

"I didn't want Thanksgiving to turn out that way," I start.

"So you blame me?" she asks. And though I said nothing of the sort, thinking about it, yes I do blame her partly. And I want this to be an honest talk.

"Yes, partly," I reply. "Why did you have to flip out over me telling Rory to sit up straight?" I quickly ask, before she can flip out about me blaming her partly.

"Oh, please, Mother. It was more than that," she replies.

"So you're still jealous?" I ask her.

„No, it's not about that. Not at all," she affirms me, but I don't believe her. She is jealous. "It's about you turning Rory into your ideal of a _young lady_," she says in a mocking tone. "And that started with that ridiculous curtsying, which you knew I was against," she says stopping. I look at her. "Now be honest, Mother, you knew it. You knew I wouldn't want that. Dare to look in my eyes and deny it," she challenges me. She's right. Deep down, I did know it. I can't stand her glare, so I lower my eyes. "Ha, so I was right. Of course I was. And you can't even admit it, why doesn't that surprise me," she goes on.

"Lorelai," I say, grabbing her arm, so that she can't walk away from me. "You're right. I did know that you wouldn't like that. I'm sorry, I upset you. But can't you see it from my point of view? Rory didn't care and it was my dream. She did it willingly unlike you. I wouldn't have forced her. Please, believe that," I plead with her.

"That doesn't change the fact that you did something you knew I was against," she says bitterly.

"And your opinion is always the right one, isn't it?" I ask pointedly.

"When it comes to my daughter, yes," she states.

"Then I'm asking you one thing: Don't take this out on Rory. She didn't do anything wrong. It was me. She did as I asked her to. She likes to come to her grandparents. Don't rob her of it, not now that she knows how it is to have grandparents. Don't make her choose between you and us. Let her have both. I know your father and me we made mistakes. I guess every parent does. Please don't punish us again in the cruel way you did for three years. If she wants to see us, let her. You don't have to come, but don't cut her off, as well. Just if I bring up the courage to invite you for Christmas again, don't turn it down another time. I wouldn't – " I stop.

Did I just say that? Did I bring up Christmas? I didn't want to. I already said too much. She looks at me shocked and sad. I can't do this any longer. I turn around. I know I wanted to fight for Rory, but it's too much. I'll try again some other time.

"Mom?" she calls after me. I stop, but I don't turn around. She catches up with me, stopping behind me, slightly touching my arm. "All right. But no more curtsying and no more DAR things for a start. But she can visit you," she says. I breathe a sigh of relief.

"Thank you," I whisper. I try to blink back the tears. After succeeding I turn around. "Thank you," I say again, louder this time.

She nods. "But don't shower her with gifts," she adds.

"She won't love you less, because of some gifts," I reply.

Lorelai sighs. "You don't get it, don't you? Of course she won't love me less, that's not the point. I don't want her to grow up like that. Having everything. If this is going to work Mom, you have to abide by some rules. My rules," she states, and I swallow. "You can play with her and your fairies, you can read to her, you can spend time with her, but I don't want you to buy her something every time she comes and not every other time either. Of course you can get her Christmas presents and birthday ones - though not a ridiculous amount either - and every now and then something else, but not more. And I don't care how happy it makes you to buy her stuff – don't. You will get to see her. That should be enough," she finishes.

And while I think she is a little condescending and shouldn't be the only one to make rules, I know I have to abide by them. Because after all she is right. Being able to see her on a regular basis should be enough at first. It's a huge progress.

"All right," I give in. We share a short look, before going back to the inn silently. There still would be a lot to say, but I guess it's enough for one day. We accomplished a lot and I don't want to jeopardize that.

"I'll get Rory," Lorelai says, going inside. I wait.

"Mom says I can come visit you," she says happily bouncing towards me. I hug her.

"Yes, that's right," I say, smiling gratefully at Lorelai, who stands a little behind Rory.

"When? When can I come?" Rory asks eagerly. I look at Lorelai again.

"Maybe we should set a weekly date?" Lorelai says. I can't believe she's suggesting that, I wouldn't have dared. This makes it real – permanent.

"Sure," I say.

"What about Friday?" Lorelai says. "That's usually very busy around here. And you don't have anything on Fridays, do you? And dad is home earlier sometimes, isn't he?"

I can't believe she's thinking of all of this. "Yes, Friday is perfect," I answer.

"Good. Then I'll tell the kindergarten that you'll come on Fridays from now on."

"Thank you. And I'll bring her back after dinner. You don't have to come and get her," I say. Lorelai nods.

"I'm so happy right now," Rory says, still jumping around, hugging me and Lorelai alternately. "Thank you for not fighting."

Lorelai and I share another look. I say my goodbyes soon. It's getting late. I can't believe how well it went. I thought everything lost when I saw Lorelai storming outside when I arrived. I don't know what did her in.

I'm already in my car, when Lorelai again comes running after me. I turn down the window.

"If you want us to come for Christmas we will," she says, turning around and running back to a waving Rory. Now I know what changed her attitude.


	34. Anticipation

_Thanks so much for all your reviews. They keep me going. I'm sorry it's taking so long right now, but I'm insanely busy. I hope you're still enjoying the story._

**Chapter 34: Anticipation**

I'm on cloud nine. I'll get to see Rory on a weekly basis. I still can't believe that Lorelai suggested this. (The thought that she only did this to not have to call me every time to set a date briefly crosses my mind, but I banish it. I don't want to have bad thoughts right now.)

Arriving at home I practically fling my arms around Richard's neck as soon as I see him standing in the living-room, next to the drinking cart.

"So I guess it went really well, didn't it?" he says, his eyes meeting mine.

"We'll get to see Rory every Friday from now on," I say happily, my eyes sparkling and a big grin on my face. I can't hide my joy and why should I.

"How so?"

"Well, Lorelai and I had a little talk, and yes we have to abide by her rules, but we'll see Rory. And that's what counts, right? Friday I'll go and pick Rory up from kindergarten and after dinner we'll bring her back. Every Friday. And that was Lorelai's idea," I splutter.

Richard smiles as well. He gives me a quick kiss and caresses my cheek. "And now I want to hear everything – slowly and in order – again," he says, leading me to the couch and handing me a martini, before he settles down as well and encourages me to start again. So I tell him everything. He frowns a little when I mention Lorelai's rules, but he doesn't say anything. "I'm glad you two could work this out. It really sounds like progress," he comments.

"It does, doesn't it?" I reply. After a short silence I speak up again. "What do you think of her rules?"

"Not buying her everything she wants?" he asks. I nod. "Well, I guess it is reasonable – at least a little. It is a rule we should be able to live with, shouldn't we?"

"Yes, we should," I agree.

"About the DAR meetings – "

"Oh, that's okay. I knew she wouldn't like what I did. It's my fault. And Lorelai never liked those anyway. I'm okay with that. And we really should focus on the most important fact – we'll get to see Rory. And Lorelai - when we bring her back in the evening." I lean into Richard. We enjoy the moment, knowing that we'll see our granddaughter again. I think about what Lorelai said. "Richard?"

"Hmm?"

"When Lorelai said what we could do with Rory, reading, playing with fairies, etc. She did sound jealous. I'm even more certain now that she is jealous. Not only because of Lilly, but also because of Rory." Before Richard can reply to that, I hear a noise from the dining-room. It's Lilly and she's on her way to us and in hearing distance by now. I curse myself for my last sentence. I'm sure she heard it.

"Dinner is ready," she announces, before turning around again. She heard it.

I tell her about our new Fridays at dinner and I can see that she's also happy. Still I have the feeling she can't forget what she heard. But she doesn't say anything about it. And despite this thought lingering somewhere in the air it's the most enjoyable dinner we had in a long time.

It's also a most enjoyable night. Our happiness shines through in every part of our lives. The next morning Richard leaves the house humming. I even accompany him to the door to kiss him goodbye, like I did when we were first married. "I can't wait to come home tonight," he whispers in my ear. "Especially when there's the slightest chance to repeat last night," he winks at me.

"Oh you," I say, playfully hitting his chest, before whispering into his ear. "If you're not suffering from amnesia you should remember that I told you there would be such a chance last night." He grabs me and kisses me again – passionately. "Richard!" I say, when I can finally free myself, looking around if someone witnessed this. "Wait for tonight," I scold him.

"But that's such a long time," he sighs dramatically.

"Well, it will go by faster when you occupy yourself. Enjoy your work," I say mercilessly, quickly stepping back and closing the door, before he can repeat kissing me in such a way in public again.

My eye catches a contemplating looking Lilly who goes upstairs to dust the guest-room. I have to talk to her.

"Lilly?" I say, stepping into the guest-room.

"Yes, Mrs. Gilmore?" she replies, lowering the feather duster.

"Sit down, I want to talk to you," I say, motioning towards the couch. She looks around the room.

"I'm not finished yet. I know there's still work to do here," she says.

I look at her confused until I understand. She thinks I'm not satisfied with her work – again. "Oh no, it's not about that. You can finish it after our talk," I say, motioning again for her to come to me. Slowly she does as I told her, not looking at me. "You heard what I said to Mr. Gilmore, right before you announced dinner yesterday, didn't you?" I ask her directly.

"Yes, ma'am," she answers.

"Lilly. This has nothing to do with you – "

"Of course it does," she mumbles.

"No, it doesn't. Even without you, she'd still be jealous of Rory. And it's not your fault. Lorelai decided against living here. She has no right to make you feel bad."

„But she can't change her feelings either." Maybe she has a point there. Still…

"Lilly. I don't want you to burden with this. I'm sorry you heard it. I didn't mean to – "

"Please, don't worry about it. I knew it. I knew she's jealous, that's obvious. And understandable." So she knows it as well. I knew I was right.

"Is it?" I ask her. „She purposely left. She cut off all contact. I didn't throw her out or told her she couldn't come back," I say, still getting upset by the thought.

"Still you are her parents. Not mine. As I said she can't change her feelings." I wonder if Lilly still feels the same way about her parents. Despite their despicable actions.

I nod. „But promise me not to feel bad about it," I say.

"I'll try, when you try," she says.

"Deal!" She wants to get up to continue her work, but I hold her back. This is on my mind for some time and if I don't ask her now, I'll probably never do it. "Lilly, wait a moment," I ask of her. She sits back down, looking at me expectantly. I don't know how to start. I don't want this to backfire.

„Yes?" she asks finally.

I look at her and sigh. "Promise you'll be open-minded about what I say to you now."

She shoots me a suspicious look. I look back into her eyes, not breaking the contact until she gives her agreement. "All right."

"I want to thank you for everything that you're doing here," I say, deciding to butter her up. Now confusion is written all over her face.

"Shouldn't it be the other way round?" she mutters. I ignore it.

"You're doing a decent job as a maid. Granted we had some minor difficulties, but all in all it's going better than I thought it would," I admit, seeing a little triumphant smile in her eyes. "However, is this really what you want to do for the rest of your life?" I ask her directly. She looks at me for a second before staring at her folded hands in her lap. "Lilly," I prod after a while, relieved that she's not affirming my question immediately.

"I'm very grateful that you've given me this opportunity. It's perfect for now. I have Becky around. I work – though I still think that I'm overpayed," she replies. I want to protest, but she cuts me off. "I know that is your decision. I'm glad that you're pleased with my work – mostly," she adds, smiling a little at me.

"You didn't answer my question," I say. She nods. "Please Lilly, I want an honest answer."

"The truth is I don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I never did. My parents always had a plan, but the only thing I was sure of was that it wasn't mine. And then – well, I got – you know," she stammers, looking at me desperately. It comes to my mind that I still don't know a thing about Becky's father. What happened? But I know that if I'll bring that up now, everything will be lost.

"You got pregnant, I know," I say for her. She nods, a little relieved.

"Yes. And then everything changed. And now my plan is to have a nice place for Becky to be raised. Which I have thanks to you. I don't know what I want to do when she's older," she finishes.

"You should broaden your horizon," I say tentatively.

She looks at me. "I know," she admits. I'm surprised by this. I expected her to be defiant or at least defensive. „It's just that Becky and… it's so much already, I'm often too tired to read," she says, looking down again.

„I wasn't only talking about reading. I think you should consider – and please do consider it – to go back to school. Education is very important today. A good education will help you to take care of Becky later," I play out one of my trumps.

"But how should that work out? I can't leave her alone for the whole day," she states. I want to protest, but she cuts me off. "You're doing so much already. I can't expect you to look after my child."

"I wouldn't mind. And you'd be home in the afternoon and on weekends."

"You have things to do as well. You can't look after her every morning and I don't want my daughter to be raised by a stranger."

"A lot of working women have help. We could find someone really nice to help me out. It would be your decision whom to take," I offer. She shakes her head. „Lilly, please think about it."

„And what about my work here?"

"Well, of course you'd stop working. Your work would be your education. As it should be. There's a very good school right around the corner – walking distance. Chilton."

"Isn't that a private school?" I look on my lap now. "Oh no, I can't accept that. Never. If at all I'll go to a public school. I can't take more money from you," she protests.

„We wouldn't mind," I reply, relieved that she's at least taking public schooling into consideration. As soon as she'd warmed up to the idea it won't take long to convince her of all the advantages Chilton can offer.

"I can't accept such an offer just like that. I know it's very generous of you, but right now I'm completely satisfied with the situation.

"Really? Completely?" I inquire. She looks down again. A minute later she looks me straight into the eye. "Completely is a big word. But I'm very happy right now. I have a lot of things to be grateful for. Things I didn't even dream of when being pregnant. Thank you for everything," she says, getting emotional and giving me a quick hug. She retreats quickly, a little embarrassed and gets up. "May I go back to my work now?"

I get up as well and nod. That did go over quite well. Though I feel a little uncomfortable that she thanked me over and over again. That wasn't what I intended. Before leaving the room I turn around. "Remember you promised to be open-minded. Think about it. Graduating won't get easier the older you get. Think about it." With that I leave.


	35. Fridays

_Thanks for__ the reviews. It's good to know that you're still reading and enjoying this story._

**Chapter 35: Fridays**

„Grandma, can I go look after the fairies as soon as we arrive?" Rory asks me from the backseat.

"Of course, you _may_," I reply, smiling benignly.

"Did you see them this morning?" she asks further. I think it's about her 30th question since I picked her up from kindergarten.

"No. But I didn't look for them either. I was busy," I explain.

"Doing what?"

"Getting everything out of my way so that I can completely focus on you now," I reply. A little break. "Do you like that?"

"Yes," she says. I look into the rear mirror and see that she looks happy. I'm relieved. I want this day to be perfect.

"When will grandpa be home?" Rory asks.

"Hopefully early afternoon, but I don't know for sure. He's very busy at work."

"Doing what?"

I sigh. "He works in the insurance business," I answer, knowing the next question already.

"Oh – so what does he do?"

* * *

Richard came two hours before dinner. That's not early afternoon, but at least something. Until then Rory and I played the fairy game, read some books and coloured. All the time she was chatting happily away and I was gladly listening. Even though her questions could get hard. Right now Richard tries to explain his work again to her. I chuckle just listening to him squirming because of the interrogation.

Rory is our sunshine. As cruel as Lorelai was for taking her away from us, I'll never forget that she gave us our Fridays. Sometimes it's hard to believe that she's not my daughter, because in so many ways she is what I always imagined, but I can't fool myself. She is my granddaughter – not my daughter.

My daughter and I even managed not to get into a fight when I brought Rory back the first Friday. It went all very smoothly. She asked if we had fun, Rory recited the whole day and Lorelai and I even shared a private smile. If the Gilmore women were known for something it was their fast talking and this little lady truly was a Gilmore through and through. Lorelai even thanked me and made sure that I'd pick her up again next Friday. I don't know what got into her, but that day she didn't seem jealous. Maybe I did imagine it after all. She seemed genuinely happy for us.

* * *

As for Lilly, I decided not to mention the school again for some time. I want to give her time to think about it on her own. Though I guess by now she thinks I have forgotten about it, but I haven't. I have a plan.

* * *

Christmas is approaching. I'll definitely invite Rory and Lorelai. I mean Lorelai practically said that she'd come already. I think about Lilly and her parents. Yes, her mother was horrible, but she is her mother. Somewhere even she must have feelings. And I remember Lilly saying that whatever was going on between Richard, me and Lorelai – we'd always be her parents. Did she talk about herself as well? I know I'll regret what I'm about to say, but I can't help it.

"Lilly?" I say, interrupting her ironing.

"Yes, ma'am?" she says, looking up at me.

"About Christmas…" I start, not knowing how to proceed.

"Yes?" she asks tentatively.

"Will you get… in any contact with…"

"Yes?" she says her face hardening, her fingers clutching the sheet, creating crinkles all over it. She'll have to iron it again. I sigh.

"Your parents?" I ask, rather meekly.

"No," she says firmly, putting the sheet down all together. I look at my hands. Just when I'm about to speak up again she continues. "I don't want to talk about this – at all. They're not like you. Period."

I look up at her determined face. Though she tries to hide it, I can see the hurt in her eyes. "Okay," I say, turning around to leave. I won't bring it up again – at least not this year. And after all she's right. They're not like me. I did invite Lorelai – until now there wasn't a single letter or phone call for Lilly from them. I'm nearly out of the room when Lilly speaks up again.

"Mrs. Gilmore?" she says, this time she sounds timid. I see that she tries to smooth the crinkles out – she won't succeed. Her grip was too hard.

"Yes," I reply, a little surprised that she's about to start the conversation again.

"You do want us to be here, right? I mean with Rory coming here now, I could understand…" she trails off, still smoothing the sheet absent-mindedly.

I quickly walk to her again, putting my finger under her chin, forcing her to look at me. "Of course we want you here. Don't even think of such nonsense. All I was thinking about was you and your parents – not us. And I won't bring it up again – promised. You'll celebrate with us. Period," I finish, smiling at her. I'm glad she's able to return it a little. "And now iron that sheet again," I say, winking at her, before leaving the room.

* * *

The next Friday I have to go to the mall with Rory, since I have to pick up the candles for our next fund raiser. Betty wanted to do it, but she got sick and well – here I am. I vowed to myself not to get tempted and to buy her anything. Except some food maybe. Rory is her usual chatty self. And she has no problem catching up with me. So I'm a little astounded when she slows down at some point. I wonder if she's exhausted, but I see her staring at a store. Why would she look at it, it's not even a toy store. Only clothes.

"Rory?" I call out for her, but she doesn't even hear me. I go back to her and looking at her face I can see the sadness in her eyes. "Rory, Sweetie, what's wrong?" I ask concerned, stroking her hair softly.

She slowly looks up at me. "It's gone," she whispers. "Again." I look confused at the boutique. There are dresses in the window and skirts. Just when I'm about to ask her what it is that's gone, I remember another time I was here with her.

_When I turn around I see her standing in front of a boutique, looking at some dress. A woman's dress I'd never wear. Too funky and colourful. _

"_Rory? What are you looking at?" I ask her. _

"_Mom's dress," she replies._

"_Your mother's dress? Does she have the same?" I ask._

"_No, but sometimes we come here. We mostly look at things, and well mom likes this dress. And she always says that some day she'll wear it. So we call it her dress. And then I look for something I like, though I want mostly books. And sometimes mom buys them for me. But she doesn't buy things for herself. Mostly her things are gone when we come back again, so we look for something else. And we think of things we'll buy later, when we have more money."_

"Come Rory, I'm sure your mother will find another dress," I say. I take her hand in mine and softly drag her away from the window. "Don't be sad," I say, biting my tongue not to offer her anything she wants.

"Sorry," she says.

"Don't be. But try to think of something else. I'm sure your mother will find numerous other dresses to dream about," I say, trying to sound cheery.

"Yeah. But this one was here for so long. I just wish that I would have enough money to buy her something nice," she sighs.

"You are the best present she could ask for," I reply softly.

"You think? Really?" she says, looking up at me, a glimmer of happiness creeping back into her eyes.

"Of course," I answer. I'm glad I got her smiling again. You're the best present we could ask for as well, I think.

After some chocolate cake it seems as if she's completely forgotten about her sad mood.

When I bring her back that evening I wait until Rory is gone inside to get a word with my daughter. "So about Christmas," I start. Lorelai looks at me expectantly. "Your father and I would be very happy, when you and Rory would join us," I continue. She nods and I'm relieved. It's really quite easy this time. Not like the last – don't think about it now.

"We will be there," she promises.

"Good. When?" I inquire.

"I don't know. I have to talk to Mia about it." Of course she has. I hate this, but I bite my tongue. "I'll ask her if it's okay to come to you on Christmas Day – after lunch or so. Then we'll stay until after dinner. Would that be all right?"

"Of course," I say, hiding my disappointment that they won't stay overnight. But we should start this slowly. We look at each other for a while. Just when Lorelai wants to say her goodbye I speak up again. "Lorelai?"

"Yes?"

"No fighting this time, ok?" I ask her tentatively. "I'm not saying that it was your fault last time, just that we both should make an effort not to spoil another holiday for Rory," I continue quickly, my eyes pleading.

"No fighting," she states. We both look at each other.

"Is there anything you would like to have? Or Rory? You just have to say it – "

"I don't need anything. Just some little presents for Rory – don't get us anything fancy, Mom. Please," she says. I nod. „Will Lilly be there?" she asks me. And now I'm sure again. The jealousy is back. I can see it in her eyes.

"Of course she will. Where else should she go?" Before Lorelai can suggest anything I go on. "I asked about her parents, but she doesn't want to hear a thing about it. And honestly, I met her mother and I can understand her. She didn't even glance at Becky." I don't even know why I'm telling her all of this. Lorelai nods. I take a breath. "Do you have a problem with that?"

"No," she answers quickly – too quickly. "I just don't know – do I have to give her anything? And Becky?" she asks a little unsure. I hadn't even thought about that.

"I don't think so. You barely know them. I'll make sure she won't give you anything as well," I say.

"Okay," she nods.

"So…" I say. „When I don't hear from you, I'll expect you Christmas Day at 2 pm, all right?" She nods. "Oh wait do you want us to pick you up?"

"That's not necessary. We can take the bus," she says.

"Nonsense. Who knows how the roads are. We'll pick you up. I'll send your father to get you. He'll be here at 1:30 pm," I say. She wants to protest, but I hold up my hand. "No discussion." She sighs.

"1:30 pm." We share another look. I should get going.

„Goodbye, Lorelai. And thank you," I say, before turning around to drive off.

"Goodbye, Mom," Lorelai says.


	36. Christmas I

_Thanks for the reviews, though they are a little lacking lately. __I'm up for constructive criticism. I hope you enjoy my version of Christmas at the Gilmores._

**Chapter 36: Christmas I**

„So Lorelai and Rory will join us on Christmas Day after lunch," I inform Lilly. Lorelai just called to tell me that she doesn't have to work. "I guess we'll have a little snack before they get their presents," I continue, slowly approaching the reason for this conversation. Lilly nods. Becky, who is in her arms, grabs after her curls. It's funny to watch. Lilly is too absorbed into Becky's little play to listen to me decently – at least she's not getting any hints. "Lilly?"

"Yes, Mrs. Gilmore?" she asks, looking at me guiltily. I take a breath.

"Lorelai wasn't sure whether or not to have gifts for you and Becky," I say directly.

"Oh, she doesn't have to give us anything," Lilly replies quickly.

"That's what I told her. Just be sure not to have anything for them either – otherwise it would get awkward," I say.

"Of course. I wouldn't know what to get her anyway," she says.

"Exactly." So that's settled. „Is there anything else we have to discuss concerning Christmas?"

"The menu?"

"Ah – yes." And so we discuss when to buy the amount of food, we'll have.

* * *

It's Christmas Eve. Richard and I are in bed. I snuggle up to him. "What do you think Lilly will say about our present?" I ask him.

"I don't know. I hope she'll accept it," he replies.

"She has to. It's the only thing we have for her. Not accepting it would be rude," I say.

"Very clever move," he chuckles.

"Oh – you know me," I reply.

"Yes, I do," he says, kissing my hair. "I really wouldn't want you as my enemy," he continues. I look up at him, trying to figure out his look in the darkness.

"Well, it's not that we're doing anything bad. It will be good for her," I huff.

"I know. We're doing the right thing," he says soothingly, caressing my back. I put my cheek onto his chest again. It always calmed me to hear his heart-beat.

"Thank you for agreeing on giving her this as her Christmas present," I say.

"It's a reasonable gift," he answers.

"I hope she'll be happy," I say sleepily. But I need a long time before I finally drift off to sleep. I'm excited and anxious about tomorrow at the same time.

* * *

The tree looks beautifully. Decorating it was always a favourite activity of me, putting me into the right mood and I always insisted on a real one – it even smells good. Beneath it there are some presents – mostly for Becky. I carefully put them there yesterday before going to bed. Now I'm awake early and just checking if someone else is up yet. That's not the case, so I'm heading back to my bedroom. I'll get back into bed for a while, waiting for Richard to wake up. But when I open the door to our bedroom, I see a little package on my pillow. Richard pretends to be asleep. I have to smile. I sit down on his side of the bed.

"Hey, sleepy," I say, nudging him.

"Hmm," he grunts.

"I know you're awake," I say, nudging him harder.

"How do you know?" he asks innocently.

"Because of this?" I say, reaching across him to pick up my gift.

"And what has that to do with me?" he teases.

"Oh, I don't know – didn't you put it there?" I ask him, batting my eyelashes at him.

"Is my name Santa?" he replies.

"Maybe," I say. "So what do you say, should I open it?"

"Since it was on your pillow – I'd say yes." I carefully unpack it. It's jewellery – of course. I always get jewellery for Christmas. This time beautiful diamond earrings are in it. I gasp.

"Oh Richard. They're so beautiful," I say, examining them before bending down to kiss him.

"Merry Christmas, Emily," he says, sitting up.

"Merry Christmas, Richard," I reply.

"Will you wear them today?" he asks me.

"Have I ever not worn my present? Of course I will – and they'll fit to everything."

"I know."

"Yes, you do. You always had perfect taste in jewellery. Thank you," I say, kissing him again.

"You think you might thank me in another way?" he says, looking mischievously at me.

"Of course. I'll get your present, just give me a minute," I say innocently, trying to get up, but he holds me back.

"I don't care about my present," he growls.

"That's not a very nice thing to say, you know?" I tease.

"I care about my wife more. Come back to bed, Emily. It's still very early," he adds, when I glance at the clock.

"But you know how Lorelai always was awake early?" I ask him.

"And you think Lilly will just come inside here?" he asks me. Probably not. But you never know. I get up. "Emily," he groans.

"Shh," I admonish him. "You'll get what you want, just let me lock the door." He chuckles. "And don't make fun of me I don't want anyone to walk in here in the next 30 minutes and I don't think you want that either."

"30 minutes?" he asks a little disappointed.

"Do we think much of ourselves today," I mock him. "Besides I'm sure she'll be awake by then."

"Then we better start soon," he says, pulling me onto the bed. "So how do you plan to thank me for those sparkling diamonds?" he asks playfully.

"A kiss?" I tease.

"Where?"

"Richard!" I slap him. He rolls us over, hovers over me for a second before crushing his lips on mine. After a while we break apart.

"Yeah, that was a nice start," he comments.

"As long as you're satisfied," I say sincerely, looking up into his passionate eyes.

"Always," he replies, before kissing his way down.

* * *

I leave our bedroom again. Now is the time Lilly usually gets up and I'm right. She's leaving her room with Becky in her arms.

"Merry Christmas, Mrs. Gilmore," she greets me.

"Merry Christmas, Lilly. And Merry Christmas to you, too Becky," I coo at her. I stretch out my arms to take her. Lilly gives her away willingly.

"You're up early today Mrs. Gilmore. I'll hurry with breakfast," she says.

"Oh no. Breakfast can wait. First we'll take a look under the tree," I wink at her. "We just have to wait for Richard," I say.

"Not anymore," he says from behind me. I smile at him. "Merry Christmas, Lilly. Merry Christmas, little Becky," Richard greets them.

"Merry Christmas, Sir," Lilly replies. Before the situation will get awkward I speak up again.

"Let's go," I say, going downstairs, the baby still in my arms. "Oh – look at all the presents Becky," I say. Lilly and Richard are behind me. We're all looking at our tree and the presents.

"Mrs. Gilmore," Lilly wants to protest when she sees the pile of gifts.

"No, no – all complaints go directly to Santa. And now open them – since Becky is too young." And that she does. Some new clothes – she's growing so fast – a teddy, a doll, a soft blanket with _Becky _stitched on it and a buggy. When Lilly opens her mouth I remind her again. "No complaints." She smiles.

"Thank you. It's too much, but thank you." Richard and I nod pleased. "Look Becky, feel how soft it is," she says coming towards us with the blanket and touching Becky's cheek with it. She gurgles and we all have to laugh. "She'll love to play on it – thank you," she says again. "Well, I guess I'll go to the kitchen then. Will you take care of her?" she asks me.

"Not so fast," I hold her back. "You missed something." She looks confused. There are no gifts under the tree anymore.

"But… "

"Not under the tree…" She looks even more confused, but finally she finds the letter I put into the tree with her name on it. Carefully she takes it off the tree. I'm holding my breath when she opens it. I don't dare to repeat my _no complaints_ again. Becky is squirming in my arms, feeling my tenseness. Lilly slowly puts the letter down after reading it. Finally she speaks up.

"Seriously – I can't accept that. It's too much. I know you meant well and I don't want to fight today, but I can't accept this," she states.

"Lilly, please. It's our only present. You can't deny it," I say.

"I admit I thought about going back to school after you mentioned it. And in a way I know you're right, but I can't leave Becky and Chilton – I don't even want to know what that costs," she starts.

"And you don't have to. It doesn't matter. Richard and I decided to pay for your education. It's our Christmas gift. Chilton is perfect concerning Becky as well. We know the headmaster. You even can have your lunch here that way you'll see Becky in your break if you want to. I don't mind taking care of my godchild and you can choose whomever you want to take care of her when I don't have the time," I say, but she's still shaking her head.

"Lilly," Richard says, causing both of us to look at him. "There won't be a time to complete your education where it fits perfectly in. Becky will always be there and always need your attention. But you have to think ahead. You're smart and a good education is important. Chilton can give you the best education and it's only five minutes from here. We know you don't want more help than you absolutely need and that you have your pride. Pride in moderation is a good thing, but there is also false pride. We decided to give it to you as your Christmas present – it may be a big one, but it's our only one. No clothes or other things – just this. You should think ahead and accept it. Think about if maybe the thing that wants you to decline is false pride," Richard ends.

Everyone except Becky is quiet for a while. "Will you excuse me, please?" Lilly finally says.

"Lilly, please," I start, but seeing her pleading look I only nod. She goes away. Suddenly she stops and reaches into her pocket.

"I haven't given you my presents yet," she says, handing each of us a letter. "I know it's not much, especially compared to – "

"Lilly. There was no need to get us anything. We're happy about everything you give us – it doesn't have to be expensive. Thank you," I say.

She takes Becky from my arms and leaves the room. Richard and I look at our letters.


	37. Christmas II

_Merry Christmas to you all!__ Thanks for reading this story for 37 chapters by now. I never thought it would get this long, but you keep me going, though right now I guess some are on vacation. Anyway I wanted to post this on Christmas, so here's a little gift to you. Enjoy!_

**Chapter 37: Christmas II**

_Dear Mrs. Gilmore,_

_Merry Christmas! I'm not sure if I always thank you enough for what you did for me. __But I am sure that I never __can__ thank you enough. Still I'll try again with this letter. It's all I have to give. _

_Thank you for taking me in and caring for me when this was what I needed most. I don't even want to think about where I'd be without you today._

_Thank you for being forgiving and giving me another chance when I screwed up. It may be hard for me to admit and I try to take as few as possible, but truth is I need a place and someone who cares for me and Becky. And even when we have disagreements I'll never forget what you did for me. _

_Thank you for giving me the feeling that whatever it is, I can always come to you to find the help I need._

_Thank you for being Becky's godmother. It's good to know that whatever will happen, she'll always have you to turn to._

_Thanks as well for letting me be your maid even though I had none experience__ and you being against it. You probably can't imagine how important it is to me to at least have the feeling that I give back something. Still I'm glad that I am more than a maid – at least this is what I feel. _

_I feel at home here and for this I thank you most. Despite me still calling you "Mrs. Gilmore" I feel close to you in some way. You wanted me to call you "Emily" and that's an honour, but as your maid it was and is important to me to address you in a more respectful way. And I'm grateful that you respected my wish. I wish I could give you more for a Christmas present, but you pretty much have everything I could think of. So I decided to write this letter. I hope that's ok. If there is anything I can do for you – please tell me. I'd do anything. I hope that you'll have a very happy Christmas with your family. _

_Thanks for letting me and Becky being a part of it. You may say that's self-evident, but really it is not._

_At last thank you for all the kind words you said to me over the last months. They mean the world to me._

_Lilly & Becky_

I have tears in my eyes by now. I look over at Richard and see that it's the same with him. Wordlessly we exchange letters.

_Dear Mr. Gilmore,_

_Merry Christmas! I want to thank you for the kindness you had for me __– a strange pregnant girl and later a young mother and her baby. I know this wasn't what you had in mind and I totally understand. Not many men would've done that – opening their home to a stranger. I can't thank you enough for this, especially because I know that at first you weren't thrilled by the idea. Because of this everything you did and still do means so much more. I know that sometimes I wasn't worthy of your kindness (and probably there will be times where I won't be in the future) and I'm sorry for that. _

_Thank you for giving me and Becky a place to stay and the certainty that whatever will happen we won't be alone. I thought about a Christmas present for you, but nothing came to my mind what you didn't have already. I know this letter isn't much still it's all I have to offer. _

_Thank you for all the generosity you showed towards Becky and me. I don't know where I'd be without it._

_Thank you for being there for me when I need it. If there is anything I can do for you, please let me know. I hope you have a happy Christmas with your family and thanks for letting me and Becky being a part of it._

_Lilly & Becky_

We look at each other again. "We should talk to her," Richard says.

"No – we should give her some time," I reply.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I'll go make breakfast now," I say, going towards the kitchen. We won't eat much for breakfast, given how much we'll eat for the rest of the day. Richard goes into his study while I boil some eggs and coffee and get some bread, jam, honey and all the other things. When I go into the dining room to set the table I see Lilly and Becky coming downstairs. She approaches me with a guilty look.

"I'm sorry, I totally forgot about breakfast," she says.

"Understandable," I smile at her.

"Let me do this, please," she says, putting Becky down and taking the plates away from me. I let her do it and return to the kitchen to get the eggs. When she enters the kitchen I turn towards her. After thinking about it for some seconds I go to her, giving her a hug.

"Thank you for your letter. It was the best Christmas present you could make me. And don't worry about not being grateful enough – I know you are. And I'm glad that you are here. You don't know how much your sheer presence gives me. And Becky's as well of course," I say to her. She looks at me with teary eyes and nods. "Why don't you get Mr. Gilmore – breakfast should be ready now."

"Yes, ma'am," she says.

At breakfast it's an unspoken agreement between Richard and me not to mention our gift. Still all three of us know that it's out there. When we finished eating, it's Lilly herself who starts with the topic. "I thought about your gift and it would be another thing I'd have to put on my _thank you_ list – and that list is so long already." Richard and I want to say something, but she holds up her hand. "Please, let me finish," she says. "Then I thought about your words," she continues, turning to Richard. "And I guess you're right. An Education is important and Chilton is the sensible solution. And I can call myself lucky that you're even considering sending me there. You're also right in saying that there won't be the perfect time to go back to school. And I guess the longer I wait the harder it will be," she says, looking at me. "I can also consider myself lucky to have a godmother for Becky who's willing to spend such an amount of time with her. But most of all you were right in saying that my pride let me decline this morning," she continues, looking back at Richard. "False pride," she admits quietly, looking down. After a moment she continues. "So if your offer still stands – "

"Of course it does," Richard and I say at the same time, smiling at her. She nods unable to speak for the moment. Finally she goes on.

"Thank you. And I'm sorry that I couldn't accept it this morning. I didn't mean to ruin the moment – "

"You didn't ruin anything," I say.

"Don't worry about that. Emily is right you didn't ruin anything. It's understandable you needed some time to think. And you left us with wonderful gifts. Thank you," Richard says.

Lilly nods. "I'm glad you liked them."

"That we did," Richard says.

* * *

The doorbell rings. I open it to greet the girls myself – Richard is still parking the car – it seems someone was very eager to arrive. "Merry Christmas, Grandma," Rory beams at me in one of the dresses I bought her. She looks beautiful.

"Merry Christmas, Rory. Merry Christmas, Lorelai," I nod at my daughter.

"Merry Christmas, Mom," Lorelai says.

"Come in. You look beautiful," I say looking at Rory. "Both of you," I quickly add – though Lorelai… Well, at least she's wearing a dress. Lorelai smirks at me. She knows I'm just being polite considering her.

"Wow," Rory says, looking at the tree and the presents beneath it – her presents. "Mom, it's beautiful. Even more than the one at the inn," she says, and I smile proudly.

"But haven't you seen it before?" Lorelai says confused. Right she did see it before.

"Yes, but it's so much more pretty today."

"The presents, eh?" Lorelai winks at her and they both giggle. As long as they're happy.

"Oh, Grandma, I brought something for the fairies," Rory says to me.

"Really? What?" I ask her surprised.

"Sugar of course," she says. I still look a little puzzled. "You said that's what they like most and I thought since it's Christmas – "

"Yes, Mom. Isn't that what you said? Rory is full of new stories every time she comes from here," Lorelai says teasingly.

"Of course. Right," I say, getting out of my daze. I guess I should pay more attention to the fairy-stories I make up.

"I'll bring it outside," Rory says, running away.

"Don't go too far, just outside the window," I call after her. When she looks at me disappointedly I add, "That way you can watch them eating." A smiling Rory opens the window and puts sugar on the windowsill. It's sweet to watch her.

"Sugar, Mom?" Lorelai says giggling.

"Hush, you," I say playfully. Suddenly Lorelai's light mood changes. Lilly comes downstairs.

"Merry Christmas, Lorelai," she says shyly.

"Merry Christmas, Lilly," Lorelai replies civilly, but I hear the shortness in her voice. I pray this will go over well. "And Becky," Lorelai adds.

"Thank you," Lilly replies.

"Merry Christmas, Lilly," Rory says bouncing back into the room. "Merry Christmas, Becky," she says, caressing Becky's head.

"You're still standing here?" Richard says surprised.

"Oh, right. Please lets sit down to eat," I say. Lorelai and Rory look disappointed.

"Why not presents first? Rory can't wait," Lorelai pouts.

„It's just a snack. Apple tarts," I say, knowing this will do her in. It always did.

"Why didn't you say so before? Hurry, Rory, these are divine," she says, ushering everyone to sit down. Richard and I smile at each other.

* * *

"Ah – I could eat a ton of them," Lorelai says, caressing her tummy.

"You nearly did – seven tarts, really Lorelai," I admonish her.

"Well I didn't have some for ages," she says, getting quieter with every word. That's right. It's silent for some seconds.

"So – a song and then the gifts?" I say, getting up. Everyone follows me and soon we're in the living room. After one carol that we sing ourselves – I insist on it, we always sang in my family - Richard puts in a CD with carols. Lilly has a nice voice, Rory however – well, she is my granddaughter, but even I have to admit that's not her talent.

"May I open my presents now?" Rory asks.

"Yes, you may," I say. She gets up and sits down next to the tree. Richard and I are on one couch, Lorelai on the other and Lilly sits in the chair, Becky next to her on her new blanket, playing with herself and listening to the music.

"A book," Rory exclaims, and I focus on her again. She brings it to me. "Thank you. Eu – euro – pe – Europe-an," she looks at me questioningly.

"European that means it comes from Europe," I explain.

"Ah – European fai-ry tales. European fairy tales. More fairy tales, that's cool," she says excitedly, showing it to Lorelai.

"Yes, it is," Lorelai chimes in. "Even more to read." I look at her and she smiles at me. So I guess that one is approved. Next thing Rory unpacks is another dress. Then some dresses for her doll. Then some fairy glitter I found. It's tacky, but I just had to think of my little girl when seeing it.

"What's this for?" she asks me.

"Maybe you should also put it on the windowsill?" I suggest. "Or decorate something. Though please don't open it here," I quickly add. She puts it away and grabs the next present.

"Oh, no Rory. This one is for your mother," I quickly say. Rory brings it to her.

"Mom," Lorelai says reproachfully.

"All complaints directly to Santa, please," I say, causing Lilly to giggle. Lorelai shoots her a look.

"Well, that's exactly what she said to me this morning," Lilly explains. Lorelai seems satisfied with this and opens her gift.

"What did you get from –" Rory starts to ask Lilly, and I'm more than glad that right now her attention is drawn to my gift to Lorelai. "You got it!" Rory exclaims happily, clapping her hands, while Lorelai just stares at it confused.

"Santa got it," I quickly correct my granddaughter.

"This dress… it's exactly what – " Lorelai stammers.

"It's your dress, Mom. The one you wanted to have, your dream-dress. And now you got it. Isn't that great?" Rory interrupts her mother.

„Yes, it is, honey," Lorelai says quietly. I think she even has some tears in her eyes. She swallows before looking at me. "Thank you, Mom," she says sincerely. I'm so relieved. Either that reaction or another flip-out. I smile at her. I'm glad I followed my impulse to search for it. I always get what I want in shops. "So, did you tell Grandma about it?" she asks Rory softly.

"Yes, I did. It was gone you know. Where did you find it?" she asks me.

"That's something you have to ask Santa. Maybe write him a letter," I say. Lorelai pulls Rory into a hug and right now I feel a sting of jealousy. When she releases her, Lorelai grabs her purse, giving me a little package. "Oh, that wasn't necessary," I protest.

"All complaints directly to Santa," Lorelai smiles at me.

"All right," I say opening it. It's a beautiful photo of Lorelai and Rory. They're sitting at the lake, laughing at the camera. They seem so happy. "Thank you. It's lovely, really. It'll get an honoured place," I say, handing it to Richard who praises it as well. Then Rory comes to us giving each of us a piece of paper. They're drawings. On mine are Rory and me and the fairies. On Richards are Richard and Rory on the couch reading a book. Above on each is written "_Merry Christmas_" in Rory's writing and beneath "_I love you Grandma_" on mine and "_I love you Grandpa_" on his. It takes all my strength to hold back my tears. "Thank you so much Rory. It's beautiful," I say giving her a hug.

"A fine piece of art," Richard says, taking her in her arms. "Thank you, Rory." When he releases her she turns to Lilly.

"So what did you get from Santa?" she asks her again. Sadly she hasn't forgotten. Lilly looks uncomfortable. Her squirming gets Lorelai's attention as well.

"Becky got this blanket," she says, pointing towards it, before naming Becky's other presents.

"Yeah, but what did you get? You must have gotten something as well," Rory prods again. Lilly looks at me. I don't know what to say either. There's no way to hide it from Lorelai forever and why should we? It was Lorelai's decision not to go back to school. Why punish Lilly for it, when she's smarter. I nod at her.

"Well, you know I dropped out of school, when I got Becky, but now I want to go on and there's this school right around the corner – Chilton. But it's not for free, so I got my education as a gift. I can go back to school," Lilly says reluctantly.

"You're sending her to Chilton?" Lorelai exclaims.


	38. Christmas III

_Happy New Year everyone! Thanks as always for the reviews. I'm glad you liked Christmas so far. Let's see what you think of this._

**Chapter 38: Christmas III**

It's silent for some seconds. "Why isn't anyone answering me?" Lorelai exclaims. Lilly recovers first, followed closely by me.

"Yes, it was my Christmas present, however if you've any – "

"Lorelai, please."

"I can't believe it," Lorelai goes on. "You're seriously giving her – "

"Stop it right now," Richard bellows. Even I flinch. I look at him. His face is red – a bad sign. I haven't seen him like that very often. Some few times I caused – and regretted - it. I put my hand on his arm though I know it's no use right now and I'm right. He shakes it off. "You have absolutely no reason for this attitude. And you," he turns to Lilly, "will not decline because my daughter decides that this isn't an appropriate gift. You," he turns back to Lorelai, "decided all on your own that you want no help from your mother and me. You never thought about us only about yourself. You never thought about the fact that your false pride and urge for independence would hurt your mother and me. You poured your education down the drain. That was your decision. You were the brightest in your class. We would've helped you with Rory and everything, but no – you decided to leave school and to stay away. That was and is the wrong decision. I'm glad Lilly after some thinking decided otherwise, but I'll not allow that your jealousy will rob her of the opportunity to complete her education."

When Richard started to explode Becky started to cry and Lilly (after being addressed by Richard) took her in her arms and brought her upstairs. Lorelai is too stunned to reply anything and just listens to Richard. Even I am caught up in his break-out, when I suddenly remember Rory and see tears glistening in her eyes. I curse myself. For not noticing this sooner. For another ruined holiday for Rory. I hope Lorelai will forgive us. I hope she'll come back. For the moment I take Rory's hand and lead her out of the room. I hear Lorelai recover – took her long enough.

"You don't understand anything. It wasn't about school or education. I simply had to get out of here, but I know that you'll never understand that. I couldn't raise Rory that way," she shouts.

"So you took her away. Do you even know how cruel that was? Do you realize what you did to us – especially to your mother? Of course you don't. You were always self-centered…"

By now we're out of earshot. I lead Rory into our bedroom and she immediately starts to cry. I sit her on my lap and she snuggles against my shoulders. While part of me enjoys that feeling I hate that she's so miserable. "Shh, shh," I try to calm her.

"Why are they fighting?" Rory asks me, still sniffling.

"Because," how to explain that to her? Do I even know it? "Because they didn't really talk for a long time. A lot of things are unsolved and somehow it all came out right now."

"It's my fault," Rory sniffles.

„Oh no, it's not," I reply firmly, forcing her to look at me.

"Yes, it is," Rory says sadly.

"Why do you think so?" I ask her.

"Because I asked Lilly what she got for Christmas," she answers.

"That's a perfectly fine question. Nothing wrong about it," I reply.

"Because of me mom left school," Rory says.

"She could've gone back. Listen Rory. This isn't your fault. They're also fighting because of things that happened before you were born, even before your mother was pregnant. They didn't have a real talk for a long time. This was a long time coming. It has nothing to do with you. Please believe that Rory," I say to her. She looks at me, still a little unconvinced. "Forgive us, Rory," I add. Now surprise is written on her face.

"Why?" she asks puzzled.

"I wanted this Christmas to be so nice for you. I wanted you to enjoy the food, the presents, the tree," I start.

"But I did enjoy all of this," she says meekly.

"And then another fight. It seems we can't spend a holiday without a fight and I so wanted Christmas to be peaceful – especially for you," I sigh.

"It's not your fault, Grandma," she says softly, caressing my cheek. I look at her. My darling granddaughter.

"But it isn't yours either. Agreed?"

"Agreed," she says.

"Everything will be fine," I assure her, trying to sound convincing. I think I succeeded since she snuggles against me again. I kiss the top of her head. The shouting has subsided. Just when I'm asking myself what's going on downstairs, the door is jerked open. Lorelai didn't even knock.

"Rory, we're leaving," she states, very upset.

"Mom," Rory says, pressing against me.

"Lorelai, please, let me talk to your father. I'm sure we'll find – "

"We're leaving. And we're not taking anything from here – no presents."

"But – " Rory says.

"Lorelai," I say, standing up. Rory is clinging to my leg.

"Say, goodbye," Lorelai demands, and Rory starts crying again. I kneel down to hug her, looking at Lorelai with pleading eyes. Please, she can't take her away from me again. I can't hide my tears, it's just too much, a sobbing Rory, the thought of not seeing her again anytime soon, I can't control myself anymore.

"Lorelai, please," I beg. And then something unexpected happens. Lorelai sinks down to the floor, her back against the wall and starts to cry as well. This shocks me tremendously, so my tears subside soon. Lorelai has her face buried in her hands and cries. I take Rory who also calms down a little in my arms, and go over to Lorelai. Slowly I stretch out my hand to put a strand of hair behind her ear. She flinches. I can see that she's trying to regain control, but she's not succeeding. I sit down next to her, Rory again on my lap. "Lorelai, please take your gifts. It wasn't easy to find that dress. I want you to have it. I certainly wouldn't wear it," I try to joke, but she's not reacting. "And please let Rory keep the gifts. They're from Santa. You can't deny her them. Please," I say again. Lorelai nods. Another surprise. This calms Rory even more. „Lorelai, your father – "

„Don't defend him. I don't want to talk about him right now," she snaps. I'm a little taken aback, though I should've expected this.

"Okay. But please stay here until I've talked to him. Let me try to fix this," I say.

"As if you could," she laughs bitterly.

"Let me try," I repeat.

"I'm sorry, Mommy," Rory says.

"Oh, Rory. I thought we'd agreed that this isn't your fault," I say to her again.

Lorelai looks at Rory then at me. It seems that she's realizing only now what this did to Rory. As if she hasn't noticed her crying child before. She stretches her arms out and Rory hugs her. I let go of her. "Grandma is right Rory. It's not your fault," she soothes her.

"Promise me to wait here for me," I ask them.

"I promise," Rory says immediately. I look at Lorelai. Eventually she nods. I'm still looking at her.

"I promise," she finally says – very quietly, but it's good enough for me. She wouldn't break a promise she gave me in front of Rory.

"Thank you," I say, getting up and heading downstairs to Richards study. I pray that I'll find a way to reconcile them. I knock before I enter. He's a picture of misery. He sits behind his desk; his face in his hands, his shoulders slumped. Defeated. In a way similar to Lorelai upstairs. They're more alike than they'd care to admit – both of them. People may think that Lorelai has something of me – my wit for example - but she has something of Richard either. Slowly he looks up at me, tears in his eyes. He cried. When it is rare that I witnessed my husband exploding like that, it's even rarer to see him cry.

"I'm sorry, Emily," he whispers. My heart goes out to him.

"I know," I nod. I go towards him, caressing his hair.

"I just couldn't take it anymore. Her attitude. The way everything has to go her way. Lilly already backing down, because Queen Lorelai doesn't want other people to get what she couldn't. Even though it was her decision. I just snapped. And everything bottled up inside of me just erupted," he explains.

"I know," I say.

"You were right – she is jealous," he adds. I nod again.

"We have to fix this," I say. He looks at me puzzled. "Please go to her and apologize."

"What?"

"Please, Richard. For Rory. She was terrified. Go to Lorelai and say you're sorry, this happened on Christmas. That you weren't calmer. That you scared Rory. Richard please, I can't lose them again. Lorelai came upstairs, wanting to leave. Not even taking our presents. I already made her promise to stay until I talked to you. Please apologize to her. I can't lose them again," I plead.

"Emily," he says, not looking convinced.

"Please, Richard. I'll do anything you want, if you'll fix this," I beg, tears in my eyes. I hate myself being weak like that. It's not me. But I'm facing my worst nightmare here and Richard knows this. He has to give in. And he can't stand to see me cry, I know that. Offering him anything in return is something I can't remember ever saying before, but I'm desperate and right now I don't care.

Richard gets up and takes me in his arms. "Of course. I'm sorry Emily. I'll fix this. And you don't have to give me anything in return," he says softly. I embrace him tightly.

"Thank you," I mumble against him. After a while I look up at him. "You're ready? They're in our room," I inform him. He nods. Hand in hand we're going upstairs.

They're still sitting against the wall. Lorelai looks surprised to see both of us coming back so soon. I may be wrong, but I also see a flicker of fear crossing her face. Is she afraid of her father? Lorelai? But then I don't exactly know what else he said and Lorelai hasn't seen him often like that either, even though she caused him to explode before as well. Looking at Richard I know how uncomfortable he feels. I can relate very well. I wouldn't like to be in his shoes right now. I'm the first to speak. "Come Rory. We'll wash your face," I say, taking her hand in mine and leading her to the bathroom. Lorelai reluctantly lets go of her, but she doesn't dare to say anything. I congratulate myself to the bathroom idea. I'm not closing the door completely. I have to hear what they say. To prevent more damage. I hope to occupy Rory otherwise, but if I were her, I'd try to listen as well. I hand her the washcloth when Richard starts to speak.

"I'm sorry I lost my temper Lorelai. Especially on a day like this. And I'm very sorry for scaring Rory," he says hoarsely. Pause. I guess Lorelai nods – I hope she does. Finally she replies.

„I didn't say you can't give her such a gift," she defends herself.

"And you can't forbid us to do so," Richard answers. "But you wanted to say something like that. When you're honest, you know that this is where it would've led." Another break. I guess another silent agreement. "Lilly was already declining. You know, she did so at first. Your mother and I had to talk her into accepting. She's proud, too. But eventually she agreed, because she realized that it's the best to do in her situation," Richard says calmly.

"Unlike me," Lorelai mutters and I fear it's starting all over again. Some noise makes me look at Rory again. Looking at her face I see she fears the same.

"You look much better now," I say. "Here, you can have some of my lotion," I offer, trying to distract her again. Rory obediently takes it.

"Please, Lorelai, let's not get into this again. You were right, I don't understand why you did what you did," he says, sounding tired.

"Rory and I should leave now," Lorelai eventually answers. It feels as if a cold hand is clasping around my heart. By now I'm brushing Rory's hair and I see in her eyes, that she's also afraid of not being able to come here again anytime soon. I hate that we can't give her stability. I hear some steps coming towards the bathroom.

"Lorelai," Richard holds her back. "Please, don't leave like that."

"Like what? – You want us all to sit downstairs around the tree, pretending nothing happened. I can't do that," she says.

"Don't take her away from us again. Please, Lorelai. Don't do that to us again. You don't know how life was like here after you left. Your mother – " I take in a sharp breath. What will he reveal to her? "Your mother won't get through it another time," he pleads with her.

"Well, she has Lilly now. I'm sure that's some consolation," Lorelai replies.

"You don't know her at all otherwise you wouldn't say such a thing," Richard says icily. "You're right, we don't understand you, but you don't have the slightest knowledge about us either. It would kill her. Everyday without you killed her inwardly. You may not see it, she may try everything to hide it, but you leaving, was the worst you could do to her. But you're right. You're independent. So do what you want, I can't change it. Go break her heart again if you can live with that knowledge," Richard says, getting more heatedly with every sentence. With that he leaves the room. It takes a great deal of self-control to breathe calmly. I'm brushing Rory's hair. Brushing and breathing. And praying that Lorelai won't take her from me again. After some minutes the bathroom door opens. I see her in the mirror. I can't read her face. Slowly we turn around to her.

"Come Rory," she says and slowly Rory walks over to her. Away from me. That can't be happening again.

"I'm sorry Christmas turned out to be that way," I say to my daughter, when I found my voice. I'm surprised how calm I sound. Nothing like I feel on the inside.

"Seems Dad and I should've made a _no-fighting-pact_ as well," she jokes. Joking? How can she be joking right now? Richard is right we'll never understand her. But I don't dare to ask the question. I'm too afraid of the answer. I know the days until next Friday will be pure torture, but I can't.

"When will I come here again?" Rory asks my question. I'm glad she did.

Lorelai looks at Rory. "Do you want for Grandma to pick you up again next Friday?" My heart skips a beat. Rory nods. Lorelai looks at me. „Next Friday? Same time and place?" she asks me. I can't believe it. I tried to be in control of my emotions so hard, but now that I don't have to fight for Rory, now that she's offering me to see her again, I feel so relieved that my calm masks falls. I only manage to nod. "Excuse me," I whisper, fleeing to the bedroom, facing the wall to hide my tears from them. Self-control. I have to regain it. I cried once in front of my daughter today, that certainly is enough.

"Are you all right, Grandma?" Rory asks me softly. I wipe my face.

"Yes," I manage to say. I take a breath and turn around. "Yes, I'm – I'm fine," I say, looking gratefully at Lorelai. That certainly was the best present she could've made me.

"But we should go now," Lorelai says and I nod. I'm too relieved to say much more. But suddenly I remember Lilly.

"Lorelai?" I ask her. She looks at me. „I know it's asked a lot, but maybe you could say goodbye to Lilly, telling her she should accept. We really had to talk her into it and I know that if she feels that you're against it, she won't go. And she should. So if you can bring yourself to do that that would be really great," I finish, looking at her.


	39. Christmas IV

_Thanks so much __for the reviews. I'm glad you liked it. I didn't plan on four Christmas chapters, but this got longer than I thought so it's another one. I hope you like it._

**Chapter 39: Christmas IV**

Lorelai stares at me. It's hard to stand her gaze and for a second I break the eye-contact looking down (I think that's a first). I'm afraid I asked too much. I know how jealous she is. Her eyes are unreadable to me, but I don't dare to say anything. I don't want to upset her. Maybe I already did. But Lilly –

"Where is her room?" Lorelai interrupts my thoughts.

"Next to yours," I reply. She doesn't seem surprised that I still refer to her room as hers.

"Stay with Grandma," she advises Rory. Relief is floating through me. I hope she's nice to her, but I don't dare to make such a comment.

"Lorelai?" She turns around to me. "Thank you." She nods and leaves the room. I hear her knock at Lilly's door.

"Is Grandpa mad at Mom?" Rory asks me and prevents me from hearing more. Well, I wouldn't have heard them talking anyway. Another difficult question. I look into her big blue eyes.

"Your Grandpa loves your mother. And he loves you. But that doesn't mean that they always get along. But it will be all right," I reply.

"Can we go look after him?" Rory asks me.

"Sure," I reply. We're going downstairs. I'm certain Richard is in his study, so I'm fairly surprised to hear voices from the kitchen – female voices. It seems Lilly wasn't in her room anymore – they're in the kitchen. "Go to his study," I say to my granddaughter, softly pushing her in that direction. Rory obeys. I pretend to fuss over the flowers – red poinsettias - on the dining-room table. I'll definitely hear when they'll fight, when I'm lucky I'll hear even more. And I am lucky – the door is slightly ajar.

"I know they're giving me too much. Even in being their maid I can never repay them. I'll always be in their dept. I can understand that you're upset. I'm getting everything you should," I hear Lilly say.

"But my father was right. I didn't want it anymore – not from them anyway. Are you sure they don't expect you to give them anything in return?" Lorelai asks. Richard is right – we don't understand her, but the same goes vice versa.

"They never set any conditions. Sure as a maid I have to follow their orders, but I wanted to be their maid. I'm glad your mother agreed to it. But other than some normal rules of living together – no they didn't say I have to repay or anything like that. They're very nice to me - and Becky. I'm grateful for that. And they miss you," Lilly adds softly. Lorelai snorts. "They do," Lilly repeats.

"How do you know?" Lorelai nearly whispers. "We can't even spend a holiday without fighting."

"At least they care enough to want to spend the holidays with you," Lilly says sadly. She didn't even get a letter. I was close to call Mrs. Kingston to give her a piece of my mind, but that would only make it worse for Lilly. It's quiet for some time.

"I'm sorry," Lorelai says.

"It's okay," Lilly dismisses her. "Do you want me to decline? I did so at first, I can do it again. I know it's too much," Lilly repeats.

"No. You should accept, really. It's their money. They can do whatever they want. You should go back to school. No need to follow my lead," Lorelai jokes.

"Are you sure? I don't want to stand between you and them," Lilly says.

"I'm positive. Take it," Lorelai says. I'm glad and even a little proud of my daughter. I know this isn't easy for her. Yet she finally starts to think of someone else than herself – or Rory. Even if she needed a little pushing to do so, it's still progress and not something I take for granted. Becky is starting to whimper – sounds as if she's hungry. "Who'll take care of Becky when you're gone?" Lorelai asks.

"Mrs. Gilmore offered to help. And they'll hire a nanny whom I can choose. I don't like to be apart from her for so long, but Mr. Gilmore said there won't be a time where it fits in perfectly and I guess he's right. And I can even have lunch here. So I'll see her then."

"Well, then good luck with all those private school girls," Lorelai says sarcastically.

"I know. But I'm used to it. My father runs the most old-fashioned school you can imagine – like in the Dark Ages," Lilly says, and from the tone of her voice I can imagine how she rolls her eyes. I'm surprised to hear something like that. She never talks about them or her past.

"He does?" Lorelai asks – equally surprised.

"Yeah, but I don't want to talk about my parents. Especially not today," Lilly says. Yes, that's what I'm used to.

"Okay. So I think I'll leave now. You really should take it. Forget my initial reaction," Lorelai says. I'm leaving the dining-room. I've heard enough. The door to the study is ajar as well. I quietly enter to see Richard standing at the window, Rory on his arms, looking outside. Rory is happily chattering about the possibility to see the fairies from here.

"You know, maybe if you could open the window we'd be able to get a glimpse at them – or I could call them. Or wait - where's the sugar – that will get them for sure," she says turning in his arms. "Grandma! Do you think some sugar will make the fairies appear?"

"I don't know Sweetie. They never were in this kind of the garden – at least I never saw them here. You could try though – but you have to ask your grandfather – it's his room and he'll have to deal with them," I reply, gladly getting into the game again. Richard sets her down, nodding and Rory is off on a sugar-search.

"Dad," Lorelai says curtly from behind me. I turn around. "Mom, can we talk for a minute?"

"Of course," I reply, leading her to the living-room. "Do you want a drink?" I offer, when she doesn't start.

"No, thanks. Rory and I should be going. I just wanted to say I talked to Lilly. She'll accept," Lorelai says. I can only imagine what it means to her to tell me this.

"Thank you, Lorelai," I say softly. "That was very nice of you," I add.

"Yes, well. At least something that was nice," she replies. She's right. It wasn't the Christmas I pictured – but then what did ever go the way I pictured it.

"Again, I'm sorry for the way the day turned out," I say.

She nods. Then she turns to pick up the presents. She looks at her dress, then at me. "I can't believe you got me this. It's so not your kind of dress. Thank you," she says sincerely.

"You're welcome," I simply reply. In a way I'm afraid of every word now. Right now I just want this day to be over with the knowledge that I'll see them again – and one wrong word might jeopardize it. I'm thinking of a way to say or show her how grateful I am for her mature behaviour – going to Lilly, permitting Rory to come here – when Rory bounces into the room.

"The sugar is on the windowsill. Now we'll have to wait," she announces happily.

"I'm afraid we have to go now," Lorelai says.

"Oh Mom, please. Just a little while – " Rory whines.

"Rory. We really should go back now," Lorelai says firmly.

"But – "

"Listen to your mother, Rory," I admonish her. "There'll be plenty of time to look out for them on Friday," I say. Rory takes a deep breath. "And no _buts_ anymore," I finish sternly. Lorelai shoots me a grateful look while handing Rory her coat. Rory pouts. "I can drive you," I offer. I'm sure she doesn't want to drive with Richard right now.

"That's not necessary. The bus is leaving in," she takes a look at her watch, "seven minutes. Hurry, Rory," she says.

"But – " I chime in.

"Please, Mom. No_ buts_," she winks at me. „We'll be fine," she assures me.

"All right," I give in. I guess we're all pretty exhausted. "Well, thank you for coming. And thanks to both of you for your presents," I say, caressing Rory's hair, who smiles a little at the mention of her drawing. They say goodbye to Richard – Lorelai rather shortly – and Rory also says a quick goodbye to Becky and Lilly, before they're out the door.

Richard and I share a look. "So everything's all right?" he asks cautiously. "Rory will be here on Friday?"

"Yes. Thank you," I say.

"Don't. I lost it again," he mumbles.

"They come back. That's what counts," I say. Lilly and Becky are coming into the foyer from the kitchen.

"Do you want to be alone? I can go upstairs. I don't mind," she offers. I look at Richard.

„There's no need for that, Lilly," Richard replies. "This is your home. When Emily and I want to be alone we'll find a place. But the living-room is always for everyone," he says. I look surprised at him – seems that my husband has a lot on his mind today. Lilly looks at him gratefully.

"Okay," she says softly. "Thanks," with that she turns towards the living-room.

"Lilly?" Richard calls her back, stepping a little away from me.

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry about today. I didn't mean to kill the mood," he says, surprising me even more.

"Oh, that's okay," she says.

"Well, it was her first Christmas," Richard says rather ruefully, pointing towards Becky.

"She won't mind. She's too young," Lilly replies. Richard nods relieved. When Lilly puts Becky on her blanket under the tree, I step on my toes to kiss my husband. He raises his brows in a questioning look.

"I love you," I say.


	40. Letters

_I wonder if everyone read the last chapter?__ I'm very busy right now so I'm sorry if there's some time in between the updates. Anyways – thanks to those of you who reviewed. It's great to see you're still interested. Enjoy the next chapter!_

**Chapter 40: Letters**

I rumple another sheet of paper and throw it into the garbage can. Looking down I see several of them resting there already. I wonder if it was that hard for Lilly to write to us. Sighing I pick up my pen starting another letter. It really shouldn't be that difficult.

_Dear Lilly,_

_I want to thank you again for your kind letter. You probably don't know how much it meant to me. I know I thanked you already, but I thought I'd write as well – that way you can look at it whenever you feel like it. _

_And I want to thank you. You helped Lorelai and me to talk to each other again. __You brought Rory back in our life. I'll never forget that. __I know I sometimes was angry at you and I'm sorry when I was too harsh with you. But I know that you did all of this to help me and that you did. I told you once that you're not my daughter and that I can separate you and Lorelai. This is still true. But thanks to you I have my girls back in my life. _

_I want to let you know that even though we're on talking terms and I'm seeing them again, this will in no way threaten your place in this house. Even if – and I know that's not going to happen – but even if Lorelai would decide to move back in here, that doesn't mean you have to go. You and Becky have a place here now, in our home and our hearts. I talked to Richard about it and he agrees with me one hundred percent. __You convinced him, Lilly. __And that says a lot. So everything this letter says is also from Richard – he's not into the whole writing-process. _

Looking at the garbage, I'm not either. I focus back on the letter and continue.

_We're happy to have you here and we hop__e that you will fit in easily at Chilton. We know you're smart and can achieve anything you want to. Don't worry about Becky I'll take care of her as long as you're away. It's nice to be a godmother. _

I pick up her letter again to make sure not to forget anything.

_Please don't worry about not being grateful enough or for not showing it enough. We know you are and that's all that matters. You may have needed us, but we needed you just as much. So even if you don't see it, there is a balance. And yes you can always come to us – whatever the problem may be. _

How to sign the letter? _Mrs. Gilmore_ just doesn't sound right. I re-read it again. Yes, that should go. I think I covered everything I wanted to say. Or better to write. Writing – even though not being easy – is easier than saying things out loud. I think about if I should say some more. Making it even more obvious how much they mean to me, but I can't. I hope this will be enough. It has to. I sigh. I decide to go with my gut concerning the signing.

_Emily (& Richard)_

_P.S.: The offer still stands – you can call me Emily if you want to, since you're no longer my maid as soon as school starts._

Lilly is downstairs ironing. I put the letter into an envelope and quietly go into her room. I'm always amazed at how tidy it is. Not at all like Lorelai's. I wonder if her room looked the same at her parent's house or if she's just attentive to it, because she knows that I like order. I never once had to remind her to tidy it up. I always had to remind Lorelai to pay attention to it but it was no use. Not even the maids could keep up with her chaos. I go over to her bed and put the letter on the pillow. I smooth a wrinkle out of the sheet before going downstairs.

* * *

Richard has dinner with a client this evening so it's just us girls. I'm pretty sure she hasn't seen the letter yet. While Lilly is doing the dishes I play a little with Becky. It's lovely to watch her stretching out her tiny little hand to take anything within reach. Lilly can start school soon and I really should start looking for a nanny. I want to take care of her but I know that I'm just fooling myself if I think that I can do it all the time. When Lilly has finished her work she returns to the dining-room.

"I think I'll take her to bed now," she says, taking Becky from my arms.

"She doesn't look very tired," I reply.

"But I am," Lilly slips, getting a worried look from me. She does look tired. In my head I go over all the things she did today. Was it too much? Before I can say anything she continues. "It's okay. I didn't sleep very well last night. Becky was fussing. No need to worry. But I think I'll give us an early start tonight."

I nod. "I think I'll go upstairs as well to read some more," I say, walking behind them. I also want to know if there's any reaction to the letter. "Goodnight," I say to Lilly. "Goodnight, darling," I say to Becky, caressing her tiny cheek.

"Goodnight, Mrs. Gilmore," Lilly replies.

I go into my bedroom and look out of the window. I picture her steps. I guess she'll put Becky down first. Maybe she'll notice the letter after that. But she has to as soon as she's about to get into bed. Yes, I guess that's how it will be. And she has to read it. I decide to undress as well and get into my dressing gown as not to wrinkle my clothes. Then I sit down on the couch, make myself comfortable and pick up my book. After a little over a page I hear a knock. I smile knowingly. "Come in," I say, closing my book and putting it back on the little table next to me.

Lilly peeks into the room. "May I come in?" she asks, even though I already said it.

"Yes," I confirm. I see the letter in her hands and looking closely I see her trembling. Her eyes are glistening. She comes towards me, stopping in front of me. „Sit down," I encourage her pointing next to me and she obeys. Eventually she looks up at me.

„Thank you for your letter. It was the nicest letter I ever received," she chokes out, before starting to cry. I admit that wasn't exactly the reaction I pictured and I'm a little stunned, but I stretch out my arm to caress her back soothingly. She gives in more and more and finally she leans against me. Still crying. I have no idea where all that crying is coming from. It can't be the letter.

„Well, I have to say I got a pretty nice letter myself lately," I say, trying to cheer her up. But it's not really working. "What is it Lilly?" I ask her softly after some time. Suddenly I feel her stiffen. She sits up and wipes her tears away.

„I'm sorry. I didn't mean to come here to cry. I came here to thank you. I'm sorry I lost it," she says.

"Crying can be good sometimes. To let it all out. The only question is what was bottled up inside of you?" I question her.

"Nothing," she replies quickly. "I'm really –"

"Lilly," I say fiercely and she looks at me a little frightened. "Don't lie to me. We both know there is a reason so either tell me or say you don't want to talk about it, but don't lie. We both deserve better than this," I say, surprised about my own words. How many "_Nothings" _have I heard before, without cracking. Even said them myself. Polite „_Nothings"_. White lies. I guess it is important to me that she doesn't hide her feelings from me. Not after we came that far.

* * *

"_Lorelai, where have you been?"_

"_Nowhere," my 15-year-old daughter replies. __A lie. Another one. I hate lying. _

„_You know that'__s not true. You were away half the night. Where?" I inquire._

"_That's none of your business," she shouts._

"_Oh yes it is. It is my business when my teenage daughter spends a considerable amount of the night elsewhere than in her bed. And what is that behind your back?" I demand._

"_Nothing," she yells._

_Nothing. Nothing. Nowhere. Nothing. Always the same answers. I don't know anything about my little girl who's staring daggers at me right now. We both know how this will end. More grounding. More sneaking out. A circle we can't escape._

* * *

„I'm sorry," Lilly says ashamed looking down.

"You don't have to tell me," I say softly. "But please don't lie." She nods. I caress her hair. Hair so much like Lorelai's. Soft dark curls. „You should go to bed now. And sleep in tomorrow. You're exhausted. I'll take care of breakfast," I say. She looks at me in protest. „Shh. No discussion," I say firmly and she nods.

„Thanks," she says quietly. But she doesn't get up.

„You're welcome for the letter. And I mean it. You can tell me anything. Or you can just come to me crying without telling me the reason, that's also fine," I say sincerely.

I feel that she wants to tell me, but doesn't know how to start. So we remain quiet until she finally breaks the silence. "You know, I just thought, you know when I said that was the nicest letter I ever got – it's true. And then I thought," she starts sobbing again putting her face in her hands. I wonder what's troubling her so much. I caress her again, speaking soothingly.

"It's okay. You know, you really don't have to tell me if it's so painful. Though maybe it's better to get it off your chest. That's for you to decide," I say, pulling her closer towards me.

"You know, for a second I wished it was from… from her… from them," she finally chokes out.

"Your mother? Your parents?" I ask tentatively. She nods, crying some more and leaning against me completely. I hug her to me.

"Some – sometimes I wish – I wish you were – h- h- her. That she would be saying all – all those nice things to – to me," she sobs. To be honest I feel helpless. What to do to soothe her? I just hold her close to me. "I know it's stupid, but I can't help it," she cries desperately.

"It's not stupid," I say softly, wondering if Lorelai ever felt the same. I let her cry some more. When the sobs subside, I take her head in my hands. "It's not stupid, Lilly. I'm sorry you didn't hear from them," I add.

„Can we please not talk about it?" she asks me. I hand her a handkerchief and she blows her nose. Maybe talking would help, but since I don't know what to say and I don't want to force her either I agree. "Thank you," she says. "I really should go to bed now," she says standing up. I get up with her. "I'll give it back to you tomorrow," she says looking at the handkerchief.

"Keep it," I say simply. She smiles faintly at me before picking up my letter and taking another look at it. Then she hugs me quickly. "And whatever you write – it's not balanced out. We both know it," she states. When I want to protest, she surprises me by giving me a quick kiss on my cheek. "Thank you for everything, Emily," she says. I smile at her.

„So it's _Emily_ now?" I ask her, wanting to be sure it wasn't accidentally, given her state of mind.

She nods. „I'll go to Chilton soon. And I'll do my best, I promise," she says.

"I know," I say. I'm kind of in a trance when going with her to her bedroom. When was the last time someone kissed my cheek – other than Richard and other than those polite air kisses one exchanges with other DAR ladies? I think I have to go far back in time to when Lorelai was a girl. Before she became the rebellious teenager. Sometimes when I'd bring her to bed she'd kiss me goodnight that way. I always loved that. I think back then I didn't cherish it enough. You never know what you have until you lose it.

Becky is fussing around. I hear Lilly sighing. "You really aren't tired at all, aren't you Sweetie? But Mommy is – so please – can you go to sleep?" she talks to her.

"What about I take her with me? I'll play with her until she's tired and then I'll try to quietly put her to bed. When you're lucky you won't even hear it. And you'll sleep-in tomorrow," I remind her. She looks at me uncertainly. "I'd love to take her for an hour or so. Richard isn't home yet and my book isn't that entertaining – not as much as your daughter would be," I say convincingly.

"All right. Thank you," she says again. I pick up Becky who immediately smiles at me.

"We'll have a nice time, won't we?" I talk to her. "Goodnight Lilly. Get some rest," I say, wiping away the tear which was still lingering on her cheek. For a second I think about returning the kiss, but I back-off. "And remember – you can always come to me."

"I know. Goodnight – Emily," she says. I smile softly at her before leaving the room.

* * *

"Here's the mail, Mrs. – Emily," Lilly says, handing me several envelopes.

"Thank you, Lilly," I say. I guess it's still awkward for her to call me by my first name, but I'm glad I could finally convince her. Especially with her going to Chilton soon. I look through the envelopes. Bills, commercial flyers, what's that? A letter – from Lorelai? Why is she writing to me? I hope she didn't change her mind about Rory coming to us on Fridays. I'm getting restless. I want to be alone when I read this letter so I'll go quickly upstairs. I take a deep breath before I take the letter out.

_Dear Mom and Dad,_

That sounds soothingly. I remember another letter which started with _Dear Emily and Richard_ and where the content was horrible. _Mom and Dad_ sounds much nicer. I go on reading.

_i__t's hard for me to admit, but you were right. I am jealous. I'm not saying I have any right to be – because as you said, I chose to go away, but still I am. I know you'll never understand why I had to leave and I know that I can't explain this to your satisfaction, but please believe me – I had to. I had to live my own life – not yours. I never felt at home in your world. I needed to be independent. And I know I shouldn't be jealous of Lilly, but seeing all of you getting along so well – it hurts. When you asked me to go talking to Lilly, Mom, I realized I was jealous. My mind knew that of course you were right. She should accept, but my heart said that she's taking my place. I know you said you can separate the two of us and again – my mind believes that – it's just my heart that's getting jealous. I can't help it. I know you did a good thing by taking her in, I know she needs you, I know I should be happy for all of you – but part of me isn't._

_Mom, I think you're Lilly's Mia, if you know what I mean. I had Mia to turn to when I needed someone and Lilly has you and that's great__, I should know that – but still there's the wish that you were my Mia, which in a way you are, but then you aren't – I'm sorry, I know nothing of this makes any sense. __I'm sorry. __Right now I don't even know why I'm writing this letter. __To let you know I am jealous? That's ridiculous. You know that, I know that. __Maybe to let you know that I'll try to get over it. Or maybe to share the question that won't get out of my mind and which I can't find an answer to. Why does it work out with you and her? Why didn't it work out with us? Is she so different from me? Are you different to her? I hope I'll bring up the courage to send this – or should I hope that I don't? I'm confused. I bet by now you're too. _

_Happy New Year! I hope it will be a good one for all of us. _

_Your daughter Lorelai _


	41. Stupid fight

_Thanks for the reviews! Without them I wouldn't go on I think. __I'm so busy I don't even have time to think about my story – sadly. The busy time should be over in half a year, so don't expect many updates in the mean time. I hope you can still enjoy it – and I didn't use a cliffhanger this time – would be too mean, since I really don't know when I'll update again._

**Chapter 41: S****tupid fight**

Finally. Finally Lorelai is being honest to me. So she is jealous – of course she is. But admitting that is a big step. So many emotions are going through me right now – I can't even describe them. My initial reaction is to go to her and to hug my girl to me. And then? We'd need to talk and I'm scared that we can't. That we'll destroy everything we achieved so far, even when both of us have the best of intentions. No I can't go there. That's not what we do – hug each other. Or talking – a real talk.

But I have to react. A letter. If it was hard to write to Lilly I don't want to imagine how hard it will be to write to Lorelai. What should I write? One wrong word and it's there – she can read it over and over. And who knows which word she'll take the wrong way? I take a deep breath and re-read her letter.

She's jealous. I knew that. And she's right I'll never understand why she had to leave. In a way I have the same questions as she has. Why is it working out with Lilly, but not with Lorelai?

_Is Lilly different from Lorelai_? Yes, she is. She does everything to please me. And if she flips out, she apologizes. Not because I force her to, but because she knows it is the right thing to do.

_Am I different to Lilly?_ That's a hard one. I think I need to think long about it, but spontaneously I'd say, yes I am different to Lilly. Because she is treating me with respect, I return it. Was I always respectful towards Lorelai?

My heart breaks, when I read the despair between her words. She doesn't want to be jealous. She wants to believe me. She wants to do the right thing. But so do I. It's a vicious circle we're in. How to break it?

_...but still there's the wish that you were my Mia, which in a way you are, but then you aren't..._

That is confusing Lorelai, but then when were you ever not confusing? She wants me to be like Mia. Mia. Then she says I am – but in which way? That I am her mother and now Mia is like her mother and because she ran away I am not anymore? Is it that what you want to say Lorelai? I want to be your mother, believe me, that's all I ever wanted. But I think I can't be the type of mother you want to have – the Mia type.

Tears are threatening to fall from my eyes. After a little fight I give in and let them flow. No one is here to see them anyway. I don't know how to react to that. I don't know why she never felt at home here. She had everything. And what about her jealousy? Why is she jealous when she doesn't want this? She doesn't want to live here.

I know we should talk, but I also know that I wouldn't know where to start. Though I also don't know how to start such a letter.

For the rest of the day I'm absent-minded. I'm sure Lilly is wondering what's up, but she doesn't say anything. Does she know there was a letter from Lorelai?

I'm carrying the letter with me – by now I know it by heart. Finally this day is getting to an end. I hear the door, Richard is home. He comes straight to our bedroom which is unusual. A quick glance in the mirror shows me that I'm a mess, but at least the tears are gone.

"Emily, why aren't you ready? And where are my clothes?" he demands.

I look at him confused. Ready? Clothes?

"Excuse me?" I manage to say, trying to focus on my husband instead of my daughter.

"Dinner – at the Farthingtons. I told you yesterday to get my tux and the white scarf and to lie it out on the bed, since we don't have much time. Plus you don't want to go in that, do you?" he asks incredulously, pointing at my casual clothing.

The Farthingtons – I completely forgot about it. His tux as well. I close my eyes for a moment. "Of course I won't go like that. In fact I'm not going at all," I say, a little surprised by my own words. But I'm right I'd never manage to get through it.

"What do you mean you're not going? Everyone will be there. I - we – need to be there. It's important Emily," he says impatiently.

"I'm not going – that's what I mean when I say I'm not going," I snap.

"Emily," he says threateningly. Then he takes a closer look. "Are you sick?" he asks a little worried.

"No. But I'm not in the mood to go. You go alone," I say curtly, turning away from him. He grabs my arm and turns me around. "You're hurting me, Richard," I say. He loosens his grip a little.

"What's wrong Emily?" he asks. If he'd ask that the minute he came in I might have told him – but not this way. Not when he's upset and has no time.

"Nothing. You go alone," I say, pushing his hand away.

"But – what will they say? That's not you Emily, what happened? How will it look if I go there without you?"

"Tell them I'm sick," I say.

"But you aren't" he counters.

"Well, if it's morally incompatible for you to say that, then tell them I'm not in the mood – tell them whatever you want to say, I'm not going," I state again. I know I'm stubborn and stupid, but I can't help it. I can't tell him about it, when his mind isn't here. I can't tell him without starting to cry. I'll rather fight – a stupid fight. He glares at me and I return the glare. Sparkling angry eyes on both sides.

"You know this dinner is important for my career. I told you all about it. I don't understand you Emily. What could possibly have happened to make you act that way?" He looks at me expectantly.

"I'm not –"

"going. I got that. It's the _why_ you leave me in the dark about. What happened? Lilly ruined your dress? You got kicked out of the DAR? What Emily? And whatever it is – get over it!" he says clearly upset.

"Now you're being spiteful," I say, trying to think of the hurt I see in his eyes and not my own.

"Back at ya." He takes a deep breath. "Then please give me my scarf and my tux," he says curtly.

"Who am I – your maid?"

"Right now I don't know who you are, but I asked you to get my tux – where is it?"

"I have better things to do than to get your tux," I yell, instead of apologizing for forgetting to pick it up. He takes a quick glance at the clock. "It's too late now," I say, what he can clearly make up himself.

"Thanks for the memo," he says, running past me to the dressing-room. "Where's my other tux?" he yells. I flinch. "Emily. I swear to God if you don't tell me right now – "

"I gave it away."

"You what?!"

"Weeks ago. We wanted to buy you a new one, remember? But you never had time."

"I don't remember at all. So what am I supposed to do now?"

"Wear your best suit," I offer lamely. He looks at me for another second before doing just that. It's not that he has a choice now anyway. Watching him – how he's getting ready on his own, I feel terribly guilty. But I can't go. And right now I can't make him understand. Because he has to go. It is an important dinner I know that. But if I tell him about Lorelai now I'm not sure if he'll be able to go. And he has to. I see him struggling with his tie. Slowly I go to him. "Let me – " I start, stretching out my hands to help him, but he turns around. I go back to our bedroom.

He comes out of our dressing-room with my green dress in his hands, his tie askew. I don't dare to fix it. "Please put it on, Emily. So we'll be late half an hour – that's better than going without you. You're better with people than I am. I need you tonight," he says, breaking my heart. His change of behaviour – trying to buttering me up instead of yelling at me as I'd deserve – shows me how important this is for him. And I'm tempted to give in, but I know that I can't stand it tonight and before I act there as I'm doing here, it's better he goes alone.

"I have a headache," I say, giving him his excuse. I don't dare to look at him though. The next thing I hear is the door slammed shut. I go to the window. Richard goes to our neighbours, slacked shoulders, his steps slow. Then the view gets blurry from my tears.

* * *

He's away for a long time. Finally I hear the door. Soon he'll come upstairs. I'm not sure if I'm looking forward to or fearing it.

He's not coming. Definitely fear by now. After half an hour I go downstairs. I enter his study without knocking. He's drinking.

"Aren't you coming to bed?" I ask him cautiously.

"I don't want to disturb your headache," he replies sarcastically.

I try another strategy. "How did it go? Did you make new contacts?"

"Like you care," he says gruffly.

"I do," I say softly.

"Then you would've come with me," he answers. What can I reply to that?

Silence.

"I couldn't," I whisper. "I'm sorry."

"That's not enough." The words hit me as if he'd slapped me. Maybe I did underestimate the importance of tonight. Maybe I should've tried to go with him. Maybe I would've managed to put on a mask – I usually am good with this. He's drinking more and I retreat. There's no use in staying when he doesn't want to accept my apology.

I'm not sleeping. An hour later he finally comes to bed. I know he's awake, too, but we're not talking. We're not good at talking either. Must run in the family.

Two hours later he gets up – I'm pretty sure he didn't sleep. I certainly didn't. "Richard – " I start, but he's already in the bathroom.

I know I should've gone with him. I know he has every right to be angry. But he also hurt me. Still I know that I'm at fault for our fight. I should've told him – no I shouldn't have. It's better he didn't know about it. I get up with him, having breakfast with him, but he ignores me. We don't say a single word to each other.

* * *

Lilly notices our odd behaviour – of course she does – but after snapping at her as well, she leaves me alone. Richard isn't home for dinner, so we eat alone – silently. Only Becky manages to put a weak smile on my face.

He's home by 10pm going straight to his study again. I get him some snacks. This time I knock and enter even though he didn't answer. I set the plate on his desk.

"I'm not hungry," he states.

"You need to eat," I counter

Silence. Ignorance. Sighing.

"So is this how it will be from now on?" I ask him.

"What?"

"You barely being home, ignoring me?"

"I suppose so."

"That's not fair," I say.

"Isn't it? I tell you what isn't fair. My wife staying home, even though she could've accompanied me. My losing an important deal, because the client was enchanted with the wife of O'Henry who got our deal. His wife was there to take care of the clients and their wives. She did nothing you couldn't have done though. So the problem was hmm, let me think – you weren't there! But well, now I have to work harder to make up for it. That was your decision, not mine," he finishes, clearly still upset.

"I'm sorry," I start again, but I see that it's no use. "Please eat something," I say before leaving the room.

It can't go on that way. In our bedroom I take Lorelai's letter and put it on his pillow. She wrote to both of us after all – it wouldn't be fair to withhold it from him any longer. Maybe he realizes that some things are more important than his work. Or maybe not. I write another note with just two words: _Forgive me_ and put them under Lorelai's letter.

When he comes to bed he doesn't switch on the lights. I'm afraid he might not see the notes and switch on mine. I barely dare to look at him when he picks up the notes. Slowly he goes to my side of the bed, sitting down on it.

"You should've told me," he says softly.

"I didn't want for you to focus on the letter instead of your business. I know the dinner was important, but I just couldn't go. I think it would've been worse if I went. Maybe I'm wrong. I apologize for forgetting about your tux and picking a fight. I'm sorry you didn't get the deal," I say quietly.

He sighs, taking my hand in his. "So she is jealous," he says, ignoring our fight.

"Seems like it."

"What do you want to do now?" he asks.

"I don't know. I don't want to destroy what we achieved. But we have to react in some way – I don't know what to do. What do you think?" I say, trying to forget that he also hurt me in our fight.

"I have to think about it. You got it yesterday, right?" I nod. We share a look. "Then we still have a little time. I'm tired. I'll come to bed now," he says, before going to the bathroom. I take it we made up now. I picked the fight I shouldn't wait for his apology. He comes to bed. I switch off the light.

"Goodnight, Richard," I say.

"Goodnight, Emily. – I'm sorry, too," he adds, opening his arms for me. I lay my head on his chest, trying to forget about Lorelai and our fight for tonight. But I know I have to react soon – if only to thank her for her letter. Maybe that's safest. But I didn't want to think about that now. I focus on Richards breathing – that's always calming. Slowly we drift off to sleep, both relieved to be in each others arms again.


	42. Another Walk

_Thanks everyone for your reviews. Studying went faster than I thought so I had some time to update. I hope you enjoy it, even when I can't promise you a quick update this time as well. Thanks for still reading this story. _

**Chapter 42: Another walk**

After 17 letters which all landed in the fire I decide that I can't write to Lorelai. I have to go there. I know that it's dangerous but all my letters would be as well. There's always the possibility she'll get one of my words the wrong way and in going there I at least can see and react to her reaction. When I'll bring back Rory next Friday I'll talk to her. But what I'll say I still don't know. It's going to be some restless days.

In the meanwhile I'm occupying myself in buying things for Lilly for the time she's attending Chilton. She seems to sense my restlessness since she doesn't complain too much about the amount of money I spend on her stuff. The other thing I'm occupying myself with is finding a nanny, but so far none lived up to my expectations. I'll never understand how they can run those agencies with so many incompetent people around.

And finally it's Friday. I can't even enjoy my time with Rory that much. I fear that if my talk with Lorelai goes over badly there won't be another Friday. I try to hide my thoughts from Rory, but I'm pretty sure she senses something.

"Grandma? Can we go outside building a snowman?"

"Yes, Sweetie," I reply.

"Do you think the fairies will be there, too?"

"I don't know."

"Or we should build a snowwoman, like Mom and I did. Or a snow-fairy," she says, bouncing in front of me and running around in the snow, giggling. I'm a little behind her, trying to focus on the joy of my granddaughter. "Is everything all right?" she asks me, looking a little concerned. I really have to pay more attention.

"Of course it is," I laugh, taking some snow and throwing it in her direction.

"Snow fight," she screams and I wish I hadn't started this. In the end I have to reprimand her to stop or we'd be too wet to build anything, snowman, woman nor fairy. The time outside was helpful for my mood but at last I can't stand it any longer and drive her back 30 minutes early. Even though the sun is shining Rory and I are rather quiet.

Lorelai is cleaning the lobby. "Mom!" Rory shouts, running to hug her mother.

"Rory!" she equally shouts back, hugging her tightly. Right now I feel that not only Lorelai is jealous. "Mom," she nods at me.

"Lorelai," I say stiffly. I have to get it over with. But what to say? I'm still not quite sure. How to act that we won't hurt each other again? The walk. Right, why didn't it come to my mind before? We should take another walk. So far that seemed to be working. Lorelai is listening to Rory's recap of the day right now. When she's stopping to take another breath I interrupt my granddaughter. "Lorelai? I'd like to talk to you," I state. She looks at me curiously and slightly alarmed.

"Sure," she replies, sounding everything but certain.

"Maybe we could take another walk. The weather is lovely for this time of the year," I say. Snow. Lorelai always loved snow.

"All right. I'll have to get my jacket," she says.

"Oh can I come with you? I'd love to make snow angels," Rory announces, bouncing up and down.

"No," I quickly say, which earns me a glance of Lorelai and a pout from Rory. "I'm sorry Sweetie, but I need to talk to your mother alone," I say. She wants to start begging, but Lorelai cuts her off.

"You heard your grandmother. You'll stay here. I'll be right back," she says nodding at me. I return the nod. Looking at Rory she looks miserable.

"Next time, we'll take you with us," I promise her, hoping there will be a next time.

"Did I do anything wrong today?" Rory asks me, tears pooling in her eyes. "Because if I did, I didn't mean to – honestly."

"Oh no, Sweetie. You did nothing wrong, don't worry," I try to assure her.

"But why can't I come with you then?" she asks again.

"I need some time with your mother," I explain to her.

"Rory. Stop begging. You'll stay here," Lorelai says, coming back in her winter clothes.

"Yes, Mom," Rory says though she's still pouting.

"Well, let's go outside," my daughter says, motioning for me to go first. After some steps Lorelai is interrupting my thoughts how best to start this. "So, what is it Mom? Did Rory misbehave?" Huh? Does she really not know why I want to talk to her?

"No. Why would you think she did?" I ask her.

"Well, you wanting to talk to me alone. Plus Rory is going through a slightly rebellious phase lately."

"She is? That's nothing compared to – " Damn. I bit my lip.

"Come on. Say it, Mom. Nothing compared to me. I'm used to it. You're probably right though," she even jokes a little. That was close. I'm glad she's not upset.

"Well, that's not the point now. Do you really not know why I want to talk to you?" I ask her. She looks at me. I can't read her look. It's like in the back of her mind she's thinking of something, but she's staying quiet.

"No," she says after a long while. I don't get it. Did she expect a letter?

"Well," how I hate those filling words, I'm using them a lot right now, but I can't help it. "Well," and there it is again, "I practically wrote you about 20 letters, but nothing seemed fitting. I just thought talking would be easier, though I'm not sure," and now I'm babbling. The fact that Lorelai is staring at me like I'm suddenly turning into Mickey Mouse isn't helping either. "Lorelai?" I ask her.

"Why would you write me 20 letters?" she asks me incredulously.

"Well, of course I only wanted to write one letter," I say slightly annoyed. "It just never came out the way I wanted it to," I say, admitting more than I'm used to.

"Okay. I still don't get it. A letter about Christmas? I mean you said it wasn't about Rory, so what's it about?"

"Don't play dumb, Lorelai. Do you think it's easy for me to come here to talk about it? But obviously you had the need to tell me something, so I should respond to it," I say getting angry. I shouldn't, but she's driving me crazy.

"Respond to what?" Lorelai asks me, her tone getting more to yelling as well.

"The letter you send to your father and me," I finally say upset. "Really Lorelai – " but I stop myself. Lorelai is as white as the snow beneath our shoes.

"The letter to Dad and you?" she chokes out after some seconds, gasping for air.

"Yes, of course that letter. Are you all right, Lorelai?" I ask concerned. She looks sick.

"Which letter?" she whispers. By now I think she's going crazy. But I advise myself to stay calm.

"The letter you wrote to your father and me Lorelai. Like I just said," I say slowly, as if I'm talking to a two-year-old.

"But I wrote so many," she mumbles finally, not being able to look at me. And now it dawns on me. It wasn't meant to get to us. At least she didn't send it.

"You didn't send it then?" I ask her.

"No," she glances up at me for a moment. "About 20 you said? Well, I think I wrote about 40! Some even sealed in an envelope. But I never send them. I was too – I didn't send them." So she's afraid as well. "I guess I forgot to destroy that one and Rory probably gave it to the mail man. So you got mail, right?" she tries to joke, but I can see through it. She's panicked. Probably even more than me.

"Yes," I simply say. I'm stunned. It wasn't meant to be sent to us. Should we ignore it now? Wouldn't that be best?

"So, what did I write?" she asks.

"Pardon me?"

"Can you fill me in on which letter was sent to you?" Of course, she doesn't even know what I know by now. I open my purse and hand it to her.

"I know it by heart now anyway," I say, getting a surprised look. Did I just say that out loud? She unfolds and reads it. She takes long. Probably she's finished already and just doesn't know what to say. Thinking that if I ever wrote my feelings down and it would get in her hands I would be embarrassed as well.

"So, one of the better ones," she jokes. "But hey, it was one of the few that actually got an envelope so no surprise there," she finishes. She's handing it back to me. Should I take it?

"Do you want me to have it?" I ask her tentatively.

"Given that you know it by heart now anyway," she offers lamely. I hate that everything has to be a joke for her. I grab it from her hands and put it in my purse. "I'm sorry. It's just – that's the least I expected to happen today, I don't know how to handle it," she admits. I regret my anger. Of course this is even harder for her.

"I don't know how to handle it either," I admit. "I was afraid to write something wrong, so I came here. But I'm also afraid to say something wrong. I don't want to fight, Lorelai. I don't want to jeopardize what we already accomplished. Do you want me to ignore the letter?" She looks at me.

"I don't know. Maybe you got it for a reason. Maybe we should talk about it… I need some time. Give me some minutes, will you please?"

"Of course," I reply.

"May I have the letter once more?" she asks me, biting her bottom lip. She always does so when being nervous. I hand it to her. I bet she doesn't want me to watch her. I spot a bench a little down the way.

"I think I'll go and sit down there," I say. She nods. I go to the bench, wiping the snow away, getting out my handkerchief and drying the place I want to sit at. I watch my daughter from afar. So she never meant to send it to us. No, that's not right. She did mean to send it to us. She just never worked up the courage to actually do so. Rory. Again it is Rory who gets us closer together. At least I hope so.

Lorelai is walking in circles. Watching her it amazes me how close we are yet how far apart at the same time. Why is so hard for me to admit my feelings to her? Why can't I write such a letter to her? It's getting darker and colder. I'm afraid if I sit here much longer I'll catch a cold. And Lorelai as well. I get up and walk to her again. "Lorelai?" I say carefully. "It's getting cold. We should go inside." Lorelai nods. "We don't have to talk right now. I had days to think about this and I still don't know what to do. I understand if you need more time," I say.

"I guess that would be good. Thanks," she replies.

"There's no need to thank me," I say. Just before we arrive at the Independence Inn she turns to me. Maybe it's a plus that we can't see each others faces that clearly by now.

"You know, it's true. Everything I wrote there," she says. I nod, still being afraid of words. But I feel like I have to say something as well. Something important. Something that lets her know it was worth it to share her feelings with me.

"You know Lorelai. A lot of your questions are my questions just as much. And I don't have an answer for them. I thought about them a lot the last days and even before, but I'm not sure we'll find any answers. I don't know why it's working out with Lilly but not with us. But I can tell you this: It's not because I don't love you." The last words I more and more whispered, but I said them. I finally told my daughter my feelings. Admittedly it wasn't an "_I love you" _but close, very close. I see tears in her eyes.

"Thank you, Mom," she chokes out. We share a look. I really do love her and right now I have the feeling that after all she loves me as well. Finally she breaks the moment. "I'll make myself a Xerox and bring it back to you then," she says, running inside. I wait outside. I don't want anyone to see that there are tears in my eyes as well. Two minutes later she returns, handing me her letter.

"Thank you," I say in a normal voice again. Still we're looking at each other uncertainly. "So, you'll let me know when you're ready to talk?" I finally ask her.

"Yes, Mom. Thanks for coming."

I nod. "Goodbye Lorelai," I say.

"Goodbye, Mom."


	43. An Idea

**Chapter 43: An idea**

_Thanks for all the reviews. They keep me going. __The next two chapters are incredible hard to write – I hope I manage to fulfil your expectations at least a little. _

For the hundredth time I'm rethinking my last meeting with my daughter. She didn't say I love you. Granted I didn't say it like that either and she was touched when I told her what I told her. This whole waiting for us to talk is driving me crazy. I wish it would be behind us already – with a positive result. My eyes catch the flowers on the dining-table. They're starting to wilt. I have to change them soon.

The doorbell is ringing. Lilly is at Chilton, Becky is asleep (the first nanny I hired was horrible, so I'm taking care of her right now) and I haven't found a new maid either. So I'm all alone right now. Going to the door I see a light layer of dust on the banister reminding me that it really is time to get a new maid. I have to hire one today. Hopefully one which hasn't missed her calling. I open the door.

"Hello Mom," my daughter greets me and my heart sinks into my boots. So now is the time.

"Hello Lorelai," I reply, trying to hide my nervousness. "Please, come in," I continue, opening the door further. She comes in. I hold out my hands to take her things. She gives me her coat and purse. I put her coat on the coatrack and hand the purse back to her. "Please, come in," I repeat myself, leading her to the living room.

"Thank you," she replies, probably as nervous as I am. We both know what this visit is about. I've waited and feared to hear from her for the last days. Now we have to talk about everything. About our relationship. I pray that we still want to see each other in a few hours from now on. That she won't run out and I won't hear from her again for the next few years. And from Rory. Because there is no Rory without Lorelai – and I wouldn't want it either. It never was about Rory for me. Always about Lorelai – about both of them.

"Would you like some coffee?" I offer.

"Coffee would be great," she replies, just as relieved as I am that we can still prolong the inevitable.

"I'll have to go make some then," I explain. "I'm in between maids – and Lilly just started Chilton," I add cautiously.

"I'm sorry, I should have called. Is this a bad time for you? How stupid, just because I found the courage and time to come here doesn't mean that you're ready as well. I'm sorry, I can come back later, if you want me to," she rambles. But not even one joke about my maid situation or a comment about Lilly and Chilton.

"Lorelai, calm down. I'm glad you're here," I soothe her, although I'm not quite sure how I feel right now. "Now is as good a time as any. I had plenty of time to think about it and maybe it's better you came here spontaneously. Maybe it's better not to think too much. And having the house for ourselves isn't a bad thing, isn't it? Becky is sleeping upstairs, so maybe I have to go pick her up at some point, but she's an easy baby. She won't disturb us," I finish.

"Okay," Lorelai nods, a little calmer now.

"So just let me get our coffee," I say, turning towards the kitchen.

"I can help you," she offers, already getting up as well.

"I'm perfectly capable of doing that myself," I answer. She looks down. Great that sounded harsher than I intended it to be. The truth is I need some time alone to collect my thoughts despite what I just told her. "I didn't mean for it to come out like that. Please Lorelai, just give me a few minutes and I'll be back – with coffee," I try to smile at her. That would just be like us, planning to talk about the big stuff and failing at the topic of coffee.

"Okay," she mumbles, sitting down again. I'm going to the kitchen, hoping the coffee-making will calm my nerves. I'm not sure I succeed though.

Coming into the living-room with one litre of strong coffee – at least one thing we agree on – and two cups I see that she's pacing the room. She smiles at me sheepishly and quickly sits down again. I pour coffee into her cup and hand it to her.

"Thanks, Mom," she smiles at me. "Ah – the good stuff," she says, after drinking a little. I return the smile. Do we really have to talk about it? Can't we just pretend it didn't happen? "Mom?" she interrupts my stupid thoughts. I look at her. "I think for once I know what you're thinking. Because I wish it could be that way. But we both know that if we never talk about it, it will always be between us," she finishes.

"I know," I reply. Silence. "So who wants to start?" I begin, looking at her expectantly.

"I don't know," she says. Great me neither. How is this going to work? I sigh. "Mom?" she asks again.

"Yes?"

"I… you…," she takes a deep breath. "I think we both want this to go over well," she starts. I nod. "See, I don't want to say anything to hurt you, but I'm not sure if that's possible. But maybe you can keep in mind that it's not my intention to hurt you. I'm not here to offend or attack you or anything," she continues. I nod again.

"Me neither," I affirm.

"I think when we both don't know how to start maybe we should try writing again." Huh? Is she serious? I thought she came here to talk? "See, we both know we have to talk about it and we both want this to end in a good way. I saw this on TV once and we don't have to do it, but maybe it works," she trails off.

"What works?" I ask, slightly impatiently, wondering what good can come out of an idea she got because it was on TV.

"We have to write down what we dislike the most about the other. What hurt us the most," she says, not able to look into my eyes anymore.

Wow – that's tough. I have to tell her what I dislike the most about her and when she hurt me the most. Well, the last one is easy for me to say. But she knows that already – or doesn't she?

"Then there's also the option that before you read my note you have to say what you think I have written – and vice versa," she finishes, looking at her hands. I swallow. That's even harder. I'm not sure that's going to work. We could destroy everything.

"I'm not sure that's going to work," I say quietly.

"Me neither," she admits. "But I don't know how to start this."

"This will be hard for both of us, Lorelai. Do you really want to do this? To hear what I'll write down?" I ask her, searching her face and at the same time asking myself if I want to hear her answers. She glances at me.

"To be honest – I'm not sure. But I think when we want this to work we have to be honest with each other. Even when it hurts. And when both of us keep in mind that we just write down what we're truly feeling – without the intention of hurting each other – it could work. I'm not sure though. When you don't want to do it, that's fine with me. We can do it your way then – or we can just leave it as it is. Whatever you want, Mom," she says, sounding a little defeated.

What happened to my daughter? When did she get so mature? And why couldn't I hear that last sentence more often? I'm thinking about her idea some more. It could work. When both of us keep in mind that we're not writing things down to hurt each other even when it will hurt. I wonder if it's a little naïve to think we can really be so self-disciplined as not to let our feelings get the better of us. On the other hand I don't have a counter offer. I don't know how to start such a talk and maybe it does work. I can still end it when it gets out of hand. We both should be able to.

"All right. We'll try it that way. But I think we should add one rule," I say. Lorelai looks at me expectantly. "When one of us feels that it is too much, we end it. Before it destroys too much. We need a sign. Like holding up a hand and saying "Stop" or anything like that," I say.

"Sounds sensible," she answers. We share another look.

"So – now we're going to write down what we dislike the most and what hurt us the most, right?"

"I guess so," she replies, not looking very happy. I'm not feeling too well myself, but nobody said this would be easy.

"Not to forget to think about what we think the other ones writes down," I say, more for myself than for her, but she's nodding nonetheless.

"Okay, I'll get us pen and paper," I say, going towards my desk to get said things.

"Uh - Mom?" she says when I hand her some.

"Yes?"

"Do you mind… I mean I think it would be easier for me…," she sighs.

"What?" I ask.

"Do you want us to write it down here – in the same room?" she asks a little resigned.

Oh. I hadn't thought about that. No, I guess it's easier in separate rooms. "No, I'll go upstairs," I offer, already turning around. I'm nearly out of the room when she calls me again.

"Mom?" she says, sounding a little desperate. I turn around again.

"What is it?" I ask her. She looks at me, not knowing how to start. "Did you change your mind?" I ask her incredulously. It was her idea after all.

"No, it's just – "

I take a deep breath. "Lorelai," I say, going back towards her.

"I'm sorry," she says, looking at the carpet.

"You said it yourself we have to be honest. So whatever it is, just ask me, all right?"

"Do you mind if I got into my old room?" she asks quietly, still looking at the carpet. "I think it would be easier for me to write it down there," she finishes.

That was the question she was dreading to ask? There's a lot ahead of us then. "Of course not. It's still your room, Lorelai. You don't have to ask permission to go there. You know what – we'll both go into our rooms," I say, putting my hand slightly on her back to encourage her. But I quickly retreat. We're not used to touch each other. Still she smiles shyly at me and we climb the stairs together.

It's easier for her to write down what she dislikes about me in her room… Because she thought about this topic often when being there? Because her lovely room only holds bad memories for her? Is that the reason why she was shy to ask? I glance at her. Why is she such a mystery to me? I look at the stairs again and after some seconds I can feel her glance on me. We truly have a long a way to go. Much longer than the few stairs ahead of us.

I should try to be positive. Maybe she has other reasons to pick her room. It was after all the place she spent most of her time in this house – her place. Which still looks the same way. How will she react when she notices I didn't change a thing? Not even the open book she read.

We're reaching the top. "I'll knock when I'm ready," she says. I nod. After one last glance we go our separate ways.

* * *

_So my dea__r readers:_

_The first question I'm asking you: What do you think each of them is going to write down? I've made up my mind already, but I'd like to hear your ideas – it is over all the core __of their problems. _

_I hope you enjoyed it and I hope that I'll be able to update soon – no promises though. Thanks in advance for all your answers and time. _


	44. Revelations I

**Chapter 44: Revelations I**

_Good to know you're still reading this. __We're coming to the heart of it. I hope you enjoy the next chapter. Who wants to be reviewer #500? It's really amazing what a response I get with this story. Thanks so much._

Half an hour later I hear her knocking. "Come in," I say. She opens the door and peeks in.

"Are you ready?" she asks me.

"I guess so," I sigh.

"When you need more time, that's no problem. I can wait," she offers.

"No. I'm ready," I reply and she comes in. "Do you want to talk about it here?" I ask her.

"Here, downstairs, I don't mind," she shrugs. "We didn't talk here very often, so maybe it's worth a try," she suggests. I'd say we rarely talked at all, but interesting thought.

"Okay. Then sit down, please," I motion towards the couch. I hadn't thought she'd want to talk about it here – in my room. But well, her choice. I sit down in the armchair facing the couch in a 90 degree angle. "Who starts? Did your TV say anything about that?" I try to joke. She shakes her head.

"Are we going to say what we think the other one wrote?" she asks, barely looking at me. I think about it.

"I think that's tough. It could be hurtful, but also interesting…"

"…and insightful…," she adds.

"Yes. I'd say we try it – at least one thing," I conclude, looking at her expectantly. She nods. "Still there's the question of who's going to start," I say looking at my daughter, who looks like she'd be glad when I take charge. "All right, when you don't mind I'd like to hear your thoughts first, which means I have to say first what I think you've written," I say with another sigh. I think I picked the harder part for me, but I'm the mother so that's how it should be.

"Okay," she says timidly. "What do you think I dislike most about you?" I take some time and a deep breath before answering.

"My rules. That I'm too strict in your eyes," I answer. She swallows.

"And what hurt me the most?" she asks. That's hard to say.

"I don't know," I start and she looks up at me. "Honestly Lorelai. I can't think of any situation where I hurt you _"the most"_. Some curfew fight maybe or one of our numerous other fights - I don't know," I continue, noticing how I'm getting slightly defensive.

"It's not exactly a situation, more a permanent thing," Lorelai interferes.

"Are you going to make me guess here?" I snap at her, and she immediately quiets while looking at her hands. "I apologize, Lorelai. I really don't know what hurt you the most, but I'd like to hear it now," I offer ruefully.

"All right," she says, handing me her note, but I refuse.

"Read it to me, I want to hear it from you," I say. Reluctantly she opens the paper, swallows again, before starting to read.

"_Things I dislike about my mother: _

_that you expect me to like the same things you like, to dress the way you do, to eat and speak the way you do, to have the circle of friends you do, in short th__at you expect me to be like you,_

_that I constantly had different nannies and maids around me while growing up, that you went away with Dad in the evenings and left me alone,_

_that you always had to control my life, even after Rory was born, that I never could do anything good enough,_

_that you don't even try to understand me__._

_What hurts me the most:_

_That you don't love me for who I am," _she finishes, her voice breaking in the end.

She's crying. My beautiful baby girl sits on my couch crying because she thinks I don't love her. I'm sitting here too shocked to move. I'd say she can't be serious but her tears show me that she's deadly serious. Didn't I just tell her at our last meeting that I do love her? She lets the paper glide to the ground, putting her face in her hands and sobs. I get up and look outside the window. A sunny day. That can't be happening. And she didn't even mention my rules or my strictness. So she hated the nannies, I knew I shouldn't have given in to Trix and Richard, but it's too late now. Her sobs are reminding me where I should be right now, at her side, soothing her, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid to say something wrong, to do something wrong. But maybe standing here is the utmost wrong reaction. Another loud sob makes me turn around going to the place I know I should be. Tentatively I put my arm around her shoulder.

"Shh, it's okay, angel," I say, using my old pet name for her. I feel how she's trying to stop but doesn't succeed. I stroke her beautiful dark curls. When she's calming down a little I start to speak. "But it's not true, Lorelai. I do love you, I always have," I say, my hand trembling over her hair.

"No," she sobs again louder. "You love the Lorelai - you want to have. - When I do something - you want me - to do. But - you don't love - the real me," she sobs, putting her face in my lap, her whole body shaking with her sobs. I can't believe this. For a moment I consider if there's some truth in her words, but there isn't. I do love my daughter, of course I do. But clearly she thinks something different and as bitter as it is, that is my fault. After some time, I gently pull her up. Handing her my handkerchief I look my daughter into her swollen eyes.

"And now you listen to me," I say firmly. "I – love – you," I say, stressing every word. That wasn't half as difficult as I always thought it would be, but I guess seeing my sobbing daughter in front of me helped a good deal. "The real you," I add. "You're my daughter. No matter where you are or what you do, what you say, what you eat, how you speak, what kind of friends you have – I love you. I may not always like your decisions, in fact I often disliked them, but that never affected my love," I finish. She looks at me, blowing her nose. When she doesn't respond I go on. "Do you believe me?" She nods slightly. „Lorelai, please look at me," I demand. Slowly she obeys. „How could you think otherwise?" I ask her.

„You never said it. In fact this is the first time I can remember you saying those words to me. Even last week you couldn't bring yourself to say them. And you didn't show me either. I can't even remember a kiss from you and we never hugged as well," she says quietly. There's not much accusation in her voice. Just the facts. Correct facts. It takes all my strength not to let my own tears spill.

"You didn't want to be hugged," I offer lamely.

"That's not true," she whispers. And deep down I know she's right. Maybe she didn't want it when she was a teenager but what went wrong before? It's my fault. I can't face this much longer.

"Excuse me," I whisper hoarsely, fleeing to the balcony, letting my tears flow. My beloved daughter feels unloved. And it's my fault. I'm a failure as a mother. Even though I always wanted what's best for her. I remember the day of her birth and the promise I gave – to be the best mother. She had the best things, the best opportunities – but she didn't have the mother she wanted to have.

I feel that she's standing behind me.

"I'm sorry, Mom," she offers, but I hold up my hand. I don't want to hear apologies, just because she said what she feels. I hear her turning around and panic is rising inside me. What if she leaves now?

"Don't leave," I manage to say. Slowly she's stepping next to me. We're both staring ahead. "I wasn't taught to show physical affection," I finally say. "My mother didn't hug or kiss me either and I never doubted her love," I say, slightly accusingly.

"I always hug and kiss Rory," she replies, equally accusingly.

"I'm sorry, Lorelai," I say, stifling a sob. "I wanted you to have the best childhood, and believe me we had good times, when you were little," I say with a side-glance. "I was so proud of my little girl," I say trailing off. "I don't know how it went all so wrong," I finish.

"Because at some point I had a mind of my own. I didn't want to be your perfect little girl anymore," she says.

"But why?" I ask her. The question I always had. Why does she hate everything I like?

"I don't know. Because that's not me," she says. I guess that is the only answer, but it's so hard to accept. We stare at the trees and the sky again. "Thank you for telling me today," she says quietly. We turn towards each other. Cautiously I put a strand of her hair behind her ear.

"You're beautiful, did I ever tell you that?" I ask, unsure of her answer.

"Not often – but yes, sometimes you did. When I wore a nice dress for example," she adds. "Though I wasn't sure whether you meant the dress or me," she whispers.

"You," I simply say, being rewarded by her beautiful smile. "You think we can go inside, having a closer look at your note? I feel I'm up for it now," I say. She nods and leads the way. Inside she picks up her dropped note and hands it to me. This time we're both seated on the couch. I read her first point again.

_that you expect me to like the same things you like, to dress the way you do, to eat and speak the way you do, to have the circle of friends you do, in short th__at you expect me to be like you,_

"Yes, I did expect those things, but that wasn't anything unusual. And I can't understand why you don't like them. I always thought you just wanted to rebel. Am I right?" I ask her cautiously.

"I really don't like it, Mom. Maybe part of it was rebellion, but then that's also part of my personality. But it wasn't just out of spite. – At least not always, not only," she adds.

"I thought you did it to oppose me. When I was for something you were against it – no matter what. Just to hurt me," I say. She glances at me.

"I guess sometimes it was that way. I apologize, Mom. But as for the whole – it wasn't. Your world isn't my world. I really don't feel comfortable in it," she says. I nod. I still don't understand it, but I guess it's time to accept it – otherwise we'll never progress.

"All right," I reply. "How about from now on I try to accept your decisions and even try not to dislike them?" I ask her, knowing what a difficult task I'm getting into. It's hard to accept her decisions.

"Sounds good to me," she replies.

_that I constantly had different nannies and maids around me while growing up, that you went away with Dad in the evenings and left me alone,_

"Having a nanny wasn't unusual either. However I admit that the amount of times you spent with them was too much. I don't want to put the blame on others, but at first I was against having a full-time nanny. That was Trix wish and your father was of course on her side. I should've fought for us, I'm sorry, Lorelai," I say.

"What did you want?" she asks.

"A part-time nanny – more like a babysitter. Who's there when being needed. Not a person who lives with us. I only had a part-time nanny either when growing up," I explain. And how jealous I was of her nannies. I guess that's the reason they constantly changed. But I can't bring myself to admit that to her yet. It's hard enough to admit it to myself. "As for being away in the evenings – that was your father's job – at least most of the time. And mine was to accompany him." She nods. I wonder if there's more to say about the subject, but since she doesn't say anything and I don't know what to say either, I continue.

_that you always had to control my life, even after Rory was born, that I never could do anything good enough__,_

"I only wanted what's best for you, Lorelai," I say.

"But I know what's best for me – not you," she counters.

"You were sixteen. You never cared for a baby before, I only wanted to help – "

"- to control – "

"- that's not true. Besides it's not that you let me help a whole lot," I say getting louder. We both stop. I remember that I don't want to fight and that this point isn't worth one. We accomplished so much already. "You did a good job with Rory," I finally say.

"Thank you," she replies.

_that you don't even try to understand me__._

"I think right now I prove that I do try, don't you think?" She nods. We share a look. „And my rules – they didn't bother you?" I ask incredulously. "In more fights than I can count you complained about them – how I was so strict compared to other mothers and so on and so on."

"Of course they bothered me – though I might have exaggerated when saying you were much stricter than others. But it's not what I dislike about you. You're my mother of course you had to set rules. And well – when I didn't like them, I didn't follow them," she says sheepishly.

"Oh yes, I know," I say, nodding. "You truly are some girl, Lorelai Gilmore," I say. And you have really matured. I barely can recognize her. This is going way better than I thought. Of course I was shocked when hearing her feelings, but the way we talked about it… It's a miracle we didn't end up in a screaming match. It seems that we really want this to work.

„That leaves your note," she says, interrupting my thoughts. I know. I wish we could stop here. It goes so well right now. But she has a right to know about my feelings, about how she hurt me. And after realizing that I didn't know about her feelings, I wonder if she's any better with me.


	45. Revelations II

**Chapter 45: Revelations II**

_So her__e is the final part of my little trilogy. I hope you enjoy it. Thanks to everyone who took the time to review. These three chapters are important ones and I love to hear your thoughts. I'm away next week and after that it'll get busy again, so I'm not sure when the next update will be. It could even end here, don't you think? I have some scenes still in my head though, so I'm hesitating to call it complete. But now enjoy. _

"Yes," I reply. "So what do you think I dislike most about you?" I ask her. She takes a moment before she responds.

"Everything," she jokes. Before I can reprimand her, she apologizes. „Sorry, Mom, but that's hard to say. That I'm not like you, I guess. I'm not sure about that one, however I know when I hurt you the most," she finishes.

Yes, because that is oh so difficult to say. "And what would that have been?" I ask her nonetheless.

"Getting pregnant out of wedlock, of course," she replies. And then it hits me. As much as I don't know her, she doesn't know me either.

"All right, then. When you're finished I'm going to read it to you now," I say, waiting a moment, but she's nodding for me to go on. I unfold my paper.

"_Dear Lorelai,_

_it's hard to write these things down, but I'll try it nevertheless. I dislike when you're being disrespectful towards me. May it be the way you talk to me or the way you dress around me, everything you're doing to offend me, because you surely know I don't like these things. _

_I dislike when you don't follow my rules.__ Even when you think otherwise they don't were immoderate. Why is it so difficult to follow a curfew or stay in your room? Don't think I didn't know when you sneaked out, I did. Mostly I could guess where you'd go, but our worst fights were those times when I didn't know. It's terrible not to know where your child is. But what was I supposed to do? __You wouldn't listen to me anyway. And this is another thing – you don't listen to me – your mother. __I don't know why you don't, but you always have to rebel. Everything I like you dislike. I don't like that at all._

_I dislike that you only see the negative things in our world. There's a lot of good in it as well, but you don't even give it a chance. _

_I dislike that you're too proud to let your father and me help you. _

_I think you know when you hurt me the most. Of course in leaving the way you did__ – the ultimate sneak-out. Taking Rory with you and just leaving a note, finding a new place to live and new people to live with. That was the worst you could've done to me - ever." _I finish, my voice breaking in the end.

I stare blankly ahead of me. I have the urge to walk out on her again, but I force myself to stay and to keep the tears in check.

"What about me getting pregnant?" she finally breaks the awkward silence. Didn't she listen at all? I laugh bitterly.

"Of course I wasn't thrilled when you got pregnant, but in case you didn't notice, we never threw you out. We didn't even threaten to do so. After the first shock and anger we tried to support you. Sure it was a stupid thing to do, but it happened. We couldn't change it. It still could've gone the proper way – „

„- in marrying Christopher – „

„the most sensible option, yes. You didn't want that either. Still we supported you. We would've done everything for you and the baby, Lorelai and you knew it. Do you even know how I defended you in front of my friends? Do you know how I was pulling strings to make it possible for you to graduate after all?" I say, getting agitated.

"How should I know, you never told me. And for your stupid friends, I don't need their approval," she shouts.

"How could you leave me, Lorelai? How could you leave like that, who leaves like that? A note. _Dear Emily and Richard_ – why not stab me in the heart straight away? At least that way I wouldn't have to endure all the pain I did. And for what? To live as a maid, with all your brains and talents. And to confide in a strange woman. How could you do that to me?" I burst out. It seems that everything I locked away so carefully needs to be addressed right now.

"Mia was there when I needed, her," she shouts back, getting up.

"And I wasn't? Is that what you're trying to say?" I yell back, getting up as well. She turns around and leaves the room.

I hear her running towards her room, crying. I fall back down on the couch, crying, too. I knew we should've stopped with her note. How could she not know that this was the day she hurt me the most?

_Getting pregnant_. I laugh bitterly again. I'm long over that. I never despised Rory or the fact that she existed, I always loved her. The image of Mrs. Kingston is flashing my mind. I'm not like that, Lorelai, not at all. After calming down a bit, I hear other sounds of crying. Becky. Who hasn't a loving grandmother. I totally forgot about her. I'm sure we waked her with our fight. Going down the hall I hear the cries of two girls. I wonder if she'll accuse me of loving Becky more, just because I go there first. But that's rubbish. Becky is a baby. I can't just let her cry. Going into Lilly's room, I pick Becky up. I walk her around, singing quietly to her, calming both me and her. I know I have to go to Lorelai as well. And I have to keep myself in check. No more shouting or accusations. Please, God, don't let me destroy everything again. After a while my singing lulls Becky back to sleep. I carefully put her down, quietly close the door and stop before another one. I debate whether or not to knock. I decide against it quietly stepping into her room.

She's kneeling in front of her bed, her face in the sheets, still crying. I sit down on the bed, petting her hair once again. She stops immediately. But she doesn't look at me. Some single sobs are echoing through the room. I decide that it's time to share my part of that day. Maybe she understands then.

"Your father and I had to go out that evening. I was even making a remark about the fact you finally put that stroller away and Richard was mumbling something about his scarf. I was shouting upstairs that we're leaving. Suddenly a letter caught my eyes," I stop. It's too hard. I can never share this moment with her. Silent tears are running down my cheeks. "Your father was still mumbling about scarfs," I manage to say. She's taking a deep breath and so am I. "I was in bed for the next month," I skip. Her head snaps up. "Hadn't it been for your father, I'm not sure I'd ever left it again. I knew I'd lost you and with that I lost my will to…," I can't say it.

"Oh, Mom," she breathes. I look at her. She seems genuinely shocked. „Why didn't Dad tell me? I mean you knew where I was eventually…"

„And how would that have changed things? You made your choice – against your home. Against me…"

"Because I thought you didn't care," she defends herself. How could you think that? How could you ever think that? "I would've come, if I'd known I would've come," she says.

"And then?" I ask her bitterly. „You said yourself you had to leave. It wouldn't have changed a thing," I conclude.

"Yes, it would. I had to leave, but not at any price. I still don't understand, Mom. I called you. You barely said a thing. I thought you wouldn't care," she says, looking up at me.

"Oh Lorelai. I couldn't talk much. I was crying the whole time," I say, tears still rolling down my cheeks. She looks at me utterly shocked.

"I didn't know, I didn't know, Mom," she mumbles again and again and with time I manage to nod and to wipe away my tears. "I'm so sorry, Mom," she says, only glancing at me for a second. "Do you think you can ever forgive me?" she whispers, looking down at my lap.

Can I ever forgive her? The worst thing she did to me. But she didn't even know. And I want to start over. This is the biggest thing between us – at least from my side. Her little sobs are reminding me that I still didn't answer her. Looking at her kneeling before me, sobbing quietly, seeming genuinely shocked by what I just revealed to her, my heart starts to melt and for the first time I feel that maybe I am able to put this behind me. "I really want to," I reply. I put my index under her chin and force her to look at me. "But it's not going to work in a second. I'll seriously try though," I finish.

„Thank you," she says relieved, crying in my lap again. Absent-mindedly I start to stroke her hair again.

"Will you stop to shut me out?" I dare to ask her my biggest fear. She looks up at me again.

"Didn't I already start to do so? Rory comes here every week. I know she needs her grandparents. She loves you," she says, reminding me that even though she accuses me of not saying those words, she didn't do so either.

"Promise me you're not taking her away again at the first sign of trouble, or the second or third," I demand.

"I promise," she says. I guess I have to trust her. However hearing those words is a big relief.

"I think we should go back to your note now," she says getting up. When we're nearly outside her room, she first looks around and then at me. "You didn't change a thing in here," she states.

"No, I didn't," I simply say. With that I'm leaving for my room and she follows closely behind me. Does she realize that I always hoped she'd come back? That I tried to keep everything I could of her? We sit down on the couch again, looking at my note.

"_Disrespectful._ Didn't think that would be first on the list," she starts.

"It happened so often. I'm not even sure you always recognized it, but I would've never talked to my mother the way you talked to me," I say. She thinks about it.

"And how would she have reacted, if you ever did talk to her like that? I know you said you never did, but hypothetically – what would have happened?" she asks. I'm a little surprised by that question, but then I remember that she doesn't know her grandmother at all. She died shortly after Lorelai was born. Maybe a lot would've been different, had she lived longer. "Would she have beaten you?" Lorelai interrupts my thoughts.

"What? No! No, she never beat Hope or me. She was a very graceful and gentle woman. No, I think she just would've looked at me with a sad and disappointed look. I'm not even sure she would've said anything, but that look would've been enough to make me feel incredibly guilty and to make me apologize," I say.

"You never just looked at me, we always ended up fighting," Lorelai says.

"Well, I'm not my mother, Lorelai," I say.

"And that's all I'm trying to say," Lorelai says. "That I'm not you, no matter how much you wish I'd be," she quietly says. I never saw it like that, but she's right. I nod. "I do respect you, mother. I know I was disrespectful a lot of times, but I do and I did respect you. I'm not sure that makes much sense. Anyway I apologize for being disrespectful so often. You didn't deserve that. And I'm sorry when you were concerned about where I'd be, but at the time I never even thought that you'd actually worry about me. I always thought the only reason was you being angry, because I broke the rules," she says. She looks at the note again. "_The good things in your world… _I know it will be hard for me, but I'll try to see them," she offers. I smile at her.

"You know, the DAR does a lot of good things. Helping children in need, saving money for hospitals and various things…" I start.

"I know. But compared to what you could do it doesn't seem so much and the way you're going about it - anyway, I'll try to be more open-minded," she promises.

"Thank you," I say, ignoring her slight insults.

"As for being too proud to accept your help – I need to prove for myself that I can do it without you. I need to be independent, Mom. Please try to understand that," she pleads.

"But Mia is allowed to help you," I say, before I can stop myself.

"That's different. She's not just giving me amounts of money. I work for her. Sure she gave me that job when few people would've done so, but material things… I wouldn't take too much from her either. But we talk a lot. She convinced me to call you back then," she says, glancing at me. Great, do I have to be grateful now, or what? We're quiet for some time. "And you're really not mad that I got pregnant?" she starts again. "For spoiling your plans, disappointing you again?"

"Well, I'm sure you didn't plan that pregnancy – "

"Hell, no,"

"You know yourself it wasn't the smartest thing to do. No, I'm not mad, because you got pregnant. I admit I was disappointed, but that doesn't equal that you are a disappointment, Lorelai," I say. She swallows.

"Thank you," she says. After looking one final time at my note, she folds it again. Then she looks firmly into my eyes. "I promise not to shut you out again, Mom," she says solemnly.

I nod. "Thank you," I whisper, tearing up once more.

„So you'll try to accept my decisions and I promise not to shut you out again," she sums up.

"Pretty good result, isn't it?" I say, smiling at my daughter.

"Yes, pretty good indeed. Who'd have thought?" she says. „Oh my, is it that late already? I'm sorry, but I have to get back," she says.

"I'd drive you, but Becky is asleep," I explain.

"That's all right, don't worry about it," she says, getting up. "We're preparing a big wedding right now, I really have to leave. I was only allowed to go, because I made it sound really urgent – because honestly, I was so glad I finally found the courage to come, I didn't wanna lose it again," she chatters. I love to listen to her, though I do notice how she avoids mentioning Mia again.

"That's okay, Lorelai. I completely understand," I reply.

Downstairs it's getting awkward when we're about to say goodbye. How to act now? Just parting with a simple goodbye doesn't seem right. We glance at each other, before I finally pull myself together. "I know that I still haven't hugged you, but I just don't know how to start," I admit helplessly, hoping it was right to let my guard down once more.

Suddenly she comes towards me and throws her arms around me. At first we're both a little stiff – admittedly me more than her – but quickly I'm melting. My girl is embracing me. I can't believe it. Tears are threatening to spill again. And after some seconds she whispers into my ear. "I love you, Mom." She pulls away and I look into her teary eyes – mine have long spilled. I'm too emotional to speak, so I just put her face into my hands and give her cheek a little kiss. It seems as if the sun is rising in her eyes. She's swallowing and beaming at the same time. Finally she turns around and walks outside. She's a few steps away when I find my voice again.

"Come back soon," I shout after her.

"I will," she calls back, waving at me. And I wave back. Suddenly I have a flashback of my six-year-old waving at me, happy that I allowed her to go alone across the street to her friend - I had an eye on her all the time though, even when she didn't know - but soon it's melting into present time. And she's still waving.


	46. Happiness

_Anyone still there? I admit I rere__ad the whole story myself again it's such a long time since the last update. But I passed every exam, had a time out and now decided to give this the proper ending it deserves – at least that's the plan. Even though I still think the last chapter would've been a nice ending, but there are some things left untold. Not sure now is the best time to start posting again, since I'm away for two weeks soon, but well what's two weeks compared to the months you already had to wait, right? Besides if I don't start now, I'll always find another excuse and your reviews also let me know to write more and probably future ones will motivate me to get into the writing process again. Plus I never forgot about this story and always intended to write more._

**Chapter 46: ****Happiness**

I'm elated, relieved, happy, joyous – I'm feeling pure bliss. My daughter and I finally talked and we parted on good terms. Best terms. I never would've dreamt this possible. Yes, it was hurtful but in the end we achieved so much today. I'm humming and singing while going through the house. I even dust the banister myself, since I'm in no mood at all to hire a maid today. Nothing to spoil the perfect moment. When Becky wakes up again I bundle her up and take her for a walk through the snow. Life is beautiful. For the first time I feel that I can seriously let go of the past. I even think about surprising Richard, but no, I'll wait for him at home. Somehow it doesn't seem right to share this news at his work.

Finally I hear the door – Lilly. I rush into the foyer, Becky in my arms. "You'll never guess what happened today," I greet her, my smile probably reaching my ears. She lets her backpack fall to the floor and reaches for Becky. I give her away willingly.

"Something very good, concerning your mood," she replies, cradling her daughter. "Did you have a nice day? Mommy was away for so long, right?" she coos at her, playing with her tiny fingers.

"Come on, guess," I demand, sounding very chipper. That makes her turn her attention to me again. She looks at me closely. It seems she's afraid to ask this, but finally she tries.

"Lorelai?" she cautiously says.

"Yes," I nod still grinning.

"Oh Emily, that's great. I'm so happy for you. Did you talk? Did she come? What happened?" she asks, excitedly and I summarize the events of this day. "I'm so happy for you," she repeats, giving me a quick hug. Then she looks around.

"Did you hire a new maid?" she asks, knowing that this was my plan for today.

"No," I reply.

"Do you want me to help with dinner?" she offers.

"No, thank you. I thought we'd celebrate and go out tonight. Which reminds me, I still have to decide on my outfit. And you should start your homework, we're leaving as soon as Richard comes home," I remind her, turning to go upstairs.

Either the green suit or the brown one. I hold both up against the mirror, when I hear a knock. "Come in," I say, seeing in the mirror that Lilly steps into my room. "Oh good you're here, what do you say, which one?" I ask, turning around, holding both dresses up for her. She tilts her head and thinks about it for some seconds.

"The green one. It suits you," she decides.

"Green it is," I reply still chipper, going over to get my sapphire jewellery. Lilly is still in my room. "What is it?" I ask, giving her a quick glance. "Are you having fashion trouble as well? I'll be over as soon as I'm done here," I assure her.

"I'm not sure I should come with you tonight," she says quietly. I turn to her immediately.

"Nonsense. You'll come with us. And Becky, too. Besides there's nothing to eat here," I try to convince her.

"I could order pizza," she says, clearly unconvinced.

"That's not necessary," I reply. And no proper food I add in my mind.

"I think it is. It's your day, your celebration, don't you think?" she says, and I wonder if she's thinking of her parents.

"We'd love to have you with us, I hope you know that," I say, looking intently at her.

"I do. Really. But I have to study as well. I'm more behind than I thought. Please. Enjoy your evening, just the two of you. You deserve it. I'm fine with pizza, books and Becky," she says smiling. We share a look.

"All right. But if you change your mind – "

"You should wear the blue-green scarf. That would fit perfectly," she says. I nod.

* * *

I wait for Richard next to the door, already dressed up. As soon as he steps into the house I kiss him hello.

"My, my, what a nice greeting," he says after I've stepped back again. "What did I do to deserve this?" he asks, reaching for me once more.

"Nothing," I reply, granting him another kiss. "We're going out tonight. Mill on the river in half an hour," I say.

"Mill on the river?" he repeats, probably thinking back to all the evenings we spend there, and the nights that followed. I decided to reserve this one after Lilly wanted to stay home. "That sounds lovely," he concludes, still observing me and my probably slightly strange behaviour. "Do we have something to celebrate? I didn't miss anything, did I?" he asks, and I see he's going through anniversary dates in his mind.

"Yes and no," I reply.

"As always you're a mystery to me Emily Gilmore," he says in a teasing tone. "I'm afraid you have to spell it out for me," he adds.

"Lorelai," I nearly choke out. Somehow I'm suddenly overcome with emotion, telling him. He seems a little shocked at the sudden change of my mood. "She came and we talked. Really talked. About our feelings and hurt and everything. It was very insightful. We didn't know each other that well, but it ended well Richard. She won't shut us out again," I whisper, tears brimming in my eyes. "I'll try to accept her decisions from now on. She asked me to forgive her. And we hugged. I even kissed her," I tell him the most important facts, embracing him in the end. My head resting against his chest, some tears falling. "I'm so happy, Richard," I manage to say. I feel him kissing my hair.

"That's wonderful, Emily. Just wonderful," he murmurs, finally forcing me to look at him. His eyes are glistening as well. We share a soft long kiss. "Will you tell me in order and detail now?" he finally asks.

"Of course," I laugh, "but you should get ready as well," I add.

* * *

The evening was wonderful. We sat in a secluded corner, just the two of us, no one to overhear our conversation, as I'd requested. I told him in detail. He caressed my hand over the table, sometimes kissing it, especially when I came close to tears again. We ate, drank wine and danced. I felt so close to him, so elated. "We have our daughter back – at least in some way," I whisper in his ear and he gives my head another kiss. I don't even want to think about that maybe this isn't forever. That we'll fight again at some point. No, tonight I want to enjoy it. Enjoying and being happy.

* * *

"Richard?" I ask, snuggling up to him, after we continued our celebration in bed.

"Hmm?" he replies, holding me close.

"Do you regret that you weren't here today?" I ask. He tilts my head up, so that we can see each others eyes.

"No. I think it was good it was just the two of you. Otherwise it would've been two against one and well, you and Lorelai have more to solve simply because I was away so often. I'm glad you could talk today. I'm not saying that Lorelai and I don't have our share of problems, but it was important you did this alone. And you did well, both of you," he finishes, kissing my forehead.

"Is it crazy that I don't want this day to end? I don't even want to go to sleep, because I'm afraid it was all a dream," I admit.

"You're not crazy and it's not a dream," he reassures me. "About not going to sleep, well I'd have something in mind I'd rather do as well," he grins mischievously, rolling us over and hovering over me again. "Don't you agree?" he winks at me.

"I agree," I smile at him, enjoying his kisses on my body. His attention and peace with Lorelai. Perfection.

* * *

„Richard?" I ask my husband Friday morning at the breakfast table. It's just the two of us, Lilly is still upstairs, dressing Becky.

"Hmm?" he grunts, not even looking up from his paper. I sigh inwardly.

"What do you think, should I invite Lorelai for dinner today?" I speak out what's been on my mind for some time. Should the Fridays be different now that our relationship changed? And my worst fear – did it really change?

"Doesn't she have to work?" he replies, finally glancing at me. Right, I haven't thought of that.

"I'm not sure, but just the invitation would be a sign, right?" I ask, a little unsure.

"A sign for what," he asks, hiding behind his paper again. He could drive me insane with this behaviour.

"I don't know, that's why I'm asking you," I say, getting slightly annoyed.

"Emily. Don't think too much about it," he says, finally lowering his paper and giving me his full attention. He knows the tone of my voice perfectly. "I'd rather say you leave it as it is. And when you return Rory after dinner, maybe you could talk a little to her, testing how she's feeling. Inviting her could mean pressure, but I'm not sure. I wasn't there. It's your decision. Just don't want too much in too less time. You have to get used to the new situation. We all have to," he finishes, picking up his paper once more, signalling me that this is the last he has to say about it. I sigh audibly this time and take another sip of coffee. The next minutes we're silent. He's reading and I'm still brooding over my behaviour towards Lorelai today. When I'm leaning towards following Richard's advice, he gets up, stopping at my place. "Emily. Just enjoy your day with Rory, all right? You said you both want it to work. Don't think too much about every tiny little detail," he says, looking into my eyes. I nod. He's right. But it's hard to change. I paid attention to every word, every gesture ever since we got in touch again – at least I tried to - always fearing to drive her away again. "Have a nice day, darling," he adds, bending down to kiss me.

"You too," I reply, giving him a grateful look.

* * *

I followed Richard's advice and focused on Rory. At least as much as possible. We had a nice day. Reading fairy-tales, looking for fairies of course, going for a walk with Becky, playing with her when coming back. I utterly enjoyed every minute of it. She's really a cute little girl and still smitten with babies. Now I'm on my way to bring her back to the inn. I'm getting nervous, fearing that Lorelai might have changed again.

"… wasn't it, Grandma?" I hear my granddaughter laughing, from the backseat.

"I'm sorry, Sweetie, I didn't pay attention. What did you ask?" I say, glancing at her in the rear-mirror. She's truly a Gilmore, always chattering.

"That was funny when we waited outside for Grandpa, throwing snow at him, wasn't it?" she giggles.

"Oh yes, it was," I reply, thinking again of Rory's sad face when she said it's a pity she never could have a snowball fight with Richard, since he's away for so long. That's when we came up with the idea to surprise him. After all it's spring soon.

"He looked shocked, didn't he?" she giggles again.

"For sure," I say, having to smile when remembering his face. He reacted quickly though and in the end I had to stop them. Even though I do have another set of clothes for her at home by now.

We arrived. As soon as Rory calls out for her, Lorelai comes out of the inn, catching Rory who throws herself in her arms, recalling the snowball fight again. For a second Lorelai looks a little shocked as well, but she recovers quickly. I'm sure Rory didn't notice. I slowly go up to them.

"So you had fun with Grandma and Grandpa?" Lorelai asks.

"Yes," Rory says, nodding. She wants to go on, but is interrupted by our greetings. I thought so much about it, but now it's just a simple "Hello, Mom," from Lorelai, which I return.

"Thanks for taking, Rory," Lorelai says, looking at me, and this is a change. She never thanked me before it was always the other way round.

"It was my pleasure," I say, smiling at both of them.

"And you were a good girl?" she asks Rory. For a second she glances at me, before nodding.

"Of course she was. I'm happy to have her over," I say, still wondering whether or not I should bring up inviting Lorelai for next week.

"Lorelai? Could you come help me with the Hendersons?" another girls says, coming out. She stops short when she's seeing us. "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you, but they're again complaining and I don't know how to calm them and Mia is gone for the evening and I'd really appreciate if you could come. They seem to like you. At least yesterday," she says, rolling her eyes, and I see my daughter returning the gesture.

"Sure, Donna. Just a minute," she replies.

„Thanks. You're an angel," the girl named Donna replies and turns around. "But please, don't let me wait too long," she calls out. She looks a little flippant. They seem friendly and somehow I can imagine Lorelai and that girl getting along very well.

"Um, sorry, Mom, but you heard. They're a bit difficult," she explains.

"I understand," I reply. At least this way it's decided for me, that we won't talk any longer. "And they listen to you?" I can't but ask.

"I guess I'm just lucky they like me," she shrugs. "Rory, it's bedtime soon, say goodbye to Grandma and then start to get ready, will you?" Lorelai says, looking at Rory.

"But you'll read to me, right?" Rory asks.

"Of course. I won't take that long," she says. Rory steps towards me to hug me and I bend down to embrace her.

"Goodbye Grandma," she says, kissing my cheek. "And goodnight," she adds.

"Goodnight, Sweetie," I mumble into her hair, tightening my embrace.

"Can I wave?" she asks, looking expectantly at Lorelai, while stepping out of the embrace.

"Of course you _may_," Lorelai replies slightly stressing the last word before turning towards me. For a moment it gets awkward, but then I make a step towards her and suddenly she kisses my cheek as well. "Goodbye, Mom," she says, before quickly stepping away again.

"Goodbye, Angel," I say and only notice I used her old pet name when her smile reaches her eyes. Then she's off to help out Donna, with those difficult guests. I didn't think she'd be called for something like that. She's really a mystery. There's so much I still need to know about my daughter – and vice versa I guess. But I know one thing for sure now: we did change. She kissed me. I can't even remember the last time she did. I'm still staring after her, when suddenly Rory tugs at my skirt.

"How many nights until I'm going with you again?" she asks.

"Seven," I reply. "A week has seven days," I explain.

„Seven," she sighs.

„It's not that long. And now be a good girl and get ready for bed," I remind her.

"But I'm allowed to wave," she chimes in.

"Yes, you are, but when I'm gone you get ready," I remind her.

"Of course," she replies and I think about how different my girls are. But I have them back. Lorelai is still making an effort as am I. My fears were without any reason. I'm happy as I wave to my granddaughter, driving back home, already looking forward to next Friday – as does my granddaughter and maybe even my daughter. Life is wonderful.


	47. Thoughts

_Wow – over 1000 hits in one day! And over 70 alerts. If only half of you would review. Thanks so much to those who did – old and new readers. I'm so happy you still like this story and continue reading. BTW last chapter was the longest, but I guess I owed you that after such a long break. I hope you also enjoy the newest chapter._

**Chapter 47:**** Thoughts**

I'm lying in bed listening to the soft spring rain and Richard's short snores. I still can't believe that Lorelai and I didn't get into another fight since our talk. And last Friday I managed to casually mention that she's free to join us for dinner on Fridays when she wants to and doesn't have to work. I remember her look being a mixture of surprise and yes, I think fear. Just for a tiny second, but I'm sure it was there. And I can't blame her. Every meeting could be a potential starting point of another fight. Still, I want more than just seeing her when returning Rory. And I think she agrees, since after a short moment she replied:

"_Sure, Mom. But Fridays are often busy, so I can't promise you anything." _

"_That's quite all right. There's always enough food and you know we always eat at seven, so you can even drop by spontaneously if you want to," I offered. _

She gave me another surprised look and I can't deny that I'm quite proud of myself. That went exactly as I wanted it to. I didn't pressure her in any way.

I really should go to sleep now, but just when I turn again I hear Becky crying. I wonder if she starts to teethe already, but then she's almost half a year so could be. Lorelai was about that age. Oh and how fussy and whiny she was. But I guess it hurts them a good deal. Well, fact is that Becky seems a little stressed lately and so does Lilly. So either Becky is sensing her mother's disquiet or she's cutting a tooth. I debate getting up to help her calming Becky when the cries are slowly subsiding and I hear quiet singing instead.

Thinking about Lilly she really has a lot to do right now. Even with me helping her taking care of Becky and a nanny who I can call when I'm busy too – we finally found a rather competent and nice woman – she has a lot on her mind. Catching up at Chilton, being a young mother and trying to help around the house. As much as I discourage her in doing so, she still feels the need to contribute her share. Yes, it's no surprise she seems stressed. And I just don't know what to do about it. She's rarely smiling when coming from school. Oh she does as soon as she sees Becky, but when she's still outside she doesn't look happy. I guess I'll have to talk to her. Maybe there is something I can do. Maybe she has a problem in one or more subjects and just doesn't dare to ask for help. Yes, I'll talk to her soon. Tomorrow. I should go to sleep now, but of course the rain has stopped by now. I love that noise, it's so soothing. Much better than the snoring, which can be unnerving. Especially tonight, since I am a little fidgety. I don't know why, but that's the way it is. After a particularly loud snore I nudge Richard rather roughly.

"Hmm?" he asks groggily and I'm already regretting to have woken him.

"You're snoring," I reply. "Go to sleep, or better let me go to sleep, then go to sleep," I add.

"Very funny," he growls. "I was sleeping fine," he says, rolling on his side to face me. "What's wrong?" he questions when he sees me being wide awake.

"Nothing," I sigh. He looks at the alarm-clock. 1 am.

"Sure," he says, raising his right eyebrow.

"I just can't sleep. I'm sorry I woke you. Go to sleep," I say, not knowing how to explain my mood.

"Well, you could make it worth my while," he says. "The waking up," he adds unnecessarily.

"You're tired," I reply.

"I'm awake now – thanks to you," he says, moving in closer and he really doesn't look that tired anymore.

"All right," I decide, leaning in to give him a chaste kiss on the lips. "Apology accepted?" I ask him.

„Not quite," he replies, pinning me down, giving me a passionate kiss, that's able to quiet my thoughts. "That's more likely what I had in mind," he says after we're able to breathe again.

"Just that?" I ask him teasingly.

„Stop asking," he growls, before kissing me again, his hands pulling up my nightgown. "I bet you'll be tired soon," he smirks, before he starts to shower me with kisses. I let him have his way, revelling in his touches.

* * *

"I'm home," Lilly yells, dropping her schoolbag to get rid of her jacket. When I go into the foyer it's already hanging on the wardrobe and she's picking up her bag.

"Hello Lilly," I greet her. "How are you?"

"Hello Emily. Where's Becky? How was your day?" she asks. Usually Becky would be in my arms right now, greeting her mother but I think I was right about the teething. She was whiny the whole morning and didn't want to take her usual nap.

"I guess she's cutting her first tooth," I say. "She was fidgeting and whimpering the whole morning. I couldn't get her to sleep after lunch, but she fell asleep 20 minutes ago," I explain.

"Oh. Okay," she says, clearly disappointed.

"Well, I guess she'll keep you awake this night again. Were you tired today?" I inquire.

"Did you hear us? I'm sorry – "

"I was awake anyway. I was even thinking about coming over. You really need your sleep. So if you need any help while she's going through this – "

"No. I can manage. That's quite all right," she quickly says. I look at her, deciding to drop the subject for the time being. Maybe she'll take me up on my offer after some more interrupted nights.

„So how was school?" I try again.

"Fine," she replies, going to the kitchen to get some cookies.

"Nothing happened?" I ask, following her.

"Nothing worth mentioning," she replies. I'm about to question her further, but she seems to sense it. "I'll better go doing my homework as long as Becky is asleep," she quickly adds, already turning around.

"Lilly?" I hold her back.

"Yes?" she turns around again. I still don't know how to voice my concerns. I don't mean to offend her in assuming she's having difficulties. She's looking at me expectantly.

"Nothing," I dismiss her and she turns away once more. "Just – " she gives me a look over her shoulder – a rather unnerved one and I can't blame her. I sigh. "You know you can talk to me, right? No matter what. If you need any kind of help – I'm here," I offer, hoping to get through to her this way.

"Thanks," she says, finally going upstairs to do her homework. This didn't work as planned – but then I didn't really have a plan. I hate that I don't know what's bothering her. Maybe it is just Becky being fussy on top of all the stress at school. Chilton is demanding I know that. But I still believe she can pull it off.

While going through the kitchen, planning the menus and grocery shopping lists it finally hits me. She needs some diversion. Just school and her baby. She practically has no social life. Of course she's stressed. She's a teenager. Even Lorelai still went out sometimes. Lilly never does. Why didn't I see this sooner? Well at first because I thought it was just the lack of friends. But she should make friends now. Though maybe she doesn't even have time for that? She mostly comes home for lunch break and after school it's all homework and Becky. So she just has the lessons and some short breaks in between. I guess that's too less to form some friendships, especially since she started late and her status as a young mother – which everyone does know about, you can't keep something like that quiet – are marking her as an outsider as well. Though living with us prevents her from being mobbed – as far as I know. Sure some women started talking again, even bringing up Lorelai when they thought I wouldn't listen, but back then it was far worse. I know how to stare them down by now, so I really don't think this is an issue. I'm sure it's more of a timing issue, since I know the mothers and grandmothers of some of her classmates and they wouldn't want me as an enemy. Yes, I must've been blind not to recognize the reason of her mood changes any sooner. Well, now that I know her problem I should be able to rectify it. Looking at the calendar I see that her birthday is coming up soon and an idea begins to form in my mind. Yes, that will be perfect.

* * *

"Isn't Susan Marshall in your English class?" I ask Lilly over dinner. It's just the two of us, Richard is still working and Becky is sleeping. Her whole rhythm is turned upside down because of the teething.

"Yes. Why?" she asks, cutting her meat.

"I'm just asking. I know her mother. She's a nice woman," I say, waiting for a comment, but Lilly just nods. "Sometimes I'm planning events with her and she's one of the more competent ones," I add, observing Lilly's reaction, but other than eating her carrots and nodding absently there's nothing. "So what about her daughter? Do you like her?" I ask and finally she's looking up.

„Oh, well, she's okay," Lilly replies. Okay. That's not very revealing.

„And what about Jane Henderson? She's your age as well, isn't she?" I prod further.

"Uhuh," she replies, swallowing her mashed potatoes. I give her a pointed look. "Yes, ma'am. She's in my History class," she corrects herself.

"And – do you like her?" I inquire. This is really tiring. Lilly seems to think the same since she sighs, before putting her cutlery down.

"I don't really know them," she admits quietly.

"But you should," I reply. She's giving me a strange look. "I think you should try to make some friends. Go out if you want," I suggest.

"I don't think we have much in common. They live in another world. I have Becky. I need to catch up. I don't have time for parties," she says slowly.

"Well, I'm not saying you should be partying all the time," I counter. Certainly not. "Just spend some time with them. Go to the mall or wherever you young people meet. It would do you good," I say. She's turning towards her dinner.

„This was really good," she finally says, after finishing her dinner. "What's for dessert?"

I study her for a moment. Clearly she wants to change the topic. She looks exhausted and I decide not to pressure her and let it go for the moment. I made my point clear and she'll think about it and come to the same conclusion. "Mousse au chocolat," I say and her face lits up. She loves chocolate. Well, who doesn't? „You know, once we're finished we should wake up Becky. As angry as she'll be otherwise you won't get any sleep at all tonight," I say.

She nods. "I know," she says, before turning to her dessert.

The following days I try to get some information about her classmates out of Lilly, but I'm pretty unsuccessful. She just seems so tired. Finally I decide to let it go and to take matters into my own hands.

* * *

"I liked your food today – especially the pudding. I love chocolate pudding," Rory chatters from the backseat. I'm once more driving her back to the inn. I was hoping Lorelai would stop by and to be honest I am a little disappointed she didn't – I even waited until 7:10 pm to start dinner - but I'll do my best not to show her. I promised myself not to pressure her and she doesn't need to know that her decision saddens me a bit. Well, I guess I should be grateful that we're able to talk without fighting. "…, Grandma? Grandma are you listening to me?" Rory asks, leaning a little forward.

„I'm sorry Sweetie, I had to pay attention to the road," I fib. "What did you say?"

"Will you make chocolate pudding again next week?" she patiently repeats her question.

"Would you like that?" I ask.

"Oh yes, it was so great. I'm sure Mom would love it as well – she loves pudding," she observes.

"I know," I mumble, coming to a halt in front of the inn. We've just climbed out of the car when I spot Lorelai coming outside.

"Hi angel, did you have a nice time with Grandma?" Lorelai asks her. Angel. She's using my pet name for her with Rory now. Did she just start this, or didn't I notice before? Rory is nodding excitedly, showing Lorelai the picture she coloured for her. "For me? That's beautiful, thank you," Lorelai says, embracing her before turning her attention to me.

"Hello Lorelai," I greet my daughter. She's in her uniform again. It always stings to see her like this. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to get over it.

"Hi Mom. I hope she wasn't any trouble?" she asks.

"Of course not," I reply. "We had a nice time, didn't we?" I ask smiling at Rory.

"Yes," she nods excitedly. "Grandma got me all this new crayons to colour with – that was fun," she tells Lorelai.

"They're still at home. Just a few so that she can colour," I explain.

"Oh that's all right," Lorelai says.

"I made a picture for you and Grandma and Grandpa and Sookie and Donna and Mia," Rory goes on, not realizing what our exchange was about. Mia. Another sting.

"Wow – that's a lot of work you did. Are they all as beautiful as mine?" Lorelai asks.

"I hope so," Rory shrugs.

"They are," I affirm her, getting a smile in return.

"Oh and Mom, Grandma made the most wonderful chocolate pudding for dessert," Rory gushes. I close my eyes for a moment.

"Really?" Lorelai asks surprised.

"The maid did," I clarify, but Lorelai still looks at me amazed. "Well, I need to go. I'll see you next week," I say, bending down to say my goodbyes to Rory. "Lorelai," I say, nodding towards my daughter, before heading to my car. As much as it hurts to see our wall building again, I can't change it. I am disappointed and I hate myself for it.

"Mom," Lorelai comes running after me. I steel myself before turning around.

"Yes, Lorelai?" I ask, my voice neutral.

"I'm sorry I didn't come to dinner today. I planned to, I really did," she says, looking rather desperate. I wonder if she's saying the truth.

"It's just an open invitation, Lorelai. There's no need to justify yourself," I reply.

"Mom, please. I swear I planned to come. I was already changing, when this group of bikers arrived spontaneously. Apparently they misjudged some distance and needed a place for the night. We all had to help getting the rooms ready. I couldn't go," she rambles on.

"It's all right, Lorelai. As I said there's no need to justify yourself, "I repeat, my eyes lingering on about eight motorbikes. Lorelai follows my gaze.

"I'm not making this up," she mumbles, looking hurt. Great. How did we end up here?

"I believe you, I never said I wouldn't," I say calmly. "Maybe we have more luck in the future," I try to chase her hurt look away – more or less successful.

"Yes, maybe," she mumbles. I want to see her smile again, but I don't know what to say to make her feel better.

"Goodbye, angel," I try and the shadow of a smile grazes her features, when I use her pet name. I'm close to touch her cheek, but I don't.

"Goodbye, Mom," she replies. "I'll try to come as soon as possible, but I can't promise you anything. You never know what's going on around here," she says.

"I know. As I said, maybe we'll have more luck next time," I say, getting into the car. "Don't worry about it," I say looking at her, hoping to make her feel better.

"Thanks for taking, Rory," she says.

"It was my pleasure. I'm always looking forward to Fridays," I admit and she smiles a little more.

"Say hello to Dad from me," she says, before I'm starting the engine.

"I will," I say, driving away. She's waving at me and a little behind her Rory is waving, too. I guess she told her to stay there. I'm waving back at my girls. I hope this was just a temporary step back. I don't want that wall to get higher again. I didn't mean to show my disappointment, why couldn't I hide it? Why did I transfer my sorrow to her? I sigh. Next Friday has to be different, whether she's coming or not. I wonder how often I'll have to eat chocolate pudding before she'll kiss me again.


	48. Mama

_Thanks for your reviews. I'm glad you like it and I'__m always happy to hear that there are still new people discovering this. BTW last chapter was again the longest. I hope you'll enjoy this chapter as well. _

**Chapter 48:**** Ma-ma**

„What do you want for your birthday?" I question Lilly after dinner. Richard is in his study, I'm writing some letters and Lilly is playing with Becky. I was right about the teething, by now a tiny little white tooth is greeting you when she's smiling. It's cute. She's also not so fussy anymore which makes it less stressful for Lilly during nights. That came just in time since Lilly really didn't look well anymore.

"I don't need anything," Lilly replies, looking up at me.

"Nonsense. It's your birthday," I counter.

„Seriously, Emily. You're already paying for Chilton. I get everything I need for me and Becky. I have everything," she replies stubbornly. I stare at her pointedly. For a little while she's able to stand her ground, but finally she looks down. "Well, I guess I need some school supplies," she says.

"Which would fall into the category _"getting you everything you need"._ It's not an appropriate birthday gift," I counter, still staring at her.

"Whatever," she shrugs, ignoring my staring. I sigh. "So I guess I have to come up with something," I mumble, going back to my letter.

"If you insist," she replies. "The only thing I want – " she starts.

"Yes?" I cut her off hopefully.

"The only thing I want is for this little girl finally saying Mama," she finishes. "Come on Becky. Try again. Ma – ma," she says kneeling in front of her, repeating to coax it out of her. For days it's going like this.

„Da," Becky replies, grabbing some of her hair.

"No, no, not _da_ and let go of my hair," she laughs, trying to free herself. I'm torn between sighing once more and laughing.

"Come here, Becky," I coax her away from her mother. "See this is your Mama. Ma-ma," I say slowly, pointing at Lilly.

"La," Becky babbles, looking alternately at me and Lilly. "La," she repeats, getting hold of my pearls.

"Oh no, not my pearls young lady," I say, catching her little fingers to free them. She gives me a smile and I have to return it. "You'll learn soon enough," I say, kissing her soft hair tenderly, before putting her on the carpet again. She's crawling to her mother, picking up some toys, presenting them to her.

"You want to play some more? What about some tiny little word? Ma – ma, ma – ma," Lilly chants and I can't but smile. Becky is babbling some nonsense in return. "Oh you, you want to keep me on my toes, right?" she starts nuzzling her and Becky starts squeaking. When they're finished Lilly looks at me again. "Are you sure, she'll say it soon?"

"I guess. She's already starting to say some syllables. Just not _Ma_," I tease her.

"Very funny," she replies pouting.

"I'm sure she'll say it soon. Be patient," I admonish her slightly. She sighs. "And seriously, there's nothing you want besides that?" I ask her again. She shakes her head and I sigh again.

„See? This way we both don't get what we want," she winks, before focussing on Becky again. Well, then I'll just have to make up my own mind. And I will.

* * *

It's Saturday. Lilly's birthday. Lorelai didn't come again yesterday. When bringing back Rory I didn't have much time, because there was still so much to prepare for Lilly's birthday. I'm afraid she misinterpreted my shortness. Her look was bugging me the whole night. Another thought that kept me awake. Well, I have to forget about it for today. Next time I'll see her I'll figure it out and fix it. Hopefully. I look at the breakfast table one last time, moving the candle a little and giving the flowers – lilies - a last touch. Yes, it looks beautiful. Finally I hear Lilly coming down the stairs.

"Happy Birthday," I greet her, smiling at both of them.

"Thank you. The table looks great, Emily. Thanks," she says, placing Becky in the high chair. "Da, la, da, ma, la – " she babbles, beating the place in front of her. Lilly is looking at me wide-eyed.

"Did you hear that? She said _ma_, didn't she?" she's asking me excitedly.

"I guess so," I reply, trying hard to suppress my smile. Never will I let her know that I practised endlessly with Becky and yes, I did hear her saying _ma_ before – just not twice. And I'm even happy she didn't say the full word without Lilly being present. Should she ever get suspicious I can honestly tell her she didn't say it the first time when being with me.

"Aren't you great? You said _Ma_! Say it again. Please. Ma – ma," Lilly says, bending down to her daughter.

"Da – ma – "

"Yes, that's it, baby. Ma – ma," she tries again.

"La," Becky says, beating her plate with her plastic spoon. Lilly sighs.

"Come on Sweetheart. Ma – ma," I try as well. „This is your Ma-ma," I point at Lilly. "It's her birthday today and you'd make her so happy when you'd just say Ma-ma," I try what I did for the last days. Only that this time Lilly is actually there.

"Ma," Becky says, smiling at me.

"Good girl," I say, giving her a cookie (like I did when she said it before), getting a triumphant look from Becky while Lilly claps and jumps up and down excitedly.

"Ma," Becky says again, after finishing her cookie, stretching her little hand out to me.

"No, it's Ma-ma. Ma-ma," I repeat. Becky frowns at me.

„Ma," she repeats, showing me her empty hand.

"You'll get another cookie, but not before you say it twice. Ma-ma. Ma-ma," I repeat.

„Oh please, baby. Just once. You'd make my day. Say Ma-ma," Lilly chimes in. I just hope Richard isn't coming in. It must look ridiculous. Two women trying to bribe a baby into saying Mama.

Becky is looking at Lilly, then at me, then at Lilly. After thinking for a while and listening to our repeated mantra, she finally says "Ma-ma,"

"Oh you did it, thank you baby, thanks so much," Lilly exclaims, pulling Becky into her arms and dancing through the room with her startled daughter.

"And I have it all on tape," I hear Richard saying from the foyer.

"What?" I exclaim, spinning around. I didn't notice him before, but there he is, looking proudly at us, some monstrous technical thing in his hands.

"I just hope I did it right," he mumbles.

"Richard Gilmore, what do you think you're doing?" I demand, going to him and looking disgusted at his new toy.

"Well, this is a camcorder and I thought with Becky around and her learning so many new things every day, it'd be nice to have a few of them on tape. And as it seems I was just in time to capture her saying Mama the first time, am I right?" he asks, looking innocently at me.

"You are, she said it," Lilly says still excited. "You really think you have it on tape?" she asks him anxiously.

"I think so. Happy Birthday," he says.

„Thank you. I just got the best present," she says, dancing away again, but Becky stretches her little hand towards me. At first Lilly's outburst distracted her, but she wouldn't forget about her reward. I give her another cookie.

"Yes, you did that very well," I praise her. "And we'll talk later," I say to Richard. "Now let's have breakfast," I announce, sitting down. "Without your new toy," I add, giving it another disdainful look.

"As you wish, my dear," Richard says, carefully putting it on a nearby table.

After breakfast I hand Lilly a little gift. "But you know you shouldn't," she starts again.

"Nonsense. It's your birthday and even when you already got the best gift ever, here's another one," I state firmly.

"Thanks," she says unwrapping it. Becky immediately grabs the paper and I have to be quick to rescue it from her mouth, which earns me a pout in return that's soon to change into tears. To prevent that, I give her another cookie.

"Don't think it will be like this every day," I say sternly, before focussing on Lilly just in time to catch her surprised look when she's indeed realizing that I got her some school supplies. She's giving me a strange look. "Oh isn't that what you wanted? I'm afraid I wasn't very creative, I'm sorry," I say innocently.

"No, no. That's all right. Thank you, Emily. It is what I wanted," she recovers quickly.

"You know it's your own fault. Would you have said what you really wanted – " I start.

"It's fine, Emily. I like the pens and everything. Really," she says.

„Now Emily, I know we agreed that presents are your task, but you can't be serious," Richard chimes in. "Good thing I planned ahead," he says, reaching into his jacket to hand Lilly an envelope, giving me a strange look.

"No, please, Richard. It's okay. I told her I didn't want anything. You're doing enough as it is, with Chilton and everything. I don't need another present," she says, blushing.

"So you accept hers but not mine?" he asks her pointedly. "Happy birthday, Lilly," he says softer when he notices how uncomfortable she feels. Reluctantly she takes the envelope.

"Thank you," she mumbles. "I need to change Becky's diaper," she says, fleeing upstairs.

„What's this about? Pens and notebooks? There weren't any dresses around?" he asks me incredulously.

"And what's this about?" I say gesturing to the monstrous thing. „A tapecorder – "

„It's called a camcorder, Emily," he interrupts me.

"Whatever. You didn't seriously film us," I start again.

"I did. And it was cute. And I'm sure with time you'll appreciate it as well," he says silencing me with a kiss.

"I'd appreciate it even more if I'd know about when being filmed," I state.

"I understand. But that's only half the fun," he replies, catching my hand, after I slapped his chest and giving me another kiss. "And now tell me – pens and notebooks? What's up with that?"

"Nothing," I reply, already turning away from him, but he stops me.

"Emily Gilmore. Don't think I'm stupid. I know you're up to something for days. What is it?" he asks firmly.

"For days?" I reply surprised. „And you didn't ask sooner?"

"Not everyone is as nosy as… well let's say women in general," he says.

"Very nice," I mumble.

"Whatever I thought you'd tell me when you're ready, but by now I'm not so sure anymore you want to fill me in at all," he says and I feel a faint blush on my cheeks.

"Come," I whisper, taking his hand and lead him outside. Ignoring his confused look I start my explanation.

"I'm not sure you noticed, but Lilly doesn't seem very happy. Only stressed. She doesn't make any friends. And when she said she doesn't want any presents, no even sooner, I decided to help her a little," I pause, while Richard's eyebrows are shooting up.

"Help her?" he repeats.

"Why, yes. I'm throwing her a party. Tonight some girls from Chilton will appear here. You don't have to be present, that's why I didn't tell you," I defend myself. He looks at me for a while.

"You didn't tell me, because you were afraid I'd talk you out of it,"

"That's not true," I interrupt him.

"It is, we both know it. Emily, I won't spoil your surprise. I just hope it works out as you hope it does. And you're not sure about this idea yourself, that's why you didn't tell me," he says, turning to go inside.

"Richard, please," I say and he turns towards me again. "You're right," I admit, hating the triumphant look in his eyes. "You think she'll hate it? But she needs some friends. I only want what's best for her," I say.

„I know. And she knows that too. And who knows? Maybe she'll like it. I hope so. Just let me know where you want me to be," he says, kissing my forehead, before going inside again. He's right, I'm not so sure about this anymore. In the beginning I was, or at least I was able to block my doubts. But now I'm not so sure anymore. But getting nervous isn't going to help. I stand up straight and follow him inside.

* * *

„Lilly? Will you put on your green dress please? And give me Becky, then I'll change her," I say to Lilly in the afternoon.

"My green dress? Why?" she asks suspiciously.

„Because you look pretty in it," I reply.

"And?"

"And you wouldn't think that this stupid gift is everything you're getting. There's more. And for this I need you two to look pretty. So please, just do it," I say, taking Becky to change her into a lovely pink dress. "And once you're upstairs, downstairs is off-limits until I call you," I add.

* * *

She really didn't come downstairs anymore. But she didn't say much either. Well, it's too late now anyway. I check with the caterers again, who miraculously have everything straight. I made the decorations myself, so that's without problems as well. Looking around I'm pretty satisfied. I'm still not sure whether to call her now or to wait until everyone is here. Maybe it's better to call her now, so she has at least some time to adjust to it - and Becky as well. I don't know how she'd react if all of a sudden there are 17 girls – one for each year – in our living-room. Yes, I'll call her now.

Going upstairs I check myself one last time. Yes, I'm looking good as well. Richard is in his study. Given her history I decided to go just with girls and he'd be misplaced there anyway. I'm glad though that he's not away in case this evening doesn't turn out as I expect it to be. I knock at her door.

"Come in," she says and I'm greeted by a beautiful picture. They both look adorable.

"You're beautiful. Both of you. Thank you," I say. She nods. „I like your hair," I say approvingly. I didn't even mention that she'd have to take care of that as well. "Well, as I said I have another gift for you and you're allowed to come downstairs now," I say trying to sound excited. I don't think I succeed though. Slowly she's descending the stairs, clinging to Becky, so that she gets fussy. She's looking at the decorations.

"It looks nice. Who's coming?" she asks turning towards me.

"I invited some girls from Chilton, so that you can celebrate your birthday properly and not just with Richard, Becky and me," I say.

"Whom?" she questions again. I go to my desk to pick up the guest list and show it to her. She's skimming it, before putting it on my desk again and turning around.

"What?" I burst out.

„Are you serious? You didn't even ask me. I don't want to celebrate with them. I was perfectly fine with Richard, Becky and you," she says.

"Well, it's a surprise party. Telling you before would've ruined it," I defend myself.

"And why are you telling me now, before everyone is here?" she challenges me. The doorbell is saving me.

"I'm doing this for you. You need some friends. These are nice girls. I know them and their families for ages. And you should give them a chance. Just because you feel they're different doesn't mean they're worse than you. And maybe you'd find out that you're not so different at all. Anyway, they're our guests and they came here for you, so I hope you'll treat them as such," I finish, before going to the door to greet Jane Henderson.


	49. The Party

_Thanks for all your reviews.__ To clear up some confusion – Becky did say the Mama thing to Lilly, since she was looking at her, but maybe she also thinks it's the word for cookie. ;-) _

_And even though you're not there yet, this is dedicated to __**visionxofxme**__ for reviewing so many chapters while discovering the story. Makes me relive everything._

**Chapter 49 – The Party**

„Jane, hello. How nice to see you. Come in," I greet the girl, ushering her into the foyer.

"Hello Mrs. Gilmore. Thank you for the invitation," Jane returns the greeting politely.

„It was my pleasure. Let me take your coat," I offer, glancing around to look for the maid I extra hired for tonight. Seems to be an incompetent one again. "You look darling, Jane," I say, after taking her coat.

"Thank you, Mrs. Gilmore," she replies, looking behind me. Right, Lilly. Why isn't she coming?

"Look who's here?" I say, turning around, not exactly knowing to whom I'm talking to – Jane or Lilly. Lilly is pressing Becky to her chest, causing Becky to squirm. I suppress the urge to take the baby from her.

"Happy Birthday, Lilly," Jane is the first to speak, going towards her and giving her a little present.

"Thank you, Jane," Lilly accepts it, having some difficulties to keep Becky from it.

"Here, I'll put it on your gift-table," I offer, after giving Jane's coat to the maid who finally decided to make an appearance. "Why don't you two go into the living-room?" I try to break the awkward mood.

"So, this is your daughter?" Jane asks, after we all set off for the living-room.

"Yes, this is Becky," Lilly replies curtly. She really could make more of an effort. Until now Jane at least tries.

"Hi Becky," Jane greets her, caressing her cheek.

"Be careful," Lilly says and Jane quickly withdraws her hand.

"I'm sure Jane is able to hold a 6-months old baby," I interfere, glaring at Lilly. "Would you like to?" I smile at Jane.

"No, I'm sure she prefers to stay with Lilly," Jane replies shyly.

"She won't break," I say.

"I know, but really… it's okay," Jane says. Silence. Except some babbling of Becky.

„Yes, well. If you'll excuse me, I'll update the maid again on her duties tonight," I say, leaving them to themselves, hoping Lilly will be kinder when I'm not around.

"I like your dress," I hear Jane saying before going to the kitchen.

* * *

The party is going a little slowly. Everyone is here now and they're mostly in the living-room, eating, drinking and talking. Whenever I look I see that Lilly isn't mingling. There are several groups, but she's not making her rounds. Jane is often around her, sometimes Susan. I'm sure their mothers told them how to behave. But then they all should - including Lilly. If she's not changing her attitude soon, I'll have to remind her of her duties.

Some girls are laughing and Lilly looks suspiciously in their direction. Does she really think they're making fun of her? In my house? They certainly wouldn't dare to.

Becky is fussing, stretching her arms to Jane. She seems to like her. I can't believe my eyes, when Lilly finally gives in to Becky's attempts to be on Jane's arm. At least something. This over-protectiveness was ridiculous. I'm about to turn away again, when Becky's screaming comes to my attention. Apparently Lucy just marched up to Jane and took Becky from her.

"See, I can hold her too – now stop screaming," Lucy announces less than kindly. Feeling my own rage at this behaviour, I can just imagine what Lilly is going through seeing Becky fighting against Lucy's grip. Faster than I can react, she's all over Lucy, taking Becky from her.

"Are you crazy? How dare you?" she shouts to a – am I seeing this correctly? - triumphant looking Lucy. "And you, I should've known better than to give her to you," she snaps at a dumbstruck Jane. I have to step in. She can't walk away like that. Maybe she won't come back again and she'll be more of an outsider than before.

„What's going on?" I say, stepping into the living-room.

„If you excuse me, I'll take –" Lilly says angrily, trying to get away.

"No, I don't. You'll stay," I say firmly, grabbing her arm. I can see that she's close to shaking me off, but my look silences her. Sadly not Becky, who's still whimpering. But I can't focus on her now. There are more important things to solve. "Lucy?" I say sternly.

„Yes, ma'am," she replies, barely able to hide her giggling.

"Would you be so kind as to answer my question?" I say in my sweetest voice.

"She just started crying, that's hardly my fault," Lucy replies stubbornly, the glee gone from her eyes. Oh yes, her mother remembers me well. She dared once to go against me. Once. I thought she'd taught her daughter better than to provoke Emily Gilmore.

„Isn't it? So you wouldn't be upset if I'd just grab you?" I fake-smile at her. "Lucy? Have you lost your voice as well as your manners?" I say, hearing some of the girls gasp. Lucy's eyes are sparkling angrily at me. Becky is getting quieter. I guess because Lilly is calming down as well by now. "If you'd have some manners left, you'd at least apologize to Jane and Lilly for your behaviour – now," I say. I stare at her. She'll break soon, I can see it. But just to make sure I add, „It's a pity should I have to tell your mother she can't accompany me to the tea next week. But sadly only those with impeccable manners can and this display clearly shows that – "

"I'm sorry, Jane. Lilly," she mumbles, looking down. The circle of girls around her backing away bit by bit. Jane nods.

"Well, that was at least something," I say, dismissing her. "Now, who wants some birthday cake? I think we can cut it now," I say, turning towards Lilly. It is a little early, but it was the first thing that came to my mind.

"I think I should bring her upstairs," Lilly replies quietly.

"What about I take care of Becky and you cut your cake?" I ask. I see that she's about to refuse. „So you bring her upstairs and then? She'll cry when you go downstairs again. I promise I'll take good care of her and keep her far away from Lucy," I add conspiratorially, stretching my hands out. Defeated she hands me my goddaughter and goes towards the cake.

I hum a little to Becky and soon she calms down completely. I retreat a little, but I'm still observing the scene. Lucy is in a corner by now, forgotten by most of her friends. Lilly is giving out pieces of cake. When she hands Jane her piece, I can see that Jane tells her she's sorry. I'm holding my breath waiting for Lilly's reaction and exhale slowly when she seems to accept. It really wasn't Jane's fault. After a while I'm going to the kitchen to give Becky a little to eat.

We've just finished when I hear the doorbell again. That's strange I didn't expect anyone to come now. Did one of the girls go outside? Lucy? Melissa – the maid – is looking stupidly at me. So I guess I'll take it. Not wanting to leave Becky with her – who knows what she'd be able to do to her while I'm gone - I take her with me when opening the door.

"Hi Mom," Lorelai greets me. This is certainly a surprise.

"Grandma!" Rory exclaims, running towards me.

"Lorelai, Rory," I say surprised.

"I guess this is a bad time, I should've called. I'm sorry. I just wanted to stop by today, since I wasn't able to get away from the inn yesterday again and well… of course I saw the party once we arrived, but since the next bus isn't going too soon and we're here already and Rory is kinda cold… but you know just tell us where we can wait, that's no problem, I didn't mean to – "

"Lorelai. Come in, please," I interrupt her rambling, stepping aside to let them in.

"Thanks, Mom," Lorelai says, looking around.

„It's Lilly's birthday. Just some girls from Chilton," I explain her questioning look.

„Oh, I didn't know," she starts again.

"Well, you couldn't," I say.

"Lorelai," Lilly exclaims, coming into the foyer as well, looking – relieved?

"La, ma, da," Becky babbles, when seeing her, causing Lilly to smile.

"Wow, she's already starting to speak?" Lorelai asks.

"Just a little. But this morning, she did it. She said Mama. That was my best present," Lilly recalls proudly.

"Oh yes, I remember when Rory said it for the first time," Lorelai says dreamily. "Oh and Happy Birthday. I didn't mean to crash your party. Seriously, just ignore us," she says.

„Are you kidding? You're coming with me," Lilly says, grabbing Lorelai's arm.

„I really don't think I should –"

"Please, Lorelai. It's my birthday, please. Don't leave me alone with them," she pleads. Lorelai shoots me a suspicious glance.

"All right," she gives in. "Rory, stay with your Grandma," she calls over her shoulder, before entering the party. So Lorelai really came to visit us. This came totally unexpected and I never would've thought this would happen.

* * *

The kids are with Richard and I'm outside. Just for a few minutes. To think about what I observed today. What surprises me the most, Lilly and Lorelai seem to connect on a level, Lilly isn't able to with the other girls. Not even Jane, who really makes an effort to be nice to her. And Lucy – well I should've thrown her out, but then there are other solutions to solve such a problem. The noise from inside got louder since Lorelai arrived. She always knew how to party. Whenever I looked at them again she was close to Lilly. She didn't seem jealous tonight. But then it's not over yet. All in all it wasn't a disaster so far. Sure Lilly wasn't happy, but she played along. And Jane and Susan seem nice. Real nice. Sighing I go inside again to hear the taunting voice of Isabella – Lucy's friend – mimicking Becky's tries to speak. Especially the Ma-ma. And Lucy is chiming in as well – seems she recovered from her encounter with me. „Isn't it great she said Mama, what an accomplishment," she's mocking Lilly. But it's not Lilly who's replying.

"Yes, it is. One you have no idea about. And probably never will, since I can't imagine any boy to find you attractive enough to come close to you," I hear my daughter. Even though I know I should reprimand her, I also know Lucy deserved this and secretly I'm proud she's standing up for Lilly. So I decide not to step in yet.

"At least I didn't get knocked up and threw my life away," Lucy replies. How dare she? I'm ready to jump in, but Lorelai is faster and since I want to hear her reply, I'm still holding back.

"For the record: Rory is the best thing that ever happened to me and – "

"- and making other people's beds as well, I'm sure," Lucy interrupts her mercilessly. I could slap her.

"At least I can take care for myself and my daughter and don't rely on Mommy and Daddy, because my only talent is to be mean and spiteful. Why you got invited I'll never know – "

"That's enough," I exclaim, all eyes on me. "Lucy, I thought you've learned your lesson, but apparently you can't but insult my daughter and Lilly. I think it's better you'll leave now. And everyone else thinking like her," I say looking closely at Isabella, "feel free to accompany her," I finish.

"I wouldn't want to stay in this house any longer, celebrating with maids," she spats, leaving at once and taking Isabella with her, who looks a little uncertain. I think I'll ask Jane's mother to accompany me to the tea.

"Good, now that this dumb Dora is gone, who wants to dance?" Lorelai asks. "Don't you have any decent music?" I swallow another reprimand since for once I'm glad for Lorelai's talent to go on with the partying. And I know one thing for sure. Lucy Batterton will wish to never have set foot in this house.

* * *

Once Lucy and Isabella are gone everything is going well. Lilly even talks a little to everybody though I have to admit that Lorelai plays a big part in this. It's hard to admit, but I know that without her surprise visit, this could've ended badly.

Rory is still with Richard and I put Becky to bed. It was a little difficult today, but she's sleeping at last. After that I sometimes go to Richard and Rory, who are reading of course, but mostly I make sure to be near the living-room to be able to step in should something happen again. But it doesn't.

The girls are gone now. When saying their goodbyes I noticed again that Lilly seems to get along best with Susan and Jane. Now I'm in the kitchen sending Melissa to take out the garbage. When I'm about to go back into the living-room I hear Lorelai and Lilly talking. I know I shouldn't eavesdrop, but hearing the first sentence I can't but listen.

"So, I guess this wasn't your idea, huh?" Lorelai asks Lilly.

"No," she snorts. "This was Emily's present – oh surprise present," Lilly replies sarcastically.

"Gee, see this is why I had to leave. I hate all of this," Lorelai says.

"You do? You seemed to be doing fine. Much better than me," Lilly says.

„Yes, well. Years of training. And it was kinda fun to put them in their place, wasn't it?" Lorelai asks, giggling a little.

"Yes. Thanks. Seriously, I was too tired to start with them again. Every time Emily wasn't around I heard some snide remarks – mostly Lucy of course, and the others don't really dare to go against her, so yeah - thanks," Lilly replies sincerely.

"Hey, as I said it was fun. I can't believe such a bitch is so popular. And I can't believe that my mother did this to you. No wait, I can, she just never learns," Lorelai says darkly.

"She means well," Lilly defends me.

"Oh yeah, she always does," Lorelai replies, her voice dripping of sarcasm. "So you're not mad at her?" she asks unbelievingly. This in particular interests me as well.

"I don't know. A little. She did throw her out after all," Lilly replies.

"Yeah, who would've thought… it's so unlike what Emily Post would do. Well, she can be lucky you're you, because I wouldn't speak to her if she'd pulled that with me," Lorelai says.

"She did a lot of good things for me, Lorelai. I don't know where I'd be without her - where Becky would be. Of course I would've preferred she wouldn't have done this behind my back, but as I said, she means well. She wants me to make friends," Lilly says.

"So you don't have any – at all?" Lorelai asks surprised.

"Not really. You know at lunch I'm always here and I just don't have time with all the catching up and Becky and everything… and they don't really interest me. My life is so different from theirs. But Emily doesn't understand that," Lilly says.

"Some friends couldn't hurt, you know. Someone needs to show this bitch she isn't queen. And Jane and Susan seem decent, maybe with time, they're ready to dethrone her, but then, they're too nice I guess. Still just having some girls on your side would make it easier, wouldn't it?" Lorelai asks.

"I know. Maybe I'll try to talk to them some more. Though…" Lilly trails off.

„Though?" Lorelai questions.

„Why don't you come back? I'm sure Emily would love that and you'd put them in their place in school. You're smart, I'm sure you could do it. And there's enough space for both of us here. I never meant to replace you and – "

"I know you didn't. How could you, you didn't even know I existed at first. But I can't come back. That's out of the question. This evening showed me again that this isn't the world I want me and Rory to live in. I like it where I am. I know Rory deserves to have grandparents and I – well, I'll come and visit, but I can't come back here permanently. And please don't get Mom's hopes up that I will. I know that you can't understand it, but she's different to you and –"

"I think I can. Understand it, I mean. I never could go back either. It's just that – apart from tonight perhaps – she's really great. To me. And I'm sure she could be to you, but then maybe not. Maybe too much happened. But hey, at least you know you could come back and that they'd always help you," Lilly finishes sadly.

"And they'll always help you as well," Lorelai tries to cheer her up. They're silent for a moment. Though this is nothing new – hearing that she won't come back – it still hurts to hear her saying it. "Where's Rory? Did my Dad take her hostage or has she worn him out by now?" Lorelai giggles and they set of towards the study.

I slowly step back. I know this wasn't for my ears to hear and I'm not sure I wanted to hear all of this, but all in all I think it's good I did.


	50. Finding Out

_Anyone still out there? I know I have been abandoning this for too long. Lately I got the book "The Gilmore Girls Companion" and right at the beginning they described how it influenced the fans lives. I was brought back in time and got inspired again. I never did forget about this story and rereading everything I thought maybe I should've ended it with chapter 45. But then as I said before I have still more scenes in mind and if you're still interested in reading them I'll try to finish this. _

**Chapter 50 – Finding Out**

Lorelai's birthday is coming up soon. I want to give her something, but I just don't know what. With Lilly my present wasn't exactly what she wanted – and to be honest I knew that beforehand. Still I threw the party for her. And I'm still convinced that my intention of giving her some friends was noble, but I guess I can't force friendship. At least not a real one. Lorelai wouldn't have talked to me had I done that to her, that much she made clear in the conversation I overheard. So I guess I can be lucky Lilly isn't Lorelai.

* * *

_Lorelai and Rory just left. I busy myself cleaning up – or rather overlooking it – since I can't face Lilly just yet. She's upstairs checking on Becky, who woke up again. It was a long day for her. Finally I realize that I can't put it off any longer. The caterers have left, the maid is already gone and I can't wait until tomorrow to know how mad she really is. I think of talking to Richard before going upstairs, but decide against it. Sighing I walk upstairs. I hesitate again, when I hear her softly singing to Becky. I shouldn't__ intrude on that. But when she stops I know I have no reason to wait any longer. I knock softly on her door – not wanting to wake up Becky again – and Lilly is coming out soon. Looking at her face I can't quite read it._

"_I'd like to talk to you," I say to her, my voice slightly hesitant. She nods, motioning for me to go ahead and I lead the way to my room. I still don't know how to start when I realize I don't have to. _

"_Thanks for throwing her out," Lilly says and I turn around to face her. When that's the first she has to say, I'm really lucky. _

"_I'm sorry, I invited her to begin with," I reply. "But why didn't you tell me?" I ask._

"_Tell you what?"_

"_How nasty they're to you. I know most of their mothers, I could've fixed that. I went through all of this with Lorelai already, I could've helped, I – "_

"_It's not your task to fix. And anyway, I don't care. Not really," Lilly says._

"_You don't care that they treat you like trash? That they treat Becky that way?" I ask incredulously. Mentioning Becky I see her face change slightly for a few seconds._

"_I don't need them. Yes, it hurt to listen how they talked about Becky, but I didn't want them here to begin with," she says. So we're getting there. _

"_I'm sorry. I didn't mean to torture you or to expose you and Becky to them. I wanted you to make some friends. And well, Susan and Jane seemed nice," I add._

"_You're right, they are. And maybe it wouldn't hurt to have some friends," she admits. _

"_So you're not mad at me," I finally dare to ask._

"_I know you meant well," she answers and I give her a questioning look. "No, I'm not mad Emily," she concludes, giving my cheek a little peck and I feel a warmth washing all over me. _

"_Thanks," I only manage to say, squeezing her hand quickly before turning around to hide my watery eyes._

Yes, I'm really lucky to have her. Still I have no idea what to get Lorelai. I want her to like it. I want her to speak to me after receiving my gift. It's just that I'm not good at knowing what she really wants. Remembering Christmas I'm thinking of taking Rory to the mall.

* * *

_Rory is running towards the lobby and__ a dusting Lorelai, chattering about the day she spent with me. I'm following her. It's the first time I'm seeing Lorelai since she rescued Lilly's party. "Hello, Lorelai," I greet her, trying not to think too much about her uniform. It gets me every time, I can't help it._

"_Hello, Mom," she returns the greeting. _

"…_and then Grandma tried to colour with me, but she's not that good at it. Even Grandpa couldn't guess what she wanted to draw," Rory giggles. Lorelai looks at me surprised._

"_Because the two of you have no fantasy at all," I reply, seemingly insulted. "Maybe you don't want me to draw with you next time," I add._

"_Oh no Grandma, I didn't mean it like that," Rory says, looking concerned. "Are you mad?" she asks. _

"_No, I'm just kidding," I say. "Really," I add, observing that she's not entirely convinced. Looking at Lorelai she seems to enjoy our little banter. "Lorelai, do you have a minute?" I ask my daughter. _

"_Sure," she answers. "Do you want to show me your picture? Maybe I have better fantasy than Rory and Dad," she says, winking at Rory. _

"_Yes, because I'm carrying this masterpiece around with me," I answer dryly. "Seriously, do you have a minute?"_

"_Yes," she says, motioning for me to sit down. "Or do you want to go outside?"_

"_No. I just want to thank you for last Saturday. I really wouldn't have known how this would've ended without you coming to the rescue. Thank you," I say sincerely. _

"_Rory, Sookie has a surprise for you in the kitchen. Why don't you go and get it?" she sends Rory away. "Mom, I know I should better stay out of this, but how could you do this to her? She hates those girls and they were horrible – _

"_Yes, you should stay out of this," I say defensively._

"_Well, you just came to thank me because I didn't," she points out. I sigh. I don't want to discuss this with her._

"_I admit that some of them were horrible and I took care of that," I start._

"_And good for you," Lorelai chimes in. "That really was some sight. Is Lucy still going to Chilton?" Lorelai winks at me. I smirk, but try to ignore that comment._

"_But you also have to admit that some of them were nice. And Lilly needs friends. It's just school, Becky, Richard and me and she needs some social life. Anyway I'm not here to discuss this with you, I only came to say that I'm grateful for your help." She nods. Rory is coming in again._

"_And did you like Sookie's new pie?" Rory nods, still chewing. _

"_Lorelai, she already had dessert," I say._

"_Really? Dinner at your house includes dessert?" Lorelai mocks me. "I know, Mom, but Sookie especially saved it for Rory." I sigh again. I guess I can be lucky that we're able to talk that way without fighting. Some weeks ago more than one sentence I said today, would've started a fight. _

"_I have to go. Goodbye Lorelai, goodbye Rory," I say, bending down a little to hug Rory. _

"_You know Mom, Grandma is great in reading stories and telling me about the fairies," Rory says. _

"_Thank you, Sweetie," I say. "And I really was just kidding," I whisper to her. _

_They accompany me to my car. Just before I get in, Lorelai comes to me, hugs me shortly and whispers: "You can't __force her to make friends, Mom," before retreating._

* * *

She's right and for the time being I didn't mention this topic to Lilly again. Now I'm once more in my car driving Rory back to the inn. Even though we did visit the mall it resulted only in me restraining myself from buying too much for Rory. Sadly I had no such luck as her pointing out a dress Lorelai craves, but can't afford. I'm just as clueless as this morning. Maybe I should have a look at her room – or is it rooms? – to get an idea. Thinking about it, I've never seen where exactly she lives. I always supposed she was living in the inn, but I was never there. We always talked in the lobby or outside. Not that I wouldn't be curious, but I'm not sure Lorelai would like me to see it.

"Grandma?" Rory asks from the backseat, as we arrive at the Independence Inn.

„Yes, Sweetie?" I reply.

„I want to show you something I made for the fairies, I forgot to bring it to kindergarten this morning. I'll go get it, okay?"

„Okay," I smile and as soon as she unbuckled her seatbelt, she speeds off to – well not to the Inn. Is she going to Laura's nest? But then that's not where she's heading either. I'm confused and slowly following her. Suddenly she vanishes into an old shed. Why is she going there? Surely this isn't where she's playing. Since she doesn't come out again I slowly follow her in – and my heart stops. Judging the outside I would've suspected them to put their gardening utensils here, but what I see is a bed, a table, a cupboard and Rory in the midst of all of this, searching for something under the bed. It can't be – it just can't be. She's not choosing this over us. She can't. Suddenly Rory nearly bumps into me.

"Oh, Grandma, there you are. I found it, see?" she says, holding something up to me, that seems like a blur and I don't really comprehend it. "Grandma? – Oh, you weren't here before, were you?" she chatters. "Well, this is our place," she tells me proudly, waving her arms around. "This is my bed," she says pointing at it. "Oh and look at what Mom did. She made a curtain, so we even have our own bathroom in here – isnt't that neat?" she goes on, revealing a bathtub behind a pink curtain. It can't be. It simply can't. I have to get out of here. "Grandma? Grandma?" she runs after me. Breathe. I need to breathe. Slowly. Deeply. „Grandma! Mom!" Rory shouts and this gets my attention. Lorelai appears on the porch. "Mom, I think something is wrong with Grandma," Rory says and Lorelai comes to us.

"Mom, is everything –"

"Are you seriously choosing this over us?" I burst out. „Over your home?"

„Excuse me?" Lorelai says, looking questioningly at me. For a moment I see fear flicker across her face, but soon it's replaced with the defiant look I've come to know for so long now.

"I saw it. I saw where you ran off to," I say angrily, my eye catching Rory, who's about to burst into tears. I breathe again, closing my eyes, trying to calm myself. It seems that Lorelai must've seen Rory as well, since the outburst I expected from her is lessened a good deal.

"Mom. Remember what we talked about. You want to accept my decisions. Coming here was my decision. I like it here – we like it here," she says and looking at Rory she's nodding timidly.

"Rory, why don't you leave us alone for a minute," I suggest as calm as I can muster.

"But I don't want you to fight," she whispers, tears in her eyes.

"Please, Rory. I promise I'll try not to," I say looking at Lorelai. She has to know we have to talk about this – alone.

"Listen to your grandmother, Rory. Sookie is waiting for your help anyway," she encourages her. Rory is looking uncertainly at us. Not being able to stand the stares of two grown Gilmore women she finally gives in.

"Please, don't fight," she whispers, slowly going inside.

"There is nothing to talk about, mother," my daughter says, the defiant look back in place.

"Lorelai, please. This can't be where you want to raise your daughter. She doesn't have her own room, her own space. What when she goes to school? Do you want her to invite the other girls to this?"

"Not everyone sees it through your eyes, mother. We had some fun parties already here. And space isn't always about room," she adds, giving me a pointed look. "Anyway," she goes on, before I can reply to that, "of course this isn't where I want to live for the rest of my life. And I won't. I'm saving money and someday I'll be able to buy us a nice house here in Stars Hollow," she reveals.

"Then let me help you," I offer.

"No," she says without missing a beat.

"Lorelai, please. I'm not trying to get you back. I know you'll never come back. But you can choose a nice place around here. And if you insist on it, you can pay me back whenever you have the money. Though that wouldn't be necessary," I try again.

"Mom, we'll stay here. End of story," she says.

"And why did you never show it to me before? Admit it, you're ashamed to live there as well," I say my voice rising. The look she's giving me is sending quivers through my body.

"I'm ashamed of you," she says, turning around. This can't be.

"Lorelai, wait," I say, grabbing her arm.

"You really don't know why I didn't want to show you, do you? Well guess why? This is why. I knew you wouldn't get it. This is my home now, mother, a home I am proud of and I didn't want you to demean it," she yells, her eyes glistening. "I know you don't understand it, but that's how it is. And I'm happier here than I was in a mansion," she says, not able to look into my eyes. I'll mask my hurt in looking down as well. That can't be happening. "I'll go get Rory now. You better leave," she says going inside. This time I'm not grabbing her arm.

How can she live in a shed? She could have everything. We would help her. Why can't she accept a little help? She's right, I don't understand her. I just hope that this hasn't destroyed everything we achieved. I guess this is our test. If we get through this, we really did change for the better. Seeing Rory coming outside with Lorelai, I try to put on a smile.

"You did fight, didn't you?" she asks me sadly.

"Just a little, I'm sorry," I reply.

"I'll show you my fairy swing next Friday, all right" she asks me, looking at her mother as well.

"That's fine with me, Sweetie," I say, looking at Lorelai, too. She nods slightly and relief is rushing through me. Thank God.

"Goodbye, Mother," she says, giving me a piercing look.

"Thank you, Lorelai," I reply.

"I remember my promise – I hope you remember yours," she says before going inside. I hug Rory to me, assuring her that this wasn't her fault, before driving home.

_So what do you say? Can I still do it? I'm not so sure of this chapter, but I thought it wouldn't be right to just have it on my computer. Let me know if you're still interested in hearing more._


	51. Lorelai's Gift

_Thanks for the reviews.__ It's great to know there are still people who care about this story and also new ones discovering it. And I managed to get another chapter written so here it is. I hope you enjoy. _

**Chapter 51 – Lorelai's Gift**

„It's a shed, Richard, a shed! Our daughter – and our granddaughter – are living in a shed! How can she possibly think this is the place to raise her? To stay there herself? You should've seen it! One room, just a curtain before the bathtub. And how proudly Rory presented me all of it. Poor girl doesn't even know a decent room. I wonder if she never notices the difference when coming here. Maybe I should get her a room here, but Lorelai would never allow her to be here for a longer amount of time. I'm glad she didn't cancel our Friday appointments, but then she promised not to do that, when we had our talk. Still I was terrified for a moment. Anyway, do you listen to me, they're living in a toolshed! Granted I thought it a little weird, that I've never seen her place before, but then I thought that it would be untidy as always and she didn't want me to see that. Little did I know that tidiness is the least problem here. A shed, Richard," I finish my rant. Richard is sitting behind his desk, looking sadly at me. "Don't you have anything to say to this?" I ask him incredulously, stopping my pacing to stare at him.

"I don't know what to say to this, Emily," he says defeated.

"Well, maybe that you're shocked to hear that as well, that we should do something about it," I ramble on.

"I don't think there is anything we can do about it. And yes of course I'm sad to hear about her living-standard, but you know Lorelai, she would never accept our help," he replies.

"Heaven, no. She admitted to me that she's saving for a house in that town of hers, and of course I offered our help, but she didn't want to hear about it. She's so stubborn," I rant.

"I wonder where that comes from," Richard tries to lighten the mood, but I just glare at him.

"Richard, it's not only about her, but about Rory as well. Isn't she thinking at all about her daughter?" I ask him.

"We always knew that Lorelai is full of false pride. We got Lilly to accept our offer, but I don't think we can ever convince Lorelai. As sad as it is, Emily, I don't think there is anything you can do about it," he says, getting up and putting his strong arms around me. I sigh. But him mentioning Lilly gave me an idea.

"We'll see," I say, hugging him back, before turning around to leave his study.

"Emily!" he calls after me and I turn around again. "Don't do anything stupid. Remember you don't want to lose her," he says. I nod.

I'm wandering through the house, scaring my newest maid and thinking about Lorelai's words.

_Space isn't always about room. _

Oh yes, I know, you were suffocated here. I didn't give you any space. I can't believe she started with that again. But then she backed off quickly, so maybe she noticed it as well. I wonder if she regrets having told me about her plan to save for a house. She usually never tells me anything. Did she say more than she wanted to? I try to remember her face, but I'm not sure.

_I'm ashamed of you._

This is still sending shivers through my body. The way she looked at me when saying it. And what was that about anyway? I should be saying that, considering how she lives. She turned away after that sentence, so maybe she knew she would explode soon.

_I didn't want you to demean it._

As crazy as it may sounds, this is making me happy. Because it means she still cares about what I'm saying. My words are able to hurt her. Well, I'm not happy about hurting her, but she cares about what I'm thinking. I'm still important.

_I'm happier here than I was in a mansion._

Soon she showed me that it goes vice versa. She can also hurt me and I also care about what she has to say. It took all my strength not to blow up at her after that sentence. She was wise to go get Rory then. Thank God she didn't shut me out again. She's keeping her promise. At least that is some progress.

Why couldn't you be happy here, Lorelai? Why?

* * *

After speaking with a man named Taylor Doose I know that several houses in Stars Hollow are up for sale. Two seem to be fitting to be Lorelai's house, given location and number of rooms. I took a look at both of them, praying that I wouldn't run into Lorelai. None of these houses are my type, but then it is supposed to be for Lorelai and I can picture her there. My favourite is one not too far from the inn and centre of town, the only downside being that this crazy cat lady is living next door. Next Friday I got Rory from kindergarten and happened to pass said house with her. I was asking her about the town and how she likes it there and how nice it is, but she was cautious to say too much. She seemed to like that house, but I couldn't get more out of her and after some subtle tries I gave up. I didn't want to put her in the middle. She shouldn't feel guilty.

* * *

"Richard, Lorelai's birthday is coming up," I say, snuggling up to him, putting my head on his chest.

"Hmm," he replies sleepily.

"I thought about her gift," I go on, caressing his chest.

"And?" he asks, seemingly more awake.

"I took a look at houses in Stars Hollow and I think I found the right one for her," I say.

"Emily, didn't we talk about this already?" he says, now being completely awake, looking at me and brushing my hand away.

"Yes, and you mentioning Lilly gave me an idea. It will be her birthday gift. Remember Lilly and Chilton. It was her only present for Christmas, she couldn't decline," I explain.

"You're forgetting the main thing here, Emily. She did decline," he counters.

"At first," I counter.

"Yes, but her change of attitude wasn't because she realized this being her only gift, but because of what I said about false pride. And as I already pointed out to you, I don't think we can convince Lorelai as we could Lilly," he finishes.

"So you want her to live in a shed? You want your granddaughter being raised there?" I ask him incredulously.

"It's not about what I want, Emily. And not about what you want either," he replies and I huff.

"It would be perfect," I mutter. "Well, no. Perfect would be if she'd come back here, but I know that's not going to happen. I have to do something, Richard," I say.

"So picture this. We buy the house, give it to her on her birthday, she's mad, we fight and maybe she'll shut us out again. Do you want it to end like that?" he asks me.

"Of course not," I reply. "But she promised me not to shut me out again," I say.

"And didn't you promise to accept her decisions?" he asks me.

"I promised to try. Maybe I'll fail," I say stubbornly.

"And then she'll fail as well and that's not what you want. Emily, please be reasonable," he says.

"Reasonable? But don't you see that she's the one being unreasonable here?" I say upset.

"Yes, but she's the one you want to be in contact with. The mother of your granddaughter. Emily, please. We can't get through it again. Don't upset her," he says in a voice that indicates he doesn't want to discuss this any further.

* * *

Study or bedroom? Study or bedroom? I just don't know where to talk to him about it. I want to buy the house – I have to. And I have to make him understand. Lorelai should imagine what she'd do, if Rory would live like that and she could get her out of there. She'd do the same. I'd love to buy the house all on my own, but sadly I can't. Maybe I could with my credit card, but we have an agreement on talking about big purchases first and I can't go against him on that. It wouldn't be fair and he'd know about it anyway and that is one fight I can prevent. So study or bedroom? Bedroom could be easier if asked at the right time, but then that would also be unfair and it didn't work out so well last time. And since it's about business I should speak to him about it in his study. Yes. Study it is.

I raise my hand to knock.

"Come in," he calls. So here we go.

"Hello, Richard. Do you have some minutes for me?" I ask.

"Always," he replies, smiling at me. That's a good start. He gets up, wanting to go around his desk to the couch, but I stop him.

"It's about business, so please remain seated," I say, taking the chair opposite his desk. He's giving me a questioning look.

"I want to buy the house in Stars Hollow," I say directly.

"Emily, I think we already talked about it," he interrupts me.

"Richard, please. Listen to me. Please," I say, looking imploringly at him. He sighs, but remains silent, motioning for me to go on.

"I know you fear this will jeopardize everything, and I fear that as well, but I have to do something. You haven't seen it, they can't live like that. That house would be great for them. And she has to see that it's not about what I want, but that this is what she wants as well – only she's getting it a few years earlier than she thought she would. She needs to think of Rory. I'll talk to her or better I'll write her a letter. Two to be precise. The first one being about this being our gift and if she insists on paying us back she can do so whenever she wants to. Since I also imagine her not agreeing with that I'll have a second letter. This one saying that if she doesn't want to accept it as her house, the house will still be ours and she can live there and pay rent. Not much of course – well that I won't put into the letter, but don't you see? She can't have anything against that. The rent could also be rates to pay for the house. And if worst comes to worst and she still declines, well then at least we tried. See I thought about it," I end.

"That you did," he agrees. "And you will stay calm if she declines both?" he asks.

"I hope so," I reply. "What do you say, Richard?" I ask, looking questioningly at him.

"Do you really think this is wise?" he says, not being convinced.

"I only know that I have to try. Please, Richard," I say. We're looking at each other, both knowing what the other is feeling. After some minutes I can't stand his gaze any longer and look at my hands, surprised to see that I wrinkled my skirt.

"All right. If you really feel that is what you need to do, buy it," he says. Surprised I look at him again. I know I should feel excited, but I'm not. I also fear this could backfire.

"Thank you," I say, getting up, trying to smooth out the wrinkles I made and going around his desk to kiss him. He pulls me onto his lap.

"I just want you to be happy," he says, his voice giving away that he's still not sure this is the right decision.

"I know," I say. "I will," I add, trying to sound more confident than I am. "Thank you," I say again, before getting up to leave.

"Emily?" he calls after me. I turn around to face him again. "What were the chances we'd have this talk in our bedroom?" he asks, grinning mischievously. I can't but laugh.

"60-40," I reply.

"So I guess I can be lucky – but somehow I have the feeling I missed out on getting lucky," he continues grinning. "Do you think there are any chances, that could still happen tonight?"

"Yes, I think there is such a chance," I smile, turning around to leave. I'm almost out the door when he calls after me for a second time. Amused I turn around again. "Yes darling?"

"Thank you," he says sincerely and seeing my surprised look he adds, "For choosing the study." I nod before finally leaving his room. So I chose right. I just hope I also did with Lorelai's gift.


	52. Lorelai's Birthday I

_Thanks for the reviews. It's encouraging to read them. I'm away for a week and not sure about my internet access, so maybe the next chapter takes a little longer than the last ones._

**Chapter 52 – Lorelai's Birthday**** I**

„Lorelai, do you think you could join us next Friday for dinner? To celebrate your birthday? Or Thursday when that's more convenient for you, however I thought maybe you do already have plans for Thursday. But I'd like to celebrate your birthday with you this year," I admit, looking at my daughter, who's standing outside the inn, greeting Rory and me.

"Sure, Mom. I'll take Friday though. You know, I do plan to give a little party here on Thursday and I even thought about inviting you guys, but…, " she trails off, looking uncertain.

"It's okay," I say, touched that she at least thought about us, especially after our little fight two weeks ago.

„No, it's just it's not the kind of party you're used to, Mom. I just don't think you'd enjoy it," she explains.

"As I said, that's okay. Celebrate here, as long as I'm seeing you the next day," I reply. I need her to be in a good mood, when coming to me. I thought as well about coming here on her actual birthday, but then I don't know how her reaction to our present will be and I think it's better there aren't too many people around us.

"So that's really okay with you?" Lorelai asks me surprised.

"It was my idea, wasn't it?" I smile, winking at Rory, who's beaming at both of us. It is as if our little fight hasn't happened. But that's Lorelai and me. We always fought and then at some point it was over – without talking about the problem. An uneasy feeling is creeping up inside of me. Are we returning to our old ways? But then, that's rubbish. I can't talk about it, without giving away her present. And I'm not going to do that.

"… sure, you're ok?" Lorelai asks, looking questioningly at me.

"Excuse me?" I reply.

"You seemed to be miles away," Lorelai says, looking concerned by now.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Don't worry. Everything is fine. We'll celebrate your birthday," I reply, hugging Rory goodbye and giving my daughter a quick hug as well. "See you next Friday," I say, before driving away.

* * *

"Emily?" Lilly asks me, as I'm going into the house. It seems as if she'd just waited for me to come in.

"Yes?" I reply.

„Would it be okay, if…" she starts, before looking down, playing nervously with the hem of her blouse.

"Would what be okay?" I prod. „You know you can ask me anything," I add.

"Would it be okay, if Jane comes over tomorrow? We have this school project and she wanted me to be her partner and she suggested coming here so I wouldn't need to leave Becky and she wouldn't have to get used to another surrounding, thus getting uneasy and whiny and then we wouldn't get done anything, anyway, and I know it's short-notice -"

"Lilly," I interrupt her, going towards her and taking her hands in mine. "Of course Jane can come over. This is your home now. Your friends are welcome here anytime. School project or not," I say, looking directly into her eyes. She can't stand my gaze and looks down. "There is no need to ask my permission," I finish, forcing her to look at me again.

"Thanks," she says.

"Anytime," I reply, smiling encouragingly at her. I'm about to go into the living-room when she calls after me.

"So does that mean I can just bring ten people over, without you having any prior knowledge of this?" she asks, grinning at me.

"I think if you really brought ten people over, I'd be so happy you'd have made some friends I wouldn't mind. A heads-up however is very much appreciated," I say, smiling at her. She's coming towards me to kiss my cheek.

"I love you," she says, before quickly turning away and heading upstairs. I'm staying there, dumbfounded. It's the first time she said those words to me.

* * *

Lilly's words are still on my mind. The way she so quickly disappeared – I think she was afraid of my reaction – or more my lack of reaction. I'm not the person to just walk over to say _"I love you"._ She has to know that I do – not as I love Lorelai, but in a different way. And yes it feels more and more like she's my daughter, but also not as in replacing Lorelai, but more as in her becoming Lorelai's little sister. Suddenly I notice that I'm standing in front of her door. Doesn't she know this is her home? We've told her so several times, but she still doesn't act like it. Doesn't she know that asking for her friends to come over isn't a problem at all? Doesn't she know what I feel for her? Given her terrible relationship with her parents I can't just let her go to sleep without at least talking to her again. I knock at her door and hope that I'll find the right words. "Lilly?" I ask, peeking into her room. She's already lying in bed, going over some school notes, Becky sleeping next to her.

"Emily," she says, sounding a little surprised. "Come in," she adds smiling.

"I just wanted to check, if you have everything you need," I start.

"I'm fine, thanks," she replies.

"All right. I don't want to disturb you," I say, nodding at her school notes, cursing myself for not finding any better words to express my feelings.

"Oh, you're not disturbing me," she says. "I'm just thinking about our project, what we'll have to do tomorrow."

"So what's your project about?" I ask.

"History. Compensation for the Native Americans. You know about how they were treated in the past, how are they treated now, do they deserve more compensation for the land and everything else that happened," she explains.

"Interesting," I say, only half-listening. "Becky looks so peacefully," I say, still lost in my own thoughts, when I catch how she looks at me. As if she knows exactly that I wasn't really listening and maybe even why I came here in the first place. "I'm sorry," I say. "Native Americans?"

"Emily, it's okay. You don't have to say anything," she says. Oh yes, she knows. I'm sitting down on her bed, taking her hand in mine.

"You know, it's not easy for me to talk about these things –"

"I know. As I said, you don't need to say anything. You're doing so much for me – "

"But you know it, right? You do know that this is your home, you do know how I feel about you, do you? That you're more than a maid, or a houseguest or the mother of my goddaughter to me…"

"I know. Thanks for coming here and checking on me," she says. I bend forwards to kiss her cheek. That's also a first.

"Good night, dear," I say and before leaving her room I see tears glistening in her eyes.

* * *

"Happy Birthday, dear Lorelai, happy birthday to you," we all sing, sitting around our dining room table. Lorelai actually seems excited as does Rory. I even didn't notice any hints of jealousy towards Lilly, who's also sitting with us.

"And now the candles, Mom," Rory says. "Don't forget to make a wish."

"I would never forget to make a wish," she replies, pretending to be shocked, but Rory just giggles. So does Lorelai when blowing them out, which nearly made her miss some, but with her last strength she gets them all. We applaud.

"What did you wish for?" Rory asks and while I'd like to know that as well I also know the answer which is surely to come.

"You're not allowed to say that, otherwise it won't happen, Rory. You do know that," she smiles at her daughter.

"Yes, I do," Rory sighs and we all begin to laugh. Rory is looking confused at us.

"Thank you, Mom. That was a great birthday dinner. All my favourites," she smiles at me.

"You're welcome," I reply, returning her smile. So far everything went so well, I'm really a little afraid to give her our present. She doesn't seem to expect anything and I'm tempted to just forget about it, but looking at my darling granddaughter I can't let that happen. She needs a better place to grow up in. More than just a one-room shed. "Why don't we go all to the living-room?" I ask, looking at Richard to lead the way. He gets up, helps me with my chair and we head for the living-room.

"Are you sure, Emily?" he whispers to me. And while I'm not certain about this at all, I still manage to fake an encouraging smile at him.

"She's in a good mood. I won't get a better chance," I whisper back. Looking behind me I see something that surprises me. Lilly is handing Lorelai an envelope. Lorelai seems to be surprised, too.

"For me? You didn't need to give me anything," I hear her saying.

"I know. And please, read it later," she answers. While Lorelai (and I guess me too) is still eyeing the letter curiously she is putting it into her purse.

"Thanks," she says, before joining us.

"You know Lorelai, we have something for you as well," I say, plucking up all my courage.

"Oh, Mom, you know that's not necessary," she replies. Am I imagining this or is she looking pleased despite her words? Of course she didn't expect us not to have anything for her. She is our only daughter. And it's the first time in a long time we're celebrating her birthday together.

"Well, this is a special occasion, one I'm happy to celebrate with you. It's just one thing," I say, handing her my letter. Not even Richard read it. It took me lots of tries and I'm still not completely satisfied with the result, but it's the best I could manage. "I love you, Lorelai," I say, looking into her eyes. She's looking at me, stunned to hear me saying these words in front of others. She's getting teary-eyed and I have to admit I'm the same.

"Thanks, Mom," she says, before opening the envelope. I'm holding my breath, going over the words in my mind. The words she's reading now. The words I know by heart.

_Dear Lorelai,_

_Happy birthday! For weeks I was thinking about the perfect gift for you and I came up empty. We don't have the same taste in clothes and this time I didn't have a little helper pointing something out to me. But I do want to give you something, something you really like and want to have. I'm so happy we're at the point where we are right now and I pray that won't change – at least not for the worse. Please try to view our gift from my point of view. You mentioned that you were saving for a house in Stars Hollow. I think I found the perfect one for you. And with that I really mean for you – certainly not for me. It is where you want to have it and it really seems to be to your taste. __Your father and I bought it in your name. It's yours. __Please continue reading. I know you think it's too much and I also know that you want to buy it on your own. And you can. You can pay us back every cent if you really want to do that. But please be reasonable. Rory and you deserve more than just one room. If you wait until you can afford it, Rory will have probably almost finished school. You need it now – not in some years. Please think about it. The contract and pictures of the house are also in this envelope. Please do consider it. _

_Love, _

_Mom and Dad_

She's taking a long time to read it. She has to be finished by now. Richard and I are exchanging nervous looks. At last I can't keep sitting any longer and get up, pretending to get myself a drink. My eyes aren't leaving Lorelai though.

"What is it , Mom? What did Grandma get you?" Rory asks and for once I wish she would stay quiet. Finally after what seems like an eternity she puts the letter down. She's looking at me and my heart sinks. She's not even looking at the pictures.

"No," she quietly says.

"Lorelai, please," I beg, leaving the ice alone and going towards her.

"I can't accept that," she says, still very quietly, but it's also a dangerous quietness.

"Lorelai, your mother and I just want you – "

"I know, Dad. That doesn't change my answer. And Mom knew that," she says, giving me a piercing look. I swallow.

"Lorelai, please," I start again.

„Mom do you want to R-U-I-N this day? Then go on," she challenges me, giving a side glance to Rory, who is looking nervously at us.

"Of course I don't want that," I say, looking down.

"Then let's just forget about it," Lorelai offers. And we could. No, that's wrong. Maybe she could. I can't.

„Please, why don't you -" I begin.

"Mom, you know what? Why don't the two of us take this to the kitchen," she says, and I'm glad. Rory shouldn't witness this.

"We'll be right back," I say smiling at my granddaughter and giving her head a kiss.

"You ok?" Richard mouths to me and I nod, pointing at Rory, motioning for him and Lilly to occupy her. Then I'm following my daughter.


	53. Lorelai's Birthday II

_Internet access was a bit of a problem, but I had some time to write and now – as soon as I'm home – I'm able to update. I hope you enjoy it. In case the next update takes some days Happy Easter! Thanks for the reviews._

**Chapter 53 – Lorelai's Birthday II**

After shutting the door she erupts. But I expected that, so I try to stay calm. "I can't believe you did that, Mom. No hold, on. I can. I can't believe that I thought you'd ever change, you'd ever learn. You promised to accept my decisions," she starts, pacing through the kitchen though always looking at me and I rather don't point out that I only promised to try, since that would send her through the roof. "Why can't you accept my decisions? Why?" she asks coming to a halt, raising her voice to me. Again I'm seeing tears in her eyes, but this time they aren't the good kind.

„Because it hurts me to see my daughter and granddaughter living like that," I quietly admit. This seems to be an unexpected reply to her, since she's quiet for a moment. "Please just try to think of what you would do if you were me and Rory were you. Wouldn't you want to help her? Wouldn't you want her to live in a place that has a bathroom and a kitchen and a bedroom and so on? Wouldn't you want the best for her? Can't you understand at all where I'm coming from?" I ask her calmly. She's not able to look at me and I take that as a good sign. "Lorelai, please don't think that I haven't thought this through. I have. Your father and I talked about it and we weren't sure what to do for some time. Mainly because we fear to lose you again," I say, my voice trembling. "That's the last thing I want to happen, please believe that. I'm not trying to make you mad, I'm not trying to hurt you," I continue, having to swallow. "I know you think I broke my promise and I beg of you, don't break yours. Please," I plead and when she's finally looking at me I turn around, trying to hide my tears.

"Mom ...– " she says. Silence. I take a deep breath, taking out my other envelope.

"I figured you'd decline," I say, getting a surprised look again. "So I have another letter for you. Please be open-minded," I say handing it to her. "And remember, I really do love you," I whisper.

_Dear Lorelai,_

_for you to read this letter means you declined our gift. I'm sorry to hear that, but since I know about your pride and the importance to be independent and to do things on your own I have thought about an alteration. We will change the ownership of said house in Stars Hollow. Your name will be erased and your father and I will own the house. However since we don't want to live there ourselves (Or could you picture us there? Did you even look at the pictures?) we need someone who rents it. You'd really help us out if you and Rory were to live there, paying rent. Otherwise we'd have bought the house in vain. We could also view the rent you'd pay as partial payment for the house so that in some years you would've earned it. Please do consider this._

_Love, Mom_

_P.S.: In case you're still mad at us, I should be fair and tell you that I had to convince your father of this. He didn't want to do this, imagining your reaction. So please don't be mad at him. It was all me, but I'm sure you've figured this out already._

She sighs. „Mom, how is this any better? You've still bought the house for me," she points out. I hadn't expected that. She really doesn't think this is better?

"But you'd pay rent," I say helplessly.

"I don't think I can afford that," she replies, looking down. Another surprise. I have no idea where we'll end up.

"Just give us what you're paying now," I try. She laughs. But it's a bitter laugh.

"Mom, please. First of all you can't compare a house to where we're living now and second I'm not paying any rent right now," she says, getting quieter towards the end.

"Oh, so other people are allowed to help you, just your own parents are forbidden to do so, is that so?" I ask her bitterly.

"I'm working for Mia, I get less money because of our arrangement," she explains.

"Well, good. Then you'll earn more when moving out and you can just give us that money. Plus you told me you're saving to buy a house so you can give us the amount you're saving every month as well. I'm sure that combined will make a fine rent," I say and I can see that she's thinking about this.

"Still this is not how this works, Mom. You can't just go and buy me a house," she argues. Now we're back to us buying it for her? Was that just a slip of her tongue? I'm confused.

"Why not? You'll inherit everything we own anyway. So why shouldn't you get some of it now, where it can actually be very useful to you and Rory?" I point out.

"Mom, don't go there," she replies.

"Lorelai, please don't take this the wrong way, but I'm going to be completely honest with you now. Things can't always be the way you want them to be. I know what I'm talking about. I gave up on a few of my dreams. You can't say that I bought this house – which you haven't even looked at until now - because I want things to be my way. They're not. My way would mean you'd come home. I gave up on that dream for good. I know it's not going to happen. It hurts, but I accepted that," I say, giving her a pointed look. "It also hurts to see you in your maids outfit, knowing how smart you are and what you'd be capable of, if you just let us help you. But I also accepted that –"

"No, you're wrong, mother. You didn't accept these things. You didn't have a choice. You can't force me to change the way I'm living," she says upset.

"All right, if you see it that way," I give in, raising my hands in defeat.

"What other way is there to look at it? I however can decline your present. You can't force me to take it," she says.

"No, I can't," I say sadly. "I just want you to think about this: Does everything always have to go your way? You want a house for you and Rory in Stars Hollow. You get one. Just a little sooner than you thought you would. And most importantly you're not alone in this. You're also deciding for Rory. You're denying her her own room," I finish, turning around to leave the kitchen. There's nothing I can do to make her accept this. She's right about that. And in a way I'm glad we didn't end up in a shouting match. After a few steps I stop. "I'm sorry I ruined your birthday," I say quietly. "It's just that I knew today would be my best - " I stop. Looking back I see that she's finally looking at the pictures I made. Instantly I have hope things will turn around. I don't dare to say anything. At last she looks at me. Am I seeing resignation? "And?" I break the silence. I just had to ask.

"It's really not your kind of house," she mumbles and I try as hard as I can not to look triumphantly. She sighs again. "I'll think about it, okay?"

„Okay," I say smiling at her.

"That's not a yes," she states.

"I know," I reply. We share a look. Even though I know it's not a yes, it's a big maybe. And after her inital reaction the best I could hope for. „Thank you, Lorelai."

„I should be the one thanking you," she says, slightly reluctant. So this is the problem?

"Lorelai, there's no need to thank us - "

"Oh yes, there is," she states quietly.

"Fine. If you feel that way, but I don't expect for you to be thanking us constantly. Don't you understand? I'd feel better myself, knowing you'd have a nice house to go home to," I say. She stays quiet. "You're right. You should think about this. Why don't we go back to the living-room? I don't want Rory to worry too much," I say. She gives me a small smile.

"Thanks, Mom," she says quietly. I look at her surprised. Somehow I don't think she's talking about the house right now. I raise my brow questioningly. "For caring so much about Rory," she adds. I nod.

Returning I see Richards questioning look and I give him a small smile. Rory is sitting on his lap.

"So what did you get, Mom?" Rory asks. I'm looking at Lorelai, but she's already replying.

"Something Mommy has to think about. So what did you guys do in here?" she quickly changes the subject.

"Oh, Grandpa was telling me a funny story," she laughs.

"He was?" Lorelai inquires and Rory repeats a story that seems to be a mix of _Sleeping Beauty _and _Snowwhite_ since Aurora is living with seven dwarfs.

The girls are staying for a while and while it is nice Lorelai is quieter than usual. Pensive. I'm not bringing the house up again. Not even when they're leaving. In the foyer I hand Lorelai her coat. Rory is talking to Richard and Lilly about the story Richard made up. When saying goodbye Lorelai gives me a quick hug whispering "And thanks for caring about me as well."

* * *

"And? What did she say?" Richard asks me as soon as he excused us and dragged me into his study.

"Well, she's considering it," I answer, slightly smiling.

"I know that. But how did she get there? Leaving us, she seemed upset," he says.

"I told her some things. I think what really got her thinking was, that she's also denying Rory something. Oh and the pictures. She didn't even look at them at first. In fact I was close to giving up, when she picked them up. I think she really likes the house. It's just her pride that's in her way and the fact that she always pictured herself earning her own house. I'm just glad we didn't get into a shouting match. It was a big step for her to say she's considering it. I really think she will accept – probably to rent it. Oh and something was weird, she told me she couldn't afford the rent," I recount what happened in the kitchen – not in order though.

"Hmm. I guess being a maid doesn't leave you a lot. But others have to live from a maids salary as well...," Richards says, lost in thought.

"It appears she's getting less money, because of her and Rory being able to live there. Apparently not being related to her gives you permission to help our daughter. So I told her in moving out, she'd earn more and she did tell me that she was saving for a house so there has to be something she saves every month. Anyway I don't care about the rent at all. She does and I told her to give us the amount she's saving plus the difference she'll get once she moves out. That should do the trick," I explain.

"Yes. You're right," he replies, still thinking. "Emily?" he asks me.

"Yes?"

"I'm also glad the two of you didn't get into a shouting match. I really wasn't sure about it," he says, embracing me.

"Me neither," I admit, looking up at him. "Thanks for taking Rory's mind off things. Was it difficult?"

"Only in the beginning. Once I was into the story it was a piece of cake," he says grinning like a little boy.

"I love you, Richard Gilmore," I say.

"Well, I'm a very lovable man," he replies self-confidently.

"Richard!" I say, slapping his chest.

"So this is your treatment of the man you love?" he asks in mock exasperation. "I better don't want to be hated by you."

"No, you better not," I huff, turning away from him, playing hurt. He's grabbing my wrist, pulling me towards him to kiss me. I really love this man.

"I love you," he finally says what I want to hear. Then he bends down to kiss me again.


	54. Chilton

_I'm sorry this took a little longer again, but I'm afraid that's how it is now, since the holidays are over. I still hope you enjoy this. Thanks for the reviews. _

**Chapter 54 - Chilton**

"So, you also had a letter for Lorelai?" I ask Lilly.

"You've seen that?" she replies.

"Shouldn't I?" I ask a little surprised. Did she really mean to keep that from me?

"No," she answers, looking a little guilty. "I just didn't want to make a big deal out of it."

"Out of what?" I ask.

"The letter," she states the obvious.

"Lilly, you know me. I'm curious. I'd love to know what you've written to her, but I don't mean to pry. I just want the two of you to get along," I say, turning away from her.

"Emily," she calls after me.

"I'm serious. You don't have to tell me," I say, though I have to admit a little passive-aggressively.

"That's basically what I wrote," she says.

"What?" I ask confused.

"That I hope we'll get along. That I'm glad she was at my party and that I hope she also didn't mind me being present at hers. That I admire how she manages everything with Rory and her work. That I don't mean to take her place and that I hope that she can see in me something like..." she stops herself. I raise my brows in question. "Nothing," she mumbles.

"Her little sister?" I guess. I've said it without thinking too much about it. Realizing too late that this also indicates she'd be my daughter. Lilly blushes and looks at her feet.

"I think I hear Becky crying. Excuse me," she mumbles, fleeing upstairs. I go after her and reach her at the top landing.

"You know, I do," I say sincerely. We share a look before she throws herself into my arms and bursts into tears. I have no idea where that is coming from. I try to comfort her as best as I can, but it takes a while before she calms down. I also try to get to know the reason for her outburst, but I don't succeed. She thanks me and goes to Becky – who is crying for real this time. I'm looking after her, wishing I'd know what's going on in her mind and cursing her stupid parents, who don't even know what a treasure they've lost.

* * *

I observe her next the morning during breakfast, but everything seems to be normal again.

"Emily?" she addresses me, after putting down her cup of coffee. She's close to becoming an addict as well. Richard is already teasing his coffee-ladies, but right now he is in his study, returning an important Oversea-call.

"Yes, dear?" I reply and for a moment a warm, but also wistful look is on her face.

"I don't mean to pry or anything," she says imitating me "but I'd really like to know what was written in your letter," she says grinning mischievously. I stare at her and the mocking lock which has taken over the wistful look also vanishes from her face. "Sorry," she say quietly. "It was meant as a joke," she mumbles and I can't but notice that this is exactly something Lorelai could've done.

"So you don't want to know?" I ask.

"Of course I want to know, but you really don't have to tell me. Honestly," she replies. I'm thinking about what to tell her. She'll probably find out about it anyway, so why not telling her?

"We bought a house for Lorelai and Rory in Stars Hollow. It's her birthday present," I say directly. Lilly gasps quietly.

"And she has to think about that," she states, having heard Lorelai's answer to Rory.

"Yes. Also about the possibility to rent said house," I add.

"She doesn't want to rent it?" Lilly asks incredulously. I hesitate to talk to her about Lorelai's financial situation. Somehow I feel I'd betray my daughter in giving that away.

"Well, it's still our house, the house we bought without asking her. So yes, she has to think about it," I explain.

"But you think she'll accept?" Lilly more states than asks.

"Why do you think that?" I ask, surprised that she seems to be able to read my thoughts.

"Because you're not upset about this," she replies. I nod.

"Why yes, I think there is a chance," I admit.

* * *

"So how was your math test?" I greet Lilly, who's coming in from school.

"Okay," she says, quickly vanishing upstairs. Something is seriously off. Whenever I touch the subject of school – especially some tests – she's so evasive. It can't be that she's not learning. She is. When coming home she's sitting over her books. Also on Saturdays and sometimes even on Sundays, though I try to tell her to have some free time as well. The only times she allows herself are some play times with Becky – and I'm glad for that. Even that Saturday Jane was over they barely did something else than study. I wonder if all of this is too much for her.

_Okay. _I've come to loathe that word. It seems to be her answer for everything concerning Chilton and the more she uses it, the more I know everything is not okay. She barely tells me her grades on tests – apart from some B's – and given the amount of her studying I don't bring myself to ask specifically after them. She's getting thinner and paler as well. Thinner seems to be natural given her pregnancy, but paler? I'm not searching through her things, but when I meet Bitty at the club and the two of us are alone I can't but question her.

"So how's everything at Chilton? Henlin satisfied with his school?" I ask my friend.

"Oh yes. He's very busy, but he enjoys it," she replies.

"You know Bitty, I'm a little worried about Lilly," I continue.

"Your...?" she trails off and I realize she doesn't know how to call her.

"Yes, the girl I took in," I reply, also realizing that I have difficulties with that as well. She nods, but isn't saying anything. "I know you shouldn't talk about these things, but do you know anything about her? How she gets along with the others, how her tests are?" I ask.

"I'm sorry, Emily, but I don't know about these things," she replies what I almost expected. "All I know is that she had some difficulties at first with the other girls, but we haven't talked about her in a while." I nod.

"Couldn't you ask Henlin about her?" I dare to ask. She's looking at me. "I know this is not the usual way, but we know each other for such a long time -"

"Why don't you talk to Henlin about it? If you're worried about her grades as well it's probably better to talk to him at school. He doesn't know them by heart and there he can look up what you want to know. I'm sure he'll have time for you and maybe you can even talk to some of her teachers," she answers. I nod. I know she's right, but somehow I wanted to avoid going there. Bitty senses, that I'm not completely satisfied with our talk. "You know I can tell him to tell his secretary to give you priority. That way you can talk to him tomorrow – or at least this week," she offers. I give her a smile.

"Thank you, Bitty," I say.

* * *

Bitty definitely did talk to him, since I can come in tomorrow. I make sure to go there during her lessons so that I don't run into Lilly.

"Headmaster Charleston? Mrs. Gilmore is here," his secretary announces me. I nod to her and step into his office. He's coming around his desk to greet me.

"Emily! It's nice to see you," he says.

"Thank you for having time for me so quickly, Henlin," I say.

"Certainly. Bitty said you were looking rather worried," he replies, motioning for me to sit down. "Sit, sit," he says, going towards his chair as well. I sit down. "I already took out her file," he says, opening it. "What are you worried about?" he asks looking at me.

"Right now, mostly about her grades. She's barely doing anything else than studying, yet I think she's not satisfied with the results," I say.

"Are you?" he asks. I'm looking at him confused. "Satisfied with her results?" he clarifies.

"Well, she's a little evasive about this. And I don't mean to pry," I admit.

"So you come here?"

"I'm worried about her," I defend myself. "So can you help me with that or not?" I add a little defiantly.

"Of course, I can," he replies. "Let's see," he continues, looking into her file. "Hmm." He's studying the file as if he sees it for the first time and I wonder if he's doing that on purpose.

"Henlin!" I exclaim. The look he's giving me proofs me that I wasn't entirely wrong about this.

"Well, she does seem to have some problems," he starts and I stay quiet, knowing that this way he'll tell me sooner about everything. "She got C's in Math, B's in English and Literature, a D in Biology, oh also a C in History, though there was a project where she got an A on and an A in German – but I guess she's getting the A's back today," he concludes.

So that's not too bad isn't it? Granted the A in German is probably because of her mother coming from Austria – maybe they also talked German at home. But that History project with Jane seems to have turned out well. B's in English and Literature are okay – now I'm using that stupid word as well – no B's are good. The C's and the D however... "So what do you think?" I ask him.

"That's hard to say. It's average. We have to think about the fact that she started late and given her circumstances also had a break from school. We also don't know if the school she went to had the same curricular we have. That could explain the D and the C's. Or biology just isn't her thing as is math. Languages seem to be her thing. An A in German is exceptional - "

"Her mother comes from Austria," I interrupt him and am not sure if I really should've said this.

"Well, that explains it as well."

"Hmm," I say absent-mindedly.

"I think you should talk to her. Or we should talk to her. Ask her what she needs. The only thing I can do for you right now is to get you her math teacher, since Miss Hanson who's teaching Biology called in sick today. Do you want me to get Mr. Gilbert, her math teacher?" he asks me.

"Yes, that would be nice," I reply. "And Henlin, after that talk I'll talk to her. Maybe I should've done that first anyway. But as I said her grades are only my main concern right now, I'm still concerned about her socializing as well," I say.

"So am I. It's gotten a little better. Jane Henderson and her are getting along quite well. Also Susan Marshall. The rest however... And for her to always eat at home -"

"That's because of Becky," I chime in.

"I know. And I know that I agreed to this arrangement. Still it's not helping her socializing," he states.

"I see," I say. "Well I don't mean to keep you from your work. Thanks for taking your time," I say.

"Always, Emily. I think all in all you don't need to be too concerned. You were spoiled with Lorelai," he says.

"Yes," I say looking down. While I don't want to compare them I know that I thought more than once how easy everything was for her – at least concerning her grades. She never studied as much as Lilly did and got better grades.

"Do you want to talk to Mr. Gilbert now?" he asks me.

"If that's possible, yes," I reply. He talks to his secretary and it turns out that I'm lucky, since he has a free period. After making sure that no break is coming up I say Goodbye to Henlin and go to Mr. Gilbert.

"Mrs. Gilmore, it's nice to meet you," Mr. Gilbert greets me.

"Nice to meet you too, Mr. Gilbert," I reply, shaking his hand.

"What can I do for you?" he asks me.

"I'm here because of Lilly Kingston. You teach her in Math," I say.

"Are you her legal guardian?" he asks me and I'm stunned since I didn't expect this question. On the other hand I maybe should've considered it.

"No, Mr. Gilbert. But she lives with my husband and me now. She has no contact to her parents. We're paying for her education and I just had a conversation with Headmaster Charleston about her. However if you still feel that I'm not worthy of your words I'm sure we can solve that in Henlin's office," I say in best Emily Gilmore style, fixing him with my stare.

"I'm sorry Mrs. Gilmore. I didn't know - "

"Well, now you do. So please tell me what do you think of Lilly?"

"Well, she got C's in the tests we've written - "

"I know that," I interrupt him.

"My mistake," he replies also staring at me now. He's no coward. Since he's not continuing I start again.

"So do you think she got those C's because she really can't do any better in Math or do you think it has something to do with her missing some important facts?" I ask him more pleasantly.

"I'm not entirely sure. We do have to consider that she started late and she said that the curricular at her old school was a little different from ours, so she missed out on something. Of course that is setting her back. I don't think she's unintelligent. I also see some progress. However if she'll get a B in summer – I really can't promise anything like that," he says.

"Well of course not. That's not why I'm here. I'm here because I want to know if there is some way to help her. Do you think some extra lessons would help – though I have no idea when she should attend those given her lack of free time or do you think it's just too much for her and she'll never get any better, maybe even worse..." I trail off.

"Well, I don't think she'll get worse. I'm no fortune teller so of course everything can happen, but from what I'm seeing I'd say she's average, maybe better and will catch up with time." I nod. "When there is no extra time for extra lessons – which could help – she could also take a summer course. Of course that wouldn't help her grade for this summer, but all in all it would help," he finishes.

"Yes. Thank you. I'll talk to her about it," I say.

"Yes. And if you have more questions feel free to ask me," he adds. I'm getting up.

"Do you teach her today?" I ask.

"Yes, it's my next lesson," he answers.

"Please don't tell her I was here," I ask.

"Of course, Mrs. Gilmore," he says.

"Thank you," I say before leaving Chilton.


	55. Average

_I'm afraid I'll be swamped with work soon, so no promises about a quick update – sorry. But hey you're used to it, right? Thanks for still reading this story. I'm not completely satisfied with this chapter, but I don't know what to change, so maybe it is just me. I hope you enjoy it – it's an extra long one.._

**Chapter 55 - Average**

"So how was your day?" I greet Lilly when she's coming home from school.

"Good," she beams. "Jane and I got an A on our history project – you know the one about the Native Americans – and I got an A in German," she finishes smiling proudly.

"That's great Lilly," I smile at her, giving her a quick hug. It's really good to see that her hard work is finally paying off.

"It is," she says as much to herself as to me. "Where's Becky?" she demands.

"Upstairs," I reply and I don't bring myself to spoil her good mood just yet. But looking after her I know I need to talk to her – today.

I try to busy myself but I am more than glad when I see her coming downstairs a while later. "Lilly?" I call out to her.

"Yes?" she answers, still beaming.

"Please, sit down for a minute, I need to talk to you," I start. She frowns at me, but sits down. I look at her, still not sure how to begin. I don't want to upset her.

"Did I do anything wrong?" she asks me.

"No. It's just... I talked to Headmaster Charleston today," I say, waiting a little for her reaction.

"Why? Did he call you?" she asks me and I shake my head in response. "Am I in trouble?" she asks concerned.

"No. I was worried about you. I went to him," I admit and her face changes from worry to anger. I knew it. "You were always so evasive when I was asking about how you're doing -"

"So you just go to him behind my back?" she asks incredulously.

"Well, as I said I was worried and you didn't say anything -"

"You didn't ask me -

"Oh please, I did. Every day and you always answered _"Okay"._ What's that supposed to mean?" I say raising my voice. "You study all the time, you have no social life and you don't talk about how you really feel there, so when I met Bitty I just had to ask -

"Who's Bitty?" she interrupts me.

"His wife," I reply, taking a deep breath.

"Oh, so now my problems are all over Hartford. Thanks a lot Emily," she huffs.

"I don't like that tone of yours, young lady," I say threateningly.

"And I don't like you going to people, talking about me behind my back - "

"That's not what I did -"

"No? Then how would you call it?" she asks me.

"Showing concern about your education. After all we're paying for it," I say, regretting it immediately. Her face falls. "I'm sorry, Lilly. That's not what I meant," I add softer.

"Why not? It's the truth. You are paying for it. You have a right to know for what you're spending your money. So now you know. It's not well spend. I'm average – at most. You really should consider - "

"Don't finish that sentence. Don't you see how great it is that you're average? You started late, come from a different school, you have a baby. Nobody is expecting you to be top of your class. Certainly not Richard and me. I'm just not sure what you expect of yourself. How you are doing. Often you seem so down to me. I went to Headmaster Charleston to ask about you and about ways to help you. Maybe I should've talked to you first, but I was seriously concerned," I explain and she seems to comprehend that. "I also talked to your math teacher," I add and at this she rolls her eyes, mumbling something I can't make out, "and he thinks that you're making progress. So don't think so badly of you," I finish. She's sitting in front of me, looking at her lap. "Lilly," I coax her. "Please look at me," I say and slowly she's raising her head. "Considering the circumstances you're doing great. I'm sorry you feel betrayed and I'm sorry I didn't talk to you first, but I had the feeling you didn't want to talk about it and after meeting Bitty I ended up going there. I only want what's best for you, do you believe that?" I ask her. She nods and I smile in relief.

"So, what did he suggest?" she asks me.

"Who?" I reply.

"The headmaster and Mr. Gilbert," she answers.

"Well, I mentioned that you barely have any free time as it is and so Mr. Gilbert suggested a summer course. But as I said he also thinks you're already making progress so we have to see about that. And being average isn't a crime you know. Chilton is a hard school. It's difficult –"

"Lorelai was the top of her class, wasn't she?" Lilly interrupts me again.

"We're not talking about Lorelai," I reply.

"I am. So was she?" she challenges me and I give in.

"Yes, - but Lorelai didn't have a baby, she didn't have anything to think of except her schooling," I add.

"You really shouldn't spend all that money on –"

"Lilly, stop that. I don't want to hear such nonsense," I reply angrily.

"Please excuse me, will you?" she asks me quietly, her eyes begging me to agree. And maybe a break would do us good.

"Of course," I say. She gets up and goes upstairs again. I can't but compare her slow, heavy steps to the springing ones she had when coming downstairs. Observing this I curse my timing. But I had to talk to her this evening, otherwise she could've found out at Chilton and that would've been way worse.

* * *

7.05 pm. Lilly didn't come downstairs again. Deciding against sending Marietta up I go there myself. I knock at her door and enter her room. "Lilly?" I ask her cautiously. She's sitting at her desk, Becky in one arm, her pen in the other hand and doing homework.

"Yes?" she asks, turning around to face me.

"Dinner is ready," I say and her eyes are checking the clock immediately. She blushes.

"I'm sorry, I didn't notice the time," she says ruefully. "It wasn't on purpose," she adds.

"I never thought it was," I reply smiling at her. "So are you coming? When you need some minutes to finish something that's fine with me," I say.

"No, I'm coming," she says, slowly getting up and carefully placing Becky in her crib. She really mastered the art to lay her down without Becky waking up.

"You're a good mother, you know?" I say to her and she smiles gratefully at me.

"Thank you," she replies.

During dinner we're making small talk. I also ask about her history project trying to get her into the good mood she had when coming home. And I succeed a little. She's not beaming, but smiling. After Marietta cleared the main course Lilly turns towards me. "I'm sorry I went upstairs," she starts.

"There's no need to be sorry," I assure her.

"There was more, wasn't it?" she asks me and I hesitate. "'You can tell me," she encourages me and I can't but smile.

"Well, the headmaster was also concerned about your socializing. He thinks always having lunch here isn't helping you finding friends," I say.

"I'm not giving up lunch-time with my daughter," she states fiercely.

"I understand. Still I also think that he has a point. Maybe you should consider eating there sometimes," I say.

"No," she immediately replies and before I can say any more she continues. "My daughter is more important than those bitches at school. I don't care about them. I need to get along with them for a few years. My daughter is there for the rest of my life and she has top priority. He agreed to home lunches and with that this discussion is over," she declares with an air of finality that is mirroring me – only this time she's dead serious. While I'm supressing a smile her face changes to worry. Marietta is serving dessert and Lilly is picking at it. I'm about to ask her when she speaks up. "I didn't mean to be cheeky," she mumbles, quickly looking at me, before turning her attention to her dessert again.

"I know," I say. "Now eat up," I smile at her. After dessert she's about to go upstairs again. "Lilly?" I hold her back.

"Yes?"

"Are we good?" I ask her tentatively. She's coming towards me to give me a hug. I'm so touched that I have to swallow. "Thank you," I whisper in her ear. When she steps out of our embrace I hold her face. "I'm sorry I spoilt your good mood. You should be happy and proud of the A's. But remember, there are things far more important than getting an A," I say to her and she nods.

"Thank you, Emily," she says. The phone is ringing. "Say hello to Richard for me," she adds.

"I will," I say, going to take the call while she goes upstairs to complete her homework.

* * *

"Ma'am?" Marietta addresses me while I'm writing a letter. I put my pen down and look at her.

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry to disturb you, but do you have a moment for me, please?" she asks politely.

"What is it?" I question her.

"I want to ask if it's possible to take tomorrow off," she says a little timidly.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but you had yesterday off, had you?" I reply sternly.

"Yes, ma'am," she whispers, looking at her feet.

"Well than you have your answer. It's one day off per week. If you want to change your free day next week we can talk about that," I offer.

"I don't need for it to change next week, I need tomorrow, ma'am. Please it is important," she says with more courage than I thought she could muster up.

"Well, this is no musical request programme. This is your job. A very well paid one. If you decide to show up every other day you need to look for a new one," I challenge her.

"No, ma'am. I'm sorry. Please forget about my request. I need this job. Please. I'm sorry," she stammers and I wave my hand to dismiss her. She curtsies and practically flees from me.

The doorbell is ringing. After waiting a moment for Marietta to come back I get up myself. Maybe I really should consider firing her. I open the door. It's only the mail-man having a parcel for Richard. After placing it in his study I'm going to the kitchen to update Marietta on her duties as a maid. Opening the door is definitely one of them. The door to the kitchen is ajar so I hear Marietta talking to someone. "Please, I can't get away tomorrow. Isn't there any possibility to postpone? Maybe I could come in the evening? – No, of course. – No, I can't get away. – She's four years old, how do you think she's supposed to get there? – No, there aren't any other people. My mother is sick herself and I have to work. Are you sure the doctor can't wait a few hours? - Yes, I understand the concept of closing time," she sighs, hanging up. In the meantime I went into the kitchen. I'm standing close to the door, observing her leaning against the counter, shoulders sacked.

"Marietta?" I say and she flinches, before quickly turning towards me.

"Mrs. Gilmore!" she says shocked. "I'm sorry, I was just… I just had to… I'm sorry – "

"You have a daughter?" I interrupt her.

"Yes ma'am," she replies and I see a flicker of defiance in her eyes, before it is replaced with fear.

"And she's sick?"

"Yes ma'am,"

"And your mother is also sick?" I question her further.

"Yes ma'am,"

"Why didn't you say so?" I ask.

"I don't know," she says defeated, "ma'am," she quickly adds.

"So I take it this doctor's appointment isn't taking up your whole day," I go on.

"No, ma'am," she says, only quickly looking at me, before concentrating on her feet again. I sigh.

"All right. You're allowed to leave for the time you need to take her to the doctor and back," I say.

"Thank you ma'am," she curtsies. "Thank you. I'll stay longer in the evening, to make up for the missed time," she offers.

"Of course you will. And next time start with the important information when asking a favour," I inform her rather coldly, but she's smiling relieved at me nonetheless.

"Yes ma'am. Thank you," she repeats again and again, while I'm leaving the kitchen. The doorbell is ringing again and I remember I meant to talk to her about her duties. This time she is coming to get it, but since I'm already next to it I wave her off. After opening the door I take in a deep breath. "Hello, Mom," Lorelai addresses me. So I guess she's made her decision. It was difficult to just wait until she was ready, but I did.

"Hello Lorelai," I reply, staring at her for some seconds. "Please come in," I say after swallowing the knot that formed in my throat. Maybe I'm not that certain about her reaction than I thought I'd be.


	56. The Decision

_So it's nearly a year again. I didn't even remember leaving you with such a cliffhanger – I'm really sorry about that. The thing is the longer this story becomes the longer it takes for me to get into it again, remembering the details and well I still hope to give this a proper ending. Thanks for still reading it._

**Chapter 56 – The Decision**

"Would you like some coffee?" I ask my daughter, after taking her coat.

"Yes, please," she replies, her face unreadable. I have no idea, what she's about to tell me. I just hope she'll accept. After ordering Marietta to bring us coffee I lead Lorelai into the living-room. She's very quiet.

"So… how are you?" I open our conversation, taking a seat opposite her.

"I'm fine, thank you," she answers. "Is that a new painting?" she asks me, pointing to the wall.

"Yes. I got it at an auction organized by the DAR – the money went to charity," I add, reminding her that there are good things about this organization. "I quite like it, though Richard would love to throw it out," I finish, still trying to read her mind. Why isn't she telling me about her decision? Is she still not sure? Is she afraid to tell me? Is she playing games? But I won't ask. I promised myself not to pressure her and I won't. Even if it means only small talk for the whole length of her visit.

"Well…," she says, looking at the painting intently. "It's not totally horrible,"

"Why, thank you," I answer dryly, while Marietta comes with the coffee. We're both sipping the hot liquid, eyeing each other. After talking about the weather, Rory and some more things she finally puts her cup down.

"So, Mother…, " she starts. _Mother. _Don't panic Emily.

„So, Lorelai…," I manage to mimic her, putting my cup down.

"Congratulations," she says. I'm confused and I guess my face is mirroring this emotion. "For not once coming to the inn or asking me any questions as soon as I set foot into this house. I know this must have been hard for you, but I'm really grateful you gave me some time to think about your gift," she explains and while at first it seems as if she was joking she's getting serious in the end. So the moment is here, I'll finally get to hear her decision. Still I can't guess what she's decided. "You know how I want to be independent, not to be indebted to anyone – "

"Oh yes I know. Especially not to me," I cut her off. Of course she's refusing. How could I've ever thought anything different?

"Mom, please listen to me, will you?" she asks. I just nod. "I always imagined myself earning a house for Rory and me. It was a nice dream, but looking closely at it, Rory could be pretty old until that dream comes true," she continues, and I'm hopeful again. Should it really happen? My daughter is about to accept such a gift from me? "You see I thought about your words and you were right. Rory is getting older and she deserves her own room – at the latest when she's starting school and I can't see myself having saved enough money by then," she quietly admits, looking down at her folding and unfolding hands in her lap. And while I want to desperately say something to her now, to console her, telling her it's not a crime to accept a little help, I know I have to keep quiet. She needs a moment before she's continuing and that alone tells me how difficult this is for her. "So I went over and took a look at the house you bought. I really like it. Actually it is one of those I was having in mind when dreaming about my house," she admits further. "So if we can find a sensible solution about the amount of rent I'd have to pay – "

"We will," I finally cut her off, not being able to suppress my joy any longer. But while I am all smiles, my daughter isn't. In fact she still looks a little desperate. "What is it, Lorelai?" I ask her tensely.

"I know that you're happy now, and I can even understand that you feel better knowing that we're living in a real house, but Mother, please, when I am paying rent, than I am the one who decides how to furnish it, what to do about the garden and how to live there," she finishes, still not looking happy.

"Of course," I reply, but she doesn't seem convinced.

"I mean it, Mom. And when you come to visit I don't want you to comment on everything and demean my way of living," she says, first making me immensely happy in mentioning me visiting as something she views as normal and then hurting me in implying I'd only criticize. I guess I can't mask my hurt completely. "This is my biggest fear, Mom. You taking charge of everything, because it is your house – "

"Well, you could prevent that in accepting the house as a gift – " I snappishly cut her off again.

"You know that is not an option," she states firmly, what I know anyway. "And it wouldn't solve the problem, since you could also take charge because you were the one buying it in the first place," she points out. "If this is going to work then I need you to accept that I am an adult who is paying rent for yes – your house – but in paying rent I earn the right to live there the way I want to. And if it is untidy, then that is how it is. It's my place. Not yours. Not ours. Mine. Mine and Rory's", she states, holding eye contact with me for a while before looking at her now unfolded hands.

So this is how she views me. Am I really only criticizing? Taking charge of her life? She lived apart from me for three years, I wouldn't call that taking charge of her life, but thinking back to when she was living here – honestly thinking back – I have to admit to myself that she does have a point. Granted it was my house back then, but still. I go to her and sit down next to her, taking her hand into mine. "Of course it is your place," I assure her. "You're in charge there, picking out furniture and everything. If you don't believe me, we can even put that into the contract," I offer her, but after looking at my glistening eyes, she's shaking her head. I take a deep breath and blink a few times to be sure the glistening is gone. "Lorelai, please look at me," I ask her. "I am very happy that you decided to rent this house. I do respect that in doing so this becomes your house for the time being. And I promise you that I'll treat you as such. I won't demean it," I say sincerely.

Tears are brimming in her eyes now and she moves forward to embrace me. "Thank you, Mom," she whispers.

"I love you angel," I whisper back, stroking her hair. When she's facing me again, I wipe away the tear that spilled over. "However please cut me some slack if some kind of remark about your tidiness slips from my mouth," I add a little jokingly to lighten the mood. But we both know there is also some truth in it. You can't change completely overnight.

"Deal," she says, the hint of a smile appearing on her face. "But only _some_," she adds, stressing the last word and we both share a smile. It's nice to sit here in peace with her. For a while we're not talking and it's not a bad kind of quietness. "So about the rent…," she finally speaks up again.

"Your father should be home soon. Do you mind waiting for him? Then you can hatch out the details with him, contracts were always his part," I explain also knowing that Richard has thought a great deal about this, but I feel that she's not completely comfortable with that. "Only if that's okay for you, I can be present if you want me to, I just thought this is something the two of you could share," I explain further and now she's looking confused. "You know he missed you too, and the two of you didn't have much time for yourself until now, however if you don't feel good about this, we can talk about it now and I'll tell him the outcome and he can set up the contract then," I quietly say. She's looking at me for some time. "You know you really don't have to," I start again, fearing that somehow all of this goes wrong again. "Just tell me what you thought about the rent and – "

"No. I'll wait for Dad," she quietly says, still looking a little insecure.

"Thank you," I say, giving her cheek a little kiss. "You know, he loves you too," I whisper into her ear. She nods and gets up looking wistfully out of the window. I don't dare to interrupt her thoughts again.

* * *

I'm pacing the hall, every now and then glancing at his study. Why does it take so long? But looking at the clock they're not even in there for 20 minutes. Three times I was close to eavesdropping but that wouldn't be right. This is their moment. Their greeting was quite formal and Lorelai went in there shoulders straight. "Marietta?" I finally call out for my maid. "Marietta?"

"Yes, ma'am?" she says hurrying towards me.

"Didn't I tell you to dust the banister?" I ask her.

"No ma'am," she timidly says.

"But I did tell you that the entrance hall always has to look impeccable, didn't I?" I ask her, my tone threatening.

"I guess so, ma'am," she replies.

"You guess?" I ask her incredulously.

"I believe so, ma'am," she repeats.

"Well, you're not here to guess or believe you're here to do your job. And your job is to clean this house and especially this part of the house since it is the first part every visitor sees, so it should be a given that there is no dust to find on the banister," I lecture her.

"I'm sorry, ma'am. I'll do it tomorrow," she says.

"Tomorrow? You're doing it now," I demand.

"But ma'am, dinner is nearly – "

"Now," I say mercilessly. "And wasn't tomorrow the day where you need some time off again. Maybe you shouldn't return if this simple task is too much to ask," I threaten her. Her eyes are getting big with fear.

"Please, no ma'am," she whispers. "Please, I'll be right back," she pleads, curtsies and flees to the kitchen.

"You have one minute," I shout after her. Looking at the study they're still inside. Some movement is catching my eye. It's Lilly standing on top of the stairs, dusting the banister. "Stop that," I call out to her.

"But you heard, she's making dinner, which should be ready any minute," she says looking at the clock. Nearly seven.

"Stop it," I repeat, my voice getting threatening towards her as well.

"So what? You want to fire her, because she can't cut herself in two? Do you want her to ruin dinner, because she has to dust the banister now?" she challenges me. I stare at her. I'm in no mood to discuss this with her.

"She should've cleaned it before then she wouldn't be in this mess. And where is she anyway?" I say looking in the direction of the kitchen.

"Probably trying to save dinner," Lilly remarks, coming downstairs all the while swishing over the banister giving me a challenging look before going to the kitchen.

Marietta is hurrying towards me. "I'm sorry, Mrs. Gilmore," she says, before kneeling down to dust the banister from every angle. At least she's thorough. I watch her for a while and she seems scared. Scared and tired. I needed her to get my mind of Lorelai and Richard, but now she's here to watch my pacing and that isn't what I want either. She's on step five when I go over to look closely at her work. I can practically sense her fear. She doesn't dare to look at me. There is nothing to complain about her work.

"What about dinner?" I question her.

"What about it, ma'am?" she asks timidly.

"Well you implied you couldn't dust it now, because you had to take care of dinner. Was that a lie?" I challenge her. For a second I see a defiant look in her eyes.

"Miss Lilly came to ask what to do to keep dinner warm. She's taking care of it," she quietly says.

"Well, this is not Miss Lilly's task. Go to the kitchen. You can finish this later. Maybe you should stay longer today as well, to make up for tomorrow," I say.

"Yes, ma'am," she says and I hear the relief in her voice.

"Well, go," I say and she's getting up descending the stairs.

"Ma'am?" she dares to ask me.

"Yes?"

"When do you want me to serve dinner?" she asks, glancing at the clock which says 7:10 pm right now.

"I'll let you know," I reply, looking at the study again. "Now go," I say. She curtsies and hurries to the kitchen. I sigh.

The door to the study is being opened and Lorelai and Richard are coming out. Both seem to be in a good mood and I'm relieved. Seems it wasn't the wrong decision to let the two of them solve the rent issue. "Ah, Emily there you are," Richard says. "We just need your signature and then everything is settled," he explains, motioning for me to come into his study. After skimming the contract I sign my name next to Richards. "Makes it official then," Richard remarks, handing one of the contracts to Lorelai.

"So June," I say, looking at Lorelai.

"Yes, June 1st, "Lorelai affirms.

I give her a smile. "Would you like to stay for dinner?" I offer.

"No, thank you, Mom. Rory is waiting for me. I really should go now," she says. "Dad," she nods to him and while I would have liked to watch their goodbyes the phone is ringing in this moment.

"Richard!" I exclaim.

"No, it's okay Dad. Take it," she says, waving at him.

"Sorry," Richard says to both of us, waving back. We're leaving his study.

"Thank you, Lorelai," I say sincerely, looking at her. I can only imagine what it must have cost her to come here.

"As I said before, I should be the one thanking you," she mumbles.

"And as I said before, you don't have to. I feel better myself this way. And now I don't want to hear any more about it," I say firmly. We share a look.

"I really need to go. Goodbye, Mom," she says, kissing my cheek.

"Goodbye, Lorelai," I say, waving after her.


	57. Marietta

_Wow. It's amazing some people are still reading this story and waiting for an update. So this is for you. Thanks for the reviews!_

**Chapter 57 - Marietta**

"So how was your talk with Lorelai?" I ask Richard, snuggling up to him.

"Good," he replies, kissing my hair.

"And?" I prod.

"What do you mean _'and'_?" he asks innocently.

"Richard!" I exclaim, slapping his chest.

"Now, now, Emily," he admonishes me slightly, taking my hand and kissing it. I sigh.

"Richard, please tell me," I prod further.

"Apparently she talked to Mia. As I imagined she didn't charge much for the shed," he starts.

"You couldn't charge much for that," I mumble.

"Now do you want to hear it?" he challenges me.

"Sorry," I say, kissing his hand. "Go on, I'll be quiet," I continue and ignore his chuckle.

"Anyway, just to raise her payment to that of the other maids, she wouldn't get much more money. But with Rory being in kindergarten and here on Fridays Mia suggested she'd get more responsibility at the inn, thus a pay rise and that plus the amount she is saving every month anyway will be the amount of rent she's paying us. She still thinks it's too less, but I looked into the market and we're nearly there. So I could convince her in saying that if she's the one responsible should something be in need of repair this would be the usual rent you find on the market for this kind of house," he finishes.

"But Richard, what if something is in need of repair? How should she possibly pay for it?" I ask him.

"I'll make sure the house is in perfect state come June 1st – and well should really something happen to it, we can think about what to do then. For now this got her to agree to the contract and to keep her pride. And while I still think it is false pride I'm also glad I could make her feel that way. She really matured," he says. I'm thinking about his words for some time.

"What do you mean she's getting more responsibility at the inn?" I ask him.

"I don't know exactly, but it sounded like she'd be some kind of head maid and also helping out at the reception, when necessary," he says.

"Hmm… and what about the rent also being partial payment for the house?" I ask him.

"She didn't seem comfortable with that. At least she said she'd have to do some research on these kinds of things. She really doesn't want any favours. And honestly Emily – I don't care about that. She's going to inherit it anyway, so why make such a fuss about it. When she wants it to be that way we'll change the contract otherwise it stays as it is right now. The main point is that she and Rory are living in a decent house," he says.

"I agree," I reply. "And otherwise?" I ask him.

"What do you mean _'otherwise'_?" he asks me.

"How did the two of you get along?" I ask.

"Very well. She has matured a lot. It was very business-like. I think we connected a little," he finishes and while I can't see him in the dark I know he's smiling.

"That's good," I say. "Goodnight, Richard," I add.

"Goodnight, Emily," he replies. "And thanks for giving us some alone time," he adds after a while.

"Anytime," I say.

* * *

"I'm sorry it took such a long time," Marietta says after coming back from the doctor's appointment with her daughter. I take a look at the clock. "I know, it's nearly five hours, I'm sorry, Mrs. Gilmore," she goes on. "I'll finish the banister now, if that's okay," she says.

"Yes, you do that," I reply. I sent her home after dinner yesterday evening. She looked so tired and while I wouldn't admit it to anyone I know I was too harsh to her.

After dinner I'm sitting in the living-room, reading a book. Richard is in his study – again. Lilly is also studying upstairs and Becky is playing on her blanket next to me. It's nice to watch her play with her fingers and some of the toys. Nearly everything gets explored with her mouth, so I have to make sure nothing unsuitable is within her reach.

"Mrs. Gilmore," Marietta addresses me and I look at her. "I'm finished with the kitchen. Do you want me to do some ironing now?" she suggests.

"Yes. I think that's the next task at hand," I reply. "And when you're done with that the guest-room also needs a proper cleaning. Actually you should start with the guest-room," I say. I don't want her upstairs too late in the evening.

"Yes, ma'am," she says and turns around. She's sweating a little.

"Marietta?"

"Yes, ma'am?" she says, facing me once more.

"Are you sure you're not sick?" I ask her and for a moment I see fear in her eyes.

"I'm fine, ma'am," she says, wanting to turn around again.

"Marietta?" I call her back.

"Yes, ma'am?" she replies again, a little hesitantly this time.

"How is your daughter? Everything fine with her?" I ask and see a sad look coming into her eyes.

"No, ma'am. I'm afraid everything isn't fine with her," she replies after a short pause.

"What is it?" I inquire.

"Scarlet fever," she replies and I think my heart stopped for a moment.

"Scarlet fever!" I exclaim, startling Becky and thus getting even angrier. "Are you crazy coming here again, when she's having scarlet fever?" I ask her angrily.

"But I'm sure I don't have it. I'm just a little tired, with my mother and her being sick at home," she defends herself.

"Does your mother also have scarlet fever?" I inquire. "Marietta!"

"Very likely. But as I said, I'm not feeling as bad as they do –"

"Don't you know that's not important? You can pass it on to us without being sick yourself. Though I very much doubt you're not sick, looking at you. How could you come here, don't you see there's a baby around?" I nearly shout. She's in tears by now.

"I'm sorry ma'am, but I need this job. I need money for the doctor and the medicine, not to speak of rent, food and everything else. Please, let me work – "

"Get out of here," I exclaim, standing up and going away from Becky, who is starting to cry. Marietta is following me, also crying. "What did you touch around here?" I demand. "Marietta for heaven's sake, what did you touch? Obviously the banister and everything in the kitchen, what else?" I start to think of her work for the last days.

"I don't know. I guess pretty much everything," she admits between sobs. I can't believe it, how could she come here, knowing – but did she know?

"Since when did you know about the scarlet fever?" I inquire, trying to calm myself.

"Today," she sobs.

"You shouldn't have come back, especially not with Becky around. Don't you know that if treated improperly this can lead to blindness even years later?" I ask her. She's literally breaking down now, sinking to the floor. I curse myself for forgetting about her daughter for a second. "If treated improperly I said. Obviously your daughter does get treatment now," I add softer.

"But, but only… only if I still have work," she sobs. "Please, ma'am – "

"What's going on here?" Lilly asks me, looking unbelievingly from me to Marietta kneeling in front of me.

"Take Becky and go upstairs," I say.

"But – "

"Take Becky and go upstairs. Now!" I glare at her. She's looking at Marietta.

"Emily, please – "

"Do as I tell you, get Becky out of here. I'll take care of Marietta," I say, staring at Lilly once more. Finally she gives in. I go to my purse to get some money. "Here, this is for the next two weeks. Take care of your daughter. And your mother. Ask the doctor about the moment when there is absolutely no risk of you infecting anyone. Then you can come back. Not earlier. If you need more money, you can call. I'll take care of it then," I offer. She's looking unbelievingly first at the money and then at me. Her sobs are subsiding.

"Are you sure?" she finally manages to ask.

"About what? Giving you this money? Yes. You leaving here at once? Certainly. And I won't discuss this. Now go get your things and as I said, if you need more let me know," I repeat. Slowly she's getting up, taking the money.

"Thank you, Mrs. Gilmore," she says, curtseying deeply before going to the kitchen to get her things. I take some deep breaths. A minute later she appears again. "I'm sorry. I didn't know about it being so dangerous. I hope I didn't pass it unto you," she says. I look at her. She seems serious. And she doesn't look well at all. And with that I don't mean the signs of her crying.

"Go to the doctor to get checked yourself," I say and I can see how she's subconsciously glancing at the money.

"Yes, ma'am," she says. "Thank you," she says again, before going to the door. I go after her.

"Marietta?"

"Yes, ma'am," she says.

"Here," I say, holding out some more money to her.

"Oh no, ma'am. I couldn't – "

"I want you to go to the doctor as well," I state firmly. "Now take it," I demand.

"Yes, ma'am. Thank you," she whispers, curtseying once more before going outside.

I immediately turn around to get the disinfectant. I start with the banister. It will take me ages to disinfect everything. I ponder whether or not to call Lilly, but I don't. I don't want to put her into more danger than she already is in. As if she could sense my thoughts I hear movement from upstairs.

"What are you doing?" Lilly is asking me, standing upstairs and watching me kneeling on the stairs, cleaning every inch of the banister.

"I'd like to know that myself," Richard is chiming in, leaving his study. I sigh.

"Marietta's child has scarlet fever. Her mother probably as well and looking at her I guess she's getting it, too. I can't believe she still came here," I explain. "Marietta is the name of our latest maid," I say to Richard.

"Oh I did know that," he huffs.

"Is it that dangerous?" Lilly is asking me.

"Have you heard of Helen Keller? Mary Ingalls? It's very dangerous and the worst is you can be healthy for quite a while again and then suddenly there'll be long term consequences," I say.

"Now, Emily. Helen Keller, Mary Ingalls – that was way before the discovery of penicillin. Don't dramatize," Richard admonishes me.

"Don't dramatize? Richard, do you want Becky to become scarlet fever? Do you want to get it?" I challenge.

"I already did have scarlet fever and there weren't any long term consequences," he counters.

"You do know you can get it several times, do you?" I ask him and judging from his expression he didn't know. "And yes, I do know that there is penicillin today, but there also was in my childhood, still I remember scarlet fever breaking out and some kids having severe trouble – even with penicillin. So no, I don't think I'm being dramatic," I defend myself, images of a very sick Hope flashing through my mind. They said she nearly died, but I won't say that. Not in front of Lilly at least.

"Let me help you," Lilly offers.

"I've already thought about it and while yes, we would be quicker I really prefer if you stay in your room, study and take care of Becky until I'm done," I say. "And please, no discussion," I add when I see she wants to protest.

"Call me if you need me," she says quietly before going upstairs again.

"You really think that's necessary?" Richard says, pointing to the disinfectant.

"I do. Now if you'll please excuse me, I have a lot of work to do," I say.

It's after midnight when I'm finally falling into bed. I cleaned the banister then the kitchen. I put the dishes into the dishwasher again, cleaned the counter, the table, the chairs – everything. Same with the dining-room. I went to the store to get more disinfectant to spray around. Tomorrow I'll do the cellar. That also means washing the clothes she just put out of the machine again. Soon after my head is resting on my pillow I fall into a dreamless sleep.

"Emily? Emily?" I hear someone whispering desperately. "Emily, please wake up," I recognize Lilly's voice and am wide awake now. A look at the clock says 3 am.

"What is it?" I ask, dreading the answer.

"It's Becky. She's so hot," Lilly affirms my fears. So I was too late. It's already in our house.


	58. Scarlet fever

_Thanks for the time to review. Here's the next one. _

**Chapter 58 – Scarlet fever**

Becky is sick. I call Joshua after checking on her, discovering that she is running high fever – 104. I know that's not unusual concerning little children, still I'm shocked to see her like that. Lilly already made some calf packing for her, before waking me, but that doesn't seem to work. She is crying at first, but in the end she is only whimpering – too weak to cry properly. Hearing my voice Joshua comes at once.

"You're right Emily. It probably is scarlet fever. She's not the first one I've seen with the symptoms this week. Seems it goes around these days," he says.

"Is it bad?" Lilly asks timidly.

"Now, now," he starts to calm her, seeing the fear in her eyes. "She's not the first baby becoming scarlet fever. You will probably have some sleepless nights, but she should be fine again in about two weeks," he replies.

"So does she get penicillin?" I ask him. Since he's not answering immediately I go on. "Another antibiotic? Joshua you have to do something," I urge him.

"I don't like to prescribe antibiotics to little children," he explains.

"Well, I don't like her getting scarlet fever either, but there's nothing you can do about it," I say angrily.

"Are you saying she'll get over it without any kind of antibiotic?" Lilly asks him.

"Don't be ridiculous," I say, but he's ignoring me.

"We could try. Sometimes it works," he says.

"Sometimes?" she inquires.

"Well, I have to tell you that I've seen cases where yes it worked, but just as much, where I had to prescribe it after some days or a week, seeing it wouldn't work without any help," he admits.

"Right. And we don't want to torture her in prolonging it, won't we? So please give me the prescription, so I can get it," I demand.

"I'm not sure I want that," Lilly says and I can't believe what I'm hearing.

"Lilly. Have you any idea what this illness means? What it could mean?" I correct myself.

"But the doctor should know about it and even he isn't sure what to do. And as long as we can give it to her later, where's the damage?" she asks.

"Maybe the damage is already done by then," I say. She's looking at Joshua.

"You are her mother. It's for you to decide," he says.

"Lilly – "

"Emily, please," he says and I stare daggers at him.

"You aren't even 100 percent sure, that it is scarlet fever, are you?" she asks him.

"No, it very much looks like it and given that I've seen some cases during the last days it does make sense – "

"Our maid has it," I chime in.

"Her daughter," Lilly corrects me and I glare at her as well.

"I'll be sure tomorrow, after I have the result of the test," he says.

"We'll wait until then," she decides.

"Lilly – " I start to say imploringly before being cut off by Joshua.

"Emily, please. She does make sense," he wants to quiet me.

"Maybe she does, but you don't. I'll see you out," I say shortly.

"Go on with the calf packing. Also wet some kitchen towels and hang them around the room. A damp climate should help her breathing, especially once the coughing starts. And call me should she reach 107," he advises her.

"Thank you, doctor. Also for coming here during the night," Lilly says.

"Don't worry too much. She'll be fine," he says before following me.

"How can you say that, when you're not even giving her any penicillin?" I demand to know.

"Emily, please. Stop frightening that girl. I've seen hundreds of cases with scarlet fever and they all survived – without any damages," he lectures me.

"Well lucky you," I spat. "Because I witnessed my sister nearly dying because of it, and some neighbourhood kids did have severe damage with their kidneys and other things, I don't remember correctly, but it was bad," I say, tears brimming in my eyes. "But hey as long as you have your guinea pig," I add, seeing the hurt in his eyes.

"I'm sorry you had to make these experiences. But I'm even sorrier you think of me in that way. After all these years. Goodbye, Emily. I'll be back in the morning," he says, leaving me. I swallow and wipe away my tears.

"Emily?" Lilly calls timidly from upstairs. Great, now she witnessed that as well.

"Yes?" I manage to say.

"Do you have a book where I can read about scarlet fever?" she asks.

"I'll get it," I say, going into Richards study. When I've found it, I see her coming from the kitchen, some towels in her arms.

"Thank you," she says.

"You're welcome," I reply shortly.

"I just want to do what's best for Becky," she whispers.

"I know. Me too," I say more softly. "Now let's wet these towels," I say.

* * *

I went back to bed after that, but not to sleep. In the morning I tell Richard all about it. His business trip is starting today – or that is how it was planned. "You think I should stay with you?" he asks me.

"I think leaving here is the best you can do. Question is, are you already passing it on unto others?" I reply. He looks troubled.

"Well, I don't feel bad," he ponders. "I'll ask Joshua, you said he's coming back today, right?"

"Yes," I say curtly, getting a strange look from my husband. "I'll go check on the girls now," I say. Amazingly Becky is sleeping, but Lilly isn't there. I'm going downstairs. Richard is going into his study and I hear them talking.

"I'm sorry, I just went in here. I was just looking for more information about scarlet fever," she apologizes.

"That's all right," he replies, giving her some more books.

"Thanks. Do you think she should get penicillin?" she asks him.

"I don't know. I'd listen to Joshua," he replies. Sure. Joshua.

"Emily wants her to get it," she says, apparently not noticing that I'm watching them by now. "And reading about it, they also say you need 10 days of penicillin as therapy," she muses.

"As I said, I'd wait for Joshua," he repeats. "She'll be fine," he assures her.

"Thanks," she says, looking gratefully at him.

* * *

Joshua affirmed it – it is scarlet fever. It's still at 104. Richard asks to speak to him, since he should leave soon. I hear Joshua telling him to go. Whatever. "Did anything happen between Emily and you? You seem strange around each other," I hear my husband asking him. I hold my breath.

"You should ask Emily that," he replies, leaving Richard on the floor and going to Becky. "Have you decided what you want to do about the penicillin?" he asks Lilly. She's glancing at me before answering.

"What do you advise?" she asks him.

"As I said before, we could try without. However I can't promise you she wouldn't need it later," he says and I huff. He stares at me.

"It's silly we even have to talk about it," I say.

"Emily, would you leave us alone?" Joshua asks of me and I can't believe what I'm hearing.

"In case you have forgotten, this is my house," I state icily.

"You're not her mother," Joshua replies.

"I don't mind her stay – " Lilly starts.

"Emily? I need your help before I'm leaving in a few minutes. Please come," Richard is shouting for me. I give Joshua a piercing look before turning around.

"What in heaven's sake is going on between the two of you?" Richard asks me. "I've never seen Joshua talking to you like that," he explains.

"So you were eavesdropping?"

"He is my friend, Emily. Our friend. Do you really want to jeopardize that, because of some silly fight? He's the doctor, Emily, not you," he says ignoring what I said. I can't look at him. He's coming towards me, putting a finger under my chin, so that I have to look at him. "Can you honestly tell me, that this strange behaviour is only his fault and not yours?" he asks me and I can't stand his gaze.

"No," I whisper finally.

"If you can't even tell me what you said, it must've been very bad," he concludes and I can't deny it.

"I said something I didn't mean," I admit. "I hurt him," I state.

"Then you know what you have to do," he states, kissing my head. "Make up with him. This icy atmosphere isn't helping anyone," he says. I nod. He's right. "Goodbye, Emily. I'll call you as soon as I'm in Philadelphia," he says.

"Goodbye, Richard. Come back as soon as you feel bad," I say.

"I will," he replies. I follow him to the front door. "Make up with – "

"I will. Goodbye, Richard," I say, waving him off. I'm standing in the doorway looking after him. I can't believe they're even thinking about not giving her any penicillin. Suddenly I hear steps behind me. It's Joshua.

"I'll be back tomorrow," he says to me. "Again, call me should she reach 107, no matter what time," he adds. I nod. Does that mean she's still not getting any penicillin? He's taking his coat. "Emily," he says, going outside. My damn pride.

"Joshua?" I call after him. He turns around, looking at me expectantly. I swallow. "Thank you for coming," I say, wanting to say something else. He nods at me curtly before getting into his car. So tomorrow then. My damn pride. Going upstairs my steps are heavy. I feel strange. I'm sure it's just the lack of sleep.


	59. Being sick

_Thanks for the reviews. I'm always interested in your thoughts. Here's the next one: _

**Chapter 59 – Being sick**

"Here's the prescription, Emily. Do you think you could get it? Otherwise I'll go, Becky is sleeping right now – though I don't know how long that will last," Lilly says, coming downstairs.

"So she's getting penicillin?" I ask, not daring to hope just yet.

"Yes," Lilly answers and relief is flooding through me.

"That's good," I say, taking the prescription. "I'll get it," I add.

"Thanks. And can you call Chilton as well? I don't think I should go there, today," she asks.

"Yes, of course. I'll also have to call Lorelai to cancel Rory on Friday," I say more to myself than to her.

"I'm sorry," she says nonetheless.

"Don't be silly. It's not your fault," I say getting my coat and my purse. "What made you change your mind? Concerning the penicillin?" I ask her.

"I never said she shouldn't take it. I had to think about it," she defends herself. "As I said, in the books they also say 10 days of penicillin. And you were right about the long term consequences. I don't want to put her at risk. And for what? So that she doesn't get her first penicillin with 8 months, but in a year or so? No, I think it is the right decision and the doctor didn't object," she explains. I nod. "You don't look too well yourself, Emily," she adds, observing me closely.

"I didn't sleep much," I reply. She's looking at me intently, finally putting her hand on my forehead.

"A little warm," she muses.

"Nonsense. I need some sleep. But first I'll go to the apothecary," I say, turning around. I really don't feel too well.

* * *

It's not getting any better during the day. My throat is starting to ache and I try to push away the thought of what this means. Especially now, that I'm at odds with Joshua. The phone is ringing and I take it, knowing it is Richard. He arrived safely.

"How are you feeling," I ask him.

"I'm fine," he assures me. "And you?"

"Just a little tired," I reply, wondering if that's more than a white lie and if he also wasn't telling the truth.

"Did you talk to Joshua?" he asks. I knew he would.

"No," I reply shortly, expecting him to reprimand me. For some seconds we're not talking.

"How's Becky?" he finally asks with a sigh. I'm surprised and grateful that he lets it go, but I hear his sadness and disappointment anyway.

"There is no difference. But she's getting penicillin now, so I hope she'll get better soon," I update him.

"I hope so, too. I have to go now. I'll call again tonight," he bids me farewell.

"I know," I say. He always calls at 9 pm when he's away. After checking one more time how Becky is – still cranky and crying, Lilly is carrying her around constantly to calm her - I'm going to bed. I really should get some sleep. After one hour of tossing and turning I know that I'm not able to sleep and at 6 pm I'm also running a fever. Only 101, but I really feel bad. And weak. And I hate it. Poor Becky, at least she's down to 102 by now. I know kids can handle fever much better than adults, but I still feel for her. And for me. My throat is aching like hell.

"I'll call Joshua," Lilly says, standing in front of my bed.

"No. He'll come here tomorrow anyway. I'll take some aspirin," I say.

"Aspirin," she huffs. "I'll call him," she states.

"Lilly – "

"I hear Becky crying. Excuse me," she cuts me off. I don't hear any crying. A while later she comes back with wet towels to hang around the room and a calf packing for me.

"Thank you," I whisper. Talking hurts. "But don't call Joshua," I demand again.

"I won't," she says, and I'm surprised she gave in so fast. 15 minutes later I'm not surprised anymore. Joshua is coming into my room.

"I already called him," Lilly defends herself, before leaving us alone.

"Lilly says you're at 101?" he asks me, his tone businesslike. I nod. "What else?" he demands.

"My throat. It's horrible," I whisper.

"Open your mouth and stick out your tongue," he orders. When I don't obey at once, he's glaring at me. For a second I return the glare, before following his orders. "Scarlet fever for sure. You already have the first signs of a raspberry tongue," he diagnoses. I close my eyes. "You should drink as much as you can. Stay in bed. Take penicillin and you should feel better in a few days," he says. "I'll be right back," he adds and when I open my eyes again, he's already at the door. Some minutes later Lilly appears again.

"I'm sorry," she offers.

"For what?" I croak.

"You being sick as well," she states.

"_That's_ not your fault," I say, emphasizing the first word.

"Oh please, I had to call him," she says. I know she's right.

"Is he gone?" I ask.

"He's getting your medicine," she replies. I feel worse.

"And Becky?" I ask.

"Not much change. It's difficult to get her to take the penicillin, since she doesn't want to eat anything. But I'll manage," she says, trying to smile.

"I wish I could help you," I say.

"You stay in bed. Here," she says and only now do I notice the bell she's handing me. "Use it, if you need me," she says.

"Thanks," I say closing my eyes. I'm so tired. My head is also aching. A few hours ago I called Lorelai. _"Lorelai, it's your mother. I'm sorry, but I have to cancel Friday. Becky has scarlet fever. She got it from the maid," I said. _

"_I'm sorry to hear that, Mom," she replied._

"_I hope you didn't get infected," I shared my fear._

"_Don't worry, Mom. I feel fine," she replied. _

"_I'm sorry, Lorelai. I hope it's not too much of a problem. Your father told me you wanted to work more," I said._

"_As I said, don't worry, Mom. Make sure, Becky gets healthy again. You know I really have to go now," she said in an apologetic tone._

"Emily? You really should start taking it now," Joshua says. He's in my room again, next to my bed. "You have to take it three times a day. With lots of water. For at least ten days," he explains, handing me a glass of water and the pill. I take it. Swallowing hurts. He seems to notice. "I also got you something that should help your throat ache," he adds, looking at me concerned.

"Thank you," I manage to say, drinking some water helped my talking.

"Try to sleep," he says. I'm about to say that I was sleeping before he came, but I don't. He could take it the wrong way.

"Joshua," I call him back, once he's reached the door. He turns to look at me. "I apologize. I didn't mean it," I say quietly. He comes towards me again.

"I would never use any of my patients as a – "

"I know. I'm sorry. I was upset. I always had to think of Hope. I don't want anything like that to happen to Becky," I say, ignoring my throat.

"Me neither," he replies.

"I know. I'm sorry. I wanted to take it back as soon as I said it. You know me, Joshua. Sometimes I speak before I think. I know you wouldn't put her into any danger," I whisper, looking pleadingly at him.

"All right," he agrees, giving me a little smile. "I'm sorry I sent you outside," he adds.

"Well, I guess I deserved it," I say, expecting him to deny it, but he doesn't. "Joshua!" I try to exclaim though my voice fails me. He's only chuckling. "I'm glad you gave her the penicillin," I manage to say.

"It was Lilly's decision. Maybe the right one," he even adds.

"I'm sure," I say and he's shaking his head.

"You shouldn't talk so much," he admonishes me. "As I said try to sleep," he says.

"Thank you," I whisper, when he's reached the door again. He looks at me and nods.

"I'll be back tomorrow," he says.

* * *

I can't remember the last time I felt so horrible. Joshua's pills against throat ache aren't helping much. Lilly is great though. Alternately being with Becky and me, trying to attend to our needs. I wonder where she takes her strength from. But then she's young. And while she does look tired, she doesn't look sick. Still I worry she'll catch it as well. But there's nothing I can do about that. I could order her to stay away from me, but not Becky. When Richard calls at 9 pm I can't hide my condition anymore. He offers to come back, but where's the use? He should be lucky he's still healthy. So I convince him to stay in Philadelphia. I'm also able to tell him I apologized to Joshua. "Thank you, Emily. I'm glad," he simply says, but I know how much it means to him. His voice is giving him away.

In the morning both Becky and I are down to 100. That's at least something. And while I still feel bad I also have to admit I feel _slightly_ better, though I have a fully developed raspberry tongue by now. Lilly tells me Becky is about to break out in a rash. Looking at my skin I can't see any signs.

Joshua is coming to check on us every day. I'm really glad I swallowed my pride. Becky has lots of little red dots on her skin, I have none. Apparently not everyone gets them. After two days of penicillin Joshua says that we shouldn't be contagious anymore. So I hire a cook and convince Lilly to call Becky's nanny, so that she's getting at least some hours of sleep in a row. On day three of penicillin my fever is down. Becky's as well, though it's still getting up in the evenings. And of course she's still whiny. After five days I do feel like getting up for a longer amount of time, though I'm still weak.

"Lilly?" I address her. "I think you should be thinking of going back to school," I say, sitting on the couch in the living-room opposite her. I just couldn't take it anymore to be confined to bed.

"But you're still not feeling well. I have to take care of you," she replies and this really touches my heart. She was exceptional the last days.

"You did take great care of me and I want to thank you for that. In fact I couldn't have asked for a better nurse," I compliment her and I see that she's blushing a little. "But I'm fine now," I go on and seeing that she wants to protest, I hold up my hand to silence her. "Maybe not fine, but much better. Richard is also coming back this evening. I can look after Becky and we can call the nanny. Amazingly you didn't catch the fever and we should be grateful for that. And you shouldn't miss out on more at Chilton," I finish.

"I know, but – "

"No buts. Unless there's another sleepless night because of Becky only crying – and it doesn't look like that – you'll go back tomorrow," I state. She doesn't say anything. "Lilly I don't want to punish you," I clarify.

"I know," she replies, but she doesn't seem happy. "You should take your pill," she adds, looking at the clock.

"And you should go back to school. But thank you. As I said, you're a good nurse," I try to lighten her mood. And I succeed since I also get a small smile with my water glass.


	60. The Fight

_Thanks for the reviews. Life is getting busier again, so I'm not sure the next update will be next weekend. _

**Chapter 60 – The Fight**

It's been two weeks, since the fever broke out. Becky seems to be recovering much faster than I am, even though her fever was higher. She's already crawling around again, playing with her toys and keeping us on our toes. Of course I'm also able to get up and walk around the house and even outside, but I tend to get exhausted very quickly. Lilly went back to Chilton, but it wasn't helping that she missed out on another week of school. I know that Jane called to keep her updated and sometimes I saw her reading and trying to study, but it was impossible for her to get it all done and I didn't expect her to. I hope she didn't expect it from herself. I'm lost in my thoughts when the doorbell is ringing and I leave the living-room to open the door. It's Marietta. "Hello Mrs. Gilmore," she greets me. I return the greeting and motion for her to come in. For a moment it's getting a little awkward.

"How is your daughter?" I ask her.

"Much better. She's able to attend kindergarten again," she replies. "Mother as well – well she's better, not attending kindergarten," she adds nervously, her right hand playing with the button of her coat.

"I'm glad to hear that," I reply. "And you?" I ask. She's looking a bit pale. She looks down for a second before answering.

"You were right in sending me to the doctor. I also got it. But I'm fine now," she assures me, her hand finally leaving the poor button alone. "I took penicillin and apparently you aren't contagious after two days of penicillin anymore," -

"I know," I interrupt her.

"Yes, well. I couldn't come back after two days though and I know you didn't want me to," she says. "I hope you didn't get it?" she asks cautiously, almost starting to turn the button again.

"Becky and I did," I reply, trying not to sound accusing, not exactly knowing if I succeed. She looks shocked.

"I'm so sorry. Really Mrs. Gilmore, I didn't want that. I didn't know about it being so dangerous and everything, I'm sorry. Are you all right now?" she asks in an apologetic and concerned tone.

"Yes," I simply state.

"I'm really sorry and I understand that you must be angry, but I came here to ask to work for you again," she says sounding relieved to get it out, but not being able to look at me. She's also not able to leave that button alone anymore. I wonder how long it takes until it rips off.

"Are you sure you're up to it?" I question her.

"I am," she says firmly, this time looking at me. "Please, ma'am," she adds quietly, looking at her shoes again.

"All right," I hear myself agreeing.

"Thank you, Mrs. Gilmore, thank you," she gushes. "You won't be sorry," she adds realizing too late what she just said. "Well, you really won't this time. Next time Emma catches something I won't come back here," she promises.

"Of course you won't," I reply curtly before sending her to the cellar to do some ironing. Throughout the day I'm observing her, wondering if she really doesn't feel exhausted anymore. I guess being younger is an advantage – plus I know she needs the money. She tries to demonstrate her strength, but in some moments, when she feels unobserved, I can see how difficult it is for her. I'll make sure she only gets some light tasks today.

When Lilly is coming home she looks unhappy. Again. Becky is always able to put a smile on her face, but apart from that I am concerned. It feels worse than before her birthday.

* * *

"Grandma, I missed you," my granddaughter greets me and it melts my heart. She was running towards me, hugging me as soon as she saw me. I'm picking her up from the inn this time, since some strange accident involving that Kirk happened in kindergarten and they had to send the kids home early. I always was suspicious of that boy. I really should talk to Lorelai about it, but not today. Today I'm happy to see my girls again.

"I missed you too darling," I say to Rory, caressing her head.

"So how are you, Mom? You sure you're up to watching Rory for the whole day?" my daughter asks me.

"I'm fine, Lorelai. I wouldn't want to miss out on another Friday. The fairies are desperately waiting for you," I tell my granddaughter.

"They are?" she asks me with big eyes which causes Lorelai and me to smile at each other. I nod. "Grandma, you know, Mom says we're moving soon and I'll get a room just for me," she proudly tells me, her arms outstretched while twirling around and I observe Lorelai. "You think the fairies will be in our new garden as well? Grandma?" Rory asks me.

"I'm sure they will be there," I reply absent-mindedly, still watching Lorelai. First she had a rather defiant look, before not being able to stand my gaze anymore. But she's not saying anything.

"Of course I'll miss Mia and Sookie and our home here," she goes on. Home. It's a shame she calls a shed her home. Luckily those times will be over soon. And Mia. It still stings. This time I was looking down. "I'll still be able to see them, Mom, will I?" she asks Lorelai a little timidly.

"Of course, you will," she assures her. "Mom, I'm sorry, I'm needed at the reception," Lorelai excuses herself.

"Of course. I'll bring her back after dinner. Or will you be joining us?" I ask her.

"I don't think I'll make it," she replies. I nod.

"Let me know if you need any help – concerning the moving," I dare to say. I want to offer more, but I know I shouldn't.

"I will. But I'm fine," she says, still the defiant look in her eyes. "I really have to go now, Mom. Rory, be a good girl," she says, kissing her daughter before leaving.

"Bye, Mommy," Rory calls after her and Lorelai turns around to wave to her.

"Goodbye, Lorelai," I say quietly.

I enjoy my day with Rory immensely. We're playing with Becky, taking her for a walk, watching out for fairies – I feel so carefree. Back inside Rory is colouring and reading and playing with Becky. She's still smitten with her. When Lilly comes home she wants to play with her as well, but Lilly is brushing her off. "Come Rory, we'll take a look at grandpa's books. Lilly needs to study," I try to distract Rory. Richard is away on business again, but she loves to be in his study to look at his books – she always seems overwhelmed by the amount of it – so I succeed.

At dinner Lilly is very quiet. "Are you sick now?" Rory finally asks her and while my first impulse is to suppress a smile I also look closely at her. But she doesn't look sick – just tired. She's studying too much.

"No," she only replies.

"You don't seem happy," Rory says.

"What's that to you," Lilly replies curtly. Rory looks taken aback. Enough is enough.

"Lilly!" I say, giving her a piercing look.

"Sorry," Rory offers, looking uncertainly at me.

"No, I'm sorry," Lilly says. Good for her. "I'm just tired," she explains.

"That's right. What about we leave her alone and you tell me about this morning in kindergarten again," I say ignoring Lilly and focusing on Rory. A smile is appearing on Rory's face. Apparently the kids thought everything very funny. Hearing the story about firefighter Kirk again – and obviously you need fire to play firefighter – I'm more and more certain that this isn't the right place for her. At least it gets Lilly's attention and the two of them are finally talking.

* * *

"Emily? I need to talk to you," Lilly announces one evening, sounding very business-like.

"Yes? What is it?" I require, looking up from my book, having a bad feeling already.

"I don't know if you've noticed – well I guess you did – but I don't feel comfortable at Chilton. I know you're paying a lot for it, but that even confirms my decision. I want to quit," she states.

"No," is all I answer.

"Please listen to me. I know you tried to help me to get some friends, and yes Jane is nice, but the truth is, I am so different from the other girls there. I don't fit in and I don't want to fit in as well," she starts.

"Lilly – "

"Please hear me out," she begs, waiting for me to reply. I sigh and nod. More time to think about an answer this way. "We both know I was already behind and missing another week made it worse. I don't think I'm able to catch up this term," she says.

"I'm sorry about that. But I'm sure we'll find a way – "

"Yes. I'm sure of that as well. In fact I already did," Lilly surprises me. I look questioningly at her. "I'll quit Chilton and will attend evening courses –

"No way – "

"Emily, please. I'm serious –

"Same here. This discussion is over. It never was one in fact," I state and get up.

"You can't just go away!" she yells, getting a stern look from me. "I'll quit. End of story," she says upset.

"You won't. I know it's hard for you. I don't expect you to get A's or B's – especially not after staying home for another week. If you set yourself these high aims then you have to alter them. There are summer courses, there is next term. A good education is important and you're not throwing yours away," I reply equally upset.

"Don't you listen? I never said I'd quit school. I want to finish school. Just not Chilton. I know evening courses take longer, but this way I'll also have more time for Becky. I rarely see her anymore and I don't like it – "

"Chilton can offer you the best opportunities, even if you're not graduating top of your class. You can't compare that to evening courses – "

"Maybe I don't want the best opportunities," she yells.

"Do not use that tone with me, young lady," I say threateningly and I see her breathing deeply, trying to calm herself. "I know it's hard for you not to have Becky around all day, but I think we already decided there is no perfect time to finish your education," I state.

"Yes, there is no perfect time, so the way is wrong – "

"No, it isn't," I say, going away again. This can't be happening. I won't have another girl leaving school.

"You can't force me to go there," she screams after me and turning around I see tears in her eyes. "You don't even listen to me – "

"And if I personally accompany you there every morning. You won't quit. And I swear to God should I catch you playing hooky – " I say upset.

"There is no playing hooky, because I'll quit –

"Stop it, Lorelai!" I yell.

"I'm not Lorelai," she cries, running upstairs. I stay there dumbstruck. How in the world could that happen? How did we become Lorelai and Emily?


End file.
